I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

[RedMist]

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

Completely agree with EllieG.... the positives completely outweigh any negatives (though I can't for the life of me imagine who would be so upset about anything in this thread that they would be worked up about it staying in active convos...). This thread is primarily about you and your family and dealing with issues that most of us have to face, either from time to time, or on a more regular basis... I can think of many other threads that I would rather not dip into on the basis that they are/might be upsetting.
I will be printing out bits of this thread for guidance... already looking forward to trying out the film crew idea...!

On second thoughts, have found some of the very negative, reactive posts to be quite upsetting... more so than anything else really... very unsupportive.

Totally agree with Ellie- first thing we used to say to our Mums at homestart was that by asking us in and asking for support, they've amde the most difficult step- after that everything is doable, and they need to think of themselves as a success for managing to ask for support rather than a failure for needing it, iyswim. The ones that concerned us were the ones who couldn't see there was an issue- they were the ones we ended up watching fall apart.

And frankly if anyone finds the OP really upsetting they've not spent enough time in RL sadly

I haven't read all this thread (just bits)but am going to wade through now and ignore the holier-than-thou bits.

Be back in a few hours (or tomorrow).

Have only got a little way in (will finish tomorrow) but just wanted to say that this:

"The house is and has always irritated me. I cannot keep on top of everything and sometimes, I just give up. Then I have spurts of getting it all sorted again and it makes me feel much calmer & in control."

REALLY strikes a chord with me.

I remember apologising to my HV on her visit a week after birth as the house was a total tip and bomb site. She said "don't worry you have a baby to mind it's when the house is too tidy we get concerned". That was such a nice thing to hear at that very moment and kept me going for a good while!

Redmist - I've found that the having our bedroom as a sanctuary thing doesn't really work in our house and if I try to escape and the boys come bounding upstairs and find me, I feel worse.

So I've made the kitchen my sanctuary area - the boys aren't allowed in because the oven's on and is hot (this is possibly a white lie sometimes ) and I'm always 'busy' in there. So they don't really want to come in - it's my area and when I'm in the kitchen they leave me to it. So I'm regularly to be found with the radio on in there having a quick coffee/biscuit!

So don't despair if the bedroom idea doesn't work - maybe try the kitchen or another room - but definitely having a few minutes away from everyone every now and then is invaluable!

I think you're amazing RedMist. You've been so brave posting this and I'm sure it's helped a lot of people.

FWIW I am one of those people who was threatened and hit as a kid and I think this thread should be moved because I know how easy it can be for people who really and truly love their children to lose their temper.

At the moment my DS is very young but sometimes when he wouldn't stop crying when he was tiny, I was very scared by the anger I felt. There are some really good ideas on this thread which I'd like to use when he's older.

Good luck.

Another vote for keeping this thread.

I've never hit my children but I feel no need to sit around polishing my halo - I spend plenty of times muttering through gritted teeth because they've wound me up. There's loads of room for improvement and this thread has really made me think hard about that.

There are lots of good ideas and insights on here and for me that outweighs the nastiness of the posts attacking redmist - obviously, redmist, you might not think so!

By the way redmist, I find reading aloud very calming - and not just for the children. I find that if I can direct my energy away from frustration at all the other things I "ought" to be doing, and use it for inventing voices for the characters and amazing sound effects, I end up being totally absorbed into the story which is a Good Thing.

Note: This is one time when you really don't want to imagine a TV crew in the corner......

I printed out some of the good ideas from this thread and talked them over with DP this evening. Has led to some really useful and productive discussion, so thank you everyone.

