Is it normal to feel a bit jealous of your kids?

[ElfinsMum]

My eldest DD is now 11. I keep catching myself feeling rather jealous of her enjoyable life. For example, this morning she went to the beach with family friends and they went paddle boarding and snorkeling (we live in Aus). I stayed at home and did childcare / cleaning because DS is isolating.

Overall, her life revolves around friends, sport, entertaining her baby sister when she feels like it, and having an absolutely awesome last year at primary school. My life is 4 days per week at work doing a job that no one would love but I need to do to pay for her high school fees, an average marriage and domestic/childcare drudgery.

Maybe my mum felt exactly the same when I was 11?? Maybe DD1 will be me in 30 years?!

Anyone prepared to admit they felt like this and found a way to kick it?

Find something you love doing that you can only do as an adult. It might be hard to fit in but it sounds like even taking some time for yourself would improve your outlook. Your daughter does sound like she has a lovely life and she has you to thank for that in part. I hope you don't let her feel your jealousy!

No, I take joy in seeing my children happy and healthy, socialising with friends. I am the adult, they are the children, that's how it should be.

I wouldn't feel jealous, sorry. That doesn't sound like a healthy response.

I’m not jealous of my children, They’re having a much better childhood than I ever had. I don’t begrudge them a happy childhood.
It warms my heart to see them happy.

I would however get very pissed off if they took me and what I’ve worked hard to give them for granted. I make sure they take part in family chores to keep them grounded in reality, and have the ethic of working hard at school / homework means they can enjoy themselves.

I had a pretty happy time since I left home up until I got married, so I feel I had my fair share of the fun back then. Besides they don’t stay young forever and they will soon join us in the treadmill of life!

I can’t relate to that, I think my children are the only people I could never feel jealous of. I want them to have everything and more.

No I don’t. My kids have a charmed childhood and I had a horrible one but rather than jealous I feel sort of like I’m winning if that makes sense? Like I’ve built a better lifestyle for my kids.

I don’t think it’s healthy to be jealous of her doing normal things like having a day out with friends while you have to work - that’s just being an adult. We all have to work/do household stuff etc, while kids don’t have those burdens. If you’re not happy in your life you need to examine that rather than being jealous of your daughter going to the beach and being at school.

I've not experienced this but how to kick it: take some steps to make your own life more enjoyable.

There's going to be some drudgery with raising children but there can and should be lots of fun in there too!

I get this. Not in a negative, taking it out on them way. But I do see her going through the journey of childhood and think "those were the days"/"wish adult life was as good."

People are quick to assume everything is highly negative on here.

Overall, her life revolves around friends, sport, entertaining her baby sister when she feels like it, and having an absolutely awesome last year at primary school. My life is 4 days per week at work doing a job that no one would love but I need to do to pay for her high school fees, an average marriage and domestic/childcare drudgery.

This also makes you sound really resentful of her. It’s not her fault you need to pay her school fees, or that you have an average marriage. Also, of course her life revolves around sport/school etc. She’s 11. What else would her life revolve around?

Well she's a child and you're an adult. Of course your life is going to be taken up with more drudgery than hers. One day she'll have a job and family of her own.

Im not sure you really meant you're jealous of your actual child. That would be odd because let's face it, when they're happy life is much better for you.

Do you perhaps mean that you have pangs of wishing your life was less encumbered? I think there are things you can do and that actually a small shift can make all the difference- give you a different perspective on adult drudgery (which definitely exists!)

I mean you don't just have to accept that being in the moment stops when you become an adult and drudgery begins!

OP I don’t think this is normal, jealousy is usually when you resent someone having something you do not which is a pretty toxic viewpoint from which to view your kids. I am happy that my kids have opportunities that I did not and my parents always made it clear they felt the same for me and my siblings. Sounds like you are unhappy with your lot in life so you need to address that rather than feel resentful towards your daughter. Her time will come as it does to all adults where life is not so free and easy so don’t begrudge her this stage in her life.

It’s brilliant when you are aware of something like this. Now the next step is to see how you can change something to make your life better.

