Is it normal to ask for a night off?

[ckw439]

Feeling very very guilty and like an awful mum tonight. I’m a single mummy, I have my mum staying over helping me out with the little one (she’s 6 days old) and she’s MASSIVELY taking the pressure off for me at the moment. I am recovering from a c-section so it’s been really difficult. Today I’m feeling really rubbish and my body is hurting, after all I’m recovering from a major operation, so I asked her if she would mind having my daughter overnight tonight in the next room to relieve a bit of pressure and allow me a night to recover and feel a bit more myself again. I probably wouldn’t have stuck the night out and would’ve caved and got her back in my room but I thought I’d ask anyway. She made me feel really guilty and laughed at me like I was silly for even suggesting it. I appreciate her help a lot anyway, she’s gone above and beyond this last week and I’m just a bit upset that she would judge me for asking for a little break. In an ideal world I would have my partner here helping me and giving me that break so I feel I shouldn’t feel guilty for suggesting it but now I just feel awful and like the worst mum in the world :( I’m not am i? 💔

I'm sure she wasn't judging you or laughing in a mocking way, she was probably trying to let you down gently by making light/joking about the request, but it came off wrong.

Glad you are OK now. Hormones are mental at this time and things which you wouldn't think twice about normally play over and over. I think feeling like a really awful mum unfortunately comes with being a good mum, as you care. I feel awful when my kids spend too much time with me and not seeing other kids, then when in crèche I feel awful that I'm working and not spending all their time with me. Solve that one your mum most likely wouldn't have meant it they way you felt it. She obviously cares enough to be there to help you during the day. If it helps the painful sleepless nights eventually become nice memories.

You’re not a bad mum at all. I’m sure most of us wanted a break at this point - but we didn’t get it. I don’t think your mums reaction was kind, she shouldn’t make you feel bad or foolish but I would also say you need to learn to cope as much as you can without a full night off. I think helping out with a night feed here or there would be good, but not a full night off at this point.

I was lucky my H took night duties for a few weeks to let me catch up on sleep and then we split the week between us. In my opinion it helped me bounce back and be a better parent. My sisters, mother, brother and sister in law all offered a hand and we gladly accepted a nights sleep over the the early months. Sleep deprivation on an going basis has serious health implications. I used to give the "night time angel" a dressing gown I had worn so the baby could sense me. I am the belief it takes a village! I did the same for my siblings when my niblings arrived- arrive in evening with dinner, and spend a night snuggling a little one. All turned into well balanced teens/kids and no bonding issues.

I was more wondering if I deserved to be laughed at for asking. I did not take her saying no badly, I took her judgement badly because it made me feel like a really awful mum. I'm ok now and over it.

Absolutely not! She shouldn't have laughed. And I said earlier you may have been a little unreasonable to ask for the whole night 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your mum should have answered differently, she should have said something along the lines of :" I would love to help, but it's too much for me to take on, I'm getting old and can't not sleep the night. I'll help you all I am able to during the day"

@Quartz2208

She didn’t laugh as a judgment on you it was I suspect a nervous response because she didn’t feel able to and didn’t want to let you down

This was my take on it also, just a kind of nervous response. Or a kind of 'this isn't how it works response'. Either way, I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you. But exhaustion and hormones can make feelings run high.

Perhaps you could ask her to have your baby for a few hours in the evening while you get an early night, and then she can bring baby to you when she goes to bed? So you'll have already had some rest before the night starts.

I have 4 children, all breastfed, so never had a night off, even after 4 c sections. However, I do have my husband who has been able to do other forms of settling/nappy changes etc. It must be hard on your own. I'm glad you have your mum to support you.

The first week is by far the worst after a section. Hopefully next week will be better! X

Yeah a cs is weird; it’s the only time you get literally torn apart right to your core and then everyone literally everyone expects you to carry on as normal doing baby related things.

It’s absolutely brutal.
Compared with a vag delivery it was fucking horrific.

There isn’t really anything anyone can do right now you just need to eat good food, rest as and when you can and wait for it to pass.

I do agree that your baby needs you not your mum (you're baby's safe place right now) but if you really can't cope it's best she helps you!

The fourth trimester is well researched, although people calling BS also probably tell themselves fed is better than breastfed, which again is factually incorrect.

Of course fourth trimester is a thing, but on that first night home my DD didn't have a clue who was there or care. DH had to set an alarm to wake and feed her cos she would have kept sleeping otherwise

One night when you're just home from major surgery and days of no sleep does no disservice to your baby. Quite the opposite I think. Fortunately I was able to express from get-go and had freezer supply, so DH could feed her fine and a few hours overnight made no difference to our feeding journey.

I actually think it's far more difficult to get a break overnight when they are a bit older and do want to be specifically with you because then you do feel guilty about it. As a very newborn in those early days, DD was just happy being held by whoever, whether it was me or her dad.

