Would you host single male refugee with your own 1 y/o?

[theroux21]

I understand opinions are going to be seriously divided, but I am interested in other parents views.

We have been put in contact with a 38 year old lone male Ukrainian refugee to host in spare bedroom. Myself and partner have a 14 month old son. We would be sharing facilities (bathroom, kitchen, living area). Our 14 month old will sleep in with us so won’t be left unattended at night time. My partner will be at work 7:30am-5pm weekdays, and myself and 14 month old will be home with said man. He is however eager to find work on the farms local to us.

At first I was weary with it being a lone male. We have been messaging back and forth and he is definitely who he says he is (social media accounts, photos sent by him, personal info verified). He has worked in UK as a seasonal farm picker previously. He was working in Czech Republic at time of invasion, his family home was bombed and unable to return home, his work contract ended in Czech R and is now at a German refugee camp (received photos to confirm this). I have found no reason to doubt who he says he is.

Previously, my partner was happy to host a refugee hence the contact being established, but is now totally against hosting a single male refugee, especially whilst myself & child are at home alone. I completely and utterly understand why, however I feel it would now be unfair to turn him away after establishing a rapport.

Both of us (refugee and host) have to be DBS checked, I said that if there is anything flagged on his DBS, I will absolutely stop the application straightaway. However, my partner thinks if he is a bit unsavoury, some of it might not be detected in his DBS. Our council also have to complete checks in our home, so i’d imagine if they felt it would be unsafe to host a lone male refugee they wouldn’t allow the application to go ahead. I would obviously be at our sons side at all times when home.

I feel it’s unfair for most lone male refugees not be given the same chances as others in same position, just in case a few might have bad intentions.

Please be as honest as you need to be :)

Nope, no way. Sorry. Of course the council are keen. This is saving them a fortune. I'd have avoided building up the rapport in the first place though.

I wouldn’t and I’ve worked with refugees. You don’t know what their personalities are and whether they’re coming to you with issues or trauma.

No way. I'd find other ways to do my bit.

Fucking hell, these threads are mad.

He's not in Ukraine is he, so why does he need to travel to the UK and sleep in your kids room?

Also those who are saying they would, are you?

Absolutely no way and I thought makes had to stay in the country.?

I would only offer a mother and child.

Umm no I can understand your dh's concern. It won't be a good fit for your family anyhow now, because one of you aren't happy with the arrangement. It's wouldn't be fair to either party now.

No, I wouldn’t.

No. You would be in no way capable of protecting yourself and your child if your partner was away. I was raped many years ago and even though I was young and fit I never stood a chance.

No, absolutely not. Your DC come first.

This:

I wouldn't allow an adult male I didn't know well to stay in my home, no matter their circumstances.

Absolutely no way. Without wanting to sound flippant, as a single, white male he will almost certainly be able to find someplace else to stay. From his perspective, he has no idea or expectation to be matched with your family. You're just as much of strangers to him, so if you refused the place then he would simply be matched with someone else equally welcoming.

To be perfectly honest, it's probably horrific for a young man to live in a house with a 1 year old. Given the choice HE would probably want to be in a child-free home without having to listen to toddler tantrums or catch nursery bugs all the time. Especially if he's dealing with trauma or needs peace and quiet. If he goes out and wants to bring friends/girls home, how would that work out?

Absolutely no fucking way. I seriously doubt your judgement for even considering this.

No

He would need a DBS from the UK and Czech where he has worked, as well as one from Ukraine.

No chance. I've lived in hostels and shared accommodation with men. Most are decent but some aren't: drinkers, men who I've found creepy or who don't keep bathrooms clean (and if he's doing farm work that could be very mucky). You don't want to be uncomfortable in your home if dh is at work or if you go to the loo in the middle of the night in skimpy pjs etc

That's without even thinking about a stranger in the house with my baby!

I'd be fine with a woman and it sounds like there are plenty of mums with young children.

Absolutely not, I'm afraid.

Besides anything else, since you're set up for babies and children, wouldn't you have more to offer to a parent with a young child than to a single adult who might get quite irritated living with a small child if he's not used to them? Even if totally harmless, it doesn't sound like a great fit.

I think you should tell them that unfortunatly you are going to have to pull out as your husband has said no to a single man

I wouldn’t allow any stranger to live in my home with my young children.

No, I wouldn’t. Please tell us that this is something you considered prior to offering your availability? If you’ve been messaging back and forth please don’t be so heartless as to pull out now

Nope.

No

I don’t really understand the whole women and children only, it’s like people don’t seem to understand the war will end, be it in a week or a month and rhe husbands and fathers will be coming over to live with their families in the hosts home. They won’t be able to stay in the Ukraine nor these refugees go back, the infrastructure is decimated.

@NoraNancy

Yes I would. I know violent crimes etc are predominantly committed by men, but think it is awful how we are basically tarring every man with the same brush. They cannot all be viewed as abusers etc when a very very tinu minority actually are

Men have got no-one but men to blame for the situation.

It might be a tiny minority of men, but virtually all women have experienced - at ‘best’ - low level harassment from men.

To reiterate my suggestion upthread, the OP should consider other ways to help / volunteer.

No, I wouldn’t.