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Parenting

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Starting to resent my OH because he's an absolutely useless parent

103 replies

Lafoosa · 26/02/2022 08:18

Title says it really.
I'm starting to really despise my OH because he's so useless, he can't think of anything by himself and I'm sick of having to basically do everything in terms of parenting because he's so thick.

He sleeps through our 2yo screaming when she's an inch from his face, gets pissy with me when I wake him up for help and equally if I don't. He never baths them unless I ask and his response is "what, by myself" as if it takes 2 of us to bath them 🙄
He's only ever taken them (both kids are 3.5 and 2) to the playground without me once ever and I had to nag him for weeks. If I'm working he never takes them out of the house, not to the playground, for a walk, to the shop, nothing.
He can't even competently get them dressed, every time I have to work in the morning and I come home he's dressed them in pyjama bottoms and a dress, claiming that clearly they go together when it just looks stupid and you don't have to be smart to know you don't put what's essentially jogging bottoms under a dress.
He's utterly useless at housework too, he spends upwards of 3 hours 'washing up' when there's not even that much to do and he's just watching videos on his phone. By the time he's 'finished' there's still half or more of the pots to wash, nothing in the kitchen has been wiped down or put away and the floor hasn't been swept. 3 hours! For what?
He complains all the time that he can't find his work clothes, or they're not clean, as if it's my job to wash them and it should be my priority. The machine is always empty when he gets home from work so he could take them off and put them straight in instead of dumping them in a random pile on the floor in a room where dirty laundry doesn't belong and expecting me to go and look for them.

He gets stressed out and pissed off if a room is messy and then starts kicking things around as if to make a point I've not done it yet instead of just doing it himself if it bugs him so much.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and have 2 toddlers, I haven't got the time or the energy to be doing everything for him and having to spell everything out for him.

Surely it's not normal for him to be so bloody incompetent. What kind of dad doesn't even bother taking their kids out by himself every once in a while? I've not had a break for 3 years, I'm exhausted and never get sleep. He just snores away and when we come downstairs in the morning he sits on the sofa and goes back to sleep like a useless little p*k.

I've spoken to him about how I feel and he always just makes it about how apparently I should have to ask him for every little thing if I want his help. No, I shouldn't have to ask him to tidy a room that HE is angry about being messy. If the room bothers him so much he should just sort it. I shouldn't have to ask him to take the kids out every time, he should actually want to and use his own initiative. He claims to be really intelligent because he knows lots of random facts but OMG he's so dense, he literally can't think for himself.

I'm so sick of it. Then he nags for sex 24/7 and says the normal amount couples have sex is twice a week so we should twice a week. I don't think I've ever met anyone with 2 toddlers who has sex twice a week, plus he's shit in bed and selfish because he always finishes first and that's it over so there's no point for me anyway. Plus why would I even want to when he's so useless at every other area of life? He literally nagged me for sex every day when I had an infection and was on antibiotics...

Don't really know what the point of this post is other than somewhere to rant.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 26/02/2022 10:06

@Beaconoflight

The more I was reading the more I was thinking : please don’t be pregnant, please don’t be pregnant…Sad you must have known he was useless at 1st child, why having so many with a poor excuse of a man
@Beaconoflight

As so many are sold a lie that having a 'partner' is something they must have so they put up with shit

TheVanguardSix · 26/02/2022 10:07

Stay in work, OP. Seriously. When you have this baby, go back to work in a few months. Get yourself independent. You'll thank yourself later, believe me. Don't succumb to the single mum, out of work, sitting alone around the house doing laundry with little ones under your feet.

At some point, LTB- seriously. He'll suck all the oxygen out of your life.
Please don't have baby number 4... with him. With someone else who is decent down the road? Yes. With him? No.
Start making a longterm exit plan.
And I repeat, stay in work after you have this baby. Get right back into the employment game when you can put your youngest in nursery (or study... get a degree!). You have got to protect yourself financially and your kids as well. Because he sure won't.
Get money smart. Start listening to podcasts about finances. Think about your financial future. You are young and you can do so so so so much to be a financially independent, secure woman. Being a mother to young children is so hard, but it doesn't have to stop you from achieving. Don't ever depend on ANY man or benefits. Trust me on this. Depend on you! Be your own strong rock.

