Page 3 | Is it normal to ask for a night off?

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tomorrowisanotherdayaotheysay · 16/03/2022 07:17

I am so surprised at these responses. Personally I totally understand you asking and think it would have been nice of her to help. I had a night nanny and a supportive husband, it's bloody hard and there is no harm at all in asking for help.
I think she's mean to laugh
It's not an endurance test and if you want or need help you should ask for it
I hope you get some rest soon and you are doing an amazing job

tothemoonandbackbuses · 16/03/2022 07:23

I totally understand why you asked. I ended up back in hospital with both of mine when they were only days old. With my first a bank nurse looked after him for a whole night and I slept. With my second I abandoned her on the childrens ward and went back to maternity for a day and they put me in a side room, gave me some painkillers and let me sleep.
It made such a difference

MuchTooTired · 16/03/2022 07:23

Oh love, you’re not a bad mum. Initially I read your op and thought it was a bit of a piss take, but my DTs are 4 now and I’ve forgotten the newborn hell. Your post got me remembering, and I really do not think you asking your mum to take your baby so you could get a few hours straight sleep is an awful thing to ask at all. The mw took my DTs on our second night in hospital and cared for them for me so I could get a decent block of sleep, because they knew I was dead on my feet. I’m sorry your mum laughed at your asking.

rookiemere · 16/03/2022 07:24

My cousin had been a nanny and she came to visit when DS was about 3 weeks old and looked after him for the entire night. It was total bliss actually getting some sleep.

I hate this narrative that new mothers should apparently be able to survive on zero sleep, it doesn't seem natural to me.

Ohyesiam · 16/03/2022 07:25

@Thursday37

A newborn needs it’s mother, it’s very hard post birth but unfortunately a break isn’t part of the deal with the 4th trimester. Even with a partner it’s not normal to “have a break” from a newborn. The first 6 weeks are hard! It’s great that you have some help with the practical help at home as you definitely need that as a single parent post section, but the baby bit is yours alone I’m afraid. You’ll power through!

That wasn’t true in my case, I had a break or two in the first few weeks. Husband bought dd to me in the night for feeding.

HardbackWriter · 16/03/2022 07:32

Astonished that some people think the mum is being mean for not agreeing to this - the normal MN narrative is that asking grandparents to have a 10 year old for two hours is a big imposition that you shouldn't make! I can see why you want it OP, of course I can, but I do think it's a big ask of someone who is already doing a lot.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 16/03/2022 07:33

My Mum had my nephew overnight at about 2 weeks old at her house. She was helping my sister when she could to let her sleep. My Mum had no help herself and knew how lovely it is to be able to do that for her daughter.

She stayed with me for 5 days post c section after Dh had returned to work. She let me sleep in the day which was heaven, looked after me and Ds. I hope to be able to do something similar with my future grandchildren.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, hormonal and want someone to help out. Usually there are partners to share the workload. I am sorry your Mum made you feel strange for asking. It does not make you a bad Mum for feeling like you need a break.

DancingBarefootOnIce · 16/03/2022 07:34

She might have not meant to sound rude but just didn’t expect the request or know how to turn you down.

Babyboomtastic · 16/03/2022 07:35

Oh, and my auntie's had me for a week, at 2w old, to reduce the chances of me getting the chicken pox my older siblings got (and I didn't get it).

I'm not remotely traumatised by this and have an incredibly close and loving relationship with my mum.

HardbackWriter · 16/03/2022 07:38

Given your mum has been sharing the load with you in much the same way a partner would, I don't think it's a huge ask, but equally, yes she can say no. If you were my daughter I'd have offered.

But surely you can see this from the mum's point of view - 'you've already been doing so much, why wouldn't you do more and more?'

She isn't the OP's partner - a partner wouldn't be helping the OP, they'd be caring for their own child. She is helping the OP in a pretty huge way and if she's saying that she's reaching her limits of how much she is willing to do then that should be respected.