Redmist,
I second the votes for keeping this thread, and as for your moral dilema about possibly upsetting others by keeping it in active convos, there is always the option of hiding a thread -- think of how many people are getting valuable support from this and prioritise them.

i think there is so much good stuff on this thread that i hesitate to contradict things that have already been said, and I have actually already said this before, but i do think you would really benefit from reading this book. it has helped me to identify which areas of my life and parenting have to do with control, and has helped me to relax a great deal with my kids. i mean this in the nicest way possible: i'm not sure a list of rules with 'the parents are always in charge' is actually helpful -- but that is just me, and i wouldn't have thought that until i read the book. and i hasten to add, i read the book in depseration after suffering a period very similar to what you mention in your op.

one other thing: i totally recognise the feeling of relief of a good clear-out, we did that after Xmas, and I bought some cheap plastic bin-drawers like these to organise the kids' toys. for some reason, this has really helped during tidy up time (the kids like putting things away in their proper place), and helps them to identify what they want to play with. it is really bizarre how storage solutions canpossibly be related to my coping mechanism and the kids' independence, but somehow it is all connected.

i really do hope you and others keep posting on here.

OK, you've all convinced me. I shall ask MNHQ if they can tip the thread into the Parenting section.

TBH, I never really felt attacked by any of the posters. I've been around MN long enough to witness some real, major judging and bun fighting. I was expecting a whole lot more. Soapbox has really strong anti-smacking views and she controlled her responses brilliantly, given my OP. The other odd comments seemed to be more knee-jerk and pretty understandable when you consider what I did

This evening went well. We messed about after school and then I made cheese muffins with my daughter. I like cooking with them but I have to be in the right frame of mind, otherwise the mess irritates me to distraction. Tonight, I just turned towards the oven and ignored the flour and goo being liberally spread around - what the hell, I was going to have to clean up anyway, so what if there's a bit more to clean than if I'd done the baking myself!!!

No homework for either of them - yipeeee! That helped.

I just pointed out to DH that he didn't pay the kids much attention from them arriving home from school to them going to bed. He is very busy at the moment and it's our own business, so it is vital to all of us. He blustered "but I spent all weekend doing stuff with them" (which is true) so I calmly said "I'm not nagging you, just making you aware and to be fair, you're a father 7 days a week not just the weekend". He shut up. I scarpered on to here!

OK, I've now asked MNHQ.

oregonianabroad (I keep getting you mixed up with the lovely Orangina), I've ordered the book. I have quite a few parenting books but your recommendation looks like a turned around approach to it all and since that's what I'm aiming to do - I'll give it a go.

Just wanted to add my support for keeping this thread available for future reference.

I am no stranger to "the rages" myself (although have been a lot better the last couple of years), and there are so many useful things on here that I may well need to refer to in the future.

That sounds a bit selfish; I do want it to be there for everyone else as well of course!

.

Just wrote a long post and then lost it - darn...

Redmist - Maybe i shoudnt say this but I have been in your situation and i have that book - i'm afraid it just made me feel more inadequate.
Thanks for this thread and for all the advice on it.

I've put this thread on my 'watch' list!

Well done, RedMist. You're brave.

You're not alone.

I hope you've found some help and support here.

I know I have!

I've not read through the thread again, so I'm sorry if I'm repetitive of others.

But do want to say that we cannot all be clinically depressed. I think looking after children is fantastically, astonishingly hard sometimes. It's a cliche, yes. So much so, that no-one actually hears that truth, often.

Although I don't think I am depressed, and have tried hard to understand the impact of my past on my present (through psychotherapy), I still find it f*ing hard. Because it is hard.

I have had, in the past, whole weeks of failure and shame, where the worse the day before has been, the worse the next day will be. I haven't, somehow, been able to shake myself out of the circle - to look at my kids as the lovely kids they are, not as problems to be solved. Because I am ashamed. Because I feel a failure. It's a horrid loop.

This thread has done a huge amount to break the loop. Mainly, I think, because it's broken the shame element - to realize how many of us struggle with being kind, and with not losing it.

But also because of the brilliant suggestions for dealing with the fury that so many of us recognize.

So RedMist, I'm so glad you're not jumping for the AD's, (though I would support you if that's what you decide to do).

