Is it normal to ask for a night off?

[ckw439]

Feeling very very guilty and like an awful mum tonight. I’m a single mummy, I have my mum staying over helping me out with the little one (she’s 6 days old) and she’s MASSIVELY taking the pressure off for me at the moment. I am recovering from a c-section so it’s been really difficult. Today I’m feeling really rubbish and my body is hurting, after all I’m recovering from a major operation, so I asked her if she would mind having my daughter overnight tonight in the next room to relieve a bit of pressure and allow me a night to recover and feel a bit more myself again. I probably wouldn’t have stuck the night out and would’ve caved and got her back in my room but I thought I’d ask anyway. She made me feel really guilty and laughed at me like I was silly for even suggesting it. I appreciate her help a lot anyway, she’s gone above and beyond this last week and I’m just a bit upset that she would judge me for asking for a little break. In an ideal world I would have my partner here helping me and giving me that break so I feel I shouldn’t feel guilty for suggesting it but now I just feel awful and like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not am i? 💔

You’re not the worst mum in the world of course! But she is your baby and not your mums, I do think it’s a bit of a big request.

If you were my daughter I would happily look after your baby for the night so you could get some rest. You’ve had major surgery and it wasn’t nice iof her to laugh at you.

A newborn needs it’s mother, it’s very hard post birth but unfortunately a break isn’t part of the deal with the 4th trimester. Even with a partner it’s not normal to “have a break” from a newborn.
The first 6 weeks are hard! It’s great that you have some help with the practical help at home as you definitely need that as a single parent post section, but the baby bit is yours alone I’m afraid. You’ll power through!

You're tired and your desperate, your mom was mean. I'm sorry op.
But, I think asking someone who isn't the parent to have a 6 day old baby all night whilst you sleep knowing they'll be expected to be up in the day either side is unfair.
If she's helping you our so much you really do need to try and nap when baby does and let her pick up things like cooking and basic cleaning

It’s not something I’ve ever done and I have 4 but then I breastfed and tbh wouldn’t have wanted them away from me. I do think it’s unusual request sorry but you did ask for anyone who jumps on me!

When I had my first child I was still in hospital at 14 days. They kept my DD in the nursery at night to help mums recover. They would also either feed them, or bring them to you to be fed. You are not a bad mum you are just recovering

she’s gone above and beyond this last week and I’m just a bit upset that she would judge me for asking for a little break.

I mean this kindly but her going above and beyond is giving you a bit of a break. Not from your newborn of course but she has done a lot for you this week and she is maybe trying to brush off the request as she is concerned for you becoming too reliant on her, or not bonding well with your baby. I know you think she has let you done here but try to focus on what she has done for you, she is on your side

Sorry OP but I have a partner and a very supportive family, my son is a year old and I haven't had a whole night off, ever!

I don't think your mum should of been mean to you about it but it is definitely a big ask

My partner and my family I'm sure would be happy to do it but I would feel too guilty as it was me who wanted this baby! Instead of asking for a whole night of babysitting I'd ask for someone to watch baby through the day for a few hours so I could have a mammoth nap 😴

@Hisea

Sorry OP but I have a partner and a very supportive family, my son is a year old and I haven't had a whole night off, ever!

I don't think your mum should of been mean to you about it but it is definitely a big ask

My partner and my family I'm sure would be happy to do it but I would feel too guilty as it was me who wanted this baby! Instead of asking for a whole night of babysitting I'd ask for someone to watch baby through the day for a few hours so I could have a mammoth nap 😴

Thanks. I agree with this. I think it was a moment of weakness if I'm honest! I think I need to be a bit better at napping with her during the day, will make life a lot easier :)

I went into labour on a sun eve and my baby was born on the wed morning by C-section, and I had zero sleep for those 3 nights. When I came home l did sleep in the spare room to try and catch up on some sleep as a I was a wreck.

I don't think you were wrong to ask.

I personally don't think it is a big ask. I lived in England with my husband and my mum came from Ireland to let us have a few nights sleep through. I was feeding, she woke me to feed baby then I went back to sleep.
I think it is fine to ask for a night off. It isn't your mums baby but you are and that is her grandchild. I would hope to do it for my kids.

I think you are lucky that your mum is there to help you, a lot of people don’t have that, I would try to appreciate what she is doing, I had 4 including a new born and was a single parent and had a csection and my mum never helped me. I honestly don’t know anyone who sent there newborn to someone else over night. I wouldn’t say it’s “normal” And sounds like she is helping a lot already.

I totally understand the need for a break, it'll get easier though. Having someone watch your baby while you nap is so important as is a night's unbroken sleep. I co slept eventually due to sleep deprivation and it has been lovely.

@frazzled101

I went into labour on a sun eve and my baby was born on the wed morning by C-section, and I had zero sleep for those 3 nights. When I came home l did sleep in the spare room to try and catch up on some sleep as a I was a wreck.

I don't think you were wrong to ask.

This is kind of like my experience. I was in the hospital for a week before having her, in labour because I'd been induced (due to pre-eclampsia) twice, first time failed and the second time worked but no progression after 3cm, which is why I had a c-section. I didn't sleep the whole time because I was having horrendous contractions for days. I think I'm just absolutely exhausted from my time at the hospital before having her and had a moment of weakness. She's with me and won't be leaving my side now! 😊

This is why rich women have night nannies night enough.

