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Original poster

Concerned partner may harm baby

150 replies

LVW2 · 28/01/2022 21:20

Hi all, just looking for some advice and support...

I have a 3 month old baby. I've been with her father for several years. He has Aspergers, and hasn't been great with LO so I've done 95% of caring for her even though he doesn't work so is around all the time. Earlier this evening he took her upstairs to change her nappy as I was exhausted from caring for her all day, mostly on my own. She was crying, and after a couple of minutes went quiet. I thought she'd stopped crying but realised I could still hear her, just muffled. I came upstairs quietly and was shocked to see partner had put pillows over LOs face while he did the nappy. I immediately removed them and comforted LO. Partner muttered something about needing earplugs and left the room. He risked suffocating her just because she was a bit loud.

Later when LO was happy, I asked partner to go and stay with his family. He was apologising and crying so clearly does know what he did was totally unacceptable. He's gone now, and I'm left wondering what next? Am I overreacting in thinking this is the end of our relationship , since I can't ever trust him alone with LO again? I'm sure he'll promise never to do anything like that again, but can I believe that? Also the plan was for him to be the main childcarer by the time LO is 1 as my maternity leave will end and I'm the only wage earner. Now I'm thinking no way is that going to happen!
As background, he's never been violent or abusive towards me, and always seemed good with children in the family before we had LO, so this has come out of the blue.

OP posts:
toddybell · 28/01/2022 23:04

Wtf. Report the fucker and leave.

mistermagpie · 28/01/2022 23:08

God this is terrifying. And the reality is (I have three children) that at 3 months children are pretty easy to manage. What about when the child is 2 or three and really kicking off?

He needs to never be unsupervised with her ever again and it's probably going to take police involvement to ensure that.

I'm sorry OP, if this has happened completely out of the blue you must be devastated. I really hope you have support and your baby is ok.

ChristmasPlanning · 28/01/2022 23:12

Thank God you went up when you did. Please get her urgently checked at A&E. The next priority is logging this with the police. He needs to never be near her ever again.

ThanksDo you have RL support?

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Fedupofmagic · 28/01/2022 23:13

I agree with everyone above.

And please don't use his aspergers as an excuse for this behaviour.

My partner has aspergers, and he was and is a hands on dad. If anything he's more patient than me and he's now the SAHP

If I though he would ever do this to our dad I'd be out the door like a shot.

Report report report and make sure he never has your child unsupervised. Ever.

Fedupofmagic · 28/01/2022 23:17

If I thought he'd do anything like that to our DD. Obviously.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/01/2022 23:23

Please get your baby checked in A&E.. Her oxygen supply was reduced by the pillow and this can cause brain damage at worst
It is then on record that her Father is a danger to her

Geppili · 28/01/2022 23:33

Take her to a and e. Report what could be attempted murder to the police. Change your locks.

Geppili · 28/01/2022 23:36

I also think your thread title needs editing with a severe trigger warning.

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 28/01/2022 23:44

He could have fucking killed her. What on earth was he thinking? Agree with PPs, get something on record and do not let him near her again.

Puffflashpuffflashbang · 28/01/2022 23:47

She could of died op - do you understand that? You need to call the police and You need to take her to hospital, and have this on record. He could end up doing jail time for this, rightfully so. Never let him near her again, ever.

MsTSwift · 28/01/2022 23:48

Dd1 and I went to watch a trial at the crown court for her work experience. The father had killed the baby in a similar scenario the mum had lost her baby and was on trial alongside him for manslaughter. She was found not guilty in the end and he got a long sentence for murder. Such an ordinary pathetic looking couple

EezyOozy · 29/01/2022 07:34

I'd be calling the police, and never letting him near the baby again. He could have killed her.

Original poster
LVW2 · 29/01/2022 08:26

Sorry for going silent last night - was dealing with the situation and a colicky baby so didn't come back on here till now. Thanks for all the comments. We are safe, he left as requested and is a 4 hour journey away now. I couldn't face police but left a message with the health visitor so I think she will help get it on record. To be clear, the pillows weren't held over her just rested, it was pretty brief and she never stopped making noise throughout. That doesn't make it better but is why I wasn't rushing to A&E.
In the longer term, my baby is the most precious thing in my life and I'll do anything to protect her. Now he's done that there's no way he's coming back into our home. I think I knew that from the moment it happened, just needed some reassurance to stick with it.

