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Original poster

Disappointed with partner not stepping up with new baby

109 replies

Choppies · 11/02/2022 13:15

Name changed as partner knows my MN name.

When pregnant everyone would say how DP would make such a good dad and I though they were right. To me he has always been so kind and caring and always fully pulls his weight around the house and has a responsible job. We were already engaged and I thought I had really picked a good-un. Baby was planned and he was super excited but since she’s here (she’s quite a high needs baby but nothing super unusual!) I’ve been really disappointed with him and it’s affecting our relationship. He can’t handle it if she cries or gets upset and will just put her down in her cot and walk away rather than try to settle her and he gets really annoyed at any signs of her fussing. It means I can never switch off and am doing all the night shifts. Even having a shower while he watches her ends in me coming out after ten mins to her crying in her cot.

He would never hurt her but I am just super sad that with me being on maternity I’m the default parent 24/7.

Please offer advice - I can’t talk to anyone in real life as he would be super upset as I know he is disappointed in himself too. Any suggestions to help him get more patience with her?

OP posts:
NameChangeNymph · 11/02/2022 13:21

How old is your daughter? Sounds like this is your first child. It's such a big adjustment becoming a parent, it can easily become overwhelming. I'm not making excuses for him as I obviously don't know either of you or your full situation, but women aren't the only ones who can suffer from post-natal depression.

Have you spoken to him about how he's feeling? As you'll know yourself, it's physically and emotionally draining looking after a baby.

You say he's always been caring and considerate within your relationship so if his behaviour seems out of character it's probably because he's struggling with his new role as a Dad and the responsibility it brings.

fullofpips · 11/02/2022 13:24

Sorry to hear this. How old is she?

My daughter despised my husband when she was a newborn, I think it's a pretty common situation. They go through phases of only having eyes for mum, especially when they're tiny. Wonder if it's worth him wearing one of your shirts while holding her to help get her used to him? Or him wearing her in a sling when you go for walks?

It could also be worth him reading some articles about typical baby behaviour, particularly reading up on things like PURPLE crying. When I wanted to take a shower, my husband would sometimes play music and dance with her or put on 5 mins of baby sensory on YouTube (depending on her age) which was really interesting to her.

Sometimes dads just have a really hard time adjusting, they didn't experience 9-10 months of growing a baby so it can be hard for them to 'connect' with the baby straightaway. He may be feeling frustrated that he can't calm her down (especially if she calms down immediately when you pick her up, like mine would!) but it's so so normal. I would absolutely broach it with him but keep in mind he's probably feeling pretty crap about it all too. I would also reintroduce him helping with night shifts, even if it's him doing the nappy changes and you do the feeds - if he never helps at night, it does start a slippery slope (mine is 16 months and I'm still doing all night shifts because it was easier for me to just bf her back to sleep but now mine won't even entertain her dad between the hours of 7pm-7am 😂)

Twixie2022 · 11/02/2022 13:27

Firstly congratulations on your new baby!
Secondly, it might be worth mentioning it to a GP or health visitor how your DP is finding/dealing with parenthood. PND can affect men too not just women. If your saying he is aware and disappointed in himself also it could well be this. Also it could be the lack of confidence of how to settle baby/deal with baby. I hope you figure it out together. Xx

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Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 13:32

Thanks everyone for replies! She’s 4 months. He won’t go to the GP sadly but he’s been reading lots of parenting books which I think can’t hurt.

I think you are right that it’s tough for him that she prefers me (as I have the milk haha) and that I need to break the cycle of reinforcing that. I think he would be up for a night shift tag team so maybe I will suggest it this weekend!

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Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 13:35

I would have a talk with him, and say you noticed he's doing this, and it's really making life hard for you, as you don't get a break. So how is he feeling about parenting in general, and what can you jointly do about this problem. Make it an option discussion.

I disagree with the PP that some babies will only be settled by their mothers, I think this simply happens because it's a default, plus some mother's prefer to be their babies sole go-to.

Treat it as a problem to be jointly solved. But be absolutely hardcore about solving it. There are countless relationships that are egalitarian till kids come along, and suddenly turn as sexist as hell. Don't let yours be one of them.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 13:36

OPEN discussion, not option!

AndSoFinally · 11/02/2022 13:38

I'm not making excuses for him as I obviously don't know either of you or your full situation, but women aren't the only ones who can suffer from post-natal depression.

Women really are the only ones who suffer post-natal depression, being the only ones who are actually post-natal.

Men can suffer depression after becoming a father, but we just call that 'depression'.

(Sorry, this is my current bugbear after our trust suggested extending our PND service to include men. Er, no. 😡)

Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 13:53

I think the issue isn’t his desire to help - it’s that as soon as she cries he just sees red and puts her down and walks away. So I can’t go for a jog or have a nap or a break ever. I don’t know how to help him get past this road block : (

I encourage him to take the lead when we are together and don’t tell him he’s doing it wrong or whatever but if I go to collect a parcel the chances are I am coming back to him annoyed at her and himself and her crying in her cot :(

OP posts:
Goooglebox · 11/02/2022 13:54

Can he just go and push a pram around the streets rather than holding her in the house? It does sound claustrophobic if he's not coping and he's just a place saver until you return and they both know it.

Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 13:55

@Luredbyapomegranate - that’s what I’m worried about! I don’t want this to be the first step to marriage from the 50s where I am rubbing around after kids like a blue arsed fly and he’s off playing footie as he ‘needs down time’

But at the same time I don’t think it’s deliberate and what to help him

OP posts:
Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 13:56

@Goooglebox - outdoors is a good suggestion!

OP posts:
Queeniepies · 11/02/2022 13:57

Typical man thinking he can just 'opt out' of doing parenting when it's hard. Shame that women don't have that option.

Queeniepies · 11/02/2022 14:01

He doesn't sound like a very good dad, either, just dumping a crying baby in her cot because he can't be arsed

Gregan · 11/02/2022 14:02

I remember feeling so angry and resentful at DP when our DD was born. I felt like you - he couldn’t cope with her and I was constantly having to step in. I then read an article online (haven’t been able to find it since) that basically said as a Mum you had to have a crash course in parenting and Dads journey is much slower as they are out working and at home you’re there so they don’t get the same opportunity to parent 1-1. I had to take a massive step back and let him make his own mistakes to find out what worked for him and DD. It’s very hard especially when you know exactly what to try to get baby to settle but it helped to leave the house even small amounts of time (10 mins to the shop for milk etc) and build it up. Do you think he would really leave baby to cry for half an hour in her cot or if no one was there to step in would he try a different tactic eventually?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/02/2022 14:03

I'd just say "what would you do if I did the same?"

NameChangeNymph · 11/02/2022 14:23

@AndSoFinally the term 'postnatal' is defined as 'after birth'. Both parents are effected after the birth of a child, not just the mother/birth giver/person who birthed, however you choose to put it.

This isn't a feminist argument or one of political correctness, it's a fact.

bonetiredwithtwins · 11/02/2022 14:25

To be honest it sounds normal - my DH left all parenting to me largely in the first months - including with my twins. He'd get frustrated as clearly all they wanted was me and I think it knocked his confidence as he thought he was just doing it wrong and they didn't like him. The twins were premature and one half the size of the other and it was a long time before he was comfortable holding her.
Most fathers come into their own around 12 months once the little one is bombing around and wanting to be played with etc

AndSoFinally · 11/02/2022 14:29

*the term 'postnatal' is defined as 'after birth'. Both parents are effected after the birth of a child, not just the mother/birth giver/person who birthed, however you choose to put it.

This isn't a feminist argument or one of political correctness, it's a fact.*

I'm not saying fathers can't become depressed in the postnatal period, I'm saying that we don't call that postnatal depression.

PurplePansy05 · 11/02/2022 14:32

I think he needs more bondin time with her, 1-2-1. Skin to skin is still great at this age. Get him to do things with her regularly, baths, swimming classes, walks. They need to get used to each other and eventually he won't be walking away from her when she's being challenging because he'll know her and he'll know what to do and will get on with it. It could be so many different things, maybe he's lazy, maybe impatient, maybe he has some MH issues (anxiety or depression), but it strikes me that he might not know what to do and that maybe a screaming baby isn't what he's prepared for. It's hard to prep for a FTM or a FTF. Good luck, OP Flowers

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/02/2022 14:37

Most fathers come into their own around 12 months once the little one is bombing around and wanting to be played with etc

If you let them get away with shying away.

Seriously, they sooner they bathe them, change them, take them for a walk, the sooner they get used to it.

Practice will increase their confidence.

girafferafferaffe · 11/02/2022 14:39

My h used to dance around the kitchen singing with dd when she was tiny and wouldn't stop crying. He had to find totally different ways to calm her instead of what I did.
He needs to figure out his own way instead of just dumping her in her cot to cry. Can you have a gentle chat with him and ask him if everything is okay?

Pembertonrd · 11/02/2022 14:44

It's so tricky.
I bf both mine.
My ds, first dc, would go to dh anytime no problem

Dd would come to me only for the first 7 months.

We were lucky we had ds first as I think it would have knocked dh's confidence if his first experience of fatherhood was of a baby that wouldn't settle for him.
As for putting baby in cot and walking away that's far better than getting frustrated whilst holding baby.

fairlygoodmother · 11/02/2022 14:56

Would he go to parenting classes? It sounds like he needs to learn some techniques and strategies. It’s easy to leave it to you because you’re better at it, but then that become a self-fulfilling prophecy…

Queeniepies · 11/02/2022 15:01

Mums have no choice but to be 'good' at dealing with a baby. It's totally unfair how so many fathers act this way

Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 15:01

He does loads with her and does bedtime every day so he’s not shirking in that sense but if she cries then he just shuts off. He is trying :(

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