Would you host single male refugee with your own 1 y/o?

[theroux21]

I understand opinions are going to be seriously divided, but I am interested in other parents views.

We have been put in contact with a 38 year old lone male Ukrainian refugee to host in spare bedroom. Myself and partner have a 14 month old son. We would be sharing facilities (bathroom, kitchen, living area). Our 14 month old will sleep in with us so won’t be left unattended at night time. My partner will be at work 7:30am-5pm weekdays, and myself and 14 month old will be home with said man. He is however eager to find work on the farms local to us.

At first I was weary with it being a lone male. We have been messaging back and forth and he is definitely who he says he is (social media accounts, photos sent by him, personal info verified). He has worked in UK as a seasonal farm picker previously. He was working in Czech Republic at time of invasion, his family home was bombed and unable to return home, his work contract ended in Czech R and is now at a German refugee camp (received photos to confirm this). I have found no reason to doubt who he says he is.

Previously, my partner was happy to host a refugee hence the contact being established, but is now totally against hosting a single male refugee, especially whilst myself & child are at home alone. I completely and utterly understand why, however I feel it would now be unfair to turn him away after establishing a rapport.

Both of us (refugee and host) have to be DBS checked, I said that if there is anything flagged on his DBS, I will absolutely stop the application straightaway. However, my partner thinks if he is a bit unsavoury, some of it might not be detected in his DBS. Our council also have to complete checks in our home, so i’d imagine if they felt it would be unsafe to host a lone male refugee they wouldn’t allow the application to go ahead. I would obviously be at our sons side at all times when home.

I feel it’s unfair for most lone male refugees not be given the same chances as others in same position, just in case a few might have bad intentions.

Please be as honest as you need to be :)

It sound like I mean I’m opposed to strangers with a child, I mean my child 😬

No I wouldn't.

Definitely not.

No. How can you be watching your toddler every minute if the day? What about when you go to the toilet, need to hang out the washing, grab a shower, are asleep at night?

Interesting to contrast this with the multiple threads over the past few weeks where mnetters were all about opening their own and others'houses up to all of the poor wee ukrainies and how we all need to save them with our holiday homes and spare rooms.

As it goes I think that the overwhelming consensus on this particular thread is absolutely correct but it does kind of highlight the difference between fancy and reality.

No.
As someone said upthread, single men can house single men. Why should a woman put herself at risk?
Plus if you take him it will mean you’re not giving a home to a woman and child who are likely more vulnerable.
Who matched you? If it’s one of the charities people need telling to avoid it.

@BourbonVanilla I'm not guilt tripping anyone nor suggesting anyone change their answer.

It's just food for thought. There but for the grace of God and so on.

This is Mumsnet; it wouldn't surprise me the tiniest bit to come across a thread in AIBU from someone distressed that her Son had suddenly been denied urgent help on the basis of being a single Man and everyone being up in arms about it. It's a strange world.

@theroux21 it’s irrelevant anyway. They need to have been in Ukraine on or after the 22nd Jan to qualify for a visa. Their passport must have been stamped to prove this.

I wouldn't accept a lone male or a family with teen boys.

@ImInStealthMode

Interesting to read lots of respondents on this thread have sons themselves. This refugee is someone's Son. In 20 years time if your Son was fleeing war with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to would you hope someone like the OP would take him in and help him get back on his feet, or the world just leave him to rot in a refugee camp because of what other Men do?

I appreciate it won't change many answers, but pause for though.

(My response is inspired by Louisa Gould. She hid a young escaped slave worker in WWII, and was sadly sent to Bergen for her efforts. Her reasoning was simply that he was another Mother's Son - her own two were away fighting themselves)

This. I do hope some people will be able to take them in. I do understand peoples concerns but I hope someone would take my son in if, his forbid, he was ever in these circumstances. It's a sad world that we would leave good men in awful conditions because of fear of what they might do based on the actions of a minority.

‘would you hope someone like the OP would take him in and help him get back on his feet, or the world just leave him to rot in a refugee camp because of what other Men do?’

You’re talking as if the op is his only option. There are several other options, such as him finding seasonal work as he did before or somebody who is not a woman with a young child taking him in.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel By 'someone like the OP' I meant someone willing to open up their home to a stranger in need. Not the actual OP, or someone in her exact circumstances.

There is also a good deal of 'no strangers in my home, full stop, no question, not ever' on this thread and the wider boards.

Like I said below; there but for the grace of god go any of us.

No I wouldn't but that said am single I who take a woman and children tho, I've no idea how it works but can you not rematch with a women?

No way.

l can already imagine some of the many threads on here further down the line, most of MN have a complete breakdown hosting their own families for a day or two over Xmas, nevermind complete strangers for months on end.
Has anyone considered the fact once the war is over many won't want to go back, or can' t go back as nowhere to go back to, what then ?
The intention to help in this way is very well meant, but the reality is it could all end up going very wrong, l don't think people are thinking it through as to the enormity of whats involved.

@doublemonkey

Fucking hell, these threads are mad.

He's not in Ukraine is he, so why does he need to travel to the UK and sleep in your kids room?

My thoughts exactly....

@LondonQueen

I would, however I would lock my bedroom door at night (and DC's)

Why would you want to live like that?

As sad as it is, no way would I

No, absolutely no.

No

No.

Absolutely no chance, it's terrible but I would never put my children in danger no matter how small the risk. I would also feel very uneasy being at home all day with a strange man in my house, not to mention sharing a bathroom etc

No way for me

Ukrainian law says that with very few exceptions, men 18-60 cannot leave the country. The exceptions are quite specific (disabled child, pregnant wife, medical grounds).

It is a red flag that a single man is looking for accommodation without very specific circumstances.

I've seen examples of men claiming to be Ukrainian testing the system - including men from the middle East who are already in Europe from prior refugee waves (which were dominated by men - Syria etc).

The vast majority of Ukrainian refugees are women with children.

Not a chance

OP there's a better 'match' out there for both of you. Keep looking, he will be OK.