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Parenting

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Starting to resent my OH because he's an absolutely useless parent

103 replies

Lafoosa · 26/02/2022 08:18

Title says it really.
I'm starting to really despise my OH because he's so useless, he can't think of anything by himself and I'm sick of having to basically do everything in terms of parenting because he's so thick.

He sleeps through our 2yo screaming when she's an inch from his face, gets pissy with me when I wake him up for help and equally if I don't. He never baths them unless I ask and his response is "what, by myself" as if it takes 2 of us to bath them 🙄
He's only ever taken them (both kids are 3.5 and 2) to the playground without me once ever and I had to nag him for weeks. If I'm working he never takes them out of the house, not to the playground, for a walk, to the shop, nothing.
He can't even competently get them dressed, every time I have to work in the morning and I come home he's dressed them in pyjama bottoms and a dress, claiming that clearly they go together when it just looks stupid and you don't have to be smart to know you don't put what's essentially jogging bottoms under a dress.
He's utterly useless at housework too, he spends upwards of 3 hours 'washing up' when there's not even that much to do and he's just watching videos on his phone. By the time he's 'finished' there's still half or more of the pots to wash, nothing in the kitchen has been wiped down or put away and the floor hasn't been swept. 3 hours! For what?
He complains all the time that he can't find his work clothes, or they're not clean, as if it's my job to wash them and it should be my priority. The machine is always empty when he gets home from work so he could take them off and put them straight in instead of dumping them in a random pile on the floor in a room where dirty laundry doesn't belong and expecting me to go and look for them.

He gets stressed out and pissed off if a room is messy and then starts kicking things around as if to make a point I've not done it yet instead of just doing it himself if it bugs him so much.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and have 2 toddlers, I haven't got the time or the energy to be doing everything for him and having to spell everything out for him.

Surely it's not normal for him to be so bloody incompetent. What kind of dad doesn't even bother taking their kids out by himself every once in a while? I've not had a break for 3 years, I'm exhausted and never get sleep. He just snores away and when we come downstairs in the morning he sits on the sofa and goes back to sleep like a useless little p*k.

I've spoken to him about how I feel and he always just makes it about how apparently I should have to ask him for every little thing if I want his help. No, I shouldn't have to ask him to tidy a room that HE is angry about being messy. If the room bothers him so much he should just sort it. I shouldn't have to ask him to take the kids out every time, he should actually want to and use his own initiative. He claims to be really intelligent because he knows lots of random facts but OMG he's so dense, he literally can't think for himself.

I'm so sick of it. Then he nags for sex 24/7 and says the normal amount couples have sex is twice a week so we should twice a week. I don't think I've ever met anyone with 2 toddlers who has sex twice a week, plus he's shit in bed and selfish because he always finishes first and that's it over so there's no point for me anyway. Plus why would I even want to when he's so useless at every other area of life? He literally nagged me for sex every day when I had an infection and was on antibiotics...

Don't really know what the point of this post is other than somewhere to rant.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 26/02/2022 09:28

Poor choices.

Davethecat2001 · 26/02/2022 09:28

I'm amazed you'd want to have sex with such a repulsive, useless excuse for a man.. unless there is more to the story and you are somehow being coherced?

Lafoosa · 26/02/2022 09:30

@Totalwasteofpaper utterly useless, my daughter had colic, allergies, constipation, and screamed all the time. She's also got ASD and went through a development regression around 10 months, she cried none stop from birth to about 2, didn't talk until 3. It took my dad yelling at him multiple times for him to even bother trying to help when I'd been walking up and down for hours trying to settle her, basically getting myself past the point of tears because I was so tired and fed up with the crying. Even after he started helping try and calm her sometimes he didn't bath her until she was past a year, didn't take her to the park until she was 3, and sat around all the time playing Xbox.

He'd improved just enough by the time we had our second that I thought it would just get better from there and things would start looking good. But he completely relapsed on his behaviour after she was born, I had severe postpartum depression and my eldest was going through a phase where she screamed none stop. I had to deal with all the night wakings, early mornings etc, and he started playing Xbox constantly again, not helping out ever and just went back to how he used to be.
I'd considered leaving multiple times but felt I wasn't in a financial position to do it as I was a SAHM because both kids were so little still. I got a job earlier last year to try and get myself more independent and then accidentally fell pregnant again shortly after, and despite me not wanting to go through with it I felt like I had to because he wanted to keep it. It's taken me months to feel okay with having a third, and now it's only a few weeks until she's born and I'll have to wait another year or two to get back into full time work because I can't afford childcare and my eldest isn't mentally ready for school yet as she's at least 1.5 years delayed compared to others her age.
It's a shit situation and yes, I should've left ages ago as others have said. But hindsight is a b and when your partner starts to show improvement no matter how small you kind of get hopeful, even if it ends up being for nothing.
Short of just getting my tubes tied which I worry about as it can be bad for your health, I'll be doing absolutely everything to not have any more children. Including just not having sex because it's shit anyway.
Now the kids are in nursery twice a week so I'll have those 2 days to work on my business from home without interruption (apart from a newborn but they're easy compared to two toddlers). So hopefully I'll be able to start making enough to support myself better, it was going fairly well before but I had to stop because my OH didn't class it as a real job because it was also my hobby.

