Is it normal to ask for a night off?

[ckw439]

Feeling very very guilty and like an awful mum tonight. I’m a single mummy, I have my mum staying over helping me out with the little one (she’s 6 days old) and she’s MASSIVELY taking the pressure off for me at the moment. I am recovering from a c-section so it’s been really difficult. Today I’m feeling really rubbish and my body is hurting, after all I’m recovering from a major operation, so I asked her if she would mind having my daughter overnight tonight in the next room to relieve a bit of pressure and allow me a night to recover and feel a bit more myself again. I probably wouldn’t have stuck the night out and would’ve caved and got her back in my room but I thought I’d ask anyway. She made me feel really guilty and laughed at me like I was silly for even suggesting it. I appreciate her help a lot anyway, she’s gone above and beyond this last week and I’m just a bit upset that she would judge me for asking for a little break. In an ideal world I would have my partner here helping me and giving me that break so I feel I shouldn’t feel guilty for suggesting it but now I just feel awful and like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not am i? 💔

@ckw439 the napping in the day will really help if you can get used to it. I gave in to it and abandoned the day/night concept and just followed the baby with sleep. It’s quite hard to let go of your old life routine like that. But if you can it really does help the first few weeks. It’s not forever, you will be ok

@ckw439 you’re a good mum, you’re just tired!

OP, you're right!
My dd and son in law had me round a couple of times in the early weeks just to hold the baby on the night so they could get some sleep. Perfectly normal, what grandmas are for.

I know lots of women who’ve had babies and not one of them had their mum move in let alone have a night off, all the mums I know didn’t have a night off till baby was a toddler. I’m saying the op should appreciate what her mum is doing not what she isn’t. How would breastfeeding mums get a night off? 😕 this is a newborn we are talking about and no I don’t think is normal to be away from a newborn over night.

@Thursday37 you’re the one who posted the condescending comment citing the holy grail 4th trimester bull (FYI the 4th trimester is a theory coined by Harvey Karp and is not a fact, it’s a concept). I’m really not surprised you were velcod to you baby to the first few weeks but you’ve got to realise that not everyone feels that way and not everyone believes in that stuff. You’re not a better mother and your baby didn’t benefit more just because you didn’t want/need a break.

@AHungryCaterpillar she’s not even away from the newborn, she’s in the other room for some rest. Breastfeeding mums make their own decisions on how to work it out, some express milk (I did). But just because it might be harder for breastfeeding mums isn’t an argument that all newborns need to be within 1 meters of their mothers. Some people need to realise that mothers are important too. Some mothers don’t need to be away from their newborns, others do need to be in the other room just to catch up in sleep. BOTH are perfectly NORMAL.

It’s ok for her to ask but it’s also ok for her mum to say. I’m not sure why people are berating her mother she seems to be helping a lot, and no bf mums won’t be expressing with a 6 days old.

When DD was born we had to stay in hospital for 10 days, it was transitional care, the babies weren’t as high needs as special care, but it was pretty horrendous and the staff were so busy and all these poor mums and poorly babies and now and then a poor mum would just break down,
it wasn’t unusual to find women lying on the floor in floods of tears, when that happened the night midwives would take the babies into their office for three to four hours to let mum sleep, maybe a full night is too much but maybe your mum could keep baby for a couple of hours in her room and bring them through when they wake. Good luck, you sound a great mum, sure your mum didn’t mean to be so thoughtless, she sounds nice too but I think they forget sometimes what it’s like!

I know this will appall many of you but my DS1 stayed over at his nana and grandad's when he was 6 days old. I popped over to see them and I looked like death warmed up, a newborn had been a shock to the system somewhat. They offered to have him overnight and whilst I felt guilty I also hadn't slept for nearly a week so I snapped their hand off.

DS1 of course only woke once for a feed that night 😂 he did actually sleep a lot better after a stay at his grandparents. He then stayed pretty much every week until my parents were no longer well enough to host him.

DS is now nearly 13 and I can say it hasn't affected our bond in any way and he also has a lovely relationship with his now old and frail grandparents.

[quote Rno3gfr]@Thursday37 you’re the one who posted the condescending comment citing the holy grail 4th trimester bull (FYI the 4th trimester is a theory coined by Harvey Karp and is not a fact, it’s a concept). I’m really not surprised you were velcod to you baby to the first few weeks but you’ve got to realise that not everyone feels that way and not everyone believes in that stuff. You’re not a better mother and your baby didn’t benefit more just because you didn’t want/need a break.[/quote]
You really need to deal with your issues, can you not cope with life or something? Calm down. You are the condescending one here, not me.

Cut yourself some slack, you’ve just had major abdominal surgery and you’re exhausted in pain and desperate for a few zzz’s. You’re not a bad Mum. My mother lives far away but when she did come to visit after my baby was born she was always offering to take her at night so I could rest…if I hadn’t been BFing there were definitely a few nights I would’ve taken her up on her offer because I was just exhausted.

I completely understand why you asked but I can also see why your mum said no. It's hard bloody work. You will get used to it though I've just had my second baby and finding the nights way easier this time.

Whilst your mum is with you, I would try and get as much day sleep as possible. Just sleep whenever you can, don't wait for the night to come!

God, I remember longing for a night off, and when my stepdaughter was having a hard time after giving birth, the first thing I offered her was to sit up with the baby so she could get a full night’s sleep. I don’t think it’s that big an ask. It can make things seem manageable again.

