Husband said smashing kids favourite toy in front if them is the best way to make them listen

[sandracb4321]

All right, let debate.

When your kids don't listen to you despite you talked to them repeatedly, would you smash his favourite toys in front of him as a deterrent to scare him off; or you would continue reason with him?

I definitely support the latter but my husband thinks we need some "strong measures" to make him listen (btw my kid is just 4).

I am constantly in disagreement with his attitude towards parenting. Whatever he thinks my kid did anything wrong he just gets mad and angry and yell at him. He thinks our little one has some psychological issue because he smiles and laugh when he is being told off and feel nervous. I tell my husband it is because our son is constantly intimidated by his father and lives in a stressful environment. Of course my husband does not agree. Every time I argue with his way of parenting he just tells my off and belittle me and says I don't know how to teach our boy because I have no achievement in life (!)

Today my husband is angry with my boy again. So he pulled of the reward charts which my son is really proud of from the wall as a way to told him off. How can my son be normal if he is subject to such harassment and intimidation?

My dad did this kind of thing to me and I'm now in therapy for the damage it left me with.

I’m just going to repeat previous posts - you need to leave that dreadful man and protect your son. Why are you still there?

Obviously this is not right.

Sanctions (such as no TV or losing a toy for a couple of hours, yes) but mindless destruction of a treasured toy is wanton cruelty.

No, that's how to teach them to expect poor treatment and disrespect from people who are supposed to love them - setting them up for abusive relationships in future

@sandracb4321

All right, let debate.

When your kids don't listen to you despite you talked to them repeatedly, would you smash his favourite toys in front of him as a deterrent to scare him off; or you would continue reason with him?

I definitely support the latter but my husband thinks we need some "strong measures" to make him listen (btw my kid is just 4).

I am constantly in disagreement with his attitude towards parenting. Whatever he thinks my kid did anything wrong he just gets mad and angry and yell at him. He thinks our little one has some psychological issue because he smiles and laugh when he is being told off and feel nervous. I tell my husband it is because our son is constantly intimidated by his father and lives in a stressful environment. Of course my husband does not agree. Every time I argue with his way of parenting he just tells my off and belittle me and says I don't know how to teach our boy because I have no achievement in life (!)

Today my husband is angry with my boy again. So he pulled of the reward charts which my son is really proud of from the wall as a way to told him off. How can my son be normal if he is subject to such harassment and intimidation?

Perhaps break some of his things when he doesn't listen to you and see how he feels about it afterwards.

He sounds like my father. I grew up so frightened of him. Please get rid of this bully.

Your husband sounds vile, there is no debate.
Your poor son is learning its ok to bully and belittle others. Protect your child and get rid of the husband.

The fact that you think this is a parenting style ‘debate’ is terrifying; shows a lack of safeguarding for your kid and normalising child abuse. If you won’t leave the abuser, your child should go and live somewhere safe.

Your husband is an aggressive bully to both you and your DS. LTB!

In normally a lurker but this has moved me to comment.

My dad did this to me once as a child. It was a Barbie horse I had gotten as a present for being a flower girl at a wedding. He took it and smashed it with a hammer in front of me because I didn't listen to him telling me to go and get a bath. I was so upset and I cried so much I was hysterical and couldn't breathe. I was only small, but I remember it vividly and it's definitely a core memory and made for an environment of fear. It was approx 30years ago and it still brings tears to my eyes.

Now that I'm older and in therapy, I now realise what I previously thought was a happy childhood was actually abusive/neglectful. As PP suggested, that incident was just one instance of a wider issue of him being a bully/abusive.

Your poor children, if you don't act they'll end up like me - lifelong mental health problems, relationship problems and frankly hating their dad. Awful.

Your husband is horrible to you as well, what makes you want to stay with him?

The only way I can even imagine having this conversation is if my child was deliberately smashing things up, like windows and the TV, or a siblings toys. Even then I don't think a decent adult would ever go that far.

Your husband wants your child to do things because he's scared of his dad, not bothering to explain why he shouldn't do things. Your husband has a nasty, short sighted bully approach to, making him tidy his room, for example. You have a longer term approach that your child should want to be considerate and understand you are telling him to do things for a reason. Clearly, you need to get away from the husband.

I had that all the time with one of my parents, that would smash up all my toys when I was small. It wasn't a big deal to me then and isn't now (because they went on to do so much worse, it is the start of a pattern) but I don't see or speak to them any more. Which they've told me makes their life infinitely better, not to have me in it, and I feel the same too. Is this the life and relationship your partner wants for your child? It might be. Be aware of that.

It’s abusive.

Is it not what little Arthur’s father and step mum did to his favourite belongings? Think about that.

As a man myself, I can scarcely believe that you will endure him being in the house. What a horrible piece of dirt he is. He needs to be gone for your son's benefit - and yours.

No I wouldn't abuse my child as punishment. Your poor boy!

@Thursday37

Debate?!! You don’t debate abuse. You are as bad as him if you are tolerating this treatment of your child. Shame on you. Remove your child from this awful man or you are just as guilty. Debate my arse. I’ve heard it all now.

Agreed.

Your husband is abusive.

Deliberate cruelty towards a young child isn't discipline. It's deliberate abuse.

He has to stop this behaviour and if he can't you should seriously consider leaving him.

Oh no this is awful. I can only think it's how he was brought up himself if he thinks it's ok.

I remember being absolutely stunned and horrified by my aunt telling me she had to rescue her favourite doll from a bonfire, as my granny had decided she was too old for it.

That's bullying at best.
Nasty man.

Your poor son!
Is he your husbands child? The way you talk about him you only refer to my son, not our son etc

My daughter used to smile when being told off… us, teachers etc it was a nervous reaction. Your husband is a dick

If someone thinks this is ok parenting amd actually berates you for not being the same, then nothing you do or say is going to make him understand. Hes warped and your poor little boy is going to grow up with issues if you dont protect him

I really, really hope this isn't for real.

Your partner is abusive. Simple as that. You need to leave as it’s very unlikely he’ll change and you can see how damaging it is to your child (and probably to you too).