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Original poster

my 13 year old has been talking to a 27 year old on the internet!

125 replies

ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 11:20

Have been concerned about dd?s use of the internet as she has been spending more than a healthy amount of time on there recently. So yesterday I looked at the computer while she was at school and discovered various msn chat logs and email exchanges with a guy I have never heard her talking about. From reading these logs it seems they have developed some sort of emotional relationship and had been planning to meet up in the next few weeks. When dd came home I confronted her about it, partly because I think she?s very young to be forming relationships with unknown guys, but mostly because I was concerned she was planning to meet up with him without telling us.

So I asked her what she actually knew about this guy and she told me that he was in IT and worked in the city and was 27! at which point dh was ready to call the police. So I reiterated to her again that she was under age and that this man is clearly a predator for hitting on 13 year old girls at which point she said that he didn?t know she was 13 because she had told him she was 19! .

What do I do now? I have confiscated her mobile phone and her computer and she is grounded because I am concerned she will go to her friends houses to talk to this man. I have now read through all the chat logs, and he does actually seem like a decent guy, having suggested they meet in a public place etc and the tone of the conversations hasn?t been filthy or over sexual or anything. His number is in dd?s mobile, should I ring it and tell him that he?s actually been talking to a 13 year old?

I am ashamed that my child has done this. I know that there are a lot of predators on the internet but I don?t have reason to think this man is one of them, I think my dd is the one at fault here.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 08/01/2008 11:28

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FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 11:34

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FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 11:35

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FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 11:35

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Enid · 08/01/2008 11:36

10000% agree with cod

cod you would be a good mother to girls

Dinosaur · 08/01/2008 11:36

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FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 11:37

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dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 08/01/2008 11:37

You are right to take action but I think you are doing so in an overly controlling way. Whilst I think you ought to have set up ground rules that may have helped prevent this situation (did you see the prog about online grooming by paedophiles last night?) occurring - such as talking about what she is doing online and discussing her contacts openly and regularly - the problem remains and it is one that your dd has creaed for herself and so she needs to be guided in sorting it out with your support. She should be telling him her real age and then you should talk about all the issues and dangers that surround this kind of behaviour.

Clamping down hard now will not help and as you say it will force her to go elsewhwere to continue these online relations. You need to acknowledge her interest in this type of relationship (it is exciting afterall and flattering to her probably) and at the same time educate her about the potential consequences.

Fwiw, I used to use telephone chat lines with my friend as a young teenager - we arranged to meet up with some older teenage boys. It was ridiculous as we were 13 trying to look 19 . My mum had no idea and I think that was because I didn' feel comfortable talking to her about my teenage feelings. I was a very 'good' teenager too - no smoking or snogging even, jus lots of wishful thinking! ;)

Dinosaur · 08/01/2008 11:37

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FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 11:37

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FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 11:38

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kittylouise · 08/01/2008 11:42

Bloody hell. As a mother of a 12 year old who uses msn quite a lot this is very concerning.

I would ring this man I think and tell him that he has been speaking to a 13 year old. I imagine that he will be horrified.

Christ, though, what to do with your dd. I think that to go all guns blazing and ban the laptop and mobile etc might be going too far (however, I can imagine myself doing EXACTLY the same thing with my dd). I think you and your dh will have to sit her down (try a relaxing situation like over a meal) and find out why exactly, and what was she hoping to achieve, by pretending to be 6 years older than she is on order to meet older men. Does she feel insecure? Is she worried about herself? What are her friendships like and how is everything at school. Perhaps she is very unhappy with herself and this 19 year old pretend persona has something to do with that. How about having a word with the school, telling them what has hapenned and see if they have any insight.

I really feel for you - you must feel sick.

kittylouise · 08/01/2008 11:44

Agree - try not to make her feel ashamed. But I think it's appropriate to let her know how horrified and worried you are about this.

Original poster
ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 11:44

I don't know what site it was because all the chats I found had taken place on msn. Once she told me she'd lied I just was so horrified that I couldn't think straight enough to ask about where and how it had all started, but obviously I realize that we need to have a chat about that.

I do remember what it was like to be a teen and wanting the older boys to think i was older than I was, but the difference between then and now is that back then it wasn't as easy to act older face to face, but on the internet you can be who you want to be.

She does have some friends at school but has never been an overly confident child and has always been very shy, which is one of the reasons why I wasn't so strict about the internet use, because she seemed to be gaining more confidence by talking to people (even rl friends) online.

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 08/01/2008 11:46

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MrsCarrot · 08/01/2008 11:48

What a horrible situation for you.

I also don't think she should be made to feel bad about herself, 13 is a very delicate age and we all do stupid things.

She does, however, need to be made aware of the need to be safe, and also how much trouble this man would be in due to her 'lie'. She may not have thought that through.

LilRedWG · 08/01/2008 11:48

I agree with Cod on this one. Please do not be ashamed of your daughter. Let her know you are worried and that she can come to you with anything.

kittylouise · 08/01/2008 11:51

It does sound like she has tried to big herself up because of confidence issues then. I actually feel for her. She DOES need to be made aware of the dangers of what she has done, but in a supportive and empathetic way (probably easier said than done).

One thing - does she have a PC or a laptop? My dd had a pc until Christmas when I got her a laptop - main reason for this was I didn't like her holed up in her room on her own for hours at a time whilst on the internet. I DO trust that she will be sensible but still. Now she can sit on the sofa; I can look over her shoulder and she what she is up to (all sorts of crap, to be honest, but at least I know there is nothing sinister going on).

It may be helpful to show your dd this thread to show her how concerned you are (and how seriously other mothers take this kind of thing).

jumpingbeans · 08/01/2008 11:54

I could cry........ why do children want to grow up so quickly, I have a GD that age, breaks my heart to even think she could be chatting to grown men on the comp

chopchopbusybusy · 08/01/2008 11:58

I watched the Panorama programme last night with my DDs who both got laptops for Christmas. I think it is still possible to watch it online, so it might not be a bad idea to watch it with her. She'll almost certainly be put off by the bit where the 40+ year old was pretending to be a teenager.

Original poster
ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 12:03

kittylouise she has a laptop, but had still been spending a lot of time in her room on it (we have wireless). I did used to go up regularly to see what she was doing, but she would always close it, but I just assumed she was writing as she writes a lot of short stories and poetry, and I know not to read that until she is ready for me to.

She is a very bright girl but is very shy, as I also was as a child, and is more the type to have a few genuine friends rather than be part of a large crowd.

so do I ring this man or should I insist she do it?

OP posts:
arfishy · 08/01/2008 12:12

What a tricky situation. I think you should definitely call the man and let him know that h was talking to a 13 year old - that way he won't ever get in touch with your DD again and he will also have learnt a lesson himself.

Agree that you shouldn't be ashamed of your daughter, I think that she probably has no idea of the implications of what she's done.

With regard to your DD and the PC in the future, the best I can suggest is that you don't let her have a PC/laptop in her room and that you make an effort to teach her about how people can not be who they seem on the internet.

I think it's most important to teach her about people not necessarily being as they appear on the internet than it is to restrict her access, as teens will always find a way to get around parental restrictions.

revgreen · 08/01/2008 12:25

I think that there is a good chance that this man knew she wasn't 19. It would be quite hard for her to maintain the deception over a long period without having the life experiance. After all, 19 yo have jobs and cars and bills to pay and some 'innocent' questions from him would soon trip her up. Peadophiles know that girls pretend to be older than they are and they look for them. He may have suggested meeting in a public place to put her at ease so she will come alone. If he has suggested meeting at a dodgey besit she would have been put on her guard.

I think that you should call the police so that they can check him out. They know how to tell grooming from being duped by a girl pretending to be an adult. He might be messaging a dozen pre teen girls whoose parents haven't found out about him yet. If he is innocent then at least he will learn to be more careful.

You don't know that he is 27, he might be 50. 27 and 19 is still not great.

popmum · 08/01/2008 12:30

you may want to take a look at this website ceop

chopchopbusybusy · 08/01/2008 12:47

Good advice I think from revgreen.

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