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Parenting

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Original poster

my 13 year old has been talking to a 27 year old on the internet!

125 replies

ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 11:20

Have been concerned about dd?s use of the internet as she has been spending more than a healthy amount of time on there recently. So yesterday I looked at the computer while she was at school and discovered various msn chat logs and email exchanges with a guy I have never heard her talking about. From reading these logs it seems they have developed some sort of emotional relationship and had been planning to meet up in the next few weeks. When dd came home I confronted her about it, partly because I think she?s very young to be forming relationships with unknown guys, but mostly because I was concerned she was planning to meet up with him without telling us.

So I asked her what she actually knew about this guy and she told me that he was in IT and worked in the city and was 27! at which point dh was ready to call the police. So I reiterated to her again that she was under age and that this man is clearly a predator for hitting on 13 year old girls at which point she said that he didn?t know she was 13 because she had told him she was 19! .

What do I do now? I have confiscated her mobile phone and her computer and she is grounded because I am concerned she will go to her friends houses to talk to this man. I have now read through all the chat logs, and he does actually seem like a decent guy, having suggested they meet in a public place etc and the tone of the conversations hasn?t been filthy or over sexual or anything. His number is in dd?s mobile, should I ring it and tell him that he?s actually been talking to a 13 year old?

I am ashamed that my child has done this. I know that there are a lot of predators on the internet but I don?t have reason to think this man is one of them, I think my dd is the one at fault here.

What would you do?

OP posts:

colditz · 08/01/2008 14:27

i know a few 13 year olds who would pass for 19 physically and mentally - particularly those of a quieter, bookish nature.

BroccoliSpears · 08/01/2008 14:41

When DP and I met I was 19 and he was 27. Nothing remotely seedy about that age difference.

I would call the chap and explain why your daughter won't be in touch again.

Try and be understanding and supportive of your daughter, rather than ashamed and comdemnatory. She's already taking fledgling steps into adult sexuality and getting it a bit wrong. The worst thing you could possibly do would be to let her be all alone, making the wrong choices with no sensible support and backup from home.

My mum was terribly embarrassed and ashamed of my first stumbling steps into the world of boys and consequently I learned to hide everything from her. She thought she'd neatly nipped it in the bud. Don't underestimate what a teenage daughter can get away with under your nose without you suspecting a thing. My mum had no idea what I was up to and I made some terrible, terrible choices.

lou33 · 08/01/2008 14:55

19 and 27 is ok, but this isnt the point of the op

i was dating a guy of 27 when i was 18

now i am 41 and still date men that age , lol

i think she needs to understand the repercussions of what her lying could have done, and he needs to know what a close shave he had

has he seen pics of her?? does she look older than her age?

Oenophile · 08/01/2008 14:56

If the man was told she was 19 then I don't think it's fair to go to the police with it at this point. He is bound to be treated with suspicion and with no justification (not on what's been said here anyway.) Most women on these chat sites probably lie their ages DOWN rather than up, so it may never have occurred to him she was underage and he'd want shot immediately once he knew the truth, which he must be told as soon as possible, awkward though it is for you.

(Nothing 'seedy' in itself about a 27 year old bloke with a truly-19 year old! My husband was 32 when I met him and I was 17, we've been happily married 30 years now with nary a blip, quite a boringly normal couple we are, time narrows age gaps soon enough.)

Poor old DD, though. The 'net offers possibilities we never had in quite the same way, to flirt with being grown-up, the thrill of being attractive and flaunting one's charms and the power of being a 'woman' in a way which feels safe - even though we all know it may not turn out that way. I hope you can resolve this happily and it turns out to be a harmless mistake which she will learn from and move on towards sensible maturing behaviour. Good luck!

branflake81 · 08/01/2008 16:04

I'm 26 now but remember when I was 14 in the fledgling days of the net my younger sister and I spent some time talking to a guy online pretending we were a 19 year old student. For us it was great fun, creating an imaginary persona and having this older man believe it. It can be harmless - and I don't think you should involve the police. I would however call the guy, it might be a wake up call for him to be more careful in future.

wannaBe · 08/01/2008 16:05

She needs to know the seriousness of what she has done. If you hadn?t found out, and they had met, and had sex, he would have broken the law, without his knowledge. And if he had then been reported would have ended up on the sex offenders register probably for the rest of his life.

I would sit her down and explain that very calmly, and also explain that she has been lucky, that not all men you meet online are as nice, and that she could have easily fallen victim to a less than desireable character.

