Disappointed with partner not stepping up with new baby

[Choppies]

Name changed as partner knows my MN name.

When pregnant everyone would say how DP would make such a good dad and I though they were right. To me he has always been so kind and caring and always fully pulls his weight around the house and has a responsible job. We were already engaged and I thought I had really picked a good-un. Baby was planned and he was super excited but since she’s here (she’s quite a high needs baby but nothing super unusual!) I’ve been really disappointed with him and it’s affecting our relationship. He can’t handle it if she cries or gets upset and will just put her down in her cot and walk away rather than try to settle her and he gets really annoyed at any signs of her fussing. It means I can never switch off and am doing all the night shifts. Even having a shower while he watches her ends in me coming out after ten mins to her crying in her cot.

He would never hurt her but I am just super sad that with me being on maternity I’m the default parent 24/7.

Please offer advice - I can’t talk to anyone in real life as he would be super upset as I know he is disappointed in himself too. Any suggestions to help him get more patience with her?

I also agree with PPL that looking after a baby isn't rocket science. Men that don't do it is because they don't WANT to do it and because of Societal conditioning that makes this behaviour ok.

Men seem to be able to look after pets and themselves just fine so why not a baby?

Men seem to be able to hold down jobs outearning women - but somehow looking after a baby is rocket science to them? It's bullshit.

@paname that is my worry!

He is honestly doing lots with the baby and does morning routine and bedtime routine every day around his work but it’s the moment she stops crying he can’t cope.
We have the noise cancelling headphones (multiple sets so always some to hand) and have done a CBT course and now he is having counselling for stress but still can’t cope with the crying :(

I am totally broken with tiredness - I’ve done every night shift since she was born and she’s a rubbish sleeper and so am I.

It’s so hard as no family around to help and if I ask a friend it will mean admitting he is struggling which would cause huge problems in our relationship. And anyone saying LTB - it won’t help me with night shifts!

She’s almost 6 months now so I’m hoping I can do some sleep training now - just feel bad for the neighbours as live in a block of flats!

The stupid thing is she doesn’t even cry a lot! She can be great for 4 hours and under 30seconds of crying and he just can’t deal

I think you need to have serious talks about how he will cope with a defiant toddler because that can really provoke an angry man. Your daughter needs to be able to express herself and that means very normal tantrums. She's going to scream and cry and chuck herself in the ground. What will he do then? I think I'd try with a couples counsellor and also he needs parenting classes so he knows what's "normal and expected". Please be proactive OP. He absolutely needs help.

I am trying to be pro active - I’m here asking for more ideas how. Where can you self refer for parenting classes? Are any available privately? I can’t find any locally :(

Ask your health visitor. They should be able to sign post you to locally available classes.

I'm sure my local council runs parenting courses and they're also available online. Plenty of books are easily available too. Having read your later posts and other comments, I now think that actually making sure he understands your DD first is a priority to make sure he can manage his reactions. Many people initially react with feeling flustered, anxious or angry to new, stressful situations, it's not unusual, but it's how they manage it that matters. Does he understand that this is currently your DD's only way of communicating something is not ok or that she needs something? And that this is a normal and necessary part of her development? It doesn't sound like he's educated himself much in that regard.

This is what I don’t understand - he’s read all the same (5+) parenting books I have - including ones about managing frustration with kids - we have done a CBT course on the stresses of parenting. He is in counselling, she no longer has colic and he still doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere :( it’s been 5 months and no better.

My next strategy is getting her to sleep better.

The problem is op, her sleep better may help you in that you won't have as many broken nights, but it doesn't solve the core issue, which is Him. He cannot handle crying at any level, from what I'm getting from this thread? I think you've been incredibly proactive and it sounds like he has taken steps towards getting help, but there's no improvement? I really would advice reaching out to friends or family in real life as you both need support. I get the thing about admitting there is a problem, but it sounds like he already has to some level? I'd take any support you czn gdt right now to be honest! Xx

@Fivebyfive2 you’re probably right :(

I am just out of ideas