Is it normal to feel a bit jealous of your kids?

[ElfinsMum]

My eldest DD is now 11. I keep catching myself feeling rather jealous of her enjoyable life. For example, this morning she went to the beach with family friends and they went paddle boarding and snorkeling (we live in Aus). I stayed at home and did childcare / cleaning because DS is isolating.

Overall, her life revolves around friends, sport, entertaining her baby sister when she feels like it, and having an absolutely awesome last year at primary school. My life is 4 days per week at work doing a job that no one would love but I need to do to pay for her high school fees, an average marriage and domestic/childcare drudgery.

Maybe my mum felt exactly the same when I was 11?? Maybe DD1 will be me in 30 years?!

Anyone prepared to admit they felt like this and found a way to kick it?

I feel jealous of my dc.

My childhood wasn't abusive, at all. But I grew up in a crappy council estate and went to the local crappy comp. Often the electric meter would run out the day before it could be topped up and the Pay As You View TV too (£1 in the back to make it work anyone?). Nice clothes, holidays, school trips, clubs were out of the question. I was encouraged to try and get a Council house and my parents were baffled when I bought one instead. Their outlook was just so limited that people who got professional jobs or bought houses seemed like another species to them.

I never went to Uni even though I was extremely academic, just because I would have felt ridiculous. It was for others, not us.

DH's upbringing was very similar.

My dc on the other hand live in a beautiful house near the sea, with their own rooms and every opportunity they could want. They have hobbies and clubs and go on all the school trips. They go to the best school in the County where the expectation is Uni and not to be successful in the local warehouse's recruitment drive.

I wish I'd had my children's childhood. That doesn't mean I resent them or am not happy for them. I'm thrilled that they have so much more than DH or I did.

It sounds like you need something for yourself

It’s strange. I feel sorry for todays kids. I think they have far more pressure on them, as well as more privileges.

Many are also going to go into adulthood with far more financial pressures, which will be hard for them to live a reduced standard of living, having had a relative privileged childhood.

I'm the opposite (which I'm not sure is healthy either!) I get so much enjoyment out of my dc's pleasure, I'm not even sure if I have the ability to enjoy my own things or have my own pleasures.

My DC are in their late 20s; at their age I was what we now call just about managing - think two pairs of shoes. They have nice homes, cars, travel frequently holidays abroad, good jobs with clear progression routes should they want it, real agency to make their own choices.

I’m not jealous or envious, possibly because my standard of living is better now - not close to theirs - but fed up with hearing how the boomers had it easy.

I am not jealous of my children at all, every time they do something fun and exciting I feel proud that I helped them achieve that and become the person they are today.

I had a mother who openly said that she was jealous of me though, to the point where she knew her husband was abusing me and she called it an affair (she admitted she knew if this when I was 11), until I finally went nc she tried everything she could to destroy my life, including siding with my abusive ex, calling SS regularly to try and get my dc taken from me, sending anonymous emails to my work, telling every man I ever talked to that I was just trying to shag him and trap him with a baby (including taxi drivers, shop assistants etc) on and on it went.

I don't think its jealousy you're feeling op, it's nostalgia, this is something I get, when I'm excited that it's a nice day because I can stick 3 loads of washing out and my older dc are excited it's a nice day because they are going for a bbq at the beach and then to a beer garden, I do feel nostalgic for my youth.

I've recently taken up a hobby that I really enjoyed as a youngster, I have actually dedicated an area of the garden to this, and it's just mine, and it's made me feel great and I have projects to get excited about again.

Make a space or time in your life that's just for you, and is purely about fun.

My mother was jealous of me when I was growing up: achievements and looks (I didn't care, but she would mention it all the time); she loaded me up with chores and had to give up work when I left home at 15 because I had been providing my little brother's childcare. I do not even speak to her any more and have moved countries. Be careful, OP.

I'm not jealous of my DC- they have a good life, but not the charmed life some others talk about here - I try my best, but I'm a stressed out lone parent, and they have to share a bedroom- but I do feel a bit jealous of my niece. I don't know if jealous is the right word, but definitely wistful. She has been diagnosed autistic- so have I, but in my forties, meaning I had to struggle throughout my teens and early adulthood. I was an absolutely pony mad child- obsessed with them, but all I could do was stare longingly at ponies in fields. She has her own pony. But it's not really jealousy, I think. There's a lot of worry and concern in there for her, too- they might be materially wealthy, but it looks as if my brother has turned into a carbon copy of my dad, and I fear they will repeat the same toxic father daughter relationship that we had ☹

Absolutely not. I’m thrilled they have a lovely childhood / support through their teen years.

