ADHD DS12 shot child on school bus with BB gun - police involvement

[SphincterSaysWhat]

Hello, I am hoping for some thoughts from anyone who has been in a situation like this before - or knows someone who has.

My recently diagnosed as ADHD DS12 bought a BB gun from a friend at school, used it in school and on the bus - the pellet actually hit someone on the bus. I don't know yet whether he was trying to hit the other child with the pellet or whether it was an 'accident' (I am aware he should ever have got that gun out on this bus or in school etc).

He has been suspended, and the policy are involved - the school says the police will likely make a MARF which I've googled and can see it's a referral to social services.

I am very upset, for many reasons. I thought we were getting somewhere with him, and making headway with a child psychiatrist, some medication and we're starting therapy to try and learn how to parent him (and he too is going to speak with someone).

He's spent the last few months getting in trouble CONSTANTLY - vaping (in class) lying, stealing...it has been relentless but we are working through it.

I am worried about this referral - what will happen?

Help, I feel so lost. Husband is raging and my lovely MIL has just been taken to hospital with AF today - this all combined with two other children, a very full-on job and an elderly dog to care for means I feel a little frazzled. I wish I could disappear for a while.

It is a good opportunity to get extra support and have a good discussion with professionals about the situation.
At this stage he won’t be removed or anything like that!

I would guess there will be a discussion and then signposting to family support

Oh good grief, you've got it all going on there

When your DH has stopped raging, is he able to go and see his mother to reassure him that she's ok? Because he needs to stop raging tbh, and help you out here.

I'd say that right now, any referral should be addressed positively. If children's social care and any multi-agency panel have any answers regarding your DS, I'd ask them to spell them out, because you are quite obviously doing everything you can think of. It's not like you don't give a damn, is it? You clearly do.

Meanwhile, the BB gun goes - and there need to be apologies to the child who was shot with a pellet. That's really serious.

OP, I'm afraid this thread will be identifiable. Could you ask MN to put it on OTBT?

The gun is gone, trust me. And when we get to the bottom of who and how we'll try to make amends, that's already in the pipeline (if it's poss).

The child apparently doesn't want to make an issue out of it, and I am not sure he actually got anyone when he discharged it in the classroom. If it were my child, I'd want answers though - I am NOT minimising what he did. I actually wonder if the police might help him think twice - but a MARF? Why? Is he considered at risk?

I do not want SS involved in our lives.

They'll be involved as he's clearly not able to make a good decision about what is and isn't dangerous/risky behaviour. They'll be concerned that he's seeing/has access to inappropriate things, like BB guns. Why dont't you want them involved if you're struggling with him? Surely they'll try to help you?

At the point that the referral is made all they know is that your DS was brandishing a gun in school and on the bus.

Now it’s obvious from your OP that you are engaged and trying to deal with his behaviour, but there is a a no world in which this shouldn’t be referred. Until a referral has taken place and we ta been investigated properly no-one knows the background.

If you can see the referral as an opportunity to get more support and access to services it could come to be a good thing.

Thanks all, I can see that - I would also like to know where he got it from. We have stopped him from getting money, but he steals it from us/his siblings (maybe others?) and he apparently bought the BB Gun from another child at school. This happened yday, and when I saw it yday evening (when tidying his room) I took it off him, obviously.

I then set him up to speak with a friend of ours who was a firearms instructor in the army until he left about 4 years ago - we thought he could help with the safety talk, and what can happen even with BB guns, and then if DS was still interested, we could join an airsoft club/clay pigeon (we struggle to get him to stick at anything).

I suppose I can't see what else SS could offer us, when we're under a child psychiatrist and begin talk therapy (parents and DS, together and apart) next week.

He is on medication for the ADHD and I thought I had seen an improvement. He's got no idea of causation - just does what he wants to in the moment, so impulsive and obsesses over things (vapes, BB guns etc). So typical ADHD, but we also don't want that to be his get out of jail card. He does seem to be very immature compared to his peers - but that might just be the ones I have met.

I suppose we'll see how it plays out. Thanks again, x

well on the face of it, it sounds like he is out of control.
so of course social services will be involved.
hopefully you will be able to work with them for the best situation and intervention for your son.