When I had my babies in the 70s it was shortly after they dropped the 10 days in hospital to 5. All babies were taken to the nursery overnight and cared for by nurses to give mums a chance to recuperate. No one would have expected a mother who had a C Section to be caring for her baby by herself! I honestly think the maternity services and assumptions that young women now are expected to live by are quite harmful.

When my first granddaughter was born she stayed overnight with me from being 5 days old a couple of times a week to give her mum the chance to catch up on much needed sleep. There's nothing wrong with asking others to help, and a good nights sleep makes such a difference. This new concept that you have to do everything yourself or your a failure is just awful. Obviously some are able to do it, others need some help and there's nothing wrong with that.

Women used to be cared for at home by female family members throughout history, a recognition that there is a recovery period needed after going through labour and birth. Here's a bit on Wikipedia that explains about lying in (from 2 weeks to 2 months!).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lying-in

OP - your Mum was being mean, if you were mine your baby would be looked after all night whenever you needed it. I hope your recovery is quick.

After no other type of abdominal surgery would you be expected to go without sleep.

You aren't being unreasonable OP. I would have loved a night off with my second child after a prolonged and painful delivery.

@Thursday37

A newborn needs it’s mother, it’s very hard post birth but unfortunately a break isn’t part of the deal with the 4th trimester. Even with a partner it’s not normal to “have a break” from a newborn. The first 6 weeks are hard! It’s great that you have some help with the practical help at home as you definitely need that as a single parent post section, but the baby bit is yours alone I’m afraid. You’ll power through!

This. Sorry but you are being a little unreasonable..... you are the mother, this is your job not hers. She's old and tired. Don't know your mum but mine would struggle to cope with a sleepless night 😕

What my mum does when she helps with newborns (I have 3 kids ) Is she stays awake with them until a bit later (maybe like 1/2am?) so I can have a rest. When the baby wakes up then she will bring it to my room. It's just a couple of hours but it's nice to have a bed without the newborn (I cosleep)

Don’t feel bad; when my DS was about that age my mil send me to bed and looked after DS for a night as she could set how broken I was. I am forever grateful that she did that

You are not being unreasonable to ask. My first DD arrived via emcs after a 3-day failed induction. About the same time, a good friend of mine had abdominal surgery. She got 6 weeks of bed rest to recover. I obviously didn't. I remember wondering on what planet it's normal for someone to go through major surgery and then be handed a newborn to look after whilst being expected to recover. It's insane that this is expected of new mothers.

Op, it is perfectly normal to share the load in the first few weeks with a newborn. But for most women on here that load is shared with a husband / partner. Not sure why you've got so many comments from women last night criticising. I bet their husbands held the baby at some point in those two weeks.

It is a big ask from your mum though, so try to nap during the day as much as possible. My dad retired when I was pregnant with my first and he used to come to my house for a couple of hours during the day whole my Mum worked. As soon as he got hold of the baby my eyes were shut.

Your not a bad mum but it is a big ask. How old is your mum? Would she be capable of being up numerous times in the night to feed a baby?

Of course it's ok to ask for a night off. You don't have to martyr yourself for your child, you are still a human who needs to sleep and recover.

I'm sorry your mum laughed at you. If she won't do overnight ask her to take over while you have a nap during the day. At six days old there isn't much difference between night and day anyway, for the baby.

It's a big ask for your mum, especially at so early a stage. I get why you asked but I also understand why she said no.

I've had two sections and you do need to grab rest when you can - I was very strict second time round about having a daily nap while DC was asleep. If your mum can look after baby during the evening then go to bed so you get a decent chunk before the night wakes- yes it's crap but it's not forever. Make sure you are keeping on top of your painkillers and don't do too much too soon.

I think some.posters are being a bit harsh. I never had a night off, but for the first two weeks when DH was off work, he got the baby up in the night when she cried, gave her to me to feed, changed her nappy, and often was the one pacing round the room to get her back to sleep too. I can't be the only one that had this help during the night?

Is your mum helping at all during the night OP? She's not obliged to of course but I would have found it hard having no help at night at the start. After two weeks DH was back at work and I was on my own as he needed the sleep but it really helped at the beginning.

Hugs to you OP and congratulations on your lovely new baby

The early days are so brutal! When I felt awful and like I was going insane with lack of sleep, me and my partner did shifts - I'd go up to bed at 7/8pm and sleep till midnight/1am. Then he'd bring the baby up to me for the night and he'd go and sleep in another room so he was ready for work the next day. It know it still sounds like a longggg night but that block of 6 hours really made such a difference - I was still tired but not insane! Perhaps your mum could do something like that in the evenings? You have to be strict though and go straight to bed, no tidying or looking at your phone or anything else... Just sleep!

With my first, my husband did all feeds and care for our baby in the second night in hospital, and first night home (i was in the spare room). From then on, we either split the night in half (before and after 3am) or alternated nights. So even in the '4th trimester' I had the night off 50% of the time. She was with her equal parent.

My second was accidentally breastfed) long story) so I did so nights. Did it make me a better mother: no. Did it make me a less exhausted and less competent one: absolutely.

Given your mum has been sharing the load with you in much the same way a partner would, I don't think it's a huge ask, but equally, yes she can say no. If you were my daughter I'd have offered.