Disappointed with partner not stepping up with new baby

[Choppies]

Name changed as partner knows my MN name.

When pregnant everyone would say how DP would make such a good dad and I though they were right. To me he has always been so kind and caring and always fully pulls his weight around the house and has a responsible job. We were already engaged and I thought I had really picked a good-un. Baby was planned and he was super excited but since she’s here (she’s quite a high needs baby but nothing super unusual!) I’ve been really disappointed with him and it’s affecting our relationship. He can’t handle it if she cries or gets upset and will just put her down in her cot and walk away rather than try to settle her and he gets really annoyed at any signs of her fussing. It means I can never switch off and am doing all the night shifts. Even having a shower while he watches her ends in me coming out after ten mins to her crying in her cot.

He would never hurt her but I am just super sad that with me being on maternity I’m the default parent 24/7.

Please offer advice - I can’t talk to anyone in real life as he would be super upset as I know he is disappointed in himself too. Any suggestions to help him get more patience with her?

@HappyAsASandboy totally agree - a team with different skills sums it up. Apart from cutting off my boobs and attaching them to my husband I’m unsure how to get round the breastfeeding one! Haha

Post natal depression applies to both women and men. We don't realise it often enough but men may experience some difficulties when becoming dads. And some men, although loving and caring, may find bonding with baby difficult. It is all very normal. He just needs to be totally open and honest about his thoughts and feelings. It would be great if he could speak about it with health visitor.
He may think that baby dislikes him ( which is not true and he needs to be reassured about it), he may think that he was doing something wrong (again, not true, needs to be reassured).
I'm sure he is going to be a great, helpful and involved dad once things about fatherhood, bonding, baby's natural reactions are properly explained to him and once someone ( preferably professional) will listen to his concerns.

@Karenina40 and what if a woman struggles to bond? Can she just walk off and leave everything to someone else?

@Thewindwhispers

Honestly most men are like this. They just aren’t as good with babies as women are. We’re brought up to expect equality and that men will be brilliant at babycare, but it isn’t reality, frankly. I’m sure a zillion mumsnetters will be on shortly to boast about their angelic husbands, but the simple truth is that the vast majority of men are crap with babies, they don’t have the patience or the empathy for it. Also the baby wants the one with the boobs that smells mist familiar: to the baby parents are not equal, one parent it lived in for 9 months and now smells of yummy food and the other parent it just met and smells unfamiliar. Sometimes the baby may cry with its dad just because it wants mummy back.

He will be a great dad once your child is running around kicking a ball and tickling etc but at the very small baby stage, and the best path to not wanting to kill your husband is to expect him to be crap at this.

Are you actually serious? The way not to be annoyed that your lazy husband is a waste of space father is not to expect anything else?!

I’m speechless.

What a depressing thread

OP it’s fine to have higher standards than some of the women on here. Men can be good with babies-it’s down to what they choose to make some effort with.

I think getting him to take the baby out might help? Maybe for short periods to start and perhaps in a sling so they are close to each other.
Is there a class or somewhere he could take the baby too? I dragged my DH to a baby massage class and it was really good for them to bond, and he also took my baby to Bookbugs in the library starting just a bit older than 4 months.

Equality and sharing equally sounds good in theory but when one of you has the breasts and milk it doesn't work well in practice...I do think it can be hard for partners when they don't have that magic tool mothers have.

Post natal depression applies to both women and men
I will totally accept that men can experience depression after the arrival of the baby. They have not given birth to anything though so I don't accept that PND is the right term.

Post natal depression applies to both women and men

No it effing doesn't.

@Karenina40

Post natal depression applies to both women and men. We don't realise it often enough but men may experience some difficulties when becoming dads. And some men, although loving and caring, may find bonding with baby difficult. It is all very normal. He just needs to be totally open and honest about his thoughts and feelings. It would be great if he could speak about it with health visitor. He may think that baby dislikes him ( which is not true and he needs to be reassured about it), he may think that he was doing something wrong (again, not true, needs to be reassured). I'm sure he is going to be a great, helpful and involved dad once things about fatherhood, bonding, baby's natural reactions are properly explained to him and once someone ( preferably professional) will listen to his concerns.

What an utterly depressing post.

He needs reassurance? So not only should the mother take on all the caring duties so he can walk away when it all gets too much she should also be sure to make him feel really good? Who the fuck is there for her? The person who has actually made and squeezed out a baby?!

Men need to step up. Woman have no choice.

Might be helpful for him to have a list of things to try if she cries that he decides on but you help him with.
Head phones are a good option.
Could be things like
1st five mins upright bouncing and patting,.2nd 5 mins holding in tiger pose rubbing back...using soother etc etc. The thing is at this point he can put her in a cot and that is safe option if feeling ragey....but kids will continue to cry fairly frequently and he needs to establish a tolerance to it because you can't never be able to do anything for ever.

A breastfed baby still needs so much more than just a feed-
Cuddles
Skin to skin
Bath
Walk
Singing
Nappies
Massage

Please don't assume that because only one parent can do the feeds, they then need to be the default.