A lot of people on here clearly haven’t tired to recover from major surgery while caring for a newborn! My MIL took my baby into the other room and cared for him for the night when he was about 10 days old as I was in so much pain from my c-section. No, it didn’t affect my bond with him on the slightest. It probably did help prevent me from developing postnatal depression though.

Also, this “4th trimester” bullshit is all a moderate conception and not fact. Yes, your baby needs you but it’s not going to suffer from you having a few hours of good quality sleep and then returning in the morning feeling refreshed. You are not a bad mum for needing time to recover from your birth. What the hell happened to community?? Too many people on this website are trying to be ultimate martyrs...not even allowing their partners to watch the baby for a few hours, ffs what’s all that about?

Ah I see, a lot of people are jealous that your mum is giving you any help at all while theirs shunned them while they recovered let’s not make this about your own issues ladies

@Rno3gfr

A lot of people on here clearly haven’t tired to recover from major surgery while caring for a newborn! My MIL took my baby into the other room and cared for him for the night when he was about 10 days old as I was in so much pain from my c-section. No, it didn’t affect my bond with him on the slightest. It probably did help prevent me from developing postnatal depression though.

Also, this “4th trimester” bullshit is all a moderate conception and not fact. Yes, your baby needs you but it’s not going to suffer from you having a few hours of good quality sleep and then returning in the morning feeling refreshed. You are not a bad mum for needing time to recover from your birth. What the hell happened to community?? Too many people on this website are trying to be ultimate martyrs...not even allowing their partners to watch the baby for a few hours, ffs what’s all that about?

Thank you so so much. I really appreciate this comment! I had a very traumatic experience too and I think it all just got on top of me for a moment. I'll power through! 😊

@Rno3gfr

Ah I see, a lot of people are jealous that your mum is giving you any help at all while theirs shunned them while they recovered let’s not make this about your own issues ladies

The op asked if it’s normal to have a night off from your newborn. The answer is no.

OP I think it's quite normal at this stage with your first baby. It is so unbelievably overwhelming and no matter how prepared you think you are, notbing can really prepare you for the huge overhaul a baby brings into your life and the terrifying fact of someone needing you at all times!

I can remember with my first baby, after getting him home trying to reassure myself that once he reached the age of 8 (not sure why that was the age I picked but that was very firmly the age that was stuck in my mind) he wouldn't need me as much and he would be more independent and it would be ok and I'd just have to dig deep and put up with it until then. There were definitely big moments of 'what have I done' in amongst the love. I definitely wanted a night or a day off just to be 'me' again pre birth and no longer this new mummy person who was completely at the beck and call of a tiny newborn.

Happy to report that that baby is 8 in a few months and it got a lot better way before now! Within a few weeks in fact I was more settled into my new role, more confident in what I was doing and my baby was more responsive (it's amazing what a smile will do when you're exhausted!) So whilst your mum probably was surprised that you asked, because yes, your baby really does need you at this stage, I do understand why you felt the need. But hang in there OP, it will get better!

I totally understand. I was so exhausted after section and then a longer than expected hospital stay that I told DH I needed to sleep alone when we finally got home, so he took DD overnight for our first night home and gave her some expressed milk for a night feed while I got a chunk of seven hours sleep. It honestly revived me so much. I felt like a million dollars after days of grabbed solitary hours in the hospital here and there.

But I understand why your mum might not be comfortable with it as looking after a tiny baby can be scary and she might be a bit worried about it. It's one thing when it's your own, but not quite the same when it's not.

In this case I would just focus on sleeping during the day whenever baby is settled, if your mum is able to pick up some of the cooking/cleaning stuff. Or even watching baby for an hour or two while you nap during the day.

@AHungryCaterpillar The answer is no? You’re very sure of yourself. I don’t think for one moment the answers on this post are representative of the norm.

I think the answer is yes. She’s in the other room. She’s not asking her mum to take the baby back to her house. She’s not asking her mum to not dare disturb her if she needs help with the baby. She’s basically asking her mum to take on a few deeds while she sleeps next door. What on Earth is the big deal? My gran did it for my mum, mine did it for me, and I’ll do it for my children if they would like me to. Op doesn’t want a break from motherhood- she only wants a stretch of sleep!

Feeds

Omg, of course you're not a bad mum. Of course it's normal to want a night off and of course it's normal to ask that of someone close to you who you know your baby will be safe with. I'm sorry that she made you feel bad and can't help give you that rest, though it sounds like she's helping you in other ways.

Would you be able to afford a night nurse for a night? Or is there a father that could find it?

Congratulations on your newborn, well done doing it single handed and good luck getting some rest.

@Rno3gfr

Ah I see, a lot of people are jealous that your mum is giving you any help at all while theirs shunned them while they recovered let’s not make this about your own issues ladies

I’ve never been shunned in my life!

My DH took 6 weeks off and cleaned, cooked, shopped, tended animals, did all the laundry etc so all I had to do was baby. He obviously did nappies and held DD do I could shower, eat etc and she did nap on him occasionally. But no, I wouldn’t and couldn’t have left her with anyone for hours at a time. Not at days old, different when months old.