OP posts:
numberthirtytwowindsorgardens · 29/01/2022 08:58

I am so sorry for your shock, OP, and so glad that your baby is OK. You're a wonderful mum - thank goodness she has you. Flowers

Mummyof287 · 29/01/2022 09:02

@LVW2

Sorry for going silent last night - was dealing with the situation and a colicky baby so didn't come back on here till now. Thanks for all the comments. We are safe, he left as requested and is a 4 hour journey away now. I couldn't face police but left a message with the health visitor so I think she will help get it on record. To be clear, the pillows weren't held over her just rested, it was pretty brief and she never stopped making noise throughout. That doesn't make it better but is why I wasn't rushing to A&E. In the longer term, my baby is the most precious thing in my life and I'll do anything to protect her. Now he's done that there's no way he's coming back into our home. I think I knew that from the moment it happened, just needed some reassurance to stick with it.
Thanks for checking in and letting us know that this morning...sure this was playing on alot of our minds overnight so really relieved as I'm sure others will be to hear that now you are no longer in shock you have been able to think rationally and do the right thing in reporting this and in deciding that your partner must not be allowed near your baby again.What did the health visitor say?
nomorefrogs · 29/01/2022 09:06

Hello there op glad you have come back to update. I still think this needs reporting to the police I would do this this morning as the health visitor won't pick up the message until next week. You have the next 18 years to safeguard your child from this man and you will need to prove that you are able to do that adequately. It sounds like you are already doing a bit of backpedaling over what he did yesterday which is understandable for some reasons. Please do report this.

Mummyof287 · 29/01/2022 09:28

@nomorefrogs

Hello there op glad you have come back to update. I still think this needs reporting to the police I would do this this morning as the health visitor won't pick up the message until next week. You have the next 18 years to safeguard your child from this man and you will need to prove that you are able to do that adequately. It sounds like you are already doing a bit of backpedaling over what he did yesterday which is understandable for some reasons. Please do report this.
Having re-read your comment and realised you didn't actually speak to the Health visitor I would second the above....At least call your local social services if not...the health visitor would need to make a referral anyway when she gets your message, but if you do it yourself it would go in your favour to show you are doing all you can to protect your baby.
Emmelina · 29/01/2022 10:08

Get it on record and keep him away from your baby and you.
What if you hadn’t walked in? Would he have kept going until the noise stopped altogether?
No history doesn’t mean no future.

spidersenses · 29/01/2022 10:36

@LVW2

Sorry for going silent last night - was dealing with the situation and a colicky baby so didn't come back on here till now. Thanks for all the comments. We are safe, he left as requested and is a 4 hour journey away now. I couldn't face police but left a message with the health visitor so I think she will help get it on record. To be clear, the pillows weren't held over her just rested, it was pretty brief and she never stopped making noise throughout. That doesn't make it better but is why I wasn't rushing to A&E. In the longer term, my baby is the most precious thing in my life and I'll do anything to protect her. Now he's done that there's no way he's coming back into our home. I think I knew that from the moment it happened, just needed some reassurance to stick with it.
OP you really really need this on record to protect your child or you may have to split custody with the father. Leaving a message for the health visitor isn't enough.
PossiblyDreaming · 29/01/2022 10:39

You poor thing, that must’ve all been such a shock to you. Do you have any friends/ family around to support you?

LIZS · 29/01/2022 10:48

Call the non emergency number 101 and ask to speak to domestic violence team. They can refer you for support.

thebigpurpleone · 29/01/2022 10:54

You need this officially recorded. Come on, you can do it.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2022 11:26

@LIZS

Call the non emergency number 101 and ask to speak to domestic violence team. They can refer you for support.
It’s not domestic abuse though is it....it’s child abuse....2 different things.....So different agencies and referrals needed. A DV team would not be able to support
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 29/01/2022 11:57

I think I'd contact the NSPCC and get advice from them on how to proceed. I don't think he intended to harm your baby but he has demonstrated very clearly that he is a danger to her and could have killed her. So now you need professional advice to ensure he never has unsupervised contact again.

Original poster
LVW2 · 29/01/2022 12:05

Thanks for the pushing - have called SS. They said I did the right thing getting him to go, and to not allow him back. They've given me an appointment next week to go through full details, this was just a quick call with the out of hours emergency team.
I don't have any friends or relatives nearby and haven't talked to anyone so this has been really difficult.
I think I've done all I can for now though, which is a relief. Time to try and forget about it for a bit and enjoy my beautiful baby :)

OP posts: