Is it normal to feel a bit jealous of your kids?

[ElfinsMum]

My eldest DD is now 11. I keep catching myself feeling rather jealous of her enjoyable life. For example, this morning she went to the beach with family friends and they went paddle boarding and snorkeling (we live in Aus). I stayed at home and did childcare / cleaning because DS is isolating.

Overall, her life revolves around friends, sport, entertaining her baby sister when she feels like it, and having an absolutely awesome last year at primary school. My life is 4 days per week at work doing a job that no one would love but I need to do to pay for her high school fees, an average marriage and domestic/childcare drudgery.

Maybe my mum felt exactly the same when I was 11?? Maybe DD1 will be me in 30 years?!

Anyone prepared to admit they felt like this and found a way to kick it?

No I don't think I could feel jealous of my dc's. I want them to have as much happiness as possible. I want their lives to be joyful and carefree while they are still young.

I don't think it's normal at all I'm afraid. I read our thread title and thought 'you what?'

I love that my children are having a blast in childhood. I'm happy for them. I want to give them every opportunity I can. It fills me with joy that I can do that.

For you going forward, I think you need to find happiness in your own life. A hobby, going out with friends more, whatever. Fix whatever is making you unhappy. But don't be jealous if your kids.

I don’t feel jealous of my two year old, but I was talking to a fellow toddler mum a while back about the charmed life our two lead. We were raised on marmite sandwiches and weak Safeway’s squash. Our kids were eating a (normal for them) picnic of hummus, breadsticks, bits of cheese, fruit etc at a National trust garden.

I don’t want to be the old Yorkshire grandad of ‘my only toy was a stick and I had to walk 5 miles in the snow to school, uphill both ways’ but I do get the urge to tell my toddlers they don’t know how good they’ve got it

Get a grip...jealous of your 11 year old being happy?!!

It's your job as a parent to give them a happy life - address your own issues and let your kid be a kid.

I wouldnt say "jealous" exactly ,but yes sometimes I have felt they have a good time with activities ,trips out and so on .We were not poor when I was a child ,but not rich and they have had more opportunities .However I am pleased for them .Can you not get out and about when DS is no longer isolating? I vividly remember playing Rounders and having fun with my friends when 11 .She will have it all to do when shes older as my Nan used to tell me!

Nope, I dont feel jealousy , I feel proud . I have 3 adult dc one earns much more than me , one has worked in America which is what I was supposed to have done when I was younger but I got pregnant with his older brother and my dd is at Uni and won't be moving back home when her course finishes . I'm proud of them all and what they have achieved and my life probably is boring in comparison but I have a happy marriage and always have a day out or weekend away to look forward to .Do you think you are bored with the drudgery of life and domestic duties op?

I actually think what OP is describing isn't uncommon - I've seen a lot of parents try and circumscribe what their adult children can/should do essentially because they're jealous that they have options they don't. This often seems to underline opposition to adult children moving away from their home area, to women continuing to work after they have children, to adult children going to university or doing other things that 'aren't for people like us'. I think very often the underlying attitude is 'why should you have it easier/better than me?'. So I don't think the OP is unique, but that doesn't mean I condone it either - I think it's really toxic and damaging.

Nope.
My kids have more than I did at their age, but I think it's way more complicated for them now.
I've also spent my adult life teaching teenagers. I get a bit wistful looking at the lives of my 6th formers, but by and large, I am inordinately thankful that I will never have to be a teenager again.

Not when they were kids - I did a lot with them and shared the memories / relived it a bit. Now they are young adults I am envious in a way - we are so much more aware of difficulties, of respecting childrens views etc and they have had less to deal with than I did all through adult life. I had a very sad childhood in a way and they didn’t so I am a bit envious of their youth and whole life ahead of them which is not hampered by what I went through. I wouldn’t want it any other way but it makes me sad to realise I’m coming to the end of working / social life and I’ve run out of time.

I agree it's not jealously but maybe thinking back with fond memories to my own childhood, I had a very happy upbringing, as I hope my DS does, and compared to worrying about an aged parent, money worries, pension planning, fixing leaking gutters, negotiating difficult situations at work - of course being a carefree youngster can look exciting. Actually writing that down makes me realise that my own DM (90) could well be 'jealous' of my lifestyle compared to her's now. But would I really want to go back in time - no thanks.

Nope. The opposite actually. Seeing my child do something lovely makes me feels really, deeply happy.

It is perfectly normal if you have a life of drudgery.
Your life is important too & you need to find some pleasure/fulfillment person in your own right. Being a mum is lovely but it's not enough in itself.

No. Never. I find that really odd. You're the adult. She's just a child.

Don't you get a massive kick of pride out of having created such a gorgeous, happy, carefree childhood for her? You deserve credit for doing this.

But as other PPs said, maybe this feeling is a sign you need more fun and relaxation in your own life. Once your DS is no longer isolating, join them on the beach, and maybe bring a paid teenager with you to play with her and her younger siblings on the sand while you go out paddle boarding.

