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Original poster

Would you host single male refugee with your own 1 y/o?

153 replies

theroux21 · 23/03/2022 20:18

I understand opinions are going to be seriously divided, but I am interested in other parents views.

We have been put in contact with a 38 year old lone male Ukrainian refugee to host in spare bedroom. Myself and partner have a 14 month old son. We would be sharing facilities (bathroom, kitchen, living area). Our 14 month old will sleep in with us so won’t be left unattended at night time. My partner will be at work 7:30am-5pm weekdays, and myself and 14 month old will be home with said man. He is however eager to find work on the farms local to us.

At first I was weary with it being a lone male. We have been messaging back and forth and he is definitely who he says he is (social media accounts, photos sent by him, personal info verified). He has worked in UK as a seasonal farm picker previously. He was working in Czech Republic at time of invasion, his family home was bombed and unable to return home, his work contract ended in Czech R and is now at a German refugee camp (received photos to confirm this). I have found no reason to doubt who he says he is.

Previously, my partner was happy to host a refugee hence the contact being established, but is now totally against hosting a single male refugee, especially whilst myself & child are at home alone. I completely and utterly understand why, however I feel it would now be unfair to turn him away after establishing a rapport.

Both of us (refugee and host) have to be DBS checked, I said that if there is anything flagged on his DBS, I will absolutely stop the application straightaway. However, my partner thinks if he is a bit unsavoury, some of it might not be detected in his DBS. Our council also have to complete checks in our home, so i’d imagine if they felt it would be unsafe to host a lone male refugee they wouldn’t allow the application to go ahead. I would obviously be at our sons side at all times when home.

I feel it’s unfair for most lone male refugees not be given the same chances as others in same position, just in case a few might have bad intentions.

Please be as honest as you need to be :)

OP posts:
LondonQueen · 23/03/2022 20:36

I would, however I would lock my bedroom door at night (and DC's)

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/03/2022 20:37

@LondonQueen

I would, however I would lock my bedroom door at night (and DC's)
What a way to live in your home- DC have to lock their doors because of someone you’ve invited in, wtf
Papayamya · 23/03/2022 20:37

@LondonQueen

I would, however I would lock my bedroom door at night (and DC's)
Is that not a miserable way to live?
Bancha · 23/03/2022 20:39

@LondonQueen

I would, however I would lock my bedroom door at night (and DC's)
Very unsafe if there was a fire!
De88 · 23/03/2022 20:39

I actually wouldn't host anyone in need if I was on my own with a young child. I would love to but it would not be fair to them, or to me and my child.

I just about have the mental and physical capacity to sort myself my household and my baby out on my days off, so if I was at home full time would not be able to do this plus support other people.

Form filling, appointments, getting around the local area, entertainment, helping occupy time in any way, looking for work, registering for healthcare... Consider also that the guests may be traumatised and however little they will try to infringe they will still need support. Take out the fact this is a lone male. Can you still manage all of that?

And yes I would not host a lone male either. It absolutely is unfair they won't be given the same opportunities, but I hope if your local authority is involved they do have some facilities they would be easier placed at than a family or someone with additional accessibility needs, for example.

HumunaHey · 23/03/2022 20:40

@LondonQueen

I would, however I would lock my bedroom door at night (and DC's)
If you have to lock your bedroom doors at night, surely you just don't let them into your home at all.
Sidneysussex · 23/03/2022 20:40

Nope. You sound better suited to a woman or mother with a child.

De88 · 23/03/2022 20:40
  • this is not 6 months anyone is committing to, either. You are looking at at least a year, realistically.
RoyKentsChestHair · 23/03/2022 20:44

@Theala

I wouldn't allow an adult male I didn't know well to stay in my home, no matter their circumstances.
This. It’s a bit ‘virtue signally’ to me - there are plenty of other things you can do to help including donating money, time and effort. If refugees need a place to stay it is NOT on individual households to do that, especially those with young children. The government was able to find hotel accommodation for isolating travellers during covid. And MPs all have at least 2 houses. If it’s anyone’s responsibility to house refugees it’s the government. Don’t bring a stranger into your home, no matter who they are or where they’re from. Would you offer a homeless English man a room in your house?
NurseBernard · 23/03/2022 20:45

Are there other ways you can help?

My DH volunteers with the Red Cross to help settle refugees once they’ve moved into their home. This is obviously a lot further down the track than refugees arriving now, fresh from the devastation in their country.

It’s great that you want to help. But you do also need to prioritise the wellbeing of yourself and your child.

NoraNancy · 23/03/2022 20:47

Yes I would. I know violent crimes etc are predominantly committed by men, but think it is awful how we are basically tarring every man with the same brush. They cannot all be viewed as abusers etc when a very very tinu minority actually are

MuggleMadness · 23/03/2022 20:48

No, but not because of the toddler though. A toddler I could keep safe. But because I think I could offer more to a mother & child or just a woman or child.

Also, it will be difficult enough, starting off with someone your DH is worried about usnt the best idea.
He should be able to get work with accommodation as a single, male, in his 30's.

Nothing to stop you keeping in touch & being a friendly ear!

Blossom64265 · 23/03/2022 20:51

I feel horrible for the man needing a home, but I wouldn’t bring a male stranger into my home to live.

I’m just very wary of sharing space alone with men I don’t trust completely.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/03/2022 20:51

The Government has really done a guilt job on the population, hasn’t it?

There are lots of effective ways of helping refugees, administered by organisations with decades of experience.

greenlynx · 23/03/2022 20:53

No, I wouldn’t.
@Theala explained my feelings exactly.
I also agree with @De88 that refugees will require help and support beyond just accommodation

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/03/2022 20:55

There is no way I'd have a single man in my house especially if my DS was that age.
A woman yes but a man no.

hiredandsqueak · 23/03/2022 20:55

No I wouldn't bring an unknown male into my home or into the lives of my dc.

scatterolight · 23/03/2022 20:58

No way. Are you insane?

IrishMama2015 · 23/03/2022 21:05

I would not personally let an unknown male come to live in my house. It's not a risk I would take with my children.

Sexnotgender · 23/03/2022 21:07

No absolutely not.

I’d host a woman though.

Moodycow78 · 23/03/2022 21:10

No, if your DH was going to be there then possibly but you and your child will be spending long periods of time in your home with a man you don't know. Too much of a risk imo.

Tigergirl37 · 23/03/2022 21:13

I think your heart is in the right place but I think you do need to prioritise your son and your family life. You should be spending carefree time without your son without a stranger in your home. I think the best thing to do would be to help him get in contact with a farm who can house him too and then consider a female or a mother and child.

Bananarice · 23/03/2022 21:14

I would have a lock for my own room (both ways). And store most valuables somewhere else.

Then wait, until I convince dh. It would be disrespectful to invite someone who a co-owner of the house has vetoed.

I think both men and women should get help.

Spacemonkey2016 · 23/03/2022 21:14

No, I wouldn't. To be honest, as horrible as I may sound, I have 2 kids under 5, and for that reason, even if I had room, I don't think I'd host anyone. You would expect there to be quite significant trauma, and that's too much for very young children to understand.

23Hares · 23/03/2022 21:17

@NoraNancy

Yes I would. I know violent crimes etc are predominantly committed by men, but think it is awful how we are basically tarring every man with the same brush. They cannot all be viewed as abusers etc when a very very tinu minority actually are
I'm afraid that until men, as a class of people, get their act together most people would not be willing to do this.

Men, as a class of people, can't go around making women feel unsafe then expect us to open our homes to them. Nor should any woman feel guilty for not opening their home.

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