Would you host single male refugee with your own 1 y/o?

[theroux21]

I understand opinions are going to be seriously divided, but I am interested in other parents views.

We have been put in contact with a 38 year old lone male Ukrainian refugee to host in spare bedroom. Myself and partner have a 14 month old son. We would be sharing facilities (bathroom, kitchen, living area). Our 14 month old will sleep in with us so won’t be left unattended at night time. My partner will be at work 7:30am-5pm weekdays, and myself and 14 month old will be home with said man. He is however eager to find work on the farms local to us.

At first I was weary with it being a lone male. We have been messaging back and forth and he is definitely who he says he is (social media accounts, photos sent by him, personal info verified). He has worked in UK as a seasonal farm picker previously. He was working in Czech Republic at time of invasion, his family home was bombed and unable to return home, his work contract ended in Czech R and is now at a German refugee camp (received photos to confirm this). I have found no reason to doubt who he says he is.

Previously, my partner was happy to host a refugee hence the contact being established, but is now totally against hosting a single male refugee, especially whilst myself & child are at home alone. I completely and utterly understand why, however I feel it would now be unfair to turn him away after establishing a rapport.

Both of us (refugee and host) have to be DBS checked, I said that if there is anything flagged on his DBS, I will absolutely stop the application straightaway. However, my partner thinks if he is a bit unsavoury, some of it might not be detected in his DBS. Our council also have to complete checks in our home, so i’d imagine if they felt it would be unsafe to host a lone male refugee they wouldn’t allow the application to go ahead. I would obviously be at our sons side at all times when home.

I feel it’s unfair for most lone male refugees not be given the same chances as others in same position, just in case a few might have bad intentions.

Please be as honest as you need to be :)

No. But to be honest I wouldn’t be hosting anyone no matter how big my house was. I think it’s absolutely insane. I think those who have signed up for this (this is certainly true of the ones I know in real life) are kind and generous and well meaning but so, so naive.

No. The safety of my child comes first. My first responsibility is to him.

No. I wouldn’t host a random British man or any other refugee man in my home either. It’s just not worth the risk of having a strange man come to live in your home with your baby.

Obviously I’m not saying he’s some kind of monster. He’s likely a nice man. But who knows? I wouldn’t invite any strange man into my home to live and be alone with just me and my baby all day.

@NoraNancy

Yes I would. I know violent crimes etc are predominantly committed by men, but think it is awful how we are basically tarring every man with the same brush. They cannot all be viewed as abusers etc when a very very tinu minority actually are

And what if one of the tiny tiny minority is the one you have living in your home? A small risk is too big a risk for me.

Are any of these people saying it’s not all men, how can we leave them to rot in camps etc opening their own homes up to strange men to live with them and their kids for however long?

No I wouldn't, sorry OP.

@Livelovebehappy

You wouldn't invite a stranger to live with you normally, so why should this be any different? The reality is that you don’t know this man, and I totally get why your DH would be uneasy about leaving you and your dc alone with him. Bizarre how any rational person would think differently tbh.

Any rational person knows this isn’t ‘normally’. Does it seem like normal life for Ukrainians, or a million years from that? And it’s affecting all of us.

I can't actually believe anyone would take in s refugee. Maybe I'm naive but it seems such a ridiculous concept to me. I Can't imagine any circumstances where I'd be comfortable with this. How long are you expected to house this man? Are you paying for everything he needs? What about transport? What about help with language, social issues, etc. It's absolute madness.

No.

With a toddler you shouldn't be taking in anyone who isn't a parent with a child a similar age simply as while it may be fine for your child it won't be for the adult.

This isn't a short term thing. It is going to go on for months if not years.

As you don't have room for a parent/couple and a child you should withdraw your name from the list.

It's sad but also no and my partner would not even entertain the idea. I'm sure he's fine but you just never know, hopefully a farm can take him on

Not a chance in hell

@Dunelmer

Ukrainian law says that with very few exceptions, men 18-60 cannot leave the country. The exceptions are quite specific (disabled child, pregnant wife, medical grounds).

It is a red flag that a single man is looking for accommodation without very specific circumstances.

I've seen examples of men claiming to be Ukrainian testing the system - including men from the middle East who are already in Europe from prior refugee waves (which were dominated by men - Syria etc).

The vast majority of Ukrainian refugees are women with children.

This. 100%. I don’t understand why he couldn’t find more work in the Czech Republic, why travel to a German refugee camp instead? I decided to support refugees in other ways rather than offering a room, to me it’s a risk I wouldn’t be prepared to take even if I had room. Surely if he’s seeking farm work here then that would come with accommodation if fruit picking or whatever?

Personally I wouldn’t. A DBS check means absolutely nothing because it just shows that they have not been convicted of any offences, not that they have not committed any offences.

It is a shame because I’m sure he is absolutely fine but as a lone woman with a young child it’s not prudent to make those sorts of assumptions.

No. It is not a good fit for your family. There will be plenty of people who have offered spaces who will be better suited to hosting a young single male.

Ukrainian law says that with very few exceptions, men 18-60 cannot leave the country.

This man sounds like he was already out of Ukraine and clearly fancied the refugee camp over returning to fight - fair enough however sounds like it's a fit man used to travelling and doing farm work and can do so again, unlike some of the displaced women and children. I agree it's a bit of a red flag

It is a red flag that a single man is looking for accommodation without very specific circumstances.

The original story is plausible because there are lots of Ukrainian men working in the agricultural industry throughout Europe. There are many local farms who hire male Ukrainian harvesters and when the war broke out they helped those men bring their wives and children to safety. If you're already out of the country, it would be madness to go back and face possible death, honour and patriotism be damned. I certainly wouldn't want my son doing that.

The only slight red flag here is why this person is already (safe) in the Czech Republic but wants to go to the UK as a refugee. Even if work has dried up and understandably the living conditions are not ideal there, there are masses of refugee programs in neighbouring Germany and Austria. Ukrainians are openly welcomed in every community, with masses of resources and housing being set up. The high-tax German countries also offer free healthcare, housing and loads more benefits than the UK.

I feel guilty saying it but definitely not. My child’s safety has to be my absolute priority

The only slight red flag here is why this person is already (safe) in the Czech Republic but wants to go to the UK as a refugee. Even if work has dried up and understandably the living conditions are not ideal there, there are masses of refugee programs in neighbouring Germany and Austria. Ukrainians are openly welcomed in every community, with masses of resources and housing being set up. The high-tax German countries also offer free healthcare, housing and loads more benefits than the UK.

No sorry I wouldn't want a single man in the house with me & a toddler home & husband at work.

Also it's your husbands house & so surely he gets a say?

You can support him in other ways if you feel guilty. But he needs to get a room in shared house with some other men - not a young family.

How has he left the country? I thought all men were banned from leaving?

In those circumstances you have described, sadly it would be a no from me, although that does make me feel very sad.

@HellToTheNope

We have been messaging back and forth and he is definitely who he says he is (social media accounts, photos sent by him, personal info verified).

You sound really naive. You don't know this man at all, regardless of what you've seen on social media.

@HellToTheNope - definitely - I'm not saying he's a scammer but he could easily be from another country, pretending that he's Ukrainian in the hope someone will take him in.

Why isn't he trying to find someone to take him in in Germany?

@HalloHello

I can't actually believe anyone would take in s refugee. Maybe I'm naive but it seems such a ridiculous concept to me. I Can't imagine any circumstances where I'd be comfortable with this. How long are you expected to house this man? Are you paying for everything he needs? What about transport? What about help with language, social issues, etc. It's absolute madness.

You'd probably find the concept of taking in a child evacuee ridiculous as well, I mean, who wants to raise a random child they've never met before?

I won't suggest to you the notion of housing a German Prisoner of war after WW2.

On this case OP I wouldn't house this man. I feel bad saying that as someone with two sons, but my thinking would be that he's not as vulnerable as a female with a child.

I wouldn't host any refugee with young children in my house.
If I had an empty guest house or 2nd home I'd consider it.

No.
My father was a teenage refugee along with my grandmother. So believe me when I say, the plight of all refugees feels very personal to me.
But a 38-year-old man... why is he not home fighting? Offer your space to women and children.
I wouldn't allow any single male in my home.