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Parenting

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Original poster

Concerned partner may harm baby

150 replies

LVW2 · 28/01/2022 21:20

Hi all, just looking for some advice and support...

I have a 3 month old baby. I've been with her father for several years. He has Aspergers, and hasn't been great with LO so I've done 95% of caring for her even though he doesn't work so is around all the time. Earlier this evening he took her upstairs to change her nappy as I was exhausted from caring for her all day, mostly on my own. She was crying, and after a couple of minutes went quiet. I thought she'd stopped crying but realised I could still hear her, just muffled. I came upstairs quietly and was shocked to see partner had put pillows over LOs face while he did the nappy. I immediately removed them and comforted LO. Partner muttered something about needing earplugs and left the room. He risked suffocating her just because she was a bit loud.

Later when LO was happy, I asked partner to go and stay with his family. He was apologising and crying so clearly does know what he did was totally unacceptable. He's gone now, and I'm left wondering what next? Am I overreacting in thinking this is the end of our relationship , since I can't ever trust him alone with LO again? I'm sure he'll promise never to do anything like that again, but can I believe that? Also the plan was for him to be the main childcarer by the time LO is 1 as my maternity leave will end and I'm the only wage earner. Now I'm thinking no way is that going to happen!
As background, he's never been violent or abusive towards me, and always seemed good with children in the family before we had LO, so this has come out of the blue.

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 28/01/2022 21:51

When you say “put pillows” do you mean adult sized bed pillows? And was he holding them in place?! I just can’t get my head round this

skeletonbones · 28/01/2022 21:53

I am so sorry that this happened to your baby. You have done the right thing. Now please inform SS and the police to keep you both safe. FWIW my partner has autism (proper diagnosis refered by GP as an adult) and would never do this. He used to wear ear defenders for nappy changes and hes very patient and kind with our kids, he struggles in other areas of his life but is bang on with safety/responsible child caring.The bottom line is your partners behaviour is dangerous whatever he's personally got going on, please get help.

AgrippinaT · 28/01/2022 21:54

Fucking hell what are you doing? Jesus Christ call the police and get that child away from that man. Are you actually serious?!????

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Normando91 · 28/01/2022 21:54

Yes, he may not have realised the severity of what he was doing and genuinely thought he was just muffling the volume of her cries but this is completely and totally out of order and he could have killed a three month old baby doing that. What happens if he’s home alone with baby and loses his temper?? It is so easy to harm such a small thing in a fit of anger, literally seconds is all it would take.
You need to log this with police as soon as possible. If you (and I hope to god you do) split up with him, he has every right to unsupervised contact with your daughter. You need to make sure that is not an option for him.
Sorry your going through this, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be.

nocoolnamesleft · 28/01/2022 21:54

That is so dangerous. He could have killed your baby. I'm afraid booting him out isn't enough. You need this to be officially on record. Or anything could happen during unsupervised contact. Call the police, or the local safeguarding hub, or go to A&E.

Tsuni · 28/01/2022 21:54

Take your baby to A&E to get her checked out and then report the bastard to the police.
Go NOW. Stop wasting time on mumsnet.

bubbleblower85 · 28/01/2022 21:57

That's horrific, please put your baby's safety first and get rid of this disgusting creature.

georgarina · 28/01/2022 21:59

I'm so sorry
Echoing others that you need to take her to hospital both to check she's ok and to have this on record so he will not be allowed unsupervised access.
If you hadn't caught him in time she could easily have suffocated.

itsfreeeeeeezing1234 · 28/01/2022 21:59

I hope the radio silence is because the OP is on the phone to the police whilst in the hospital

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/01/2022 22:01

I have a colleague with aspergers and she doesn't go around trying to suffocate patients because they are noisy!!!
For Gods sake report this to SS and the police and make sure he is NEVER left alone with her.
The very thought of him being her main carer makes my blood run cold with horror.
How on earth did you end up with such a man?

