ADHD DS12 shot child on school bus with BB gun - police involvement

[SphincterSaysWhat]

Hello, I am hoping for some thoughts from anyone who has been in a situation like this before - or knows someone who has.

My recently diagnosed as ADHD DS12 bought a BB gun from a friend at school, used it in school and on the bus - the pellet actually hit someone on the bus. I don't know yet whether he was trying to hit the other child with the pellet or whether it was an 'accident' (I am aware he should ever have got that gun out on this bus or in school etc).

He has been suspended, and the policy are involved - the school says the police will likely make a MARF which I've googled and can see it's a referral to social services.

I am very upset, for many reasons. I thought we were getting somewhere with him, and making headway with a child psychiatrist, some medication and we're starting therapy to try and learn how to parent him (and he too is going to speak with someone).

He's spent the last few months getting in trouble CONSTANTLY - vaping (in class) lying, stealing...it has been relentless but we are working through it.

I am worried about this referral - what will happen?

Help, I feel so lost. Husband is raging and my lovely MIL has just been taken to hospital with AF today - this all combined with two other children, a very full-on job and an elderly dog to care for means I feel a little frazzled. I wish I could disappear for a while.

He will not be allowed anywhere near weapons with this on his record, so put that idea out of your head asap.

I have severe adhd, and I know how absolutely fucking awful I was to live with at this age. I can’t tell you what would work because my parents were useless, but you need to engage with SS and the police. There is no other way.

I think he is extremely lucky not to be excluded. Take all the help offered and be aware that given this is one incident in a long run then further incidents could well result in a permanent exclusion. I would also not be going down the gun club route. This would be seen as normalising what he has done. What consequences have you given him?

What is your dh raging about exactly
?
Who does he rage at ?
I'd be raging at my son for these actions. Bringing a gun to school, discharging it in the classroom, then shooting another pupil?!

Actually....My recently diagnosed as ADHD DS12 bought a BB gun from a friend at school, used it in school and on the bus - the pellet actually hit someone on the bus.

How did he do both? Use it in school then on the bus? Why did school not call the police/evacuate the school as there was someone with a gun on the premises, how did he get from using it in school to on the bus?

Hi OP - sounds a tough situation, but as PPs have said, it sounds like you've been proactive in putting lots of support in place.

To other posters: this is a parenting board - and this parent has asked for support. ADHD is a neuro-disability and a very tough gig - can we respond from a place of understanding and compassion?

Is he being charged with a crime? He's shot someone. He's twelve and he's bought a gun 'used it in school' and then shot someone on a bus.

I'd be taking all the help you can get.

I don’t see how you can say a 12 year old vaping and stealing seems immature? You seem to be minimising an awful lot and if you avoid social work input you will be seen as not cooperating and will make everything worse. To be quite honest you’re clearly not coping and not helping him currently to manage his condition, so why not engages with all the help offered?

Yes it is an ND (and I have ADHD myself) however it seems the OP is massively minimising what her son has done, and doesn’t grasp why it’s being taken so seriously.

Temp or permanent exclusion?
Most schools brining a weapon to school and using it on another pupil is a permanent exclusion.
Does he have an EHCP?

Is there a local SEMH special school?

@LowlyTheWorm

I don’t see how you can say a 12 year old vaping and stealing seems immature? You seem to be minimising an awful lot and if you avoid social work input you will be seen as not cooperating and will make everything worse. To be quite honest you’re clearly not coping and not helping him currently to manage his condition, so why not engages with all the help offered?

Kids with ADHD can be 2-3 years behind their peers in emotional development (and impulsive).

OP has described a lot of support that she has put in place to help him following his recent diagnosis, including highly specialist support.

I do not want SS involved in our lives.

Your son is out of control.
Vaping in class, lying, stealing and now shooting someone are serious issues and he sounds like a bully and the poor kid is too afraid to make a fuss over it.

You absolutely need support.
SS will help you get that support so he can have a better future. If something isn’t sorted soon then he’s going to end up with no qualifications, no job and going to jail.

Kids with ADHD can be 2-3 years behind their peers in emotional development (and impulsive).

I agree but most 9 year olds wouldn’t dream of vaping in class or stealing.

His ADHD will account for some of his behaviour but not all of it.

I just read your response about possibly getting shooting training for your DS OP. It makes me think that you aren’t fully accepting what the issue is here.

If your DS has ADHD and is doing things like shooting a BB gun on a bus, the last thing he needs is access to more BB guns. A safety lecture from someone in uniform isn’t going to have a lasting impact - not because your DS doesn’t care about being hurt or hurting someone but because his brain can’t link risk and action in the same way as NT children.

