I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

[RedMist]

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

Beautiful bed time last night. Ended up reading the whole of Peter Pan to them (that is a boring story right - not just me who thinks that?).

Lovely morning with no hitches or shouting, helped enormously by the fact that uniform, shoes, bags and lunches were sorted last night, so it was all smooth and calm and easy this morning. I don't think I could do 5.30am start Sweetgrapes but I can get organised the night before. I do also feel calmer when I know what's for tea in advance.

Creating a nice, tidy, sorted bedroom today for my sanctuary (sanity!). Have plans to ransack wardrobes and draws and bag up the clothes I will NEVER get into again, no matter what I do. I have to let my 'size 10 again' dream go because oddly, that's just adding unnecessary pressure as well!

I feel I need to lower my expectations of both myself and the kids/DH a little. I imagined an air bed when I was thinking about this - if it's too full of air, it's uncomfortable. If you let a bit out and release some of the pressure, it's much more comfortable.

I've got it into my head that I should use the time before I see the GP (and hopefully get put forward for counselling) to sort the home out bit by bit, which maybe isn't the main crux of the problem but it's going to help me.

I'm liking the list of rules and the sticker chart idea. My son would 'get' the rules and my daughter would kind of get them and be pulled along with the rest of us. The sticker chart for Mummy & Daddy could be very useful. The kids got a sticker maker for Christmas. I was thinking they would enjoy making mine and DH's stickers for our chart! It could be a very instant and visual reminder. Maybe I could add the words "Star Jumps" "Earth mother" "TV crew" "Children TO me" etc. Or maybe I should just write the list on the back of my hand each day!!!

Gosh this is a useful thread. Thank you for being brave enough to post redmist - I have had periods of depression and often feel a great deal of rage towards everyone nearest me - I try not to act on it but it is hard. Sometimes I can only cope by withdrawing completely and becoming very distant, which is not good for DSD, who then becomes increasingly needy and clingy as a result of feeling insecure. And so it goes on....

I have done a lot of thinking about this over the last few months and trying to change things - am on AD's and see a therapist, and think have turned a bit of a corner, but is really nice to hear I am not alone in not always coping brilliantly.

I find having a bedroom sanctury a really useful thing - DSD has been taught to knock if she wants to come in so I have a place where I can go for 10 mins or so to relax and recharge if things are too much. Plus what ginjaninja said about tidying and order really struck a chord with me as it's exactly what I feel. I think I will try running that past DP, he is lovely but messy, but I think if I explain how anxious I get and my need for a wee bit of order amoungst the chaos he will see I am not just being a nag. We have another baby on the way and I really want us to be a happy family, for DSD to feel accepted and valued and loved (which she is) and for me to be happy.

Sorry for long post. Good luck redmist I hope you find some peace x

Am loving this thread, will be checking in regularly. Lovely post Redmist, I feel inspired on my behalf as well as your behalf.
(btw Oregonian, dh bought me the lightbox, it is quite small a portable and looks like it has lots of little lights in it.... if you google "SAD light box", then loads of products and websites pop up. They are not cheap, but if it works, and I'm feeling better then I did before Christmas, then they are well worth it.....)

keep going redmist, you can get through this and your children will be happy.

cx

well done redmist....fantastic progress in a couple of days! keep going....

Wow redmist, you are an inspiration.

You made me absolutely ROFL - with 'size 10 again', I am still pathetically clinging to that dream and consequently half of my wardrobe is actually wasted space and a visual downer every time I open the door

Mine too! The majority of my wardrobe is full of clothes that used to fit. I think I might pack them away so they are not staring accusingly at me every time I look in there.

Good post ginger. I guess we all sometimes take our kids behaviour personally (rather than seeing it for what it is, kids being kids).

Good advice Wellie 'tidy up once a day'.

You shouldn't have stopped the Prozac. The calming (in some sedative) effect is a short term side effect that will pass.

Take them at night with a pint of water. This seems to help with teh early morning fatigue.

Glad you are feeling more in control redmist.

I know that a couple of people have mentioned therapy to you and this is utter pop psychology, but I wonder if this started around the time your eldest reached the age you were when your mother died?

I ask because various things came to a head here which in retrospect is linked to my eldest turning three which is the age I was when my mother became seriously depressed and withdrawn.

Well done Redmist. For speaking up and for acting on advice. I know exactly where you are coming from. I have had episodes that I am totally ashamed of with my 4 and 2 year olds. Especially the 4 year old. Especially when I have PMT and especially when my DH is being an ass.

The film crew thing has worked best for me for ages! More common that you'd think I guess!

Great thread that I am sure is helping almost ALL of us!

(I know someone who proudly claims never even to have shouted at her 4 1/2 year old. She works full time and the child is in breakfast clubs - after school clubs etc. I guess she has never shouted because she just never sees the poor little thing! - I'd rather be an occasionally shouty Mum that my children actually get to spend some time with than the 'perfect' Mum that never sees her kids!)

Redmist would you mind asking MNHQ to move this thread to other subjects .. I think it would be a shame if a lot of the helpful insights and thoughts get lost in 30 days but I think it is up to you whether you want it to be permanent

And again good going on turning the corner

yes good thinking icarus.

I definitely think we are far more connected to the specifics of our own childhoods than we realize; the details are not nearly so deeply buried as we might think, and can very easily bubble over into our immediate present.

Oh definatley icarus - in my case my issues started when dd was 2 (age I was when my mother died) but I was able to bury them by throwing myslef into studying. Then it all really came to a head when she was 4 (age I was when stepmum - toxic parent and root of all my problems- came into my life)

Redmist you are making great progress, but I speak as one who has been there, please don't get angry at yourlsef when you stop making progress. You don't have to be good at geting better - it's a very long process and you have to accept that there will be setbacks, and there will be days when you scream at the kids and that's actually normal - as long as you can control your actions (ie no hitting, and apologise if you've been unfair) you shouldn't expect to be able to control your feelings just because you now recognise them.

MNHQ? What twiglett says?

and MNHQ, I know on the whole comedy is good for the weekly roundup threads, but this has been an amazing thread and I'm sure there are lots more out there who would think so..

How do you nominate threads?

i have found this thread very helpful
i have printed out the rules list from looby

i get stressed with dd age 4 she is so different from her older sister
and i find it so challenging.. to disapline her as nothing seems to worry her

Lordy - there's nothing left in my wardrobe! There's not much left in DH's and either of the children's either. Ransacked all clothes and shoes, discovered a good 50% of them were too small, knackered or I never liked them anyway - so it's all just been taken to the recycling bin. Feels good

I keep thinking the mother thing is a bit of a red herring because I do feel very at peace with it. I was bloody lucky Project, my step-mother had already raised 6 kids of her own and she was my Mum's best friend (her husband died 18 months before my mum died and she and my Dad kept each other going). She can recall details about my Mum, how she fed us, what nappy cream she used, when we got our first teeth....because she was there. She married my Dad when I was 15 but she has always been in my life and as I said further down the thread, I had a whole host of other stand-in mothers and really good teachers, who supported us in all manner of ways.

On the other hand, I've made a right cock-up of this so far, so I have to bring that aspect up for discussion with the GP/Therapist/Counsellor because hey, what the hell do I know? Maybe it's salient and needs to be addressed. I'll let you know as and when I find out myself.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I didn't quite get the sanctuary I was after because I got distracted with clearing out all the wardrobes BUT, another weight lifted because of that little exercise. Got a couple of ideas lined up for when the kids get home from school (just little activities I know they like), I know what's for tea and I'll do the once over house sweep when they're slumped in front of the TV, after tea.

They both normally get homework on a Wednesday and it's a definite flash point time. DH is at home, so we're going for the 'divide & conquer' approach. This'll be the biggest test today I fear.

I was kind of thinking this is long term and to be fair, I've not really been tested in the last 24 hours. I'll see how this evening goes.

Twig - I think it's (I) upset a lot of people as well. Do you really think it's a good idea to keep it? I feel a bit guilty posting on it, knowing it bumps it in active convo's and people who have been upset by it have to see it again. That said, it's keeping me focused just now and I need it and it seems to be giving loads of other people good ideas - ooooeeee, I don't know what to do for the best....

I think its a worthy thread that helps many people

I think those who have professed to be upset by your honesty should really reconsider the ethos of mumsnet as I said before

we all have problems, we're supposed to help each other .. your problem is not that out of bounds of most parents .. we all rage .. we all need to keep these rages in check

so personally yes I think it should be kept .. for those who can benefit from it

but I also think it's your decision

I really think the benefits of keeping it outweigh the possible negs, in terms of numbers of people upset/helped. I don't think v many have been upset by it, though some were quite cross at the beginning.

I can be a toxic parent at times so have read this thread with great interest and will be resolving to do a good deal better, using many of the techniques described.

RedMist, really good to see your post mid morning yesterday when you sounded so determined to sort this....

Maybe it has upset people Redmist but it is still a positive thing.

If it has upset you because you are like this, or recognise aspects of yourself in redmist's honest admissions then it is quite healthy to get upset if it provokes you to make a change for the good of the family and your own emotional wellbeing.

I think is a bloody good thread. Issues like this exist in reality, and you can get all on your high horse about them or you can try and talk honestly and sort them out. I know which course of action helps children more. I am a social worker in Child Protection, and I know that my work would be a 100 times easier if people were honest enough to approach a problem like this in such a useful way. Condemnation of people who are genuinely asking for help is not useful for anyone. If I went around making parents who ask for help feel like shit I might be making myself feel good up there on my moral high ground, but it certainly doesn't help a family. Sorry to go on, but I feel quite strongly that when someone knows what they're doing needs changing, it's counter-productive to make them feel even worse.