Good luck to you and to all of us. I've had two brilliant days so far!

Onebat, so have I!

I feel different within myself.

I'm not sure about the AD's yet. Not seeing the doctor until next week (they're inundated with people who have ailments I could diagnose over my kitchen table - that's the nature of the patients and our doctors at this time of year). I've been reading about cognative therapies though. I think I'd like to push him to recommend me for something similar.

Expat - I looked into light boxes. Bit cost prohibitive for us this month but I did notice today was blue sky sunny here - cold, but bright and it did feel good to be outside enjoying it (went to recycle centre, hardly the day trip of the year but it needed doing!).

Shitemum, I hear you. I have to try it though yeah? It might just click with me and if not, I'll come back and we can slate it together and get into fisticuffs with Oregon about it!

Emsie - it appears my request worked. Had a jolly nice email from Olivia @ MNHQ as well!

Shit. Just read that back and realised what a frigging insensitive thing to say given my OP - "get into fisticuffs with Oregon about it"

I need a good vet to put me down, I really dox1000

Definately try it, but if it doesnt make you feel positive chuck it! (I started a thread about this book once, will go and look for it)
I read too many parenting books and all of them have bits that make me feel inadequate.... {makes note to self - go with instincts and stop reading parenting books?} Good luck!

Red, if you can't afford the light box - I won one with £30 of Xmas money for the ILs - then just getting out.

Even if you just do nothing but stand in it.

This place has SO little light! Very, very little.

I am in the lower Western Highlands of Scotland and though we love it, it's not been easy on me and DD1.

Even just a wee bit of movement - it costs nothing, to dance around with a CD or to stretch a bit.

Makes all the difference in the world but I won't lie, at first, you will have to force yourself to do it. Over and over. Really, really force yourself.

I haven't time to read the whole thread, so sorry if this has been mentioned - if you are 40, there is a good chance that you are perimenopausal, and that can be hell on earth. When you see your GP, ask about blood tests.

I have just come back to this thread after a couple of days away and just wanted to say WOW REDMIST - you are doing so well

Well done, it took a lot of guts to post your OP and I am so glad for you and for the children that you have started to make some progress.

There are so many wonderful posts on this thread - Prufrock (wonderful to hear you sounding so positive again), Sophable, LisaLisa and lots of others as well

I agree that if possible, this thread should stay - I'm certainly adding it to my 'watch' list!

Redmist - don't worry about saying that!

shitemum - know what you mean about parenting books making you feel inadequate at time - sometimes I feel they just highlight for me all the things I should be doing but can't/won't.

onbatmother - your post really struck a chord with me - I often find that I get stuck in a groove of dealing with things badly, which makes me feel more inadequate/defensive/generally crap so I can't get out of it. Then I go all 'I don't care anyway' to protect myself from the hurt I am feeling and it makes things worse. I hate having these cycles and was quite down about them continuing.

Last night I talked really honestly to DP about it - que lots of tears from me - and he was great. I thought he would judge me but when I took the time to explain how I was really feeling he was fantastic. Unfortunately straight after we had talked, and I was feeling very fragile still DSD (who I am adopting, her Mum died 3 years ago) said that she had decided she didn't want to call me Mummy (she has always called me by my name but a while back said she would like to call me Mum when I adopted her). She said it freaked her out (the word mummy makes her think of sad times and Mummy who died), and I said it didn't matter what she called me, it was what she was comfortable with anyway and loved her whatever etc etc. After she had gone I was all ready (and did ) to burst into tears because I felt so rejected, but then I thought about the advice on this thread and thought 'no, YOU feel rejected, but this is not what she meant. She's not thinking of it in that way, your feelings of insecurity about that are your own, stop putting them on to the poor little one and then risking going to distant and rejecting her in turn to avoid hurting' And I think it worked. I haven't actually been able to spend time with her since as I left really early for work this morning but I will try my best to do something nice with her this evening.

Sorry for rambling post