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Original poster

my 13 year old has been talking to a 27 year old on the internet!

125 replies

ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 11:20

Have been concerned about dd?s use of the internet as she has been spending more than a healthy amount of time on there recently. So yesterday I looked at the computer while she was at school and discovered various msn chat logs and email exchanges with a guy I have never heard her talking about. From reading these logs it seems they have developed some sort of emotional relationship and had been planning to meet up in the next few weeks. When dd came home I confronted her about it, partly because I think she?s very young to be forming relationships with unknown guys, but mostly because I was concerned she was planning to meet up with him without telling us.

So I asked her what she actually knew about this guy and she told me that he was in IT and worked in the city and was 27! at which point dh was ready to call the police. So I reiterated to her again that she was under age and that this man is clearly a predator for hitting on 13 year old girls at which point she said that he didn?t know she was 13 because she had told him she was 19! .

What do I do now? I have confiscated her mobile phone and her computer and she is grounded because I am concerned she will go to her friends houses to talk to this man. I have now read through all the chat logs, and he does actually seem like a decent guy, having suggested they meet in a public place etc and the tone of the conversations hasn?t been filthy or over sexual or anything. His number is in dd?s mobile, should I ring it and tell him that he?s actually been talking to a 13 year old?

I am ashamed that my child has done this. I know that there are a lot of predators on the internet but I don?t have reason to think this man is one of them, I think my dd is the one at fault here.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 12:51

revgreen it seems he has been completely honest with her though. She has his work email address and also his works number in her phone. He works for one of the big banks in the city so it would be very stupid of him if he was grooming young girls from work.

OP posts:
TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 12:58

rev - I personally know of 4 19yr old girls with no car, no bills to pay and no job....so I can't see that a 13yr would have to make that much up.

revgreen · 08/01/2008 13:01

When I was 19 I didn't have those thing either but I did have a different lifestyle than I had at 13, and that would have been obvious in the way I talked and what I talked about

ELF1981 · 08/01/2008 13:03

I agree with revgreen, your dd could be lying to protect this man by saying she told him she was 19

call your local police, explain the whole thing inc that your dd said she told him she was 19 and let them get in touch with the man. If your dd is telling the truth and she did say she was 19, the man will get a shock and be cautious next time. If your dd is protecting him, the police can deal with it.

dont feel ashamed of your dd, unfortunately it is a very common thing now to chat on the net when you have no idea who they are. I know i was when I was 14, including meeting up with people older than me.

FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 13:03

Message withdrawn

TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 13:05

well when I was 19 I was engaged and living 1000's of miles away from my family - so things were obviously different for me.

but these 4 girls are all still living at home, having a gap year (as none of them can decide what they want to do! - despite being straight A students with very quick brains !), they don't really go out much (only to each other's houses as they've done since primary school - the conversation has just changed), and really are very "child" like still.

lou33 · 08/01/2008 13:08

when dd1 was that age she got some boy texting her, i cant recall how they ended up exchanging numbers

anyway the point is his conversation started getting more than she was comfortable with, so i took her phone and texted him and told him i was her mother and if he kept harrassing her i would call the police and report him

never heard another word

FrannyandZooey · 08/01/2008 13:09

all I can say is if the man has not talked smut to her (thinking she was 19) then he is a VERY nice guy indeed

I think I would probably phone and tell him she is 13, but not be in the least bit cross with him and make sure he knows that - he hasn't done anything wrong other than be taken in by your dd's lie

oh dear I am not sure how to deal with your dd

is the pc in a public part of the house? Probably a good idea to make it so, if not

can you supervise what sites she is on? She shouldn't really be on adult chat sites IMO - they are mostly about people trying to pick up, and most men not half so decent as this guy

ELF1981 · 08/01/2008 13:13

when my parents found out I'd been chatting and meeting people from the net (older than me) I was grounded, had my mobile consficated, had the computer taken out of my room, put somewhere public, monitored when on it, and when allowed out they would take me and collect me and ensure I was where I said I was.

Original poster
ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 13:23

As I said I don?t know what site they met on as the internet history hasn?t been saved but the msn chat logs have. I?m assuming that they met somehow on a site and then went to msn from there, but I will definitely ask her when she gets home.

Dh thinks we should ring the police and get them to come round to talk to her about the seriousness of what she has become involved in, and to explain that this man could be in serious trouble because of her.

OP posts:
kiskidee · 08/01/2008 13:29

i would email him first rather than ring so that there is a log of what you have said to him and what he responds to you.

nice to have a written record of what is said for future reference, etc.

Tinker · 08/01/2008 13:40

Taking revgreen's point - what has she said in the chatlogs? Has she given away anything to show (to a 27 year old) that she's not 19? How convincing does she sound? It all may be innocent but I do thing a 27 year old sniffing around a 19 year old is a bit odd as well

MascaraOHara · 08/01/2008 13:44

Do you not think it might be a bit of an over reaction to call the police. he might genuinely think that she is 19.. and if he's doing this from work you could jeopardise, a probably innocent, mans career.

I would call him and see his reaction to the fact that she is 13.. my guess would be that he will be horrified and put her in her place good and proper if she tried to contact him again.

I used to do stuff like this often, luckily nothing terrible ever happened to me. You just don't think of it as a big deal when you're that age.

TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 14:14

sorry Tinker - what is odd about a 27yr old "sniffing" around a 19yr old? They're both adults!

Tinker · 08/01/2008 14:16

I was a considerably different person at 27 than I was at 19; I wouldn't have had much in common with a 19 year old when I was 27.

Hecate · 08/01/2008 14:17

Tinker, that's only 8 years. There's 10 between me and dh!!!

Dinosaur · 08/01/2008 14:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Tinker · 08/01/2008 14:19

There's 7 between me and my partner, and I'm the older one. But I wouldn't have fancied him when I was 26 and he was 19 - age gaps seem bigger when you're younger (for me, for me, for me - repeat ad nauseum)

MascaraOHara · 08/01/2008 14:19

I don't think there's anything wrong with 27 & 19 to be honest.

I've always dated people roughly between 8-12 years older than me.

Hecate · 08/01/2008 14:19

But you are forgetting the difference in emotional age! A woman of 20 is usually more on a par with a man of 30 than with a man of 20!!

Tinker · 08/01/2008 14:21

Maybe. Anyway, the point of this thread is that she's not 19 and I would wonder if she could convincingly pass herself off as 19, whilst being 13, to a 27 year old

colditz · 08/01/2008 14:24

27 and 19 is a perfectly normal age gap. he wasn't 'sniffing', he was trying to get know know a young woman - unfortunately he has stumbled across a child pretending to be a young woman.

Do call him, and let him know what is going on.

Hecate · 08/01/2008 14:25

Who knows? Kids these days seem to sound and act a lot older than they used to. When I was 13 I was a child. Nowadays, 13 yr olds are pubbing, clubbing and bonking freely.

--- Not suggesting YOURS is, AOMC! Just observing that kids don't seem to be kids any more, they are more.....worldly!

kittylouise · 08/01/2008 14:26

Don't think the age difference between a 19 year old and a 27 year old is anything sinister, to be honest.

I think the OP has got a very difficult situation and I wouldn't like to be in her shoes for anything. However, I think I would
-have a chat with dd about everything, the seriousness of what she has done. Not to make her feel ashamed or embarrassed, make her feel that she is supported and can talk to her mum and dad about things if she wants.

  • not bar her from the pc but have it in a public place in the house, not just on her own in the bedroom. Have a curfew on it as well (not after 9pm for instance). Set the pc so the internet history/cookies are saved and not deleted. Tell her you will NOT check the sites she is on but you have the wherewithal to check them if you need to. She will probably kick up a fuss at 'lack of privacy', however she has actually abused your trust - I imagine she must have gone onto some adult sites (and she would know that this would not be approved of) as where would she have got this man's msn address if not?
  • try and encourage her to have some rl friends and activities so she doesn't feel her life is such that she has to invent another persona in order to be accepted/liked
  • ring this bloke up and tell him the story. You may be able to gauge if he is genuine or not by the type of conversation you have

Good luck though (hope and pray I never have this with my dd)

colditz · 08/01/2008 14:26

It depends, doesn't it? we have many apparent mothers of small children on here who are either pig ignorant or 13 year old trolls. Some adults really are NOT that bright, some adults maintain a 13 year old's level of education, and he may put any immaturity down to the age gap.

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