I don't think giving him a hobby involving shooting is the right response to this!
As a teacher I'd be terrified if I heard a gun go off in class. You would think "school shooing" straight away. As a parent of a teen with adhd I also sympathise. I wouldn't underplay this with him, it's a very big deal, but it doesn't mean his whole life is defined with it. Take whatever support is on offer. Would you be able to take parental leave from work or even be signed off to give you some time with him and to help deal with it all?

Shooting, even. A shooing is not that scary

I know that it’s the last thing you need at the moment but I think that it’s no bad thing to have SS aware of the situation now. It sounds like you’re already doing all the right things and are engaging with professionals. That will be noted along with his diagnosis.

If he’s getting into trouble constantly at school, even with everything you’re doing, and he’s taking these kinds of risks then you’re going to come in contact with other agencies. A report from SS saying that you’re fully engaged as parents, are aware of his issues, being proactive and following all professional advice won’t do you any harm in the future.

I think view it as you will be able to get more support early in his teens to help with his development into adulthood. My daughter with ADD has psychiatrist (mainly meds), therapist (CBT) and a ADD coach (helps with the practical side of things) and we have a family therapist for her. And my daughter doesn't have any behavioural issues as she masks. There is a lot of ADD support that can be given so I am sure you son can access some more.

Your ds is obviously vulnerable otherwise he wouldn’t be acting this way. My understanding is that a MARF is for someone at risk and I think he could easily exploited by people or other children. For example being groomed as a drugs mule, county lines or being the one to hold the knife when his ‘mate’ takes it to a fight - just in case.

Shooting a gun at a child on the bus would be an automatic permanent exclusion in most cases. I imagine your ds hasn’t been permanently excluded because he’s considered vulnerable so please see this as a plus. Your ds will hopefully get a lot of help now to learn how to protect himself and turn things around.

A nephew of mine had a similar situation happen and he has ASD and ADD.
My Dsis was worried about SS and the police but their involvement really helped. My DN was given a wonderful youth worker, CAMHS was suddenly able to provide therapy and the school decided to stop illegally excluding him and started helping him instead.
It's 6 years on and DN is a lovely, law abiding young man.

If my child had been shot by another child I would definitely want the police and social services involved with the other child's family. It's serious enough to merit that.

@Whitestick

I don't think giving him a hobby involving shooting is the right response to this! As a teacher I'd be terrified if I heard a gun go off in class. You would think "school shooing" straight away. As a parent of a teen with adhd I also sympathise. I wouldn't underplay this with him, it's a very big deal, but it doesn't mean his whole life is defined with it. Take whatever support is on offer. Would you be able to take parental leave from work or even be signed off to give you some time with him and to help deal with it all?

Thanks WS, for your reply. I disagree though, about getting him involved in a shooting club. They don't even let them touch a gun until they are totally on board with safety. Some army chap teaching them how to safely handle Airsoft guns might be just what he needs to head, as opposed to his mum who he thinks knows nothing. And there's no noise when it goes off, a slight pop, but it sounds like a pencil case closing (a Tin one). Anyway, it's gone now. So this is moot.

Would he be allowed to join a gun club as I thought he'd have something against his name re misuse of a weapon?

I’m also not sure based on his adhd and obsessive behaviours joining a gun club is a good idea op. And I’m unsure why you don’t want social services involved, it sounds like you need their help.

Marf referrals are fheir to protect vulnerable children, so I would advice working with the different agencies to safe guard you child and help him.

A gun club sounds bonkers! How about some actual physical activity to calm him? My daughter also has adhd and manages it with lots of sport. Works better than her medication

Tell them everything that’s been going on and hopefully they’ll refer you to services that can provide a fuck tonne of support

So your son is out of control has shot another kid with a BB gun and your response is - shooting lessons? WTF?

I'd think ss will be involved as he's vulnerable as a pp said, it could help with additional support. Or the could just see you have some support in place and close the case

Presumably the police are getting to the bottom of who sold it him in the first place

@trunktoes

So your son is out of control has shot another kid with a BB gun and your response is - shooting lessons? WTF?

This! I think you’re trying to play down the full incident tbh. If my child had been shot by another child on a school bus with a BB gun I’d be pushing for charges to be pressed and I’d have contacted social work myself to report it.

You have a,12 Yr old He's spent the last few months getting in trouble CONSTANTLY - vaping (in class) lying, stealing...it has been relentless but we are working through it.

Take all the help you can get
Yes thru ss.

What is your dh raging about exactly
?
Who does he rage at ?