Disappointed with partner not stepping up with new baby

[Choppies]

Name changed as partner knows my MN name.

When pregnant everyone would say how DP would make such a good dad and I though they were right. To me he has always been so kind and caring and always fully pulls his weight around the house and has a responsible job. We were already engaged and I thought I had really picked a good-un. Baby was planned and he was super excited but since she’s here (she’s quite a high needs baby but nothing super unusual!) I’ve been really disappointed with him and it’s affecting our relationship. He can’t handle it if she cries or gets upset and will just put her down in her cot and walk away rather than try to settle her and he gets really annoyed at any signs of her fussing. It means I can never switch off and am doing all the night shifts. Even having a shower while he watches her ends in me coming out after ten mins to her crying in her cot.

He would never hurt her but I am just super sad that with me being on maternity I’m the default parent 24/7.

Please offer advice - I can’t talk to anyone in real life as he would be super upset as I know he is disappointed in himself too. Any suggestions to help him get more patience with her?

You could express milk an vainly hope that milk is all a breastfed baby wants when it wants the boob. You could insist that you do half of the bin duty and half of the bike gears, and half of the cleaning and half of the baby.

Or you could look at your DH and decide whether he is working as hard as you, albeit on other tasks. My life is made easier by the fact that DH is good at the things I am not good at, and visa versa (I hope!). I know I can rely on him to work as hard as he can. I can look at him and know whether he has the capacity to take on whatever "non-me" job I want to fling his way, and when he really doesn't have the capacity to take on more then I'll give the bike gears a go myself. But ultimately the family team benefits from each person, including the kids now they're not all babies, playing their part. My DD can't put clothes away to save her life, but her brother can. Meanwhile she's making two mug cakes, which he struggles with. Surely team work is easier for everyone than forced "equality"?

He sees red, he gets really annoyed, every single time you leave your dd with her he gets so annoyed he puts her in her cot and leaves her to cry - wtf?? He needs to get over himself sharp-ish.

Does he really not have the imagination to amuse his own dd for ten mins or half an hour while you shower or collect a parcel?

If his tinnitus is this bad, the crying would hurt his ears but wouldn't make him see red, so I don't think that can be it.

Has he had this reaction to a baby crying before?!

He needs to get over this, learn how to soothe dd, and learn how to amuse her.

@Terfydactyl I’m unable to express effectively tried with my first born and could hardly get any. Some women can’t.

Hi op

He can't just opt out every time she starts to cry. He's a parent and needs to get on with it. Crying infants are daunting when you are not used to them, and the best way to get used to them is practice.

Another poster said her husband sings to their baby. Mine used to play music and dance around with ours. Baby loved it. After a lot of crying.

Hopefully he will find the confidence to try to find what works for him.

@Choppies does he work from home or is he out in the day at work and you in your own? I have been lucky my DH has been WFH (due to covid) so has always been very present and hands on.

When she cries can you show him how you settle her (aside from feeding obviously), e.g. a particular way she likes to be held/rocked etc? Then kind of guide him through it with you present, and explain he can't just put her in the cot and leave her to cry as it won't stop her. Basically make him show you he can soothe her with you there (may take time) then try with you next door, etc. Making sure you don't just take over as you know you can do it quicker. (I was always so quick to jump in at first with my LO!)

He needs to learn to soothe her as this issue isn't just suddenly going to solve itself and will get worse if only you can do it. You can't always be the sole one to soothe her - what if you end up ill or burnt out, have to go out somewhere that you can't take her?

He will get there don't worry. It sounds like he is a great partner (pre baby) and obviously wants to be hands on he just needs to learn. It sounds cliche but I don't think it's always as 'natural' for men as it is women.

Men are honestly quite capable of learning what to do with a crying baby. They are also perfectly able to learn to be patient, women aren't innately more patient than men, we've just had more practice and more people expecting it of us. OP, you'll both get there, but don't listen to some of the twaddle here!

[quote Choppies]@Luredbyapomegranate he is great at shopping for her and sterilising stuff and giving bottle at bedtime (otherwise she’s breastfed) and stuff so I am trying to avoid default parent like the plague (the crying thing can’t be an issue forever right??)

When do they stop crying all the time?? When they can talk??[/quote]
She is very little still, she’ll be crying a lot less in a couple months (bursts of teething aside), if you are concerned talk to HV.

You are naturally going to get more skin to skin time if you are BF, but that doesn’t mean your DP can’t comfort her. Noise reducing Headphones are a great idea from PP, and there is quite a lot of info on line with baby soothing techniques which you could look at and explore with him.

Is there a time of day she cries less? If you can time your runs then then that would be a good place to start him taking her for a while.

But really I think it’s about talking to him about how you solve this together, so he is dealing with enough of the tough stuff that you get a break. Part of it is making clear that no one can ‘fix’ a crying baby, it’s just about trying different things and getting through it.