@HappyAsASandboy thanks I needed to hear that! He is great at everything else!

He has tinnitus which is maybe why it’s the crying that triggers him??

@Queeniepies, sure, some women struggle with bonding too, some women do abandon their babies, some women do suffer from post natal depression, even commit suicide....it is all about recognising signals, siigns and getting the appropriate help for mums and dads without being judgemental.....

@Iggi999 yes, you put it better. Thank you. I should correct myself: men can experience depression or/and some difficulties upon the arrival of new baby. Probably the term of post natal depression is not the correct to use for men/dads.

My husband was the same OP and whilst he didn't put them down to cry he'd immediately come and find me because "I was better at it". Truth is they did cry less with me and I hated to see them unhappy so I took over and now they're older he has rewritten history and said the other day he wishes we'd had one more as he didn't get a look in for the first few months. Grrrrr....

Anyway my advice is talk to him, remind him it's not personal and that he needs to try harder because she needs him to try and so do you. Looking back I wish I'd done this instead of being the default parent, a role I have even now. I look back on those baby days with such fondness and wish it was the same for dh, but he stepped back not up and missed out.

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/sep/04/fathers-men-get-posnatal-depression-too

I found this article, perhaps it is not totally wrong 🤔

I totally understand the desire for everything to be "fair", and for both parents to get on with it because why should either get to "cop out", but sometimes life doesn't work that way in a marriage.

I am excellent at booking holidays and packing for them and remembering everything a family of six will need and thinking through every possible situation. DH is not. On the flip side, DH is great at going home early on the last night to pack up, relentless in just doing what needs to be done to make us ready to leave, and pulls his weight while we're away. I've never felt the need to make him learn to book good family holidays, and he's never made me feel inadequate because I am useless at packing up at the end of holidays. We're a great team!

I am good at planning Christmas. I create traditions for the kids and make them happen. I plan tasty menus that feed however many people are coming on whatever day and accommodate dietary needs. I shop for it all and cook. DH wouldn't do that to my very high standard . But he is excellent at washing up 3 times a day, keeping the kitchen clean and functional while I create endless food to feed people, will sit up until midnight wrapping presents while I have fallen asleep with the baby, deals with all the recycling and batteries, and packs the whole lot away in January while I am denying it's all over and avoiding the pack down. We're a great team!

I am good at the baby days. I can somehow summon the energy to hold babies endlessly despite being on my knees with exhaustion. I hang in there while I try to figure out what's upsetting a baby or child, and often just hang in there envelopes though I'll never figure out what's wrong! DH can't do that. But he's amazing at building bikes for the kids and making sure they're well maintained and on the car when we want to take them out. He's great at teaching them DIY stuff and letting them "help" him. He will walk a baby in a pram for hours so it doesn't wake up, while I take a much needed soak in the bath. We're a great team!

You don't need to be able to do the same things as each other. For those saying a DH should learn to soothe the baby and take his turn with the night feeds, should the mother learn to fix the gears on the kids bike in return? Isn't it ok to have different strengths and bring different things to the table?

@Queeniepies

God, the prissy, men excusing, martyr posts are depressing

Totally. Unbelievable really. The bar is set so low.

@HappyAsASandboy again, couldn’t have put it better myself. And actually, in the baby days I would genuinely rather we snuggled on the sofa with my newborn feeding than taking out the recycling or trying to get my 4 year old to eat vegetables, so rather think I have the better end of the deal here 😂. I don’t see myself as a martyr or setting the bar low 🤷‍♀️

Fuck teaching and coaxing a man to look after his infant.

Can you express a bit and give him a bottle when you need to do something? Can he wear a baby sling?

Honestly? He needs to suck it up and try different strategies. It sounds like he's given up and he knows you'll deal with it. He's perhaps justified this to himself by doing other things that are helpful, but you need him to be helpful with settling the baby too. This is for the good of everyone involved - their bond won't be as strong if he doesn't put the time in now when it's challenging.

[quote Worryworry887]@HappyAsASandboy totally agree - a team with different skills sums it up. Apart from cutting off my boobs and attaching them to my husband I’m unsure how to get round the breastfeeding one! Haha[/quote]
It's called expressing milk, something I did 30 + years ago. I'm sure it's still a thing.

A really simple way to cope is noise cancelling headphones. My daughter used to cry for hours in the early days every evening at 7pm on the dot. The noise really got to me but with noise cancelling headphones I coped much better!

He can’t handle it if she cries or gets upset and will just put her down in her cot and walk away

I think this is the best thing he can do.

She will not come to any harm if he puts her back in her cot so he can calm down.

What he does need to learn though is how to put her down, calm down and then go back and settle her.
Then eventually he won’t need to put her down as quickly as he’ll start becoming more used to it.

I wish someone told me to put my DD down for a few minutes if they were moaning.

It’s hard for you but telling him to stop isn’t going to help. Instead it would be better for him to pick up the slack elsewhere.