He has problems with judgement of risk, forseeing consequences and impulse control. Even with medication and therapy, it’s going to take a lot of time and effort for him to learn to control himself and his behaviour - years not months.

@WonderfulYou

Kids with ADHD can be 2-3 years behind their peers in emotional development (and impulsive).

I agree but most 9 year olds wouldn’t dream of vaping in class or stealing.

His ADHD will account for some of his behaviour but not all of it.

Agreed but it isn’t linear. He has a 12 year old’s knowledge of the world but missing the emotional development, foresight and introspection of an NT child.

I have to say your thoughts of giving him access to an actual gun is frightening. Impulse control is not his strong suit. My friend who runs a gun range wouldn’t allow him anywhere near. He has proven at this point in time. Not to have control regarding situations.

I would take SS involvement. It’s not all bad.

My father was a police officer. They’d do this thing when children were going down the wrong route. It involved a course with inmates. Sounds horrific but this course was phenomenal and pretty much showed what happened if they carried on down this path

Would be something to look up? I imagine social services might explain about these.

Agreed but it isn’t linear. He has a 12 year old’s knowledge of the world but missing the emotional development, foresight and introspection of an NT child.

Yes you are right but a lot of 12 year olds don’t smoke or steal so there are underlining behavioural issues on top of his ADHD.

OP, no advice except to take all help offered & demonstrate at this point that you are a competent parent in case things deteriorate further. x

Who, in God's name, sold him the gun? How did the seller get hold of it and bring it to school? I would want the answers to that question asap!
That is not minimising anything anyone else has said, but another child brought a gun into school! That child must have got it from somewhere. I have seen BB guns and they look very similar to any other gun!
There are two children who need help here.

I would stake a good portion of my savings on nangs (nitrous oxide canisters used to power bb guns). They are also inhaled for a quick high...

@MichelleScarn

*What is your dh raging about exactly ? Who does he rage at ?* I'd be raging at my son for these actions. Bringing a gun to school, discharging it in the classroom, then shooting another pupil?!

Op didn't say whether dh was raging at the child the school the ss or ???

Op, what was the consequence you and dh gave for your da shooting a child?

When I worked in pastoral care we had a similar issue. The police did a referral and SS helped the family no end. You need this referral. And social services need to know any other children are safe in your house, they would be failing if they didn't check that his siblings were safeguarded adequately, can you imagine if they did nothing and one of your other children were seriously or fatally injured?

Take the help, be proactive and positive around social services, do everything and more of what they ask of you as a family.

I’m sorry OP but you need to open the eyes to the reality that your child is turning into a dangerous young man.

A 12 year old pointed an air gun to my toddler and missed his eye by less than an inch (the pellet ricocheted on a surface next to his eye). It was no joke and could have had serious more permanent consequences.

Your child needs professional help, having a wake up call from the police and social services may be daunting but this may finally open a real possibility for your son to get adequate help.

Social services referral could really help, that is if they have actual time to engage properly and aren't struggling to keep their heads above the water amidst the droves of referrals.
They could refer on to specialist services, psychiatry, CBT, anger management and various other therapies.

This has obviously infuriated you and I am sure to an extent you feel embarrassed that this has landed on your doorstep. Without sounding like I'm downplaying it, try not to jump to end of the world scenarios.
Focus on routine - beyond important, therapies, supports and finding ways to channel his energy and impulses into hobbies, particularly active ones. I see no issue with shooting sports etc because if it's an area of interest for him he is likely to become hyperfocused on it and need to know everything about it, including the importance of safe use and handling of weapons etc.

It's easy to panic when you hear "ADHD" associated with these 'behaviours' but I happen to be married to an ADHD success story who I have known since he was that "wild child" in school and I am so proud of him. Took a lot of structure and routine, his parents deserve immense credit, but it's possible.

@GrandmasCat

I’m sorry OP but you need to open the eyes to the reality that your child is turning into a dangerous young man.

A 12 year old pointed an air gun to my toddler and missed his eye by less than an inch (the pellet ricocheted on a surface next to his eye). It was no joke and could have had serious more permanent consequences.

Your child needs professional help, having a wake up call from the police and social services may be daunting but this may finally open a real possibility for your son to get adequate help.

I totally disagree with this but understand how some people become instantly afraid and feel this way.

There is a massive difference between intent to harm and acting on impulse.

I'm beyond positive if you asked him why he did it his response would be a very genuine "I don't know" 😅 Infuriating I know, but genuine nonetheless.