I would then ring him, while she is there, and explain to him what has been going on, and I would then make her apologise to him, after all she might nearly have been responsible for ruining his life, and she needs to realize that. And then I would be much stricter on the computer and where it is kept etc.

lou33 · 08/01/2008 18:36

has he seen pics and does she look older than 13?

my 12 yr old niece easily looks 16 or 17 (tho doesnt act it), but i would be more suspicious of it all if she actually looked her age

Original poster

ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 18:44

Ok update.

I picked up dd from school and when we got home I sat her down and explained to her that firstly we were extremely worried for her, because not everyone online is genuine, even if they appear to be. She protested and said that this guy is very nice and I said that I had read the chat logs and that I did believe he was a genuine sort, but that by lying to him she had actually put him in a potentially very difficult situation, because the authorities take a very dim view of older men chatting up underage girls on the net. She said that he had believed that she was 19 but I explained that it didn?t matter, she is underage and therefore wouldn?t be able to consent to anything, and that if something had happened he would be in trouble regardless of whether he?d been aware of her age. She didn?t know that.

I asked how she?d met him and she said that her and three friends had signed up to a dating website for some fun. It was a site where you get so many days free apparently, they had all signed up claiming to be 19, just to see whether any guys would be interested, and once guys contacted them they gave them their email and msn addresses. Once the free trial of the site ran out they didn?t go back there, but by then they?d already all established contact with at least one guy. She said that one of her friends had met up with a 22 year old and that they had slept together and that he was still unaware she was only 13! . Dd said she had never intended to get involved, but when this guy had started talking to her she?d felt that they just got on so well that she didn?t want to stop talking to him.

I have told dd that I am going to ring the guy and tell him. I also think that maybe I should tell these other girls parents about what their daughters have been doing.

I am going to ring him tonight. I have told dd that the laptop will be in full view from now on, and that she can have her mobile phone back after I have spoken to the guy in question.

Dd is very upset, but I have reiterated to her time and time again that we love her, and that the only reason why we were so cross is because we were looking out for her.

OP posts:

revgreen · 08/01/2008 18:50

You def have to tell the other parents

TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 18:54

Agree tell the other parents.

lou33 · 08/01/2008 18:56

you have done the right thing

am about her friend

now you are in a really difficult situation wrt knowing that info, have you thought about what to say/do?

colditz · 08/01/2008 19:01

Well done. Don't be ashamed of her, she was just having fun. I would tell the other girls' parents too.

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 08/01/2008 19:01

o dear poor you

you sound lkike you are doing the right kind of things in a difficult situation

i think you probably do have to speak to the other parents

not going to be a happy task i think as people often try to cast around for blame in this kind of situation

hope it is all resolved with least pain all round

TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 19:03

at least there's one thing - if she met this bloke on a dating website it (in my mind at least) clarifies that he really was a genuine bloke - I can't see many paedophiles joining dating websites in the hope of grooming underage girls.

Fireflyfairy2 · 08/01/2008 19:09

Oh god! about her friend!!!

Am now concerned as my 15yr old niece joins lots of sites & talks to boys.

I have her on my msn so will message her & warn her I think... thats if you don't mind using your dd as an example?

Pan · 08/01/2008 19:13

am a bit [shocked] at how this has been turned on to dd's toes at all.

Going behind anyone's back is a relationship-killer in any context. The OP hasn't said how she had asked dd about her time on the pc at all, though she was being "concerned" about it, but instead chose to invade her delicate privacy as an opening gambit. Is this really the way it was?? It can't be easy at all re children and computers - dd at 8 is very curious about the interent now.

The other parents DO need telling, undoubtedly, and this bloke will probably be crapping himself at the prospect of a knock at the door.....

FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 19:13

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 19:16

Message withdrawn

RustyBear · 08/01/2008 19:17

I asked DD (17) if she saw a girl saying she was 19 on the internet, how old would she think she was? DD said "13, max"

She also said she would be happy to talk to your DD about internet danger, from the point of view of a teenager rather than a mum.

Pan · 08/01/2008 19:20

Well, the OP may be a 'great mum' - don't know - but this eg isn't the best evidence of it, that's all. dd wasn't 'asked' at all about her time on he pc, but how she does spend her "unhealthy" amount of time was discovered by a significant breach of trust and embarassment to her.

Tinker · 08/01/2008 19:20

Oh, well done you. And how horrible for the friend's parents now . And the friend, of course.

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 08/01/2008 19:21

but er rustybear there are loads of 19 myear old girls on the internet i don't see how this guy could be espected to think she was not genuine

FluffyMummy123 · 08/01/2008 19:22

Message withdrawn

TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 19:23

agree Zippi - especially as they made contact through a dating website - which are generally frequented by adults.

RustyBear · 08/01/2008 19:26

I'm not saying he did zippi - I'm just telling you what DD said. But it does show that even well intentioned men should act with caution.

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