AliceW89 · 16/03/2022 07:39

Omg I would have killed to have someone take DS overnight after about 10 days or so - I was a wreck and ready to pack in breastfeeding! You were not unreasonable to ask at all! She’s completely fine saying no, but it would be silly to not even ask. It’ll get easier to cope when your body and mind adapts to the reduced sleep.

Wnkingawalrus · 16/03/2022 07:45

OP I didn’t have a night off at that stage (in fact didn’t for months and months with both of mine) but I did get help at other times (mixture of OH and DM) to give me time to sleep.

If your Mum doesn’t want to take the baby overnight I always found the best times for me to get a bit of sleep at that time were about 6-9 in the morning and 9-12 at night (although never did that long I would add because I BF and neither went longer than 2 hours for months).

Does your Mum come and help you in the night at all? At that stage of C section recovery someone to get the baby up and change them before a feed is hurt helpful. I found it took me a while to lever myself up and put of bed but OH had usually picked the baby up before they got too worked up.

Lesperance · 16/03/2022 07:52

@DancingBarefootOnIce

She might have not meant to sound rude but just didn’t expect the request or know how to turn you down.

I agree. I would be astounded to be asked this. Especially as she's been really helpful. I wouldn't have asked my own mum this either. I'm not saying that you are wrong to ask, not at all. But I don't think it's a usual request, far from it. You can't take it badly that your mum said no.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 16/03/2022 08:02

I have a newborn, and a partner, and the lack of sleep is still v tough. Especially when recovering from a difficult birth. My mum offered after the first week to have him from 8pm until 2am one night even though there are two of us - we both bit her hand off. I'm EBF, she just brought him in for feeds.

If you have a partner you get to split the night, I don't see how it's different if your relatives are happy to help. It does get easier honestly, but that first 3-4weeks we felt so sleep deprived it almost felt like it wasn't safe.

Original poster

ckw439 · 16/03/2022 08:03

@ckw439

Feeling very very guilty and like an awful mum tonight. I’m a single mummy, I have my mum staying over helping me out with the little one (she’s 6 days old) and she’s MASSIVELY taking the pressure off for me at the moment. I am recovering from a c-section so it’s been really difficult. Today I’m feeling really rubbish and my body is hurting, after all I’m recovering from a major operation, so I asked her if she would mind having my daughter overnight tonight in the next room to relieve a bit of pressure and allow me a night to recover and feel a bit more myself again. I probably wouldn’t have stuck the night out and would’ve caved and got her back in my room but I thought I’d ask anyway. She made me feel really guilty and laughed at me like I was silly for even suggesting it. I appreciate her help a lot anyway, she’s gone above and beyond this last week and I’m just a bit upset that she would judge me for asking for a little break. In an ideal world I would have my partner here helping me and giving me that break so I feel I shouldn’t feel guilty for suggesting it but now I just feel awful and like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not am i? 💔

Guys, I am completely ok with my mum saying no and I know she is fully entitled to. I would never just expect her to do such a big thing for me, especially with how much she is already doing. I just asked because I was desperate and it was probably a bit of a moment of weakness but it soon passed. Thank you for all your comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

ckw439 · 16/03/2022 08:06

@ckw439

Feeling very very guilty and like an awful mum tonight. I’m a single mummy, I have my mum staying over helping me out with the little one (she’s 6 days old) and she’s MASSIVELY taking the pressure off for me at the moment. I am recovering from a c-section so it’s been really difficult. Today I’m feeling really rubbish and my body is hurting, after all I’m recovering from a major operation, so I asked her if she would mind having my daughter overnight tonight in the next room to relieve a bit of pressure and allow me a night to recover and feel a bit more myself again. I probably wouldn’t have stuck the night out and would’ve caved and got her back in my room but I thought I’d ask anyway. She made me feel really guilty and laughed at me like I was silly for even suggesting it. I appreciate her help a lot anyway, she’s gone above and beyond this last week and I’m just a bit upset that she would judge me for asking for a little break. In an ideal world I would have my partner here helping me and giving me that break so I feel I shouldn’t feel guilty for suggesting it but now I just feel awful and like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not am i? 💔

I was more wondering if I deserved to be laughed at for asking. I did not take her saying no badly, I took her judgement badly because it made me feel like a really awful mum. I'm ok now and over it.

