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Parenting

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Original poster

my 13 year old has been talking to a 27 year old on the internet!

125 replies

ashamedofmychild · 08/01/2008 11:20

Have been concerned about dd?s use of the internet as she has been spending more than a healthy amount of time on there recently. So yesterday I looked at the computer while she was at school and discovered various msn chat logs and email exchanges with a guy I have never heard her talking about. From reading these logs it seems they have developed some sort of emotional relationship and had been planning to meet up in the next few weeks. When dd came home I confronted her about it, partly because I think she?s very young to be forming relationships with unknown guys, but mostly because I was concerned she was planning to meet up with him without telling us.

So I asked her what she actually knew about this guy and she told me that he was in IT and worked in the city and was 27! at which point dh was ready to call the police. So I reiterated to her again that she was under age and that this man is clearly a predator for hitting on 13 year old girls at which point she said that he didn?t know she was 13 because she had told him she was 19! .

What do I do now? I have confiscated her mobile phone and her computer and she is grounded because I am concerned she will go to her friends houses to talk to this man. I have now read through all the chat logs, and he does actually seem like a decent guy, having suggested they meet in a public place etc and the tone of the conversations hasn?t been filthy or over sexual or anything. His number is in dd?s mobile, should I ring it and tell him that he?s actually been talking to a 13 year old?

I am ashamed that my child has done this. I know that there are a lot of predators on the internet but I don?t have reason to think this man is one of them, I think my dd is the one at fault here.

What would you do?

OP posts:

paulayatesbiggestfan · 08/01/2008 20:50

one final thought ......I have a very grown up ,articulate 'gifted 'in English daughter of 13

her musings on or off the pc would imo be very different to those of a bona fide 19 year old

is this bloke naive or are we being?

has this point be considered?

TheIceQueen · 08/01/2008 20:53

paula - yes it's been considered - colditz made a good point about it in her 14:26 post

Monkeytrousers · 08/01/2008 20:55

I agree PY. It seems a bit weird. If he was 20 maybe, but 27?

ELF1981 · 08/01/2008 21:00

Although I was 15 when I got into trouble meeting people on the net, I certainly wasnt talking about school and what me and my mates got up to - it was grown up conversation.
Like the OP's DD I spent a lot of time writing when I was younger, short stories and poems and novels and the like. I think it helps you maintain a more adult conversation (not sexual) but in terms of being able to stretch the imagination and not just be bound by things you have experienced, but more able to pull off saying something that you haven't done to seem more grown up. iyswim.

Besides you can be fooled by age on the internet - can you really age the posters on this site? I cannot tell the difference between a teenage mother on here and a grandmother on here.

OP - well done for the way you dealt with this

colditz · 08/01/2008 22:23

Ok, anyone who does not know my age, take a guess, based purely on my postings of today.

It's not about how gifted some 13 year olds are, it's about how thick some 19 year olds are!

Pan · 08/01/2008 22:44

edam · 08/01/2008 23:01

cheeky, Pan!

Pan · 08/01/2008 23:02

paulayatesbiggestfan · 08/01/2008 23:10

a 13 year old is a child

the gap metaphorically between 13 and 20 is far far greater than that between 20 and 27

same 7 years world of difference

colditz i would guess you are over 18 - that's all that matters

kittylouise · 08/01/2008 23:27

OP - hope everything is well. Reading through the comments above I think you have handled it very well. Your dd does need to realise that she has put herself in a harmful situation. I think she was very mature in confiding to you that one of her friends had met up and slept with a chap after chatting on the internet; she must have known you would have been upset to kow this.

She has to learn that she needs to regain your trsut, and to have the pc in a pun=bic place ntil yoi feel you can trust her again can only be a good thing.

Original poster

ashamedofmychild · 09/01/2008 11:58

Hello just an update.

Last night I rang the 27 year old to tell him the truth. When I said ?I am dd?s mother? he said ?is she ok? I haven?t heard from her since last night and was a bit worried.? To which I replied that no she wasn?t ok, and then went on to tell him that the 19 year old he had been talking to online was in fact only 13. he was absolutely horrified. He swore blind to me that he?d had no idea, and that if he had known he would never have carried on talking to her. He was very apologetic, he sounded quite shaken actually and I felt sorry for him. He swore he would never get in touch with dd again, and asked that all his contact details be removed from her phone and computer etc.

After that we went round to see the parents of the girl who had apparently slept with the 22 year old. Her dad hit the roof, threatened to go round there and rip his head off and to get the police involved. But the girl burst into tears and said that nothing had actually happened. She said that it had been easy to maintain the age over the internet, but that once she?d actually met up with the guy she?d become scared and had told him the truth and he?d got very angry and told her she was just a kid and to stay the hell away from him. She said she?d made up the story that she?d slept with him because she didn?t want to lose face in front of her friends .

Re a 13 year old not being the same as a 19 year old, ordinarily I would have totally agreed, but to read the things my dd writes you would never guess that she was only 13. She is extremely elequant, she writes a lot of short stories and poetry, and some of her work has even been published in local paper. She also looks a lot older for her age, she is very tall and well developed and in the right kind of clothing she would easily pass for 19. In fact she and my dh have fallen out on occasions as he does not always approve of the kind of clothes she wears and has referred to her as jail bate .

Pan I did ask about her excessive use of the computer but she just told me she was chatting to friends. Of course I wanted to believe her but given she was spending hours on there late into the night I wanted to be certain. What else was I supposed to do? I don?t think somehow she would have said ?it?s ok mum, I?m chatting to a 27 year old man who thinks I?m 19.? I?ve found out the hard way that children don?t have the same entitlements to privacy as adults.

OP posts:

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 12:05

well luckily it seems to have come to the best possible conclusion

I did wonder if the other girl had actually slept with the guy because i thought most likely he would have realised once she was going to sleep with him that she was younger

it must have been a horrible experience going to see the other parents...well done for getting through it

and you did a good job

sure your relationship with dd will be strengthened as you have tlaked through this now...sometimes good can come of it as it enables you to be more open and for you to see her as growing up too

but obvioiusly not grown up

seeker · 09/01/2008 12:13

Am I really really naive here? I have a 12 year old. She has MSN and she chats to friends on the internet in the living room where I can occasionally walk past and see what she's doing. But she's never allowed to be on the computer for more than an hour and she can't use the computer late into the night because she's in bed with the light off by 9 - 9.30 at the absolute latest. And she is not allowed to sign up to any sites without asking permission..... And I don't expect this to change radically in the next couple of years.......is this hugely unreasonable?

VictorianSqualor · 09/01/2008 12:16

When I was about 14 a friend of mine used to make up stories about sleeping with older guys, she even wrote in her diary so we would find her diary and read it This poor guy had the polcie round his hosue and everything when in fact he'd pushed her away and told her she was too young etc.

Thank goodness your daughters friend admitted the truth.

I understad you're going to be incredibly worried, but try to take comfort in the fact that it wasnt a predator and she is safe, mayeb it will eb a good lesson for her.

VictorianSqualor · 09/01/2008 12:19

seeker, she may just be talking to people she already knows, it is really common now especially as its free and you can have group conversations etc, so it's likely most people in her class have an email address.

Having the comp in a public place is normally enough to put kids off going on a site their parents mifght see, if you're worried get some form of log that tells you which sites she goes on, but tell her you're going to do it because you've been hearing things about predators, it'll save any 'you spied on me' confrontations in the future.

Buda · 09/01/2008 12:25

I think you handled it really well. What a scary situation. Hopefully your DD will have had a fright and will not do anything like as silly in future.

The poor guy must have had a terrible shock.

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 12:25

I'm not surprised these guys were horrified...it must be pretty sickening to find you have been drawn into an online relationship with someone you perceive to be a potential girl friend only to find you have done something which most guys would hate to do..got involved with a 13 year old

I can see why the girls did it tho..it must have been great fun ...

the immature aspect is not to have seen what they were doing as wrong and risky

b ut then at 13 they are immature

I think finding a balance bringing up teens is very hard..it is all very well as you approach them reaching that age..it is overwhelming when they actually do and can easily become very difficult very quickly

FluffyMummy123 · 09/01/2008 12:27

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 09/01/2008 12:27

Message withdrawn

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 12:28

oh and bright smart pretty girls are hard work as teenagers...they know how to be masters of deception

seeker · 09/01/2008 13:27

5 am amazed to find myself in this position - old fashioned radical feminist that I am - but the person I feel sorriest for in this situation is the man. I wonder what this has done to his confidence, self esteem, trust in his own judgement and faith in the human race? I do hope you emphasized to your daughter the potential risks to him as well as to her? Even the suspicion of interest in a 13 year old could have lost him his job - and it is obvious from some of the posts on this thread that people are (understandably) ready to be suspicious.

kittylouise · 09/01/2008 13:34

seeker - totally agree with you that this chap (and the one that was supposed to have slept with the OP dd's friend) could have got into all sorts of stink for doing nothing wrong. As far as they know they were talking to 19 year old women. They must be very shaken (and bloody relieved that it isn't a lot worse).

This whole thread has really made me wonder about the level of privacy girls this age are entitled to. I trust my daughter implicitly (as I am sure the OP did with her dd) but this has stopped me in my tracks really. My dd asked if she could go to her room with the lapton last night (ostensibly so she could listen to some dire music which would have driven me mad) but I asked her to stay in the sitting room with me. Now am I being paranoid??? Bloody hell it's hard to tell.

Am going to have a very relaxed chat with dd this week about what she does, who she speaks to etc etc.

Pan · 09/01/2008 18:26

most excellent!! Poor dd and dd's friend. Poor blokey! Can you imagine him in future on on-line dating..."so, you say you're 23. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Prove it!!

FWIW, it is good to know that looking behind dd's back wasn't the first method of checking up, so thank you for saying - that was my only question in the entire episode. Of course children have a right to some privacy, but not a total right when it comes to the internet????

mumeeee · 10/01/2008 11:23

Don't be asamed of your DD just tell her how cincerned you are.
Is it possible to bring in a rule that she can only use her laptop downstairs?
DD2 is 18 and has a laptop with internet but she only got that when she was 17. Before then she had an old laptop for doing work but if she wanted to go on the internet she had to use the computerin the front room.
DD3 16 today does not have a laptop so she uses the front room computer.

DaddyJ · 10/01/2008 18:05

Astonishing thread, thank God no one got hurt / had their reputation destroyed.
This story should be made into an educational film!

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