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Parenting

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Starting to resent my OH because he's an absolutely useless parent

103 replies

Lafoosa · 26/02/2022 08:18

Title says it really.
I'm starting to really despise my OH because he's so useless, he can't think of anything by himself and I'm sick of having to basically do everything in terms of parenting because he's so thick.

He sleeps through our 2yo screaming when she's an inch from his face, gets pissy with me when I wake him up for help and equally if I don't. He never baths them unless I ask and his response is "what, by myself" as if it takes 2 of us to bath them 🙄
He's only ever taken them (both kids are 3.5 and 2) to the playground without me once ever and I had to nag him for weeks. If I'm working he never takes them out of the house, not to the playground, for a walk, to the shop, nothing.
He can't even competently get them dressed, every time I have to work in the morning and I come home he's dressed them in pyjama bottoms and a dress, claiming that clearly they go together when it just looks stupid and you don't have to be smart to know you don't put what's essentially jogging bottoms under a dress.
He's utterly useless at housework too, he spends upwards of 3 hours 'washing up' when there's not even that much to do and he's just watching videos on his phone. By the time he's 'finished' there's still half or more of the pots to wash, nothing in the kitchen has been wiped down or put away and the floor hasn't been swept. 3 hours! For what?
He complains all the time that he can't find his work clothes, or they're not clean, as if it's my job to wash them and it should be my priority. The machine is always empty when he gets home from work so he could take them off and put them straight in instead of dumping them in a random pile on the floor in a room where dirty laundry doesn't belong and expecting me to go and look for them.

He gets stressed out and pissed off if a room is messy and then starts kicking things around as if to make a point I've not done it yet instead of just doing it himself if it bugs him so much.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and have 2 toddlers, I haven't got the time or the energy to be doing everything for him and having to spell everything out for him.

Surely it's not normal for him to be so bloody incompetent. What kind of dad doesn't even bother taking their kids out by himself every once in a while? I've not had a break for 3 years, I'm exhausted and never get sleep. He just snores away and when we come downstairs in the morning he sits on the sofa and goes back to sleep like a useless little p*k.

I've spoken to him about how I feel and he always just makes it about how apparently I should have to ask him for every little thing if I want his help. No, I shouldn't have to ask him to tidy a room that HE is angry about being messy. If the room bothers him so much he should just sort it. I shouldn't have to ask him to take the kids out every time, he should actually want to and use his own initiative. He claims to be really intelligent because he knows lots of random facts but OMG he's so dense, he literally can't think for himself.

I'm so sick of it. Then he nags for sex 24/7 and says the normal amount couples have sex is twice a week so we should twice a week. I don't think I've ever met anyone with 2 toddlers who has sex twice a week, plus he's shit in bed and selfish because he always finishes first and that's it over so there's no point for me anyway. Plus why would I even want to when he's so useless at every other area of life? He literally nagged me for sex every day when I had an infection and was on antibiotics...

Don't really know what the point of this post is other than somewhere to rant.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/02/2022 08:22

He sounds disgusting, lazy, whiny and potentially violent - kicking things around
I am not sure what you as a wife or mum are getting from this relationship - I would be looking at options of leaving because he sounds appalling
He will never change - that’s so sad for you and the kids
What do you want to do?

rubyslippers · 26/02/2022 08:22

I’m not surprised you despise him

NoSquirrels · 26/02/2022 08:24

You’re right. He sounds awful. And a shit father too, which is at least honest if you because most posters say their crap male partners “are lovely and a great dad” when they’re clearly anything but.

What will you do? He’s unlikely to change for the better when you’ve got a third baby to deal with.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

spacehardware · 26/02/2022 08:25

I will of course be accused of victim blaming, but genuine question - knowing what a useless husband and father he is, why do you have three children with him?

He's not asleep when he's "asleep" with a toddler crying inches from his face. He's ignoring them. Basically he thinks all this is woman's work

NoSquirrels · 26/02/2022 08:28

My only slightly practical input is - has he been tested for sleep apnea? You say he can’t wake up, snores and falls asleep again easily. Does he have any risk factors - overweight etc?

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/02/2022 08:28

If he was realky this useless he'd have been dead befire you met him.

Hes taking hours for a mug. He is doing it badly so he doesn't have to do it.

Do you want 3 children or 4? That's the decision to make here.

Dump the 4th child. That ones optional

toomuchlaundry · 26/02/2022 08:32

I’m afraid I am also asking why have 3 children with him?

What is your financial position? Are you married?

ANameChangeAgain · 26/02/2022 08:32

I will of course be accused of victim blaming, but genuine question - knowing what a useless husband and father he is, why do you have three children with him? yes, you will be accused of victim blaming because that's what you are doing. Partners don't start off useless, they often start off charming until thier true colours gradually filter through.
Do you have options if you leave him @lafoosa?

BrutusMcDogface · 26/02/2022 08:34

Why the fuck are you with a man who you quite clearly despise?

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 26/02/2022 08:37

Assuming he didn't just suddenly start being useless when you got pg with this third baby?

Well, you could sit down and talk to him, come up with a rota for sharing chores, but it doesn't sound like he will change, does it?

