Disapointed with my ungrateful son this christmas

[MrsSnape]

I feel quite ashamed of my son this year. He's almost 9 and has always been very "brutally honest" but I used to put it down to "kids being kids". I remember one christmas when he was about 3 we bought him all the stuff he wanted and then as a last minute thing, me and his dad decided to treat him to some suprises and spent quite alot on him (board games etc), just stuff he wasnt expecting. We were excited and so pleased with ourselves thinking he'd love them but when he opened them he just said "oh...I didnt want that" and put it aside. BUT as I say, he was only 3 at the time.

Anyway, this year he opened his stocking first, full of excitement, he'd been up all night because he was so excited and couldnt sleep, loved his first present from the stocking (boxer shorts), was thrilled to bits with the 2nd one (harry potter figure), smiled at the 3rd one (another harry potter figure) and then when he opened the forth one (another HP figure) he just said "another one...aww I really wanted snape" and put the others aside.

I let it slide but he was pretty unimpressed with the rest of his stocking so I made a mental note ("overkill on the harry potter stuff")

Then downstairs for the main presents. First he opened a DS game because he'd already guessed what it was and played on that for a bit but whilst opening the rest of his presents he seemed pretty unimpressed with most of them. No thank you's or anything.

Then he opened up a game thing that his dad bought him and said "oh great, he's got me the old one". I got cross and told him not to be so ungrateful and he made out as though he was just kidding but he wasnt.

Anyway he was like it all day.

Today we went to my mums and she had 2 presents there for both the kids each. Whilst DS was opening the first one he first sniffed it and said "it smells funny" and started lauging to which my mum got visibly upset and then when he finally opened it (harry potter quilt cover) he unrolled it very unenthusiastically, let it fall onto the floor and just laughed at it. I was so embarrassed and my mum was blatently offended.

I made him apologise for his attitude and after he'd said sorry he added "dunno what for like" (he DID know)

I just feel like never buying him anything again. Is this spoilt brat syndrome or does he just have an attitude problem??

I'd have been so embarrassed if ds behaved like that , whether he had a specific underlying problem or not. ds is 9 , is probably dyspraxic but conscious enough of social niceties to not be so vocal, although I realise he may not be so far removed as not to think it - cue grimace and slight disparaging remark about Thomas the Tank Engine bits from gp's, he's 9 fgs, so can hardly blame him ! I do think we heap a lot of pressure to be grateful onto kids at Christmas, and risk that they soon take it all for granted.

I do wonder if in your ds' case there is more to it. Perhaps his brother's condition affects him more than you realise or causes you to overlook some of his traits. His language and attitude is not typical of 8 yr olds I've known nor his outspokenness and what you describe as spiteful remarks. It almost sounds like he is trying hard to be big and important in a social world he hasn't got to grips with, for whatever reason. Disappearing into a virtual world is not a solution I fear. Worth raising with school or gp I think, and in the meantime place strict controls over what he can play with so he is clear about boundaries. Above all encourage him to be his age , not a preteen.

Good luck

Thanks for all the messages. I have spoken to DS today and about his attitude towards the presents and he said he DID like them and wasn't aware that it looked as if he didnt. I explained to him that saying a present "smells funny" is not nice and he said "no, it wasn't the present, it was the paper..." so I said "even so, you dont say things like that" and he ended up getting a bit upset (tears in eyes etc) so I honestly dont know whether he was aware of how he was coming across yesterday or not.

I've also put parent controls all over his PC account, he's not allowed on chat sites and his computer use is now limited to 1 hour a day. He DID cry over that, espcially the banning of the chat sites as he says thats the only time anyone talks to him but I persisted and reminded him that he gets to talk to people at karate twice a week and people do play with him at school now.

He really wants to join the army cadets but they have to be 13 to join.

