I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

[RedMist]

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

You know, redmist, your sense of humour will serve you well as a powerful weapon in your armoury

have just read all off this, and it really struck a chord, I don;t have depression but do have moments when I lose it. I really rarely smack but my girls do push me to the limits especially at bedtime, and then I end up hating myself. I want to change this and have copied the rules that are posted lower down. I hope that with sticker charts etc I can get their behaviour under control.

i dont feel the viscious venom bit - more just a case of tiring of it all. have been on my own with them for years, had to be the responsible adult i never really felt. lately tho i just keep switching off - am ok at work, manic even, have to be self motivated as i work alone all day and some evenings when i can. at home tho, which is always well decorated..ish, clean, tidy etc (more down to auto pilot and routine) - i just switch off and feel like wandering off. but i cant, too many responibilities, would upset everyone. i just feel like starting again, new town, new life. reggie perrin has just come to mind which isnt good.
more seriously tho i just find it all so tedious and going nowhere - never found being a single parent difficult - only the descision making bit - and the scary teenager bit - oh and the no money bit. apart from that tho - i just feel tired of it all.

Have to agree with Lisa and onebats posts. The OP clearly loves her children and wants help. She isn't in a good place right now and I just think that people without anything helpful to say, don't post! The op has come on here to ask for help, clearly distressed by what has happened, the last thing she needs in a bunch of women telling her she is being highly abusive blah blah blah.

RM, please don't panic yourself and get worked up. What has happened, has happened. And I think it's plain to see that you feel dreadful about it. But the situation reads to me, that this anger you have inside of you, it's not your fault it's there. Every parent has moments with their children, where they push your buttons to the point where you may explode! It doesn't mean you're a bad parent, it means you're a human being.

My dd (7mo) didn't go to bed until 10 past twelve tonight, I'm exhausted! I've just had 3 hours of constant screaming and batteling trying to get her down, nothing wrong with her, she just wanted to be up and playing. There were several moments where I had to leave the room and take a few deep breaths because I felt myself getting worked up and angry. And in the heat of the moment, you don't rationalise the fact that they're little and just want to be played with and cuddled. You just see it as them being naughty and refusing to do what you want them to do. So you leave the room and take 2, and then feel guilty for being angry with them. Then you go back in, and the same thing happens until you get the desired result!

The only problem is that it seems you've gone past the stage of being able to just walk away and come back when you're feeling calmer. My advice would be to go back to the doctors, and ask if there is anything else they can give you. Tell them that you feel you cannot really look after your kids whilst on prozac as it's knocking you out too much. I'm sure they'd understand and see if there is anything else they can prescribe. Also see about some sort of one to one thearpy setions, where you can talk about this stuff without being judged, and get offered great advice on calming techniques.

I think the centre of this problem is time. You don't have any for you. You spend it all clearing up after everybody and pulling your kids apart when they start fighting, like kids do. When was the last time you had an hour to yourself to have a bath or get your nails done? Get your kids some kind of rota for cleaning up etc. Happy faces for when they do something good, sad faces for when they don't do something or are naughty. If they are good, reward them. Kids love to do this kind of thing, they thrive on being rewarded.

I understand to an extent what you're feeling. I've been put on some anti-d's recently for PND. I too had a lot of anger/rage issues, that came out of nowhere. The smallest thing could make me snap, even dd when she'd start crying. The rational part of me knew the poor thing was just teething, but I wasn't being or thinking rationally. I'd just get angry, without thinking. I was lucky enough to recognize there was an issue and got some help. I was also lucky enough to never reach the point that you have. I do sometimes cry myslef to sleep some nights because, if I hadn't of got help, it really scares me to think I may have lashed out at a beautiful, perfect, innocent baby girl who I love with every ounce of my soul. And I really hate myself for the way I have felt in the past, and sometimes I look at my dd and wonder how the hell I could ever have felt any negativity towards her. And I'll be cursed with this guilt for the rest of my life, but at least now I know, I'm getting better.

The way you feel is not your fault. Please go and speak to the doctors. I hope you feel better soon.

We are women and we must STOP beating ourselves up.

