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Original poster

Disapointed with my ungrateful son this christmas

134 replies

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 22:19

I feel quite ashamed of my son this year. He's almost 9 and has always been very "brutally honest" but I used to put it down to "kids being kids". I remember one christmas when he was about 3 we bought him all the stuff he wanted and then as a last minute thing, me and his dad decided to treat him to some suprises and spent quite alot on him (board games etc), just stuff he wasnt expecting. We were excited and so pleased with ourselves thinking he'd love them but when he opened them he just said "oh...I didnt want that" and put it aside. BUT as I say, he was only 3 at the time.

Anyway, this year he opened his stocking first, full of excitement, he'd been up all night because he was so excited and couldnt sleep, loved his first present from the stocking (boxer shorts), was thrilled to bits with the 2nd one (harry potter figure), smiled at the 3rd one (another harry potter figure) and then when he opened the forth one (another HP figure) he just said "another one...aww I really wanted snape" and put the others aside.

I let it slide but he was pretty unimpressed with the rest of his stocking so I made a mental note ("overkill on the harry potter stuff")

Then downstairs for the main presents. First he opened a DS game because he'd already guessed what it was and played on that for a bit but whilst opening the rest of his presents he seemed pretty unimpressed with most of them. No thank you's or anything.

Then he opened up a game thing that his dad bought him and said "oh great, he's got me the old one". I got cross and told him not to be so ungrateful and he made out as though he was just kidding but he wasnt.

Anyway he was like it all day.

Today we went to my mums and she had 2 presents there for both the kids each. Whilst DS was opening the first one he first sniffed it and said "it smells funny" and started lauging to which my mum got visibly upset and then when he finally opened it (harry potter quilt cover) he unrolled it very unenthusiastically, let it fall onto the floor and just laughed at it. I was so embarrassed and my mum was blatently offended.

I made him apologise for his attitude and after he'd said sorry he added "dunno what for like" (he DID know)

I just feel like never buying him anything again. Is this spoilt brat syndrome or does he just have an attitude problem??

OP posts:

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ahundredtimes · 26/12/2007 23:15

I think he thinks he's unlovable. I think he's anticipating rejection and that's why he he makes himself unlovely - with the internet sites, with friends at school, with his grandmother with the presents.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 23:15

yes my youngest does have adhd, he's under a behavioural therapist but he's never nasty to people like DS1, just constantly silly.

There are a couple of things that may be "hurting" him emotionally, one is bullying which he HAS suffered since he started school (despite what the school say) but that has stopped now (since he had a physical fight with the "hardest kid in the class") and his karate has boosted him no end.

Also, his dad has really hurt him. He moved out 3 years ago, in with another woman with 2 kids, one of them is 11 and DS's dad spends all his time with him (or so DS thinks) and says that he cant afford to take DS anywhere but the same weekend he'll take this boy to the cinema etc.

He keeps saying he doesnt want to go there anymore and has had councelling arranged through the school but I dont think it was any good.

OP posts:

Twinklemegan · 26/12/2007 23:16

I am very sorry for the OP and others of you who had difficult Christmas days with your LOs. I've no advice to offer because my DS is only 16 months old. But I do feel that this reflects the pressure that I believe children are under at Christmas in particular.

Everywhere they turn they hear the message that they should aspire to have this and that thing, and they have such high expectations of what they will receive. I think they feel genuine anxiety in the run up to birthdays and Christmas that they won't receive the "perfect" presents.

You can call it spoiling, which it is, but society in general has created this monster. Sadly, we parents have to pick up the pieces.

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Scramble · 26/12/2007 23:17

It must be difficult if his brother is annoying and naughty but popular and quite well liked, he is being good but is unpopular and finding it hard to fit in?

DS was struggling with rage and other types of inappropriate behaviour around your DS's age. I really had to think about my reactions and actions towards him, I mad a cancious effort to spend time with himdoing things he liked and things that were a bit more grown up like going out for a meal just the two of us.

It might be an idea to get a second opinion/ professional advice, but I wouldn't panic. It is such a difficult age and so easy to get things wrong and be taken the wrong way. What you said about the chat rooms makes me think he is trying to hard to be accepted by his peers and struggling to hit the right mark. God I have done that myself, new group at work and I have launched in guns blazing and looked like a fool.

The whole laid back I don't care could be a bad attempt to be more grown up and cool, not realising this doesn't work with granny.

ahundredtimes · 26/12/2007 23:17

Poor old ds MrsSnape. I'm not an expert, but to be honest it does sound more as though he IS just behaving like this because he's felt rejected. And so he's doing the rejecting.

Some more, or a different counsellor may help him do you think?

ahundredtimes · 26/12/2007 23:18

Agree with scramble.

Like I said, he's trying to work things out and missing the mark badly.

differentbutthesame · 26/12/2007 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 23:25

yes I agree with the replies.

He isnt like the other kids. He tries to act more grown up, insists he's "emo" when the other kids his age dont even know what "emo" is. He wanted some black hair dye and a chemical romance hoody and he wanted to go to the christmas party like that. I said he would get laughed at and he said "thats why I want to do it, I dont give a shit what anyone thinks, why should I?". I told him off for swearing (which is becoming worse lately too) and said he was too young for hair dye.

I asked him what he would like to do (just the two of us as DS2 already decided on a museum) and he said he wanted me to take him to a rock gig but I think he's too young and I dont want to isolate him further into this "im a teenager" lark

OP posts:

ahundredtimes · 26/12/2007 23:27

Oh he's all out of kilter isn't he? Poor lad.

Is his dad really not able to give him some time? He needs someone to put him back on track, make him feel better and useful so he won't come out the starting blocks expecting to be disliked and therefore being dislikable.

Is the school counsellor out of the question? How are you with him?

Original poster

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 23:28

other times he'll say really sad but sweet things like "do you think I'd make a good dad?" and "I could pass that on to my children" and once he burst out crying because he had it in his head that DS2 would be a terrible father (he's only 6!).