Do you have money? Options? Who owns the house?

BrutusMcDogface · 26/02/2022 08:38

Ok, I’ve cross posted with a few people.

You might have limited options right now as you have two babies and another on the way.

So: you need to tell him straight that things need to change or it’s over. Give him a practical list he can work on, eg he baths the kids while you wash up, or something. If he doesn’t want to lose you he should step up.

I have to say, though; you sound like you absolutely hate him.

cutebutscary · 26/02/2022 08:39

Can you leave ? To stay with parents or friends or siblings or JUST ABOUT ANYONE EXCEPT HIM ? I honestly don't know how you are living . Or why you stay. Although the little ones are tiny now , you are teaching them what a normal relationship is and they might end up in the same predicament as you . It's funny isn't it , because read back through what you wrote. Imagine someone that you love had wrote it, what would you advise them?
Your life sounds just awful . He's horrible, he's a bully, he's pretending to be asleep by the way. He doesn't care about you . You deserve a million times better. Let him live in his own filth and make yourself happy Thanks

spacehardware · 26/02/2022 08:40

"Partners don't start off useless, they often start off charming until thier true colours gradually filter through."

I do not believe that he wasn't like this from the get go after child 1 was born.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/02/2022 08:41

I'm not surprised you hate him, but I am surprised you keep having children with him.

Cattitudes · 26/02/2022 08:41

As a start you need to say that he needs to do some things for himself so he does his own washing, feeds himself other than family meals, sorts his family's presents, essentially anything that he would need to do when if he were single.

After that you need to think about whether you can get yourself in a position where you can develop some financial independence, if you are not already so you have more options.

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/02/2022 08:42

I do not believe that he wasn't like this from the get go after child 1 was born

So?

Are you unable to think of any other reasons why situations like this occur?

spacehardware · 26/02/2022 08:43

Anyway what the OP is really asking here is 'how can I make my lazy neglectful bad parent of a partner into a loving attentive one?' and the answer is, she can't.

TracyMosby · 26/02/2022 08:43

If he was realky this useless he'd have been dead befire you met him
This! He is playing you. Training you to do everything and be so work down by it youre trapped. How did you end up with two toddlers and pregnant again? Im wondering if that was part of a trap too, ie you wont be able to leave him and so darent complain if you have three small children. What was it ‘condom failure’?

He isnt incapable of being an adult. He just doesnt want to be. He has no respect for you at all.

At this stage id go big. Do nothing for him. He does everything for himself.

Or have all the jobs that need doing writing down and highlight in two colours half each. Have times they are to be done in their too. Very explicit. Very detailed.

Id also be making extremely clear his inability to function as an adult has turned you right off him. This is not arousing for you at all. Do not expect sex if you cannot function as an adult.

spacehardware · 26/02/2022 08:45

I can think of plenty of reasons how this situation could occur, but as the OP has posted in parenting not relationships, and has given no indication of being abused, let's assume she has voluntarily had these babies with this useless lump eh

SoyMarina · 26/02/2022 08:46

What attracted you to him in the first place?
He's sounds either utterly selfish and cruel to not help you when it is clear it's all too much for one person or he could be depressed or on the spectrum?
His behaviour is too extreme to be just that of a spoilt male with a deeply entrenched belief in male/female stereotypes

HavfrueDenizKisi · 26/02/2022 08:49

God just get rid of him now. It will be best in the long run. He will never change and you will always resent him.

I'd tell him to move out personally.

WildWombat · 26/02/2022 08:52

Rant away. He's an arsehole and you deserve much better.

UnsuitableHat · 26/02/2022 08:52

Sounds like you might want to be thinking about a way out of this relationship. From what you’ve said, he won’t change and it’s repelling you.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 26/02/2022 08:53

I think you need to start taking some responsibility for your own life and how you've got into this mess and stop being so passive. You've chosen to have 2 children (and got pregnant with a third) with a useless pig of a man. I'm guessing this became apparent before you started having children or at least after the first baby was born. You're well aware that he will never change and that he sees you as a skivvy at best.

Start thinking about what you actually want in life. It will be much harder to leave and financially provide for yourself and three children (depending on your job) but it's not impossible. It would be easier if you have support from family/friends.

Yes, if you split he'd have to pay child maintenance but he sounds like a scrote who either wouldn't pay or would keep changing jobs or go "self-employed" to avoid paying. It doesn't sound like he'd bother seeing the children reliably either.

All you can do now is start making plans. Focus on what you can do to improve your situation. Build your confidence and self-esteem so that you raise your standards and never again stay in a relationship with someone who is such a waste of space.

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/02/2022 08:53

Your contempt for him is palpable. Sounds like you've reached the end of your tether. And the list of faults is quite long so I don't blame you.

What do you want to do, OP? Noone on here can wave a magic wand and transform him into father of the year so sometimes it's a choice of accepting that this is what it is and focusing on any good points for the time being or kicking him out. Easier said than done, I know.

Have you told him exactly how you feel, that he's a useless father, angry man and a crap lover? If that doesnt give him the impetus to change, nothing will.