I've been skimming this a bit and there is so much helpful advice from people. Much more helpful than some of the origional comments that I read. No time to read entire thread, muct go to bed. But RM, I really do hope you feel better soon.

sorry to butt in. Could I just say what I think? I have been very lucky to have four wonderful sons. I should have 26 yr old twins, a 23 yr old and a 10 yr old. Because of crap that has happened I now have a wonderful 26 yr old son and an amazing 10 yr old son. PLEASE STOP RIGHT THIS VERY BLOODY MINUTE. I dont want to sound like Mary Poppins because I have had my moments. We are SO VERY, VERY LUCKY THAT WE HAVE CHILDREN - millions of women all over the world crave what we have got. Everybody calm for one moment. I am not claiming to know what everybody needs to do to have a happy family I am just trying to say SIEZE THE DAY and SMILE AT EVERYBODY YOU MEET. There is nothing worse than death - nothing. Get a grip and enjoy what you have got

HI, RM. Am 42 and have a 6 yr old & a 4 yr old boys. Have to be brief, but here is what I think. Pls do not go to your GP - when they hear stories like that they think social services and pills (that´s what they know, that`s what they hand out). And I do not think you have a problem, at least not yet. If you want to take something, go to an alternative therapist and try a homeopathic remedy. (Agnus Castus from Quest has helped me to stop lashing out, but pls do not just take it on your own).

Now, for a short time remedy: you need to get out. You probably feel too tired to do so, but you need to leave the house (as is!) for a few good hours and take care of yourself (just yourself, do not squeeze in some errands or shopping for the family). You know what you would like to do, but whatever you do, put a lot of physical space, bet u & the family & the house. If you can see a girlfriend for a cup of coffee and to commiserate, good. You deserve some time off.

As for the kids, prep a reward book: a tick/star/smiley face for each task they manage well. Each month three different tasks to be taken care of daily (picking up toys before mealtimes/bedtime etc, bringing dishes to the sink, doing homework on time/ saying please etc, whatever is pertinent). After 5 ticks, a reward: a toy car, pop corn in the evening, staying 5 min longer up etc. In the beginning you will have to stay on it, but very soon they will be asking for their ticks, performing their tasks and you will be v proud of them.

Also, setting some rules. Ours are:living room has to be left empty of toys for mummy & daddy at the end of day (exception: a whole set of train rails can overnight if it is nicely built, or a puzzle, but all loose pieces have to go to sleep in their boxes). Ditto their room. Drawing etc takes place only in Kitchen, where the debris is easier to deal with. Daddy´s and mummy´s mess stays in the study/guest room, so that we can close the door on it. Etc etc Am sure you get the picture.

Hope I have helped, RM! Whatever you think, you are not alone, and you are definitely not a monster. Just very human, and very involved! Love, Z

Oh Shab I don't know what happened but your post is very moving. It's so non-judgemental but such a wake-up call.

shabster. I'm glad you've got 4 wonderful sons and that you're so happy, but tbh, saying things like get a grip, smile at everyone and be grateful isn't too constructive if you're knee deep in nightmares.

and while you definitely went through this yourself, it was 20 years ago! I don't think with 23 & 26 year old children (or even a 10 year old) you can really FEEL the unbelieveable stress that can be generated by young children, nor is it really possible to remember what it was like 2 decades ago.

I think all the mothers on this thread feel a real sence of commitment to mothering their children better, and so many useful tips are to be found here, but tbh get a grip isn't the most constructive advice I've read.

oh, and I disagree, there are worse things than death. I just watched my beloved mil spend 4 months in and out of consciousness, in a huge amount of pain, distress, confusion following the unsuccessful removal of a brain tumour. By the end, even her elderly mother was praying she would die.

Sorry, but that was a sore point and I just felt it was too glib.

Anyway, the list I made last night if it might help anyone, maybe we can compare notes

On a day-to-day to improve my mental state -

*more sleep - earlier nights, daytime nap where possible ( I am pg, lol)
Relaxation/meditationMore disciplined household management, meal planning and not letting it get out of control, enlist boys' help - teamwork
exerciseget outside
*piano practise

Avoiding flashpoint, which for me are -

*Mess - consider getting a cleaner

• more discipline as above

*Lateness - better planning of day, keeping an eye on the time

• allow more time to get ready

*Tired - esp by bed time - imagine the film crew

• make it a game

If the RED MIST is descending
*count slowly

• GO and drink a glass of cold water *star jumps! *stop and dance *run away! *avoid tea and sweets

Interested to see other people's lists.

BTW very unusually, had great bed time last night.
Woke up to sound of ds1 & 2 fighting and screaming. Did not loose cool at all, turned it around and actually had fun breakfast time and got the boys out early for school with no stress, shouting or tantrums. Amazing.

So thank you all again.

Ernest.. shabster was speaking from the heart. I don't think you picked up from her post that she has lost two of her children. Have a heart x

No, you're right, I totally missed that.