Give yourself a life with movement and opportunity!

Krakenchorus · 26/02/2022 10:09

Please ignore posters who are telling you that you are in an inescapably bad situation. Of course you have options and you have your whole, wonderful life ahead of you. Get any benefits you are entitled to and get shot of the loser 'partner' who is sucking away your joy. You have a business to build and kids to raise and lots of good things ahead, along with the hard work.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

thehighsandthelows · 26/02/2022 10:11

Thank you for being honest and not making excuses for him - a refreshing change!! Comments saying 'why are you with him' are so pointless and unhelpful. As if in real life everyone can just pack a bag and start over 🙄. My advice would be to just focus all your energy on you and the kids. If he wants to be a useless slob, let him. Don't do anything for him - no cooking, laundry, sex. Keep conversations brief and pleasant then ignore - imagine he's a piece of furniture. Come up with a plan for the future and focus your energy on achieving your goals. You'll get there but sometimes you have to play the long game. Good luck ❤️

NowEvenBetter · 26/02/2022 10:15

@Blinkingheckythump

What do you expect to get from this thread?

You've got yourself into this situation and you need to get yourself out of it. You have to stop making excuses and start taking action. You chose to have 3 kids with a waste of space (planned or not number 3 is on it's way because you had sex without accurate protection) and now you're choosing to stay. I understand finances are difficult but you'd be entitled to benefits til you got on your feet. You need to be looking into options like this and taking responsibility for your choices.

This. There’s multiple threads every day by women who picked scum to reproduce with, and are teaching misogyny to their kids by example. Even worse in this case is the number of kids involved, and OP having zero legal protections, being legally single.

I hope this deadbeat keeps his dick away from women in future, but no doubt he’ll be on to making kid number 4, 5, 6 with some other women who fall for…whatever it is that’s appealing about him, in future 🤮

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2022 10:17

Op, once you've left him and got your life back on track, and you will, as you have your head screwed on - please can you somehow go in to schools and talk about your situation to teenage girls. So so many do what you've done. Most of us responding here are probably approaching middle age or already there mums, we don't need to take anything from your story, we've heard it a million times. But teenagers haven't. I can already see which girl in my dds primary school class will be you in fifteen years.

toomuchlaundry · 26/02/2022 10:20

You are young, you have been with the same person since you were 15, this is the only relationship you have known. You need to be strong and get in a position to be able to leave him, as unfortunately it is unlikely he will change. If he hasn't stepped up for the first 2 children he is unlikely to do so for the third.

ElfinsMum · 26/02/2022 10:24

Do you think he also might have ASD?

FennecShandDoesEverything · 26/02/2022 10:25

@arethereanyleftatall

Op, once you've left him and got your life back on track, and you will, as you have your head screwed on - please can you somehow go in to schools and talk about your situation to teenage girls. So so many do what you've done. Most of us responding here are probably approaching middle age or already there mums, we don't need to take anything from your story, we've heard it a million times. But teenagers haven't. I can already see which girl in my dds primary school class will be you in fifteen years.
I wish this thread could be mandatory reading for all the OPs who post "I'm 20, I live with my BF, I have a good career (Hmm) and I want to TTC right now". Because this is where many of them are heading.
NowEvenBetter · 26/02/2022 10:26

Wow. How insulting to autistic people.

NowEvenBetter · 26/02/2022 10:27

(To elfinsmum who seems to think being a sex pest, misogynist, deadbeat, violent, child neglecter means ‘autism’.)

3luckystars · 26/02/2022 10:28

It sounds like you really hate him. I think you need to really consider everything and make decisions about your children’s future because you are the only capable adult that can make decisions in this situation.

All the very best with the baby and your future.

WideOpenSpaces · 26/02/2022 10:35

Have my first LTB.
What a twat. You'd be so much happier without him.
Tell him to step up and be an adult or he's gone, and mean it !!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 10:39

Three under 5??? I thought you had two (must have misread the OP)

Jesus you are a braver woman than me…!
It must be so hard Flowers
I am about to have my first. my DH is showing minimal signs of being a D(ickhead)H(usband) and I am still on the fence about no 2!!!!