He does try to be important Lizs, thats why he always insists on the best parts in the play and if nobody is talking to him he'll do something or say something to make sure he is noticed. He has dreams of being a rock star too which illusrates his "need to be centre of attention" imo.

I would personally consider letting him on the chat sites if you were with him supervising

you could talk him through his replies and dissuade him from saying things that are going to hack people off

I know this sounds a little controlling, but he obviously needs some guidance in this area and it could help his confidence to build relationships online with your help. It might be worth a try - you can't hover over him suggesting what to do in social situations in RL, but you could do online, and the practice could be useful for him.

When you say he needs to be 'important' it makes me think his behaviour is a bit narcissistic somehow? The lack of empathy as well. It is something that is recognised in children. Would you be able to have him assessed by an educational psychologist at all? It might out your mind at rest. Hopefully there is nothing very wrong, but it would be one less worry if you ruled out anything that can be treated simply.

Mrs Snape is he an only child?

it sounds like he could do with being ignored by the adults for a bit

he does sound rude, but maybe in a mix of children he wouldn't seem so bad IYKWIM, but by himself all the attention on him and his manners/attitude are creating a big fuss over not really much wrong

my ds1 (10) has TS/AS/ADHD/anxiety disorder which makes occasions like xmas pretty tricky to negotiate ...

one thing which helps is to let him know exactly what he's getting - he hates surprises, they make him feel v anxious and if he knows what he's getting he can 'rehearse' an appropriate response - it also means that if his initial response is inappropriate we can get it out of the way without anyone other than me or dh being subjected to it

we also have to prepare him for what's happening and what kind of behaviour we expect (not always 100% guarantee that we'll get it, mind you, but it's a start )

at school, they had a memorial service for armistice day and his head of year was v doubtful about him going in case he said something dodgy - but the SENCO insisted he and another AS boy went, prepared them v thoroughly for what to expect and they both behaved beautifully

I hope you're both feeling happier today

I think he needs 3 younger siblings, fewer presents and to be ignored more rather than all this fuss over what he said was rude or not.

My one my fav ex charges behaved some what like this, he could be hard work but it was absolutly balanced out by the beautiful comments he could make about many things.

I spent hours making a huge pirate cake for his birthday, and it was a small suprise party, his first words when he came in the room was "i wanted to power ranges cake", he also got from his parents a new bike with the spokey bits out back wheel and his first words were "where are the spiky bits for front". This was his 6th birthday.

He was dx with Sensory Sensitivity Disorder so anything he wasn't prepared with he had a hard time handling. He also had a hard time making and keeping friends and was generally un coperative. When he turned six he had special help at school teaching him how to handle situations and making him aware of others feelings. He's now 7.5 and doing much better, his parents are very consistent with what they expect and try to keep him busy with acitivities after school and give him one on one at home(he's the middle of 5)

I still very much find him adorable and I'm sure your son is just as awesome!

Only read down to bottom of page two, but just wanted to respond. Just have to say, I think I spent most of my childhood being moderately crazy in one form or another. I came out of it. My sister was honestly and truly way worse - totally nuts most of the time - and sounds quite like your DS: same issues with friendships and going too far etc. etc. Our parents and childhood were very slightly weird but probably no more so than most people.

Though I says it myself, me and my sis are both doing pretty damn well now, and could be taken for normal any day of the year . Some people just seem to need to spend their childhoods being really very strange. It's incredibly wearing and takes a lot of love but stick with it and it will be okay. Nothing in childhood is an irrevocable step; the trick is not making it one. Don't take it as indicative of their inner personality. Try not to let others do it either (much easier said than done).

I feel for you and your DS. Adults have much more freedom to be slightly odd than the conformist culture of childhood.

Regarding the presents and show of bad manners, this doesn't sound that much out of the ordinary to me, but he does need an intensive course in manners - if you couch it in pragmatic terms i.e. "this is how you avoid upsetting people and getting into pointless fights" rather than "this is how you MUST be or you're a bad person" it will probably help.