Whatwhywhenwhere · 28/01/2022 22:02

Leave right now and go for supervised contact. If something happens you can never get your child back and you will never, ever get over it. It is very frightening leaving with a new baby but there is a lot of help available.

KurtWilde · 28/01/2022 22:03

How on earth did you end up with such a man

Pretty certain she won't have known he'd be like this before she had a baby with him, so this is a wholly unnecessary comment

Penguinsmum · 28/01/2022 22:03

He tried to kill your baby and you are posting on Mumsnet! Call the police! Protect your baby! Surely you know that

nocoolnamesleft · 28/01/2022 22:04

I get that this is scary. I get that you're in shock. I get that you still love your partner and don't believe he meant to hurt her. But your beautiful baby could have been killed. You must act to protect her. If you can't face calling police/social services then go to A&E right now. And be honest with them. They will rope in paediatrics, and we are used to dealing with child protection. And with parents who are in pieces.

Please, if you do nothing now, then the future risk to your baby escalates exponentially. And I have had to tell parents that there was nothing we could do, that there child is dead. There is no pain in existence that matches that in the eyes of a parent beholding their dead child.

Whatwhywhenwhere · 28/01/2022 22:05

You are doing 95% already. You will be shaking and in shock and wondering how you will cope. You will and every day your baby will be there, alive, happy and a reminder of what you have that really matters. Nothing else matters.

Rhibee25 · 28/01/2022 22:05

Oh my life OP I am so sorry you're going through this.

Given his Aspergers he perhaps didn't do this with any malice, however, despite a lack of emotional intelligence he does know right from wrong and his reaction shows that he knew what category this behaviour falls into.

It must be so difficult to suddenly have your plans for future childcare fall into disarray but as many others have said, your DD's health and wellbeing are more important. I would suggest he have supervised access only and he seek help to understand his actions (especially if he is to have a relationship with his daughter in years to come).

Take care of yourself, focus on yourself and your DD, seek out your support network and accept as much help as you can. YANBU

BitcherOfBlakiven · 28/01/2022 22:06

Please do what other PPs have said. Please don’t use his Aspergers as a way to minimise what he’s done - next time, your baby could die. So make sure there isn’t a next time, make sure he’s never alone with her, not even for a split second.

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2022 22:07

Agree with @ChatterMonkey & @Santahasjoinedww.

This needs reporting/recording. You can't trust him unsupervised with your baby. There would be no coming back from this, the relationship would be over.

Whatwhywhenwhere · 28/01/2022 22:09

Just this week I read about a man being released from prison. The partner was upset because he is out - he had killed the baby because he wanted to watch tv. She’s lost her child and has to live with that forever and he is now free.

KurtWilde · 28/01/2022 22:10

I really hope the lack of posts means OP is speaking to the police.

Hightemp · 28/01/2022 22:14

Have you contacted the police OP . Definitely do not allow him back in the house again.

whoruntheworldgirls · 28/01/2022 22:21

Sorry OP but that's it, he can no longer be around her unsupervised, you need to end it for good and you need to get this on official records so he couldn't go for custody.

thebigpurpleone · 28/01/2022 22:26

Your relationship is over. You need to keep your baby safe and away from its father. Imagine something more serious happened, you'd never forgive yourself.

gordongrumpy · 28/01/2022 22:26

To agree with everyone else- take the baby to A&E now. If baby has any injuries, and you've delayed getting help, and/or haven't reported this, I would expect baby to be removed from your care. Social services will need to be involved to protect baby, and you need to engage with them, and be above reproach, and that means getting help now. I hope that's why you haven't been back to the thread.

I'm so sorry this has happened for you and your baby.

Somethingsnappy · 28/01/2022 22:26

@Regularsizedrudy

When you say “put pillows” do you mean adult sized bed pillows? And was he holding them in place?! I just can’t get my head round this

Me neither.

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