Do ignore some of the well meant but sexist comments on the thread. For some mothers the idea their partner can’t comfort the baby is either just their experience, or they prefer to be the active go-to. The idea that fathers being active parents to young children is a modern Western invention is utterly inaccurate and bizarre. The reality is, anyone can look after a young baby and learn how to comfort it, fathers have done it for millennia, it isn’t rocket science, just a bit of an endurance race. So persist!

Not talking to anyone about this in real life is foolish!

You BOTH need help, support and advice in real life to address this.

This is exactly what parents and health visitors etc are for. I'd been a nanny and was phoning my grans and mum for advice on colic and teething etc as much for the reassurance I wasn't doing something completely stupid as anything else, plus with sleep deprivation I wasn't on the ball and "forgot" stuff I bloody well knew!

Had he much experience with babies BEFORE becoming a father?

My ex had none! He'd never even held a baby until we had dd, there's a photo of him holding her for the 1st time and he honestly looks like someone has handed him a grenade with the pin pulled out! 

And she wasn't even awake at this point she was snoozing away!

The only way ANY parent learns to settle a baby is practice!

You didn't know what worked for her straight away did you? You persevered, tried different things... and then you happened on what worked for you and baby.

He needs to do the same.

Sometimes too what works for mum to settle baby doesn't work for dad or granny and they have to learn their own ways to settle them.

Has he done any parenting classes? He may well benefit from doing so - as much for confidence building as anything else! Would also be good for him to learn about baby development and how things are for mums postnatally so he knows what's going on. Eg so he knows about cluster feeding or sleep regression etc

My ex felt daft when he did things like put a babygro on backwards but you just laugh it off and he takes it off and puts it on properly and it becomes an amusing family anecdote.

Hell when I was in very early stages I did some daft/weird stuff too! And I was a nanny before having her - sleep deprivation really is a bugger!

LET him make (non harmful) mistakes without making it a big deal, share the things you struggled with.

My ex took the stance of "jumping in at the deep end" spent lots of time with dd, learned her quirks and preferences, developed his own relationship with her.

Eg one of his "things" was he used her as part of his morning exercise ritual - sort of used her as a free weight. She LOVED it and when she was old enough she'd be smiling and laughing at this point in her day.

He was also often the one to bathe her. We can now embarrass her (she's 21 now) with the story of how daddy got her all clean in the bath then as he lifted her to hand to me to be wrapped in a towel she pooped right down his (rather hairy!) chest! 

So then he had to have a shower while I cleaned her in the sink!

He was the only one could settle her while she had colic. She had a very particular way she'd lie on him and sleep but he couldn't as he had to be sat bolt upright for the position to work! He did that for ages then around 5am she'd settle in our bed for a couple hours and he'd get 2 hours Kip in the spare room and then go to work knackered!

The reading is great but if he can find a dads parenting class even better as then there's the group support/camaraderie element too and he can share his "mistakes" with others who've done similar in a more lighthearted way.

I bf too but ex would when it was night wakings fetch me a drink/cardi/whatever if I wanted/needed then after she'd fed if needed he'd do the burp/nappy change while I sorted myself out (she was a messy awkward feeder) so we shared the load

Don't be so quick to jump in and "fix" things if he's having trouble settling baby or changing nappy or whatever, don't hover - I know it's hard!

My ex did actually have to tell me to relax and back off a bit in early stages as I just naturally went straight into doing everything because I knew how and I could do it quicker/easier

He was like "I'll never learn if I don't get the practice in. Let me be"

Regarding how he is about her crying - he needs to understand that's just what babies do! There's not always something that wants fixing sometimes they're just "having a grumble"

My exes approach to this was to talk to her a lot! Loudly but not shouting (he was army they seem to know how to do this very effectively admittedly!) or he'd even sing to her (this was very amusing as he knew NO nursery rhymes so he'd be singing rock songs and tv theme tunes to her )

Singing calms him as well as baby btw there's a scientific basis to this, and lower toned voices are especially soothing to babies

Getting outdoors is an excellent suggestion. Lots of walks in the pram, then when she is older kicking a ball about or playing catch or hanging at the park

Re lack of parenting classes - he could start his own dads group - he won't be the only one feeling like this.

Earplugs - the squishy silicon ones are best in my experience, white noise may also help re the tinnitus

I'm another saying pnd does NOT apply to men - they may experience depression/anxiety but they don't have the hormones and physical recovery to deal with too. It's NOT the same

@Karenina40 an article written entirely from a male perspective! er no!

It's called expressing milk, something I did 30 + years ago. I'm sure it's still a thing.

Not everyone can! I couldn't

@Graphista that's the point that it is written from male perspective. There could be something wrigjt in it. I'm not q psychologist but I truly believe that some men may genuinely struggle. ....not all men. Some of them are lazy , don't care etc, some of them are "natural dads" some of them need more time to adjust as the same goes for mums

The thing is though, even if it doesn't come naturally to mums or they struggle to adjust, they have no option but to look after the baby. A mum could not get away with picking and choosing the parts of baby care or walking away and leaving a crying baby. Imagine if a midwife or HV came round and the father was doing the bulk of the babycare and the mum just sat in another room! The Health professionals would be calling Social Services!

