Husband said smashing kids favourite toy in front if them is the best way to make them listen

[sandracb4321]

All right, let debate.

When your kids don't listen to you despite you talked to them repeatedly, would you smash his favourite toys in front of him as a deterrent to scare him off; or you would continue reason with him?

I definitely support the latter but my husband thinks we need some "strong measures" to make him listen (btw my kid is just 4).

I am constantly in disagreement with his attitude towards parenting. Whatever he thinks my kid did anything wrong he just gets mad and angry and yell at him. He thinks our little one has some psychological issue because he smiles and laugh when he is being told off and feel nervous. I tell my husband it is because our son is constantly intimidated by his father and lives in a stressful environment. Of course my husband does not agree. Every time I argue with his way of parenting he just tells my off and belittle me and says I don't know how to teach our boy because I have no achievement in life (!)

Today my husband is angry with my boy again. So he pulled of the reward charts which my son is really proud of from the wall as a way to told him off. How can my son be normal if he is subject to such harassment and intimidation?

No. I don't think that teaching children to break other people's stuff if they don't do what you want is a good way to do anything.

It's abusive.

You need to get you and your child away from him, in such a way that he doesn't punish you by hurting your child when the child is in his 'care'

Your husband is abusive and you are allowing it.

For fecks sake no. My dad stamped on an Easter egg when I was a kid. I still think what a fucking twat.

Your husband is a fucking bully, abusing a 4 year old is unforgivable and inexcusable.
Reading this made me feel sick, my mother was the same. Her behaviour ensured that I was a thoroughly screwed up kid, teenager and young adult. Your son’s heading the same way thanks to this disgusting man.

You'll both be better off away from this man. Sounds like he has no respect for either of you.

My mother used to use similar tactics and I was the child that grinned awkwardly when being told off, when in fact I was absolutely terrified. It has caused a lifetime of damage for me, affecting every aspect of my life.

I am now no contact with my mother.

As long a you are with this man you are enabling him, and you may find that this is enough for your child to cut YOU out of their life when they are an adult.

You need to step up now and keep your child safe.

Yout husband is abusing your son. You can see the signs of this in your son's behaviour. This will only get worse. You need to leave to protect your son. There's absolutely nothing to debate.

Refuge or
Women's Aid if you need help.

Everyone is right here. He is very abusive, first to me and then to my son. As I am writing this, my face has just been smashed by him (now he's gone) as I asked him not to abuse our son anymore. He immediately smashed my face and said "Abuse? I"ll show you what is abuse".

Honestly, I need help. I don't know what to do.

We are in serious debt. But he is staying at home watching youtube all day long. I told him to get out to make some money. He said he had made enough (actually not making, borrowing) and I should go out to make money. I am writing my own blog and have built my own website to market a business. I have received positive feedbacks and started attracting audiences. But he thinks it's a waste of time. All he does is discouragement. He has never encouraged me or appreciate me on anything. Seriously, I don't know what I am doing.

Some of you said you are terrified because I said "debate" Honestly, I might have already lost my sanity after prolonged abuse and harassment by him.

I am so sorry the physical violence had started.

You need to focus now and plan.

Start photographing every key document in the house with your phone (saved to cloud storage), and gather originals into a safe place (preferably at someone else's property).

Tell someone in real life that he had hit you, so they know he poses a threat.

Report this assault to the police, as you may need this evidence later in custody proceedings

LEAVE.

You need to dial 999 now and report him hurting your face to the police.

Yeah get the police involved now OP.
It's the best way to protect you and your son.

They need to be there before he comes back.

Phone the police and report him for assault. That'll help in future if you're arranging contact.
I linked above for Refuge and Women's Aid.
Prioritise leaving - get out as soon as you can.

You MUST call the police, right now.

@HellToTheNope

You MUST call the police, right now.

There is no significance bruises. Would they take it seriously?

You need to leave. Don't bother trying to make him leave, or rights or wrongs of ownership/tenancy, that can come later. You need to be safe. Go and get your son from school, go to your mums, or a trusted friend, or even a cafe where you are in public and safe, and contact the police.

Yes it's frightening and hard to face that this where you are, but you need to do this. You must do this.

Yes they will take it seriously... please call them now

Yes they would take it seriously, and whilst that might not be in the form of a successful prosecution, it means that the events is officially logged with a crime number, and this paper trail may turn out to be very important to you in the future

Please call the police. And while you're waiting, gather all your important documents and put them in your bag.

My DB was a nasty bully to me when I was a child.

He went on to have a long-term partner and two children. I was always concerned about what would happen when his children could speak for themselves.

Now, I know the answer. Police and SW have been involved, there has been violence, his partner has left him and neither of his children (both school-age) ever want to see him again.

As I feared.

Not normal. That’s abuse.

I sometimes might temporarily remove a toy for bad behaviour, but I would never smash it or destroy it, I would only take it for a short period.

The abuse in the recent Arthur Labinjo Hughes case included taking toys away and destroying some of his possessions, I think football shirts if I recall correctly . The court seemed to consider that abuse, if I recall correctly

The police will take it seriously

Please, please protect your son. He is so little, so innocent. He doesn't deserve to be threatened and frightened and intimidated in his own home. He deserves peace and safety. You've already identified a clear panic response from him when he's being told off, which further aggravates his father - this is going to escalate into physical violence towards your small child. Please look at his little face and choose safety for him because he can't create it for himself! He's completely powerless and the only person who can stand up for him is you!

Please, please stop letting this happen to him!!

Yes, the police will believe you.

Yes they would take it seriously, call them now

This type of parenting is a good way of giving your child toxic stress, complex trauma and making sure they have a life of mental illness.
Its the kind of thing my parents would have done and I have all of the above.
You'd be better off sending your husband to parenting classes or better still getting rid of him.

Please can you let us know your area and someone might be able to help with details of women's refuges.