What are the hardest years?

[isntlifeacrazyride]

As a parent of a 14 mo, I wonder what would you say are the hardest year(s) of raising a kiddo?

0-4 months on a purely physical level - lack of sleep destroys me. And then young adulthood. 18+ is proving very difficult over here as you can't "parent" young adults in the same way and once they leave home you are pretty much relying on them to make the right choices and stay in communication. It's a worrying time, and drastically harder than anything I've dealt with as a parent before

For us, DS was an absolute breeze until he went to Uni. We had virtually no problems/stress with him other than the very occasional issue which was quickly sorted. Uni has been a nightmare mostly due to covid and the crap way his Uni dealt with it. He absolutely hated it being entirely online in his first year with nearly all Uni buildings shut and virtually no staff on campus. Made worse by not getting on too well with his flat mates who he was virtually imprisoned with. We'd always thought him "leaving" home and transitioning into adulthood would be hard for him but nothing could have prepared us for the depression and anguish he suffered by leaving home in the middle of a pandemic with the lockdowns and Uni restrictions that were far more severe than required. Even now, he's a shadow of his former self - he's always been a happy/smiling child but is now miserable and withdrawn. It's heartbreaking to see. Even worse that some elements are still online only and lots of unis clubs/societies have disbanded over Covid as there was no handover of running them from from older students as would normally have happened.

Depends. I found 0-5 horrific. I have a very moody teenager now but luckily apart from her self-image we're not experiencing any other issues. Compared with her preschool years, she's a delight.

It depends.
DS was hard work for the first six month and he's still no trouble at 15yrs.
DD has been hard work since she was two. She's refusing school now as a teenager and referral number four has been sent to CAMHS to see if they want to help her.

@MsTSwift

Sorry Silly it’s not the same being a teacher of teens you don’t actually have skin in the game.

You're right I think. But I also doubt it diminishes the benefit. For example an early years specialist would be a million times better with my toddler than I am. Every other parent seems to be, having had either younger siblings, nephews, nieces or friends with babies. My two are literally the first two I've ever encountered. I've read 20+ developmental books and gradually im getting there, I think (by there - I mean some actual understanding of a toddlers brain and how to nurture / love).

I think context is everything. I would be exceptionally surprised if I find teens this hard. I have struggled to death and back so far, and I'm just starting to find my way. None of my friends have felt this way - their children seem much calmer, more doting, affectionate. One of the books i read stated that toddlers are the most diverse of the ages - absolute angel to Hitchcock style psycho. I imagine some people DO find teens easier, as evidenced by the odd agreement of those with teens in this thread. Stay strong those with toddlers!

I have 2 sons now in their 30s.
0 - 4 is just full-on and very exhausting.
Best years were 14 - 21. They were without doubt the best times. Luckily they had a lovely group of friends, who all dropped in and treated me like a second Mum (not for everyone, but I loved it!) and many of them are still in touch now. Talking to my friends it seems to be that generally boys are hard work when little, but quite nice when teenagers; and the reverse is true for girls.

@Badbadbunny

For us, DS was an absolute breeze until he went to Uni. We had virtually no problems/stress with him other than the very occasional issue which was quickly sorted. Uni has been a nightmare mostly due to covid and the crap way his Uni dealt with it. He absolutely hated it being entirely online in his first year with nearly all Uni buildings shut and virtually no staff on campus. Made worse by not getting on too well with his flat mates who he was virtually imprisoned with. We'd always thought him "leaving" home and transitioning into adulthood would be hard for him but nothing could have prepared us for the depression and anguish he suffered by leaving home in the middle of a pandemic with the lockdowns and Uni restrictions that were far more severe than required. Even now, he's a shadow of his former self - he's always been a happy/smiling child but is now miserable and withdrawn. It's heartbreaking to see. Even worse that some elements are still online only and lots of unis clubs/societies have disbanded over Covid as there was no handover of running them from from older students as would normally have happened.

I'm really sorry to hear this. I see it in post-16, where I teach. Broadly, mental health service waiting listed equate to not actually having access. I wish your teen well. Have faith in the love you give him. That's all they'll need in the long run - knowing that you're there.

I do think it depends on the child. My SD has been incredibly hard work from 4-8 (with no end in sight). I suspect she might be a very challenging teenager indeed, based on her personality. My children were so incredibly easy when they were at primary school. SS has become more difficult since he started school.

DS2 is heading towards teenage waters though so who knows what horrors await. He was a baby who didn’t sleep which made the early years tough. DS3 hasn’t been an easy baby - proper limpet style. And he’s by far the most stubborn and difficult toddler of my three. I suspect he might be the trickiest of my children generally. My friends tell me that’s third children.

Early teens with girls. I loved every minute of the baby / toddler stages. I got lucky though, mine were decent sleepers and that makes a difference

The baby and toddler years are exhausting but I’ve found the hardest bit, with the worrying and stress that keeps me awake at night, is the 14+ years.

You have less control, less knowledge and they will tell lies about anything and everything. Friendships become a mystery. Not working hard enough for GCSEs and worrying about what they’re going to do with their lives. No longer being able to make everything alright when they’re unhappy.