I grew up with the ‘you kids don’t know you’re born’ refrain. It was toxic and destructive.

But I don't understand why you had (at least) 3 children when you knew that you would have to work to provide for them?

Surely you realised that you would have to look after the children and clean, cook etc for them and then work to pay their school fees?

Looking after children and working was never going to be easy.

I didn't have children because I didn't want to work any longer than I had to.

Not in the least. I'm only happy and proud for her.

Hmm, thanks for all these replies everyone. It has certainly forced me to acknowledge that I need to find time to do something fun. Probably DH and I need to do something fun together tbh.

A few answers to give more context, sorry I can't remember who raised each point:

Yes, I am v happy that my DD is happy. She had a v difficult year last year and of course it was miserable for all of us.

Yes, we have worked hard to make a great life for our kids. In fact, we emigrated for this reason and it has worked: they are the happy, healthy, sporty, outdoor kids you would imagine living in Australia! (It has made life much harder for us as parents as we have no family here. Unfortunately, due to Covid I haven't seen any of my family in 2.5 years. They have never met my toddler.)

Like several posters, my childhood wasn't all that happy. I had (have) a difficult relationship with my mum and was raised quite a bit by my gran. It was financially and socially v privileged - v much more so than my own kids, and we do fine - but not happy.

Probably the word "jealous" was a poor choice, apologies to those who read it as much darker than I intended. But I can't say that "nostalgic" is quite accurate either. Can you be nostalgic for the idea of a childhood you didn't really have...?

@ElfinsMum

Hmm, thanks for all these replies everyone. It has certainly forced me to acknowledge that I need to find time to do something fun. Probably DH and I need to do something fun together tbh.

A few answers to give more context, sorry I can't remember who raised each point:

Yes, I am v happy that my DD is happy. She had a v difficult year last year and of course it was miserable for all of us.

Yes, we have worked hard to make a great life for our kids. In fact, we emigrated for this reason and it has worked: they are the happy, healthy, sporty, outdoor kids you would imagine living in Australia! (It has made life much harder for us as parents as we have no family here. Unfortunately, due to Covid I haven't seen any of my family in 2.5 years. They have never met my toddler.)

Like several posters, my childhood wasn't all that happy. I had (have) a difficult relationship with my mum and was raised quite a bit by my gran. It was financially and socially v privileged - v much more so than my own kids, and we do fine - but not happy.

Probably the word "jealous" was a poor choice, apologies to those who read it as much darker than I intended. But I can't say that "nostalgic" is quite accurate either. Can you be nostalgic for the idea of a childhood you didn't really have...?

Longing maybe? That sometimes applies to envy.

Honestly, no. I grew up in poverty and I am delighted that my children don't have to. That's what I've worked so hard for. My greatest joy is seeing them happy.
Maybe it helps that I'm also happy in my career and my marriage. Can you look at ways to make your own life happier perhaps?

Are you sure it’s jealousy you feel. It’s odd to be jealous of young children but I can entertain the idea of parents being jealous of their adult children’s lives as I know of a few who are. The thought of being a kid again fills me with dread so I don’t feel jealous of my kid as it is hard being a child and navigating the social aspect of it. My son has a better social life than me but I am glad as I don’t want him feeling alone when he gets to adulthood.

No I don't feel jealous. I believe in the saying 'you're only ever as happy as your least happy child'

My mum died when I was a child...I'm not jealous of my dc but I do think they're far luckier than me to be taken care of by me, their mum as I was left feeling quite alone and had to be fairly independent.

I find the whole moving to Oz to have happy healthy sporty outdoor kids quite odd. You can have all that in the UK.

That 'wanted down under' program make me laugh when they go to a bog standard park, and smile at each other and say 'imagine how lovely life will be.'

As all the stuff is available in the UK I assume people who are doing it, are the kind who are unable to be content with their own lives, continually searching a dream. So, if I were you op, I'd do some soul searching as you why you can't be content in the present.

@arethereanyleftatall

I find the whole moving to Oz to have happy healthy sporty outdoor kids quite odd. You can have all that in the UK.

That 'wanted down under' program make me laugh when they go to a bog standard park, and smile at each other and say 'imagine how lovely life will be.'

As all the stuff is available in the UK I assume people who are doing it, are the kind who are unable to be content with their own lives, continually searching a dream. So, if I were you op, I'd do some soul searching as you why you can't be content in the present.

Not everyone is as weatherproof as you obviously are...

@Goatinthegarden My mother is the same as your father. All of my childhood I heard "I didn't get to insert whatever example that" ... she never even attempted to hide her envy/jealousy. My mother also did her best to stop us from having any experiences that she didn't have as a child...so we were actively discouraged to have friends, hobbies etc. Not allowed to have sleepovers, no after school activities. Weekends were spent sat around the house, the only thing we were allowed (forced) to do was go to Mass every Sunday.

As we got older she got worse...particularly when I started dating. She'd do things like demand I'd go food shopping with her when she knew my boyfriend was due to come around to pick me up. Never asked my two brothers. Even after I turned 18, I wasn't allowed to go on holiday with him, or my friends, wasn't allowed to be out all night. Never given a house key.

I got married at 21 just to get away from her. Myself and my brothers are all in our 50s now, none of us have had children ourselves.

No I never feel envious of DS, I want him to have his best life because I didn't.
I had a horrible life with abusive emotionally detached parents and lived in constant fear.
They still need to learn how to be a decent unselfish human being though and that's quite hard work, life isn't all about fun when they need to learn how to consider other peoples feelings and needs.

I sort of know what you mean. I get so much joy out of my kids and obviously love them being happy but I do sometimes get a kind of wistful nostalgia for my own happy childhood and feel a sort of ‘envy’ I suppose that they have all this ahead of them whilst I speed towards middle age 😆

when they’re young adults again I imagine I will feel a little nostalgic of all the fun and opportunities that await them which are far behind me. I think it’s summed up in that phrase ‘youth is wasted on the young’!

That doesn’t mean I’m not happy for them and want the absolute best for them.

In your case OP it sounds like you feel a little resentful because of the drudgery etc and as PP say you may need to focus more on doing stuff for yourself and not resigning yourself to just living for your kids.

Wow no, I couldn’t wait to be an adult and have some control over my life. I remember being about 35 and thinking my life would be so much better when I could do exactly what I want, when I want, and I was absolutely right! I was so much happier when I moved out of home.

I use to think DS was having a fun time in kindy (amazing light airy space, great food, loads of toys, tonnes of activities). I would have loved it aged 3. Not aged 40 though. And I definitely wouldn’t want to be back in primary school.

Being about 15, not 35! Having loads of autocorrect issues this morning

I'm jealous of people with happy, confident children that have a greet social life and lots of friends. I'm at the stage where I think I was wrong to bring a child into the world. I'm a single mum life is hard and I can't give my dd what I would like. They couple with her ASD makes for unhappy times for both of us.

Like a lot of people here I had a shit childhood. I do sometimes lament those lost days but I direct my disappointment at my crap parents and I have long since given up the hope that the past could have been any different.

I remember being about 12 after a particularly nasty episode at home and making a promise to myself that when I had kids that I would never ever make them feel like this.

That is what I did, I did my level best giving them the best life I could. I don't mean just materialistically but to try give them a sense of safety, of contentment and most of all a carefree feeling. Nothing in the world gives me more pleasure than seeing my kids happy. Watching them go places, do things and not have the burden I had around my neck when I was their age. I cannot tell you how much peace I get from that. The greatest gift you can give your children is a childhood that they don't have to recover from. By that I mean what you can control as a parent in what you say and how you act and what you do. I don't always get it right. I have made mistakes, we all have but I do my best.
Do my kids know how lucky they are?? Nope! Probably not but that is the whole point, they don't know any difference, they have nothing to compare it too whilst I do.
I cannot imagine feeling jealous, envious, resentful or any of those feelings in the least. On the contrary, I am grateful they are enjoying life, experiencing things I never did and simply being happy. That's just gold to me.