As other have highlighted there’s been some poor choices along the way but it is what it is…All you can do now is work to improve your (v unfortunate) situation going forward…

You have 2 choices as I see it…

  1. work with what you have got for now. Try find jobs he will do or you can make him do that help (cleaning the kitchen doing a load of laundry… whatever) and squirrel away cash while getting back into work asap and have a plan to leave in 2 years in or so.
  1. Leave now. As much as I hate to say it… Realistically you are a very good position right now to get a council house (pregnant + 2 small children) and just struggle through.

But you have to leave… he (&you) are going to be modelling terrible behaviour for your children which I am sure you don’t want for them in the future Sad

If nothing else please:

  • If you haven’t already done so stop having sex with him completely. And don’t start once this one is born.
Like literally NO SEX.
  • do not get involved with another man in any romantic way once you leave without doing something like the freedom program or addressing your standards for partners. Single mothers are even more vulnerable to abuse by men
Flowers
Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 10:40

@arethereanyleftatall
100% agree.

If I won the lottery I’d set up a charity to do EXACTLY this.

TracyMosby · 26/02/2022 10:48

Op, part of an abusers tactics is unwanted pregnancies, which is why I asked what failed. I assumed condom. Because i assumed him.

At least you have a clear head now and know who he is. Make your plan.

NowEvenBetter · 26/02/2022 10:51

@Totalwasteofpaper he has impregnated OP yet again, it says in the OP that she’s 32 weeks :(

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 11:00

[quote NowEvenBetter]@Totalwasteofpaper he has impregnated OP yet again, it says in the OP that she’s 32 weeks :([/quote]
So it's No 4?!?!?!

Minikievs · 26/02/2022 11:00

I would despise him too.
Talking as a single parent, your life would be easier if you left him. It's a lot easier and far less frustrating to clean up your own mess and the kids mess, rather than mess created by another adult.
In fact I guarantee there would be less mess if he wasn't there.
He sounds like an absolute arsehole and you have my sympathy.
My useless exh, despite still being a useless prick, is a far better father now he has them EOW.

NowEvenBetter · 26/02/2022 11:03

….what? The info is in the OP, you said you thought there were two kids involved in this.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 11:05

Re read... its 3... which is more than enough

Don't get caught with a 4th OP!!!

notthemum · 26/02/2022 11:09

@spacehardware

I will of course be accused of victim blaming, but genuine question - knowing what a useless husband and father he is, why do you have three children with him?

He's not asleep when he's "asleep" with a toddler crying inches from his face. He's ignoring them. Basically he thinks all this is woman's work

Exactly this.
WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 11:26

I am a single parent, I have been since I was a teenager.

I have no help from the dad or from family, I work full time and study.
My life is pretty hard compared to most people’s but it’s nothing compared to yours.

Having a partner should make your life easier, not more difficult.

You are a single parent anyway but you have the added stress of him on top.

I guarantee you that if you moved out, after a couple of weeks of adjustment, you will wonder why you didn’t do it years ago.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/02/2022 11:56

When did he become like this? Presumably he was like this before your children were born?

ChocolateMassacre · 26/02/2022 11:56

OK, honey, I have lots of sympathy with you, but I'm assuming you posted because you want something from this thread.

If you want confirmation that YANBU and he's a useless bastard, then I think you know that. Only he's not useless - he's lazy, manipulative and strategically incompetent. He's also an aggressive sex pest who treats you like a skivvy and a robot.

If you want views on what you should do, based on what you've written I can't see how you have a good future with this man. He's crossed the line into being emotionally and sexually aggressive. For him to transform into a decent human being would require a personality transplant. So LTB is the only long-term solution. In the meantime, you don't have to have sex with anyone if you don't want to. You have bodily autonomy. It's not some sort of marital right. Tell him no and, if he asks again, tell him to fuck off. Your body belongs to you.

As for leaving him, the next question is - now or later? If he was a nice guy and you had just fallen out of love, there might be something to be said for living separately in the house until the children are all school-age and making plans to leave then. But he isn't. He's an aggressive sex pest. For your own welfare, I think you need to make plans to leave sooner rather than later.

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