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Original poster

my 13 year old has been talking to a 27 year old on the internet!

125 replies

ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 11:20

Have been concerned about dd?s use of the internet as she has been spending more than a healthy amount of time on there recently. So yesterday I looked at the computer while she was at school and discovered various msn chat logs and email exchanges with a guy I have never heard her talking about. From reading these logs it seems they have developed some sort of emotional relationship and had been planning to meet up in the next few weeks. When dd came home I confronted her about it, partly because I think she?s very young to be forming relationships with unknown guys, but mostly because I was concerned she was planning to meet up with him without telling us.

So I asked her what she actually knew about this guy and she told me that he was in IT and worked in the city and was 27! at which point dh was ready to call the police. So I reiterated to her again that she was under age and that this man is clearly a predator for hitting on 13 year old girls at which point she said that he didn?t know she was 13 because she had told him she was 19! .

What do I do now? I have confiscated her mobile phone and her computer and she is grounded because I am concerned she will go to her friends houses to talk to this man. I have now read through all the chat logs, and he does actually seem like a decent guy, having suggested they meet in a public place etc and the tone of the conversations hasn?t been filthy or over sexual or anything. His number is in dd?s mobile, should I ring it and tell him that he?s actually been talking to a 13 year old?

I am ashamed that my child has done this. I know that there are a lot of predators on the internet but I don?t have reason to think this man is one of them, I think my dd is the one at fault here.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Pan · 08/01/2008 19:26

I do see her safety as the 'bigger picture' and no, U16s don't have the same level of privacy, as they are less sophisticated and do need protecting. That isn't the basis of my comment at all. I just don't see how being worried about the "unhealthy" level of time on the internet being managed in a dishonest way (thus giving dd the impression that is how to handle such delicate issues) justifies the tag of "great mum" in this instance, isn't right.

FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 19:27

Message withdrawn

Pan · 08/01/2008 19:28

touche my fishy one.

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 08/01/2008 19:29

i think great mum might be because she has felt things werent right and dealt with the sutation without upsetting her dd unnecessarily

quite a feat really

TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 19:31

how was it managed in a dishonest way? When my DS's are older I'll make damn sure they know that I have a right to have a look and see what they've been up to online!

Fireflyfairy2 · 08/01/2008 19:31

Pan is suggesting that the OP isn't such a great mum as she didn't supervise her kid on the pc each night. And then she found out about the 17yr old guy by snooping..which a "great mum" wouldn't do..

that it pan?

Fireflyfairy2 · 08/01/2008 19:31

27yr old guy

Pan · 08/01/2008 19:32

"dealt with the sutation without upsetting her dd unnecessarily..."

said from a mum's point of view.

we don't know how and t owhat extent dd is is being "upset"..and what the longer term consequences of the (unecessary, possibly) breach of privacy will have.

Pan · 08/01/2008 19:36

it's pretty plain. Ameliorating your concerns by dishonest methods is not 'healthy' and there is no mention of any other enquiry the OP made of her dd's time on the internet.

no, one can't supervise children ALL of the time - that isn't the point.

FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 19:41

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 08/01/2008 19:53

i dont think the op should have her parenting skills questioned, you cant check kids all the time

i think she has dealt with it really well

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 08/01/2008 20:02

well privacy has to be tempered with risk and in this case ends make the mum out to be a good un

a lot worse to give privacy as an overriding consideration and it ends a lot worse

Monkeytrousers · 08/01/2008 20:07

Oh bloody hell, she isn't a bad mother either!

We can all be good and bad mothers - that's how you learn and I;m sure Ashamed has learnt something.

I think the shame thing goes for the mother too. How can it help?

Monkeytrousers · 08/01/2008 20:08

Mind you, I don't know how a 27 year old man could think that a 13 year old was 19 anyway. How thick was he? What could they possibly talk about!

Fireflyfairy2 · 08/01/2008 20:09

Have you called the man yet ashamed?

Have you decided if you want to tell the other girls mum that she slept with the man (assuming this was her first time & her mum wouldn't fly off the handle & yell at you)

Alambil · 08/01/2008 20:15

I have been here and come out the other side as the child (and it really wasn't that long ago - I am 25 now)

I got in to a very potentially dangerous situation when I was 15/16 (so, yes, I was older but it is still relevant).

My parents were extremely concerned about me so they looked at the PC. They found out I was planning on meeting all sorts of blokes (mainly) and went absolutely mental at me. I was grounded, the PC banned (and my GOD that was hard - I was addicted to it - literally) and I had to regain their trust. I have never seen such fear in my father's eyes and his anger was simply fear - he wasn't angry at me per se; I was just being a typically irresponsible kid...

This reaction was truly the VERY BEST they could have shown me. It demonstrated their fear. It showed me JUST how serious the situation was and really brought home how silly I'd been (lying about my age etc).

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is - you haven't over-reacted. You haven't been a bad mother. You haven't irrepairably damaged her trust/confidence in you - you have done the absolute opposite, she may not realise it right now though so do be prepared for a huge kick-off. I think, for what it is worth, you have done the best by your DD and have really brought home how careful she has to be.

ScaryHairy · 08/01/2008 20:19

I think you handled things well with your daughter. Mine will not have any privacy until she is an adult and I will check on her by any means possible, snooping or otherwise because I am her mother and - bottom line - it is my job to keep her safe.

Have you spoken to the other girl's parents yet? I think you must. i find it hard to believe that an adult man could not tell the difference between a 13 year old's body and that of a 19 year old.

I agree also that you should call the man your daughter was speaking to. He needs to know about the bullet he has just dodged. It might make him a bit more careful in future.

edam · 08/01/2008 20:27

Agree you've done the right thing, OP. Dd now knows how seriously you take this, and why. She won't be making the same mistake again.

wrt her friend - it's possible the girl was exaggerating and didn't actually sleep with him at all (bloody hope so). Definitely worth telling her parents what you've heard but making it clear this is what dd said and believes, rather than an established fact.

popsycal · 08/01/2008 20:32

Only read your OP but there are afew webstie which might help you and her....
let me search and get back to you

popsycal · 08/01/2008 20:34

\link{http://www.esafetynorthtyneside.org.uk\lots of links on here for esafety advice for parents, teachers and children

popsycal · 08/01/2008 20:35

\link}{http://www.esafetynorthtyneside.org.uk\here}

popsycal · 08/01/2008 20:35

thrid time lucky

popsycal · 08/01/2008 20:39

just to add - We have had LOTS of meetings at school about internet safety (am a teacher) and some of the stuff the guy told us about real situations that children in our area had got themselves into via the internet was truely shocking. I spent most of the presentation with my mouth open in shock

porotect your babies

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 08/01/2008 20:40

i have a lot of sympathy for the 27 year old man actually...i imagine he is going to be mortified

paulayatesbiggestfan · 08/01/2008 20:42

op i really feel for you - please dont be ashamed
my 13 year old dd is the only girl in her class without an msn address
recently we went on bebo together and looked at her classmates
i was horrified and even she was shocked - they all looked about 18

another friend tried to stop her dd going on msn recently and has had no success
i think its easy for parents of younger children to say 'dont let her on it' its youth culture and i personally come in for a lot of flack for not letting her on it....