OP posts:

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 16/03/2022 08:11

@ckw439 don't feel bad about it though. I would have asked also. I gave my sister breaks overnight, my mum did also. I don't see any issues if it's someone you trust. I'd let either of them of my mother in law do the same for me.

Ignore the mean posts, you're doing a great job. Sleep is essential also, esp when you're recovering

Thinkrr999 · 16/03/2022 08:15

@AHungryCaterpillar

I know lots of women who’ve had babies and not one of them had their mum move in let alone have a night off, all the mums I know didn’t have a night off till baby was a toddler. I’m saying the op should appreciate what her mum is doing not what she isn’t. How would breastfeeding mums get a night off? 😕 this is a newborn we are talking about and no I don’t think is normal to be away from a newborn over night.

I agree

Quartz2208 · 16/03/2022 08:18

It maybe that your Mum just isn’t comfortable with having her overnight at 6 days old

My mum has been amazing but she knows her limits and overnights at that age would have been it.

Cinnabomb · 16/03/2022 08:31

@ckw439 you are not in any way unreasonable to want a nights sleep and that does not make you a bad mother. I would have probably given my baby away at that age for some sleep (following an extremely traumatic birth) but I was still in hospital and got ZERO help from any midwives.

However you’re mum is already going above and beyond. You can’t expect her to do a night shift and she’s not being mean. Gently you’re probably being over sensitive, as clearly she is already giving you a huge amount of help.

For posters saying it’s normal for grandmas to help, it’s not, it’s really lucky and should be appreciated and not taken for granted! Clearly some lovely lovely grandmas on this thread.

AegonT · 16/03/2022 09:36

You are not wrong for asking. She is not wrong for refusing but she is wrong for making you feel bad even in a jokey way. If you had a partner around they could do this for you and if your mother is going to be a big part of your baby's life then there's no harm in her caring for her for a night. You have just had surgery and need to recover. You are a good mother for trying to get what you need to function better as a mother the next day. It's hard in so many ways in the early days/weeks. It will get easier.

Nnique · 16/03/2022 09:42

She absolutely shouldn’t have laughed at you, nor made you feel judged.

You’re not an awful mother by any stretch, and actually, many women would be much, much happier if fewer women played the martyrdom game so religiously.

Original poster

ckw439 · 16/03/2022 09:46

[quote Cinnabomb]@ckw439 you are not in any way unreasonable to want a nights sleep and that does not make you a bad mother. I would have probably given my baby away at that age for some sleep (following an extremely traumatic birth) but I was still in hospital and got ZERO help from any midwives.

However you’re mum is already going above and beyond. You can’t expect her to do a night shift and she’s not being mean. Gently you’re probably being over sensitive, as clearly she is already giving you a huge amount of help.

For posters saying it’s normal for grandmas to help, it’s not, it’s really lucky and should be appreciated and not taken for granted! Clearly some lovely lovely grandmas on this thread.[/quote]
Please read where I have updated this post.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 16/03/2022 09:55

She didn’t laugh as a judgment on you it was I suspect a nervous response because she didn’t feel able to and didn’t want to let you down

rookiemere · 16/03/2022 10:20

I remember once in the early days speaking to my DM in tears on the phone as I was so tired. My Aunt was round at their house and I could hear them both laughing about it and my DMs scornful response.

It hurts when people seem to think you should be superhuman just because you have a working vagina.

Is it normal to ask for a night off?

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