You don't need to be able to do the same things as each other. For those saying a DH should learn to soothe the baby and take his turn with the night feeds, should the mother learn to fix the gears on the kids bike in return?

I have never seen the 'oh it's so petty to try and share it out equally we just have different strengths and do our own things' thing work out anything like equitably. It also seems to result in the woman is doing all the grinding chores that take up huge amounts of time while the man does tasks that might be more physically demanding but are occasional and take up very little time ('I do the cooking and cleaning but he takes the bins out'). And this is a great example of this - who on earth would compare months and months of night feeds to fixing the gears on a bike and think that that was an even and equivalent exchange of labour?!

@Karenina40 but men can't know what it's like for women no matter their qualifications so I don't think they can say it's the same for men. It plain simply and obviously is not!

Men don't go through the pregnancy, birth and physical aftermath. They need to stop co-opting things that are uniquely female experiences

@Graphista totally agree with you. Yes everything related to pregnancy, giving birth is unique for mothers. Men possibly cannot totally fully ever understand that, however nice or emphatic they may be.

....but men may they own mental struggles with becoming fathers. They may require some help. Of course, they should step up in parenting etc and many men do, some don't. There are plenty of great fathers who got a very good grip straight from the beginning. There are some fathers who did/,do struggle.

Op described her husband as a caring and helpful person. She also mentioned he had helped around the house etc. So generally he seems like a good guy. But obviously he struggles with some parenting. Why? Maybe he needs to talk about it with op or someone else, maybe more encouragement, maybe he 8s not able to bond at this stage.....or maybe he really is just lazy and irresponsible?

He is technically following the medical advice. If you cant deal with a crying baby put them somewhere safe and walk off to calm down for a few minutes. It reduces the risk of people killing their babies by shaking them. He needs help though. Perhaps the charity babies cry you can cope?

It's called something like that. I remember getting the leaflet as part of my hospital release care package

I’m interested that the crying, specifically, seems to be triggering quite an extreme reaction in him. How is he with you when you’re upset, OP? How well does he express and handle his own emotions? Do you know how his parents handled emotional expression when he was young?

the best path to not wanting to kill your husband is to expect him to be crap at this.

'This' being parenting his own child. Comforting his baby when it cries. Prioritising the baby's comfort over his.

Just expect him to be crap and stop to wanting him to step up OP. Problem solved, apparently 🙄

Fuck me, the bar is so very low for men.

OP is absolutely right to expect more and be incredibly disappointed in his behaviour since the baby's arrival. And angry with his lack of effort to change things.

@TrippinEdBalls

You don't need to be able to do the same things as each other. For those saying a DH should learn to soothe the baby and take his turn with the night feeds, should the mother learn to fix the gears on the kids bike in return?

I have never seen the 'oh it's so petty to try and share it out equally we just have different strengths and do our own things' thing work out anything like equitably. It also seems to result in the woman is doing all the grinding chores that take up huge amounts of time while the man does tasks that might be more physically demanding but are occasional and take up very little time ('I do the cooking and cleaning but he takes the bins out'). And this is a great example of this - who on earth would compare months and months of night feeds to fixing the gears on a bike and think that that was an even and equivalent exchange of labour?!

This!!

'He does the bins and mows the lawn, I do the cooking, cleaning and childcare' trotted out as if it's anywhere close to equal when it comes to mental load and physical time spent is absolute madness.

DP was a bit like this and I became resentful. I thought we had similar levels of baby experience, both having nieces and nephews and friends with kids but it quickly became apparent he didn’t have a clue.

He was terrified to be alone with DD and I felt trapped and pissed off. He got much better at about six months. DD is now three and daddy is firmly her favourite.

Is it worth trying ear plugs for him? Might lessen the noise and make it more manageable.

So many posts excusing OP’s partner, or suggesting things OP could do to help her DP with HIS problems and poor parenting.

‘ I can never switch off and am doing all the night shifts’. That’s very unfair and enables him to avoid parenting.

He’s let you and your baby down very badly. Unless he seeks help - he has a good job so could pay for counselling for himself, for example - and makes changes soon would think again about marriage and the relationship.

It’s very worrying that he displays anger when DC is unsettled.

The Op is describing a man who "sees red" and walks away from a crying newborn. Anyone encouraging her to push him harder is insane. He needs to address his anger before he will be any hell of frankly he's safe near the baby. Talk to him about how crying is just communication etc. It's not nice for you but I absolutely would not push a man who feels so much anger toward a small baby that he needs to put her down and walk away....it only takes one shake...

@Worryworry887

I’ve heard some stories about couples forcing themselves to be 50/50 with the baby ie the woman doing breastfeeds at night, and then the husband waking up at the same time to wind the baby afterwards 🤷‍♀️. Don’t see the point of that as why would you want both of you tired? Better to get him doing other jobs e.g more of the cooking and cleaning etc

Completely agree. I find this an odd bizarre way to do it personally. It's like 'I'm suffering so should you'.