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MintJulia · 26/02/2022 09:31

@arethereanyleftatall

From personal experience - looking after children without the presence of a useless fucktard whom you despise, is a billion times easier and more pleasant than with one. Take one simple chore - the dishes - pre divorce id do these seething and resentful that it really wasn't my turn again, now I sing when I do them, perfectly happy.
Yes, to this. Life as a single mum, without selfish lazy manipulative ex, is sooooo much easier. Happy, well organised, peaceful. Have faith in your own abilities.
Anthurium · 26/02/2022 09:32

Solo mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor) so I do 100% all the time and everyday.

I can't relate to the resentment Op as I'm not in your situation, but who did you have 3 children with someone who has shown (most probably by the first one) that he isn't an equal partner.... A genuine question, not trying to berate you for your choices.

Chloemol · 26/02/2022 09:33

You have a choice

Talk to him, tell him this, agree a list of things he will do moving forward
Leave him
Put up with it if you don’t do either of the above and quit moaning

RampantIvy · 26/02/2022 09:35

It sounds like he is little more than a sperm donor.

I also agree with the snoring point and potential sleep apnoea, but it sounds like he would be in denial about that.

I have no advice, but hope you can find a way forward. And please sort out some watertight contraception after the baby is born.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2022 09:36

[quote Lafoosa]@Totalwasteofpaper utterly useless, my daughter had colic, allergies, constipation, and screamed all the time. She's also got ASD and went through a development regression around 10 months, she cried none stop from birth to about 2, didn't talk until 3. It took my dad yelling at him multiple times for him to even bother trying to help when I'd been walking up and down for hours trying to settle her, basically getting myself past the point of tears because I was so tired and fed up with the crying. Even after he started helping try and calm her sometimes he didn't bath her until she was past a year, didn't take her to the park until she was 3, and sat around all the time playing Xbox.

He'd improved just enough by the time we had our second that I thought it would just get better from there and things would start looking good. But he completely relapsed on his behaviour after she was born, I had severe postpartum depression and my eldest was going through a phase where she screamed none stop. I had to deal with all the night wakings, early mornings etc, and he started playing Xbox constantly again, not helping out ever and just went back to how he used to be.
I'd considered leaving multiple times but felt I wasn't in a financial position to do it as I was a SAHM because both kids were so little still. I got a job earlier last year to try and get myself more independent and then accidentally fell pregnant again shortly after, and despite me not wanting to go through with it I felt like I had to because he wanted to keep it. It's taken me months to feel okay with having a third, and now it's only a few weeks until she's born and I'll have to wait another year or two to get back into full time work because I can't afford childcare and my eldest isn't mentally ready for school yet as she's at least 1.5 years delayed compared to others her age.
It's a shit situation and yes, I should've left ages ago as others have said. But hindsight is a b and when your partner starts to show improvement no matter how small you kind of get hopeful, even if it ends up being for nothing.
Short of just getting my tubes tied which I worry about as it can be bad for your health, I'll be doing absolutely everything to not have any more children. Including just not having sex because it's shit anyway.
Now the kids are in nursery twice a week so I'll have those 2 days to work on my business from home without interruption (apart from a newborn but they're easy compared to two toddlers). So hopefully I'll be able to start making enough to support myself better, it was going fairly well before but I had to stop because my OH didn't class it as a real job because it was also my hobby.[/quote]
Awesome op. You're on the right track. Make everything you do now helps you to this goal. Stop doing anything for him. Stop having sex with him. Start hiding money away. Back to work as soon as you possibly can. Good luck. The good thing for you is that you know what you have to do, so many on mn don't see it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2022 09:36

What do you want to happen? He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to. So disregard that as an option. Do you want to break up with him? If so how hard is that to do practically? Are you married? What’s your housing situation? Do you have your own money?

I expect you’d find life easier without him in it, even if he left tomorrow. Is that what you want? Do you have other support for when you have this baby? Will you sort reliable contraception once it’s born?

Venting might make you feel a bit better in the short term but it’s not going to fix the mess you’re in.

Instead of fuming and staying with someone you obviously completely despise, make a list of what you want and what you need to do to get it.

pinkyredrose · 26/02/2022 09:37

Short of just getting my tubes tied which I worry about as it can be bad for your health

How is it bad for your health? Confused Having 3 kids with a useless man is bad for your health. Does he work OP? Wonder if he's as useless there,

He sounds awful, I'm surprised you could ever bear to open your legs for him. How old are you both?