Oh and I've never loved my husband more than when he gave me those sweet sweet seven hours. It was on Valentine's Day too and the best gift anyone has ever had for sure

Congratulations on your new born. 100% the right thing to ask for help. If your mum cant do a full night could she for example do 8pm to 2am so you could have a solid 6 hours? I feel a solid sleep is a lot easier to achieve at night. My partner and u often give each other "a night off" helps both function better

I would do it for my daughter. But I know my mum wouldn't do it for me. My kids are 3 and 15m now and the only night she's ever had one of them was when I went into hospital to have the other one. She point blank refuses and if so love just one night off!
Hope you have a quick recovery.

OP your not a bad mum for asking. I’m a single parent too, DD is now 17months. I spent 4 nights in hospital, then had an emergency CS, and discharged within 24hours with no pain relief (hospital error). The first night I was home alone and it was horrific, I was in so much pain, could hardly move and ended up stuck and not able to get up and pick DD up. The second night my friend came and stayed over and took DD in with her in the spare room, I was so exhausted mentally and physically. I could barely move and needed the sleep to help me recover. I felt so guilty, but I wasn’t going to be much use to her the way I was, and she was only in the next room.

I hope you manage to get some sleep, I’m sure your mum didn’t mean to upset you, was probably wondering if you was serious. Congratulations on your newborn.

I really feel for you OP. I remember realising when dd was a newborn just how incredibly difficult it must be to be a single parent. I relied on dh's help so much in the first couple of weeks in particular. It will get easier though. Take care and be kind to yourself - and your mum!

In our mother and grandmothers days, women would give birth and stay in hospital for a fortnight and could sleep while their babies were in the nursery being looked after by nurses. It's shocking really to think how now women have to give birth or have a major operation and aren't even allowed one full night's sleep to recover

I completely agree @Comedycook

Op you were being perfectly reasonable to want a break. I would happily have one of my dgc at night to give their mother a chance to sleep and recover.

OP I think it was reasonable to ask. That said the first time my daughter spent the night at my mum’s was when she was about 3 months old. One evening both me and DH hit the wall with tiredness and patience. I remember I called my mum in tears to ask if she could have DD that night. She came straight over and scooped my baby up in one arm and gave me a big hug with the other

DH used to take DD into the spare room so I could sleep and bring her back for feeds.

There is a reason that extended families were important in childbearing. In many cultures new mothers are expected to rest and just breastfeed, everything else is done by family. Smaller nuclear families just means the pressures on new mums are often immense and most don’t actually get a chance to physically recover. You don’t get a badge for suffering. I do think that for many women these days its “do it all” not “have it all”.

@Comedycook

In our mother and grandmothers days, women would give birth and stay in hospital for a fortnight and could sleep while their babies were in the nursery being looked after by nurses. It's shocking really to think how now women have to give birth or have a major operation and aren't even allowed one full night's sleep to recover

This absolutely this. My in-laws came to stay after DD was born and expected me to cook some meals, DH went ballistic, I was still really weepy, fun times.

This absolutely this. My in-laws came to stay after DD was born and expected me to cook some meals

Ugh!

I had to leave hospital just two hours after giving birth...at midnight! There was an assumption from all the midwives that I couldn't wait to get home....back to my boisterous toddler and pile or laundry I'd have rather stayed in hospital for a night to be honest!

I’m not too sure about this, I understand you’re upset as she made you feel like an awful mum but really this thread is about making out she is the awful mum. Neither of you are. She’s doing a lot to help you, asking her to also have the baby over night on top of everything else was a bit much, however I understand why you asked, and I’m sure you understand she’s also tired too, trying to support you with your choices.

If she's doing everything in the day then you need to try and sleep in the day so your mum can have decent sleep at night. If she's having the baby all night too she won't be able to help as much in the day.

@ckw439 please stop allying yourself weak. You're not. It isn't weakness to ask for help

I think if you'd worded your OP differently you'd have had very different responses. No, it is not normal to get a break on night 6, but it is absolutely normal to WANT a break on night 6, and it definitely doesn't make you a bad mother. You sound very human and normal.

I didn't have my mother there to help me when I had any of my babies, despite having a very difficult birth with my first and being extremely ill in hospital for a week afterwards. She was too busy to come and visit, just as she was too busy for every other important moment of my life, even during childhood. But you can bet my fat arse that if she HAD been there, and I thought there was even a small chance she'd have taken the baby for the night, I'd have bitten her hand of for the chance.

Please look after yourself as best as you can, OP. Take whatever help you are offered, and if it's not enough, don't be afraid to ask for more. Please remember this - IT DOES GET EASIER. One day you'll be waving goodbye to your baby as they step out into the big wide world on their own. Right now, you just need to love them and keep them alive in whatever way you can.