Currently got an almost 15 year old DD who will quite patronisingly tell me I haven't got a clue what her life is like and all the things she just can't share with me and then flips her lid when I say she can't go out then if she's not honest with me about what she's up to, because it's my job to safeguard her. She will also say stuff like "I'm going to update my wardrobe over the next month" or "I want to book in to her my ears pierced over the holidays"- do you, DD? Where's all this money coming from then? And if I or her dad tell her we don't have the sort of funds to do that she will then send us lengthy messages on how we should not be using our finances to make her feel limited in her choices or make her feel humiliated by not being able to take part as fully as she wants. She is mature enough to select her own activities and make her own decisions. I countered that if this was the case, she was mature enough to hear about the biggest rise in living costs ever and how we now have to make a household budget cover an extra £350 or so a month without an extra £350 coming in. She was not happy with that and told me I was trying to "out adult her"

I AM the fucking adult!! She's 14

Yeah, this. 13+

@kyiv

Currently got an almost 15 year old DD who will quite patronisingly tell me I haven't got a clue what her life is like and all the things she just can't share with me and then flips her lid when I say she can't go out then if she's not honest with me about what she's up to, because it's my job to safeguard her. She will also say stuff like "I'm going to update my wardrobe over the next month" or "I want to book in to her my ears pierced over the holidays"- do you, DD? Where's all this money coming from then? And if I or her dad tell her we don't have the sort of funds to do that she will then send us lengthy messages on how we should not be using our finances to make her feel limited in her choices or make her feel humiliated by not being able to take part as fully as she wants. She is mature enough to select her own activities and make her own decisions. I countered that if this was the case, she was mature enough to hear about the biggest rise in living costs ever and how we now have to make a household budget cover an extra £350 or so a month without an extra £350 coming in. She was not happy with that and told me I was trying to "out adult her"

I AM the fucking adult!! She's 14

Yeah, this. 13+

I’d have gone with her being mature enough to make her own decisions and select her own activities when she’s paying for them herself.

Sounds exhausting and frustrating.

@MsTSwift

13 turns on a sixpence. All is fine then she comes home in tears because her friendship group have thrown her out, she sat on her own at lunch and walked home on her own crying. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Then suddenly it’s all fine again !

Pleased its not just us, wish it didn't happen to any girl. 10-12 has been the hardest so far. Oldest is 14.

Mid-teens. My eldest nearly broke me.

kyiv - has she got a Saturday job? She could help fund some of her activities herself. Both our sons had jobs from the minute they were old enough, right up until they left Uni.

@sympatico1

kyiv - has she got a Saturday job? She could help fund some of her activities herself. Both our sons had jobs from the minute they were old enough, right up until they left Uni.

Obviously, they then got full-time jobs 😯

I'm sorry, but I think you forget how hard the baby toddler years are by the time you have a teenager. You look back misty eyed about how cute they are.

Well I have both and I can ensure you that physically the toddler is harder. I had forgotten the sleep deprivation going on years, the constant don't touch that, watch out, battles of wills, the epic rages that they bit their own biscuit and broke it. Don't forget potty training, the hitting phase, fussy eating and their no sharing policy. Their is no time off.

The worry is there for the teenager, but you have to start ease off and help guide them 😬 very tricky too, but you have time to yourself, so much easier.

I believe that it depends entirely on the parent and child.and no 2 children of same parents are the same

So, I hated the first 12 months, don’t “do” babies well…but loved toddler years….but for many mums this is reverse. I didn’t find the rest of any of their childhoods as bad as those first 12 months.

I had 2 DS…neither particularly challenging during teenage years till 17-18, youngest had a few melt downs but eldest seemed even then to be ok in the main….but then, eldest went through some not nice behaviour during uni years with us…not anything terrible by a long shot, but was rude, challenging , patronising, know it all…arrogant…just not a very nice person to us….but by 24 started to show signs of what he is now…generous, caring and very interesting.

So, you’ll get as many answers here as there are posters…it depends

The only one thing you can be sure of is that you will continually be challenged as a parent, just when you think you’ve got the knack of it , your dc will move 8n to another phase and you’re back to learning how to parent them at that new age all over again. You’ll get it wrong a lot of the time, you’ll eventually get some things right…but it will always be changing

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Teens, when they're bullied.

You may as well have ripped out my heart and broken it in front of me.

100%, it is heart breaking. We've been/going through it with both our DCs, with the youngest the police have been involved twice

Physically, when they are babies and pre-school.

Mentally, when they are teenagers and young adults. Not sure the mental anguish ever really goes away but I live in hope!

@WhatsitWiggle

Whatever age they are currently at. Once you're through it, you look back and think "oh that wasn't that bad" but it's with the benefit of experience.

I don’t think that’s quite true. There are parts that people find harder than others and that can differ. I do feel that until you’ve had teens though it is difficult to say which is the most difficult

I have a 16 year old. 0-2 was the hardest by a million miles. I can imagine bullying at any age though would make that a heart breaking time for all concerned.

Dreading the teen years. DS has my ex DPs explosiveness and inability to handle emotion so this will be fun on my own 😂

0-1 was a breeze
1-2.5 was hard (mainly anxiety induced)
2.5 - 5 hard hard hard.
5+ on my own but settled a bit.

@Sillymummies123 as a secondary school teacher of 18 years I can tell you that your experience of teenagers will only get you so far. I feel like I can reason with my two fat more effectively than dh. He finds the rudeness and the range of emotions difficult whereas I have more patience and tolerance. However, the emotional rollercoaster for the parent is in no way comparable to teaching teenager. The lack of control, the battles over tidy rooms or how late they can stay out, homework (arghh) and friendship angst is exhausting and I think my two are relatively good.

[quote lightswitchmoment]@Sillymummies123 as a secondary school teacher of 18 years I can tell you that your experience of teenagers will only get you so far. I feel like I can reason with my two fat more effectively than dh. He finds the rudeness and the range of emotions difficult whereas I have more patience and tolerance. However, the emotional rollercoaster for the parent is in no way comparable to teaching teenager. The lack of control, the battles over tidy rooms or how late they can stay out, homework (arghh) and friendship angst is exhausting and I think my two are relatively good. [/quote]
How did you find 1-3?