Krakenchorus · 26/02/2022 09:38

I resent him and I don't even know him. YANBU, OP. He is a worthless, lazy, entitled piece of shit as both a partner and a father. You are his slave. He thinks you are far less important than he is. He does not care if you or his dc suffer as long as he is happy.

YABU to use language that excuses him or sanitises his intentions. He does indeed hear your 2 yo screaming in his ear, for example - he just ignores her. He can competently dress and bathe his children; he just doesn't want to.

He won't change.

So, what should you do now?

Lady0racle · 26/02/2022 09:42

Leave. I know it’s easy to say but I left my fucking awful ex when my DCs were 4 and 1. Being a single mum is tough at times but it is nowhere near as hard as living with a dead weight of a partner.

sausagesandchamp · 26/02/2022 09:43

Sorry, you made a really bad choice of man to father your kids and live with. ('Partner' couldn't describe him accurately.) Anyway- you have choices going forward though, to improve your life and your children's. Can he take shared paternity leave while you go back to work? When can you leave?
And stating the obvious- don't have sex with him.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/02/2022 09:50

It's insane you are on your 3rd child with this prick. Presumably you are an intelligent capable woman yet here you are on baby number three making it impossible for you to leave him or find another decent partner.
What man wants to take on three under 5s?
You will be left to live on benefits for years and years.
I'm afraid you have made your bed and you will have to lie in it until the kids have grown up.
Men never change so this is it I'm afraid.

pinkyredrose · 26/02/2022 09:50

According to your other threads you're 23 and have been with the twat since you were 15. So you don't know anything else relationship wise. There really is more to life than being with someone who has zero respect for you and who pesters you for sex

spacehardware · 26/02/2022 09:51

"I'm afraid you have made your bed and you will have to lie in it until the kids have grown up."

She definitely doesn't have to lie in it. Extracting herself from the relationship is a priority

GinGym · 26/02/2022 09:52

I could have written this myself a few years ago. I left after 20 years, 18 of them married. That was 2 years ago. He is still a useless dad. Doesn't pay child support, doesn't see them regularly, lets me down every time I ask him to look after them if I have plans, so I have stopped asking. Shows up every couple of months and throws his cash around. Kids have nothing but contempt for him. One has him on her phone as "sperm donor" and the other has him by his name, not dad.

Kids won't be this age forever. Make a plan in your head as to what you want. Once baby is here and you have recovered from birth set the plan out. Give him an ultimatum but you need to be prepared to stick to it. You are only one person and it takes 2 to make babies. Good luck x

Workinghardeveryday · 26/02/2022 09:55

He’s a lazy shit of a man.

If he isn’t working today I would be telling him you are off out for a coffee with friends or whatever you want to do.

Leave him to it with a list of detailed jobs. Don’t come home until kids are in bed.

Beaconoflight · 26/02/2022 09:55

The more I was reading the more I was thinking : please don’t be pregnant, please don’t be pregnant…Sad you must have known he was useless at 1st child, why having so many with a poor excuse of a man

Whatwouldscullydo · 26/02/2022 09:56

So what if she ends up on benefits ?

Plenty of people who work receive low incomes and get benefit top ups. We should be ashamed of a system that means you even need then as even working won't allow you to afford to live, not being on benefits while you raise small children.

Shes not stuck. She can leave. Many of us who were In situations where we felt trapped akd were financially reliant have managed to break free. And op can too!

What a horrid post

WetLookKnitwear · 26/02/2022 09:58

Do you have any family support?

PermanentTemporary · 26/02/2022 09:58

People change a lot between 15 and 23. It's not exactly uncommon to fall out of love with someone you liked at 15. That can happen anyway but he's enthusiastically helping the process along.

I would have a chat with your GP about contraception post baby. You're young and fertile and stuff happens - I wouldn't risk it again, call it life insurance. You have a plan, that's great. And at least a dad who's helpful, can you stay with him for a bit? Get a rest.

Lady0racle · 26/02/2022 10:01

If she’s on benefits for a few years then so what? Benefits will give her the breathing space to recover emotionally from life with her ex, look after her children and get back on her feet. Don’t write the OP off.

Blinkingheckythump · 26/02/2022 10:02

What do you expect to get from this thread?

You've got yourself into this situation and you need to get yourself out of it. You have to stop making excuses and start taking action. You chose to have 3 kids with a waste of space (planned or not number 3 is on it's way because you had sex without accurate protection) and now you're choosing to stay. I understand finances are difficult but you'd be entitled to benefits til you got on your feet. You need to be looking into options like this and taking responsibility for your choices.

BrutusMcDogface · 26/02/2022 10:03

Your latest post is encouraging, OP. You have a plan. Please stick to it! In the mean time you really need to tell him to buck up, though. Don’t give him the choice.

One day he’ll wake up and realise what an utter shit he was to you, but you’ll be long gone by then and you will be so much happier. Flowers