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Original poster

Disappointed with partner not stepping up with new baby

109 replies

Choppies · 11/02/2022 13:15

Name changed as partner knows my MN name.

When pregnant everyone would say how DP would make such a good dad and I though they were right. To me he has always been so kind and caring and always fully pulls his weight around the house and has a responsible job. We were already engaged and I thought I had really picked a good-un. Baby was planned and he was super excited but since she’s here (she’s quite a high needs baby but nothing super unusual!) I’ve been really disappointed with him and it’s affecting our relationship. He can’t handle it if she cries or gets upset and will just put her down in her cot and walk away rather than try to settle her and he gets really annoyed at any signs of her fussing. It means I can never switch off and am doing all the night shifts. Even having a shower while he watches her ends in me coming out after ten mins to her crying in her cot.

He would never hurt her but I am just super sad that with me being on maternity I’m the default parent 24/7.

Please offer advice - I can’t talk to anyone in real life as he would be super upset as I know he is disappointed in himself too. Any suggestions to help him get more patience with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 15:02

I’ve looked into parenting classes but it’s all referrals here from SS and I don’t want to go down that route… can you self refer or do them privately?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 11/02/2022 15:08

Can he try some headphones or ear plugs? Is it just that noise that affects him to the point that he cant think...

(I know I get that sometimes now with older dc that I didn't get with tinies)

PinkSyCo · 11/02/2022 15:12

I don’t know why your partner’s getting so much sympathy on here when he doesn’t even attempt to placate his crying daughter. I would be really pissed off by that, but also worried that he ‘sees red’ when the baby fusses. I would be worried to leave her with him (even if he let me) and I could not live with someone I could not trust around my child.

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Candleabra · 11/02/2022 15:14

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'd just say "what would you do if I did the same?"
Well quite. People have such low standards for men. You actually wrote in your OP that you don’t think he will hurt her. As though that is something to be grateful for. Another useless man who is opting out of the shit bits of life. Sure, he’ll come into his own when he can play with the child…..
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/02/2022 15:16

Does he find other loud noises difficult to manage?

It's very selfish that he is allowing his hatred of her crying to cause her additional suffering by not just getting on with it and trying to comfort her

Lifeslooser · 11/02/2022 15:25

We can’t all be great at everything, I’d pick up the slack if he can’t cope, but only if you know he’d pick up the slack in areas you lack, having a baby is a tag team.

Lifeslooser · 11/02/2022 15:28

Maybe the crying affects him, the noise can be uncomfortable. I hate the sound of babies crying, it goes through me like pain and triggers something in me. My babies weren’t criers, but I also went out my way to make sure they where always comforted to avoid it in the first place. He needs to deal with it to learn the tactics to get her to feel comforted quicker so she doesn’t cry for long.

Queeniepies · 11/02/2022 15:29

@Lifeslooser and what if the OP 'couldn't cope' too? She'd have no option but to get on with it

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/02/2022 15:31

@Lifeslooser

We can’t all be great at everything, I’d pick up the slack if he can’t cope, but only if you know he’d pick up the slack in areas you lack, having a baby is a tag team.
I'd suggest this with regards to domestic chores, but this is a living thing. His offspring. How is she going to feel in 20 years time when she has no bond with her dad because he realised "DIY was more his thing"
Thewindwhispers · 11/02/2022 15:36

Honestly most men are like this. They just aren’t as good with babies as women are. We’re brought up to expect equality and that men will be brilliant at babycare, but it isn’t reality, frankly. I’m sure a zillion mumsnetters will be on shortly to boast about their angelic husbands, but the simple truth is that the vast majority of men are crap with babies, they don’t have the patience or the empathy for it. Also the baby wants the one with the boobs that smells mist familiar: to the baby parents are not equal, one parent it lived in for 9 months and now smells of yummy food and the other parent it just met and smells unfamiliar. Sometimes the baby may cry with its dad just because it wants mummy back.

He will be a great dad once your child is running around kicking a ball and tickling etc but at the very small baby stage, and the best path to not wanting to kill your husband is to expect him to be crap at this.

Worryworry887 · 11/02/2022 15:42

I’m breastfeeding so am in the same situation with my 8 weeks old (apart from my husband doesn’t leave her crying) in that I do most of the childcare, apart from an hour a week when I take my oldest swimming, and when I have a shower etc. I’ll be starting up running again soon so he’ll have her then as well. However, I’m fine with this as realistically as I’m breastfeeding I knew she would need to be with me the whole time. He does other stuff like now does all the cooking and more jobs around the house so we are still ‘50/50’. Agree with PP that realistically if you are breastfeeding they are limited in what they can do when the babies are tiny and it was better for us to realise that from the outset.

Worryworry887 · 11/02/2022 15:45

I’ve heard some stories about couples forcing themselves to be 50/50 with the baby ie the woman doing breastfeeds at night, and then the husband waking up at the same time to wind the baby afterwards 🤷‍♀️. Don’t see the point of that as why would you want both of you tired? Better to get him doing other jobs e.g more of the cooking and cleaning etc

PinkSyCo · 11/02/2022 15:46

Maybe the crying affects him, the noise can be uncomfortable. I hate the sound of babies crying, it goes through me like pain and triggers something in me.

No one likes the sound of a crying baby. It’s supposed to affect you and make you feel uncomfortable so that it jolts you into action!

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 15:54

[quote Choppies]@Luredbyapomegranate - that’s what I’m worried about! I don’t want this to be the first step to marriage from the 50s where I am rubbing around after kids like a blue arsed fly and he’s off playing footie as he ‘needs down time’

But at the same time I don’t think it’s deliberate and what to help him[/quote]
Approach it like that and I think you will be OK!

I’m sure it isn’t deliberate, but it slips into women’s work so easily and so frequently, so you just have to hold your line, and I think that you can say quite straightforwardly that you know how kids can push relationships into a gender divide, and you will not let that happen, so between you, you gotta fix it. Which may include help for him if he’s depressed of course, but you can work on depression while being an involved parent.

Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 15:55

Headphones is a really good idea! (I needed people who have slept to engage their brains for me!)

He is doing more around the house to make up for it and doing lots of overtime (not shirking - we need the money!).

I think there is some truth in just resigning myself for a while - she already cries much less than she did with colic. I know men should be better but i want to stick with him. He’s a great support to me and life would be ten times harder without him

OP posts:
Original poster
Choppies · 11/02/2022 15:57

@Luredbyapomegranate he is great at shopping for her and sterilising stuff and giving bottle at bedtime (otherwise she’s breastfed) and stuff so I am trying to avoid default parent like the plague (the crying thing can’t be an issue forever right??)

When do they stop crying all the time?? When they can talk??

OP posts:
Queeniepies · 11/02/2022 15:59

Ahhh, bless men 'not being good with babies' 🙄

Flittingaboutagain · 11/02/2022 16:01

I am ebf and we do tag team nights here in between feeds I go in the spare room. Has he learned any soothing techniques? Loads of you tube videos he can watch to help him. He needs to learn his own positions, voice tone, bouncing and rocking etc.

Worryworry887 · 11/02/2022 16:02

It’s hard as I think when you are exclusively breastfeeding you are the default parent really. Once you stop breastfeeding and they are older you shouldn’t be anymore!

Queeniepies · 11/02/2022 16:04

The problem with the breastfeeding mum being the default parent is it rarely changes as the baby/child becomes the mothers job in the eyes of many fathers

MonicaGellerBing · 11/02/2022 16:05

Shame you wouldn't get the option to just walk away when she cries and leave her to someone else like he does. He sounds a peach 🙄

Worryworry887 · 11/02/2022 16:13

@Queeniepies yeah, I get that, but with exclusive breastfeeding, I don’t get how you can not be the default parent, at least until they stop cluster feeding or take a bottle. Especially if they feed for comfort/feed to sleep as mine do. I tend to just hunker down and accept that, maybe I shouldn’t! I’m not the default parent for our older child! He currently makes all her meals and does all nursery pick ups and drop offs…although of course she does have days when she just wants to play with mummy

Heidi451 · 11/02/2022 16:15

@Thewindwhispers

Honestly most men are like this. They just aren’t as good with babies as women are. We’re brought up to expect equality and that men will be brilliant at babycare, but it isn’t reality, frankly. I’m sure a zillion mumsnetters will be on shortly to boast about their angelic husbands, but the simple truth is that the vast majority of men are crap with babies, they don’t have the patience or the empathy for it. Also the baby wants the one with the boobs that smells mist familiar: to the baby parents are not equal, one parent it lived in for 9 months and now smells of yummy food and the other parent it just met and smells unfamiliar. Sometimes the baby may cry with its dad just because it wants mummy back.

He will be a great dad once your child is running around kicking a ball and tickling etc but at the very small baby stage, and the best path to not wanting to kill your husband is to expect him to be crap at this.

^^^^ This. In all but some parts of the Western world, most man on this earth do no hands on parenting of infants whatsoever, and neither would they want or be expected to.

He will probably be great as she gets a bit older.
I had a great dad, but when my mother left us, if my baby brother cried, my Dad would join in! He couldn't deal with the crying. But he was a fantastic Dad for the rest of his life.

HappyAsASandboy · 11/02/2022 16:21

My husband was the same with all four of our babies. He just can't work out what to do, and so he ignores the "problem" Hmm

I took over all baby duties, night and day, which is exhausting. That meant I didn't have time for washing/cooking/dishwasher/hoovering/tidying, particularly with the first two as they were twins, so DH had no choice but to pick up all of the domestic shit.

He's a good dad to our children, just not good with the softer side of parenting and figuring out what they need. We had two more babies after the twins, and just knew that the division of labour would be me doing 99.9% of baby duties and him stepping up elsewhere.

Different skills make a good team. Talk to him, accept his weaknesses as well as the rest of him, and jointly figure out a way he can contribute to the family so that you don't feel like it's all on you.

Deep breath, and don't make any big decisions while you're both knackered, hormonal, and undergoing the biggest transition of your marriage. You're a team with different skills, in it for the long haul. Doesn't matter if one has to pull more of the load, or a different part of the load, for a while as long as it evens out over time and feels fair to you both.

Queeniepies · 11/02/2022 16:25

God, the prissy, men excusing, martyr posts are depressing