• look for another job
• delegate some of the drudgery to other members of your family
• find ways to improve your relationship with your dh. Talk to him.
• find hobbies and social activities for yourself. Set a time for them that goes on the calendar.

I think jealous probably isn't the best word to describe what you are feeling - maybe envious or nostalgic for the privileges of childhood would be closer?

If we are lucky our childhood years should be filled with fun, new experiences and freedom from excessive responsibilities. Being an adult has different rewards (including watching our DC experience all these things) but also a lot of slogging. But you can remember to make it fun by planning and doing things you really enjoy - just unfortunately not when you are stuck home with an isolating child!

Basically, go paddle boarding next week.

I don’t think it is usual. I think it would be ok to be jealous of a neighbour who was living like that, but this is what you want for your dd isn’t it? To be happy and carefree?

Not jealous, glad for them.
My son is older and has been travelling to places I can only dream of.
Not jealous but proud of him and proud of myself for bringing up a child with a sense of adventure.
You sound unhappy with your own life OP maybe you should work on that.

I do feel jealous. I grew up in abject poverty whereas my DH has a decent job so my kids have everything I always wanted, all of the hobbies and opportunities. I finally understand why I’ve struggled so much in life, because I now realise the impact of everything I missed out on. Also my kids have friends and aren’t being bullied, which is great but again highlights how hard and unhappy my own life was. I suppose it’s not so much jealousy as sadness that my own childhood wasn’t better. Also partly anger at my parents for not giving me those opportunities because now I’m a parent myself I can see how important that stuff is.

It sounds like seeing her do those things is reminding you that you’re not enjoying your life.

I know what you mean though, I think others have been a little harsh. When my youngest went to the most incredible forest school nursery, I’d drop him off and think “I’d rather be spending the day having fun here than going to my job”, which made me realise i didn’t like having a desk job, so I retained. Wasn’t easy. But so worth it.

Do you like your job? Do you have enough outdoorsy hobbies? Friends?

Follow your envy, they say…

Retrained, even!

There have been time where I’d love to be doing things my young adults are doing but it’s not jealousy as such, just I’d love to be at that stage of life again too. The over riding emotion is gladness that they have the option of doing these things in life. Even as young adults, I’m still sacrificing things to facilitate this. But that’s my choice.

I don’t think you are actually jealous, you are just dissatisfied with your own life. What do you need to do to improve this?

I think it is odd to be jealous of your child tbh. If she's 11 then those are the things she should be doing. At some point she will have to work etc too. I have younger siblings and I'd never be jealous of them either. Would you feel better if your DD had a harder life??

No. My aim was and is for my daughter to have the best life possible

I’m uncomfortable with your phrase of looking after her sister when “she feels like it” . That’s your job not hers. You chose to have children.

If you’re unhappy with your life then do something to address it, but being jealous of your own child because of your own life choices is concerning.

Maybe you should swap, OP - send her to work and you can go to primary school? That should sort it.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think jealous probably isn't the best word to describe what you are feeling - maybe envious or nostalgic for the privileges of childhood would be closer?

If we are lucky our childhood years should be filled with fun, new experiences and freedom from excessive responsibilities. Being an adult has different rewards (including watching our DC experience all these things) but also a lot of slogging. But you can remember to make it fun by planning and doing things you really enjoy - just unfortunately not when you are stuck home with an isolating child!

Basically, go paddle boarding next week.

This is a great response.

I do not feel envious of my children but it might be that DS1 (aged 12) has a range of issues with him that is making his childhood really tough and DS2 has alot of his life curtailed because of the amount of effort that needs to go into DS1.

I do feel envious of other people who are able to give their kids lovely childhoods though and I feel really sad when I see people posting things on fb and the like about their kids doing sports, or having days out and all that.

I prefer being an adult- childhood can be so hard. Puberty, school, negotiating friendshiops and growing up. having no real say over the choices adults make for you.

I would be so happy if my dd had a happy life, she is autistic and friendless so no I don't feel jealous just incredibly sad.