Would you host single male refugee with your own 1 y/o?

[theroux21]

I understand opinions are going to be seriously divided, but I am interested in other parents views.

We have been put in contact with a 38 year old lone male Ukrainian refugee to host in spare bedroom. Myself and partner have a 14 month old son. We would be sharing facilities (bathroom, kitchen, living area). Our 14 month old will sleep in with us so won’t be left unattended at night time. My partner will be at work 7:30am-5pm weekdays, and myself and 14 month old will be home with said man. He is however eager to find work on the farms local to us.

At first I was weary with it being a lone male. We have been messaging back and forth and he is definitely who he says he is (social media accounts, photos sent by him, personal info verified). He has worked in UK as a seasonal farm picker previously. He was working in Czech Republic at time of invasion, his family home was bombed and unable to return home, his work contract ended in Czech R and is now at a German refugee camp (received photos to confirm this). I have found no reason to doubt who he says he is.

Previously, my partner was happy to host a refugee hence the contact being established, but is now totally against hosting a single male refugee, especially whilst myself & child are at home alone. I completely and utterly understand why, however I feel it would now be unfair to turn him away after establishing a rapport.

Both of us (refugee and host) have to be DBS checked, I said that if there is anything flagged on his DBS, I will absolutely stop the application straightaway. However, my partner thinks if he is a bit unsavoury, some of it might not be detected in his DBS. Our council also have to complete checks in our home, so i’d imagine if they felt it would be unsafe to host a lone male refugee they wouldn’t allow the application to go ahead. I would obviously be at our sons side at all times when home.

I feel it’s unfair for most lone male refugees not be given the same chances as others in same position, just in case a few might have bad intentions.

Please be as honest as you need to be :)

I wouldn't, and I am signed up to the sponsorship scheme. I have two daughters and am only willing to house a woman and child.

I thought men weren't allowed to leave. Not that it make it any better it no I wouldn't.

As a single person, or in a couple with no kids, then yes. With a child of any age then absolutely not. His background check will only show up something if he's been caught.

Take the word refugee out of your title. What would your response be?

“Would you host a single male with your one year old?” (And a stranger at that).

I think most people would say no.

Absolutely not. And you have enough already with your baby.

Of course not. And this is exactly why this hare-brained scheme won't work. If the UK government wants to be useful at all it needs a coherent strategy. Not a collection of well-meaning but ultimately untrained unsuitable people going into this blind.

Take your name off the list. Maybe if everyone else does it will force a rethink. Even if it doesn't the onus is not on ordinary working people who are already stretched to their limits.

Your partner is set against it so that would be the end of the debate. If you open your home up everyone needs to be on board.

Sorry missed the part where you were messaging each other. Agree that building a rapport wasn't a good idea but it's much easier to back out now with a bit of awkwardness than have a total stranger in your house. He obviously has all the incentives in the world to make a good impression and give you the verification details you need. You have no way of knowing what sort of trauma or baggage haven't been mentioned. If his family home "got bombed" (unsure if this implies the family members are still alive) then that is a massive amount of trauma to deal with. You will need to organise and possibly pay for therapy and interpreters and I doubt the council are ready to assist with that. We live in a country closer to Ukraine and many people here have hosted refugees already. After the initial hype settled, there are hosts pleading daily on FB for therapy places or medical help for their guests, all of which the government is turning a total blind eye to now.

No. I wouldn't.

No, sorry. I have a young DS and I wouldn't even entertain the idea. Too risky imo.

No. Let a man do that, I would host a female and child or two.

You wouldn't invite a stranger to live with you normally, so why should this be any different? The reality is that you don’t know this man, and I totally get why your DH would be uneasy about leaving you and your dc alone with him. Bizarre how any rational person would think differently tbh.

We have been messaging back and forth and he is definitely who he says he is (social media accounts, photos sent by him, personal info verified).

You sound really naive. You don't know this man at all, regardless of what you've seen on social media.

Absolutely not.

Quite frankly given the horrendous child abuse cases in the news in the last few months where mothers have facilitated horrific abuse against their children, I don’t think women can always be 100% trusted either. Refugee or not, you don’t know the true character of a stranger who you are blindly inviting into your home. I realise that this is a tiny minority of women.

Also a DBS is not the holy grail for knowing if someone is safe to have around vulnerable people etc - it just means they’ve never been convicted/caught.

You know a DBS check only covers the UK, so anything this man may have done abroad or back home won't show up?

I live alone. I have said that I will only take a female, or a couple.

Yes of course I would. I am not in the habit of suspecting every person I meet however I do supervise my children adequately

And I suspect that is the key

No way

No, I wouldn't.

Why did they connect you with a lone male, when there are many women and children who need housing? Just ask them to match you with a woman.

No. If I could afford it I might rent them a basic room elsewhere instead.

No no no.

Interesting to read lots of respondents on this thread have sons themselves. This refugee is someone's Son. In 20 years time if your Son was fleeing war with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to would you hope someone like the OP would take him in and help him get back on his feet, or the world just leave him to rot in a refugee camp because of what other Men do?

I appreciate it won't change many answers, but pause for though.

(My response is inspired by Louisa Gould. She hid a young escaped slave worker in WWII, and was sadly sent to Bergen for her efforts. Her reasoning was simply that he was another Mother's Son - her own two were away fighting themselves)

@maddy68

Yes of course I would. I am not in the habit of suspecting every person I meet however I do supervise my children adequately

And I suspect that is the key

aren't you so much better than everyone else?

@ImInStealthMode

Interesting to read lots of respondents on this thread have sons themselves. This refugee is someone's Son. In 20 years time if your Son was fleeing war with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to would you hope someone like the OP would take him in and help him get back on his feet, or the world just leave him to rot in a refugee camp because of what other Men do?

I appreciate it won't change many answers, but pause for though.

(My response is inspired by Louisa Gould. She hid a young escaped slave worker in WWII, and was sadly sent to Bergen for her efforts. Her reasoning was simply that he was another Mother's Son - her own two were away fighting themselves)

That refugee is an adult man.

OP has an actual toddler son ( or should I say Son?) who should be her first priority.
No need to guilt trip others to make them put their children in danger.

No, but not just a male as others have said - I wouldn’t host any strangers with a child in the house even if I had space. The child is the defining factor for me. The government shouldn’t be putting this on ordinary people, it’s needs a state response.