No, I had my turn and it was lovely. I look back on my childhood with pure joy and love. I just hope they will do the same.

I do get jealous of their youthful non wrinkly skin though...lol..

Like a PP said I'm guessing you meant envy and nostalgia, when my kids are moaning I wish I could shake them into realising how good they've got it and how boring adult life is!
I'm quite a miserable owd cow on the whole, and seeing my children get out, being free and happy, plenty fresh air and fun.... one of the very few things in life that give me real joy. Plus, peace and quiet if they're out! Bonus!

No I am also the opposite - my life goal for my kids is that I want them to be happy so I am fulfilled when they are rather than jealous.

I think like a pp maybe you mean nostalgic ? I hope so anyway because I wouldn't agree jealous would be a healthy reaction.

I'm proud when I see my dc have a day like that , life hasn't been at all easy for us and because if that I am proud that I managed to protect that bubble around my dc for them to have that. I sometimes smile a bit remembering when I was the same but in truth I instantly then remember they have all the growing up to do and I don't envy them that.

I'm bloody relieved I am done with puberty and the awkward questioning myself against others twenties.

I love watching them now in that happy sunny bubble and I want to keep them there for as long as it is healthy.

Ds2 has rugby in the sun after a pancake breakfast and a birthday party this afternoon. Of course behind that is me driving him , sorting his uniform , sorting the present and the smart party outfit, organising with other mums and exdh but it's all worth it for that bubble to be intact.

I never feel like this. I just feel happy they’re happy and if I have time to myself I do something that I want to do. It sounds like you’re not making time for yourself?

You mention school fees- does she have to go private? Could you find a good state school and cut down on how much work you need to do? Sounds like your work / life balance is all out which is enough to make anyone fed up.

I kind of get it but as @eandz13 says it's more nostalgia and mild envy.

DD is 17 and her life comprises uni plans, a brilliant part-time job, gym, gigs, festivals, clothes shopping & travel plans.

Tbf she also works her arse off and is very self motivated and deserves it as we've had a really shitty few years (me directly but obviously it's impacted her too).

I won't whinge about my issues but I sometimes look at her life and think WTAF? When's it going to be my turn to have some fun?!

I don’t feel jealous exactly but the decisions I make as an adult do make me pause and consider some of my dp’s choices.

And somewhere along the way I stopped striving to better my own life and put that energy into giving my dc a great childhood. This thread is a reminder that maybe I could add in something for me too.

Is your dd contributing to the home as well as having fun? Family and home are something every member needs to contribute something to - money if you’re a working member of the household, chores, making your spaces (bedrooms/garden) pleasant, bringing cheer and kindness and generally adding to a peaceful atmosphere, and working hard on school to prepare to lift some of the financial burden in time.

My father was openly envious and resentful of his children. He'd had a difficult early life and adulthood: an angry mother who beat him, a passive father who let it happen, possibly some sexual abuse by the Catholic priest at the church where he was an altar boy, then his education disrupted by the war, being bombed out of his home and school and as soon as he was old enough, conscripted for the navy and sent to bob about in the seas around India and Japan, terrified stiff day in, day out.

He worked hard in jobs he hated to give his wife and children a better life, but his bitterness when I got a place at university, or when I went on my first holiday abroad with friends, really soured our relationship. I didn't, when I was young, understand what he'd been through. You don't, when you're young. You just wonder why dad (or mum) seems to resent you, why they can't be happy for you. My mum would have loved to go to university too, but wasn't allowed. I had a photo of everyone in my year at university. I visited other college friends homes and their parents had it on display. But not my parents.

Now I'm older I understand that sense of missing out and I feel desperately sorry for them that neither had a chance of achieving even the modest dreams that we take for granted these days. But I have to say it really affected our relationship. So if you can bite your tongue and put on a smile and not make your daughter feel guilty that she's been having a good time while you're trapped at home, please do it.

Not jealous at all, no. I’ve never worked to fund school fees though-my kids are at state school. How much of your salary does that take up? Could she go to a state school instead?

No I don’t feel jealous of my children. I actually love watching them have fun and do the things I could never do in my childhood.
Sometimes I live vicariously through my eldest who is 14 and is having the time of her life in year 9. It’s so amazing she’s having the stress-free and happy teenage years I would have loved to have had. I love hearing all her stories about friends, school and teachers and all her clubs. She’s very lucky and I want her to remain care free like this forever.
My younger two are just happy children who have friends and are worry free. I didn’t have that as a child. I’m not jealous, I’m thankful.

You need to get some help or word what you mean better. Maybe take up a hobby or something so you have something to focus on.

I'm not jealous of my children at all, but they have a far better childhood than I did. We are together (my parents fought a lot then divorced), we have better jobs than my parents therefore more money, and we have lived in a few different countries. I am absolutely delighted to have been able to offer them this kind of life and I hope they go on to fantastic adulthoods.

Are you envious for a better word??
We can all envy things...and there's no shame.

I don't have a DD but I think this is part of the teenage clashing between mothers and daughters