Husband said smashing kids favourite toy in front if them is the best way to make them listen

[sandracb4321]

All right, let debate.

When your kids don't listen to you despite you talked to them repeatedly, would you smash his favourite toys in front of him as a deterrent to scare him off; or you would continue reason with him?

I definitely support the latter but my husband thinks we need some "strong measures" to make him listen (btw my kid is just 4).

I am constantly in disagreement with his attitude towards parenting. Whatever he thinks my kid did anything wrong he just gets mad and angry and yell at him. He thinks our little one has some psychological issue because he smiles and laugh when he is being told off and feel nervous. I tell my husband it is because our son is constantly intimidated by his father and lives in a stressful environment. Of course my husband does not agree. Every time I argue with his way of parenting he just tells my off and belittle me and says I don't know how to teach our boy because I have no achievement in life (!)

Today my husband is angry with my boy again. So he pulled of the reward charts which my son is really proud of from the wall as a way to told him off. How can my son be normal if he is subject to such harassment and intimidation?

The thing is leaving this man won't necessarily protect the child. He will get access and he will continue to do this shit only without the supervision of the op. It's heartbreaking. My ex did something like this to my ds when he was younger. He tried to pretend he was 'disciplining' him but really he just lost his temper and smashed something up. It had a profound effect on my ds and he didn't want to go to his dads for a good while afterwards.

Obviously given the update of this man assaulting op too, she absolutely should LTB but it's very scary thinking that this sort of man will get access to his dc without op present. The bar for good parenting seems to be dismally low these days and I'm not sure a judge would view smashing up a toy as a good reason to prevent contact...even though most reasonable people know that it's horrible behaviour.

A child laughing when being “disciplined” tends to be a child in fear and doesn’t know how to react. I’m not making that up, do some research it’s awful that a child should have to react this way.

Please get yourself and your DS away from this man. My DS is 23 and is in therapy due to PTSD/ childhood trauma. He was 4 when we separated. Your DH is abusing your son.

My exh didn't get access. Judge said he had seen to much of dh's bad temper...

That is abuse. Your husband is abusing your son. Don’t stand back and watch it happen.

Red flags all over the place here, and not just about his parenting. It sounds as if you too are being subjected to controlling and abusive behaviour.

If you imagine the next ten years with this man, how does that make you feel? Is this what you want for you and your son? Do you feel you have other choices?

@TerryChoc

A child laughing when being “disciplined” tends to be a child in fear and doesn’t know how to react. I’m not making that up, do some research it’s awful that a child should have to react this way.

Yes, I know this is a kind of emotional / psychological issue. My husband is aware of this as well because he had a co-worker who used to have the same problem. However, my husband thinks telling off my son while he has nervous laughter is the way to stop it (utterly ignorant). And he thinks it is unfortunate for him to have a son with this problem . What he doesn't know is he is probably the cause of our son's problem.

Thank you very much for all your messages. I apologise as I am unable to reply everyone. But I have read all the messages. I am overwhelmed by all the supports and care received.

Unfortunately I did not contact the police this time. But I will start putting my plan in place to leave him, as I can see very clearly that he is damaging my son in every aspect. He is in constant fear that if he has done something wrong daddy might gets very angry. He literally burst into tears all the time and shows impatience more significantly when he is alone with daddy.

It is quite a scary thing to do actually. I don't want to completely turn my son's life upside down. I don't want to uproot all the things, for example his schools, his friends etc. I don't think pack and go is the way to go as my husband will probably go to my son's school to look him/me up. I believe in the end my husband is likely to get some degree of access after divorce. But it is unlikely that I will get any maintenance as he is broke.

So I need to figure out where to live and get steady income first. That, to me, is the most difficult thing.

'He is probably the cause'. No OP, he IS the cause. I hope you get the help you need OP I really do, but it is very worrying how you come across as almost in denial that your husband is as bad as he is. If you stay in the situation, that's your choice. But your little boy doesnt that choice. You are the only one who can get him out of that situation and every day you choose to stay, is another day you fail your son and make him endure even longer in a home that's clearly breaking him. Its honestly heartbreaking.

You need to contact the police. You need to get evidence of his actions

Speak to school or nursery if not the police. This comes under safeguarding and will protect your son against line visits when you split.
When you're in the relationship leaving feels scary. I've been there. I can tell you leaving is terrifying. But when you're away there's just overwhelming relief however difficult it is.
I was living in a small room with five children for a while after leaving my ex. That was a blessing compared to living with him.
I feel genuinely scared for your child after reading what you're put. I can't imagine how you feel as the parent.
There's so much help available though, please just ask

Please, please find a way to leave this monstrous man. Your life will be immeasurably better for it.

your husband is a wanker

Please speak to Women's Aid, and keep posting because some people will be very helpful.

@Sodiit

Speak to school or nursery if not the police. This comes under safeguarding and will protect your son against line visits when you split. When you're in the relationship leaving feels scary. I've been there. I can tell you leaving is terrifying. But when you're away there's just overwhelming relief however difficult it is. I was living in a small room with five children for a while after leaving my ex. That was a blessing compared to living with him. I feel genuinely scared for your child after reading what you're put. I can't imagine how you feel as the parent. There's so much help available though, please just ask

You are a really strong women. Hope you and your children are all well now. Thank you for tour support ❤️

It is not too late to call the police.

Please, please call them.

Do not stay and normalise this. Someone, somewhere is going to flag your child, and ready or not, you will find social services knocking at your door and presenting you with stark choices.

You are going to have to choose your P or your child.

Every day you are still under the same roof afraid of the unfamiliar you are choosing your P over your child. I know it's hard. I am divorced from a man who told me straight up that he would prefer his children to fear him than love him.

There is no good time to take the step that needs to be taken here.

Please call the police, or go to the station to report what he did when you are able to get there (do this soon). Let them charge him, and let the chips fall where they may. You can get a non-molestation order.

Do you own or rent your home? Private or council rental?

That poor little baby, smiling and laughing to try and placate his horrible father. & the reward charts thing - the world tears us down enough as adults, how is it okay for him to begin life with the things that are most important to him personally being targeted and destroyed by one of the people who is supposed to love him most? At 4 he needs bolstering up and filling with confidence and gentle discipline where necessary, not this.

It sounds like you know what you are doing though Op, except for being with this man. So don't let him carry on inflicting whatever it is that makes him miserable and aggressive on your small and vulnerable child.

Just adding my voice, he's a bully and an abuser.

My mother had my piano taken out into the garden when I was about 6-7 years old, smashed up & set on fire because she decided I didn't practice enough.
This was 'apparently' a lesson to make me understand that I should appreciate the things I had because 'not everyone' has them.

I loved my piano.

It destroyed our relationship although she barely even remembers it but I never ever trusted or felt any kind of familial connection to her ever again.
I don't feel related to her.

I'm polite because that is what you are expected to be towards parents & I loved my dad unreservedly (he loved me back), but I've never felt like she was my parent since that day.
She is just someone I know.

It didn't make me listen & it taught me that you can't rely on anything other than yourself.
It taught me anyone else, no matter how much you should be able to trust them can let you down.
It taught me that if people know you care about something they can use that vulnerability to hurt you.

Don't put your kids through that kind of damage.

Your little one probably does have psychological issues - caused by his bully of a father. This is the sort of treatment you read about in the news after something unthinkable has happened to a dc and more of the home life and treatment comes to life. Poor mite only 4 years old. Please do more to protect him.

They are toys to your husband. To your son they are attachment objects, safety, a huge part of his tiny world, his friends.

Get your child away from this man.

Oh goodness OP, just read your updates. I wish you well.

You don't need to solve your income problem first. You can't solve your income problem first. You build a new life with help from qualified people who will put your son and you first, and with clarity how your husband has acted. That will protect your child in the longer term.

Please ring womans aid and talk to someone. Even if you arent reporting right now it will be the start of the conversation.

The police will take this very seriously if you call them. It's not too late.

Do it for your little boy.

Talk to your GP, or to social services. They can help you.