I am so incredibly sorry and I do have a heart just really crap timing, overly sensitive and total foot in mouth.

Shabster, please accept my very sincere apologies.

really does make you think doesn't it..
of course you have a heart .. it's easy to miss things

You clearly need some help, you also clearly love your kids! Do you have a great H.V? I have a 9yr old with ASD / ADHD and wouldnt have got through many years without my H.V she was always my 1st port of call and referd me on to others or gave me the advice I needed.
Do not take the pills, they dont solve anything.
The stratagies that you know you should be using are HARD to get up and running but you MUST stick with them (time out etc) It gives your kids and yourself VITAL chilling / thinking time to stop the situation getting worse. It takes serious dedication to start up when things are that wayward!! It will give you all boundries in the end. You hubby will need to stick to it aswell!
Get the kids involved with the tidying up, make a rota, tick list and they get a reward for so many jobs at the end.....a game for all 3 of you would be good as you all get some quality family time once the jobs are done.Little ones love filling the washing machine, dusting etc, it may not be the best dust in the world but it has to be better then not done at all!
ANd just to end that as a mum of young kids NOONE expects to come into your house and see it with everything in its place and immaculate, it wouldnt be normal if it was. You can have a clean but lived in house. My house loks lush when I go to bed at night, once my boys get up in the morning it all goes downhill from there till they drop again! Good luck

ernest, I clicked on shabsters profile and did a quick search. She lost two of her boys (one as a 7 month old and one in a tragic accident). I think what she's saying is "hey, wake-up call. Be thankful for what you have". I do get this. People desperately trying to conceive, people with children who have died, people with children who have SN, people in all sorts of situations who are living with 10 times the amount of crap that I can only barely understand. Trouble is - like on Monday night - none of these people and their lives flashed into my mind. It was too full of being angry.

Good list ernest - I will go through the thread later today and do mine.

Sdadof3 I have often wondered how my Dad coped when he was a single Dad after Mum died. I know a couple of things. Because he was a Dad, he felt he (we) received extra support from friends/family & the community. He voiced the idea that a single Mum would not have received as much support.

That said, my step-sister is now married to a man who bought his son up single-handed and he said the exact opposite. People, especially at the school gates, were often ultra wary of him. He once had a little girl dropped off at his house for a play date with his son. When the mother found out that there was no Mummy in the house, she stayed for the duration of the playdate and her questions to him suggested she did not trust him to look after her daughter

I've often wondered how single parents cope full stop. I'm trying to deal with this and deal with my irritations, frustrations, anger, treadmill etc and I have a supportive DH, family and friends around etc. Single parents and people like ernest, who are coping totally alone just amaze me. I have one friend on her own and I support in every way I can because I know the pressure cooker feeling that the home can become but still, she deserves a bloody knighthood in my opinion.

sakura, I will read that thread but honestly, hand on heart, I did have a lovely childhood! Sure, it was a smidge alernative in places but I was loved and we laughed and we were very happy. My Dad died a few years ago and it was the worst time - he was such a great man. He was a character, a soul mate, a father, a friend. Everyone loved him and I thank my lucky stars to have had him for a father and to share a gene pool with him.

Got to dash now. MIL needs taking shopping and dd needs picking up at lunch for a routine hospital appointment, so bit of a manic day.

I read this thread when there was on a few posts, and have jsut sat and re-read the whole thing! So much of what people write could be me. I do get very angry and frustrated with my DSes. I have never been violen towards them, although DH did throw the PS2 down the stairs 9which resulted in people telling me to elave him, very helpful). The DSes just wind each other up to teh poin that they are yelling and screaming and hitting each other and then I get annoyed and angry. Nothing works punishment wise though, and it seems to be jsut me. I was working a lot the Christmas holidays and DH had them a lot and he said they were good, no arguments etc. I think though, they know I am ill, I have Fibromyalgia which results in being in apin about 80% of the time, it causes chronic fatigue and concentration problems etc. I also have to work and I do this 4 days a week which is a killer. It's only 12 hours but becasue of the health problems it seems like 80 hours
I also hate where I live and often feel resentment towards DH for bringing us here. I live in an MQ which has so many problems its crap, in an area I don't like, teh DSes ahve nothing to do.
This seems to just trigger everything off. they get bored, I am tired and sore, and we clash!
Sorry for the novel, I needed to get it out my system. There are some good ideas on here, wills tudy them again later

saltire - what's an MQ?

Wow, there is so much helpful advice her RM.
I also understand how you feel. Agree with everyone about know your flashpoints and if the kids are safe walk away and try to calm down.
Parenting is so hard and it is so difficult to admit to feeling less than perfect as a parent.
I have also found a part time job really helps me and gives me space and time to mull things over.
Your husband sounds a bit like mine[hmm}. I feel like I have to tell him what to do and after twnety years you would have thought he would know when to step in and help out but he appears oblivious.

You sound like you have the strength to get through this, you recognise where you are which is such a god thing. You can't change what has happened but you can have a better time today and tomorrow.

Sorry its a Married Quarter - for military familes. its an abbrviation for their "housing" and I use the term house loosely as some of them aren't fit to house animals

Hi Redmist... Wow this topic os generating some chat! My heart goes to you. Being a mum is a curse and a blessing, it's trying to get the balance right. I'll tell you my tale and hope it helps. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago, altho my kids were younger. I was miserable with my lot, and altho I would gladly give my life for my kids I resented them terribly. I did not want to be a full time mum, I was forced into it by ridiculous child care costs, and even with a fab DH after a few monotonous months of motherhood at home, I cracked. The crunch came when my DD gave me a load of lip which I should have ignored, but I didn't, I screamed at her, smacked her backside and scared her so much she peed her knickers. My most shameful moment to date. I cried all night, went to my GP next day and started ADs.Not ideal, I also didn't like the fuzzy, don't care feeling that came with it. However, it made me cope, and reclaim my love for my kids and HD. In addition to that I went to college 2 nights a week, met some people who had NOTHING to do with kids at all and I took a bit of myself back. It helped SO much. I was on ADs for 18 months, was hard coming off them, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! I have now started work again which has helped me even more as I am away from home/kids most of the week. I still have days when I feel like tying them to a rail outside Sainsburys (when they fight, and niggle and pester for food every 2 minutes), BUT I can cope now. Ignore the criticism from negative comments, no-one is perfect, and I applaude you for taking these steps. You will recover, you just need to find what works for you. It's so scary to lose control, esp with kids, and anyone who doesn't understand that this type of thing can happen is deluded. I wish you well RM, I hope this gets better for you real soon. XX (p.s. I found Reiki really helped as well, so much so I learned how to help others!)

Red Mist

I too have felt and acted in ways which I'm ashamed of, so I totally feel for you and am so impressed with the progess you have made so far, from your OP to the steps you've taken.

I think p/t work would really help but I can't help thinking that this would be easier if you worked somewhere else, not with DH. You need your independence back and this won't happen if you are working with him.

I used to work full time with DH and it can cause extra stress as you bring work home with you.

xxx

redmist - i dont have any great words of wisdom but just wanted to say that your feelings are by no means unusual. parts of your OP could have been written by me. i was on fluoxetine for 9 months and came off them because i felt better. big mistake!!!! i have felt crap since.
my anger comes from a childhood incident that has resurfaced and has caused me pain, grief and upset. i have opened the floodgates and now i am struggling to deal with my own emotions. i swing between intense anger and gut wrenching sobbing.
i will go back to GP and go back on AD's if you will to , even a chemically enhanced smile is better than no smile at all!

lisalisa i am definitely going to try your suggestions

Redmist having SN kids doesn't make you invulnerable (or in any way superior) to the tempers I can asure you! i'm a shouter not a hitter but since your OP have been able to retain my clamness with the boys far more effectively as you amde me think about what lay behind it (for me largely lack of sleep and frustration). So I do thank you.

My alst paid job was with homeStart and if I ahd walked into a family with a Mum who was as eloquent and self analytical as you then i'd have been more than happy that you would cope with just a bit of support- exactly what you're getting here.

Not one eprson on MN or in RL is a perfect Mum. Some yell, some feed their kids crap or ignore them or whatever. The good Mum's are those who are aware of where they fall down, and are trying to address that.

SingleDadOfThree

Just noticed that one of the posts just after yours says "we are all women"!

Actually we aren't! As parents we are all in the same boat and as a single dad you are obviously feeling all the same stresses as the mums on here.

Sometimes I feel that its only the regular posters who get a response and I just wanted to say hello and its great that you're on this site too - maybe it should be renamed?
x

Reading Peachy's post has reminded me - www.homestart-org Homestart]] are great! They have helped me massively, initially with their Mums In Mind PND support and then further with the weekly coffee mornings aimed at Mum's who have suffered with PND and anger. I love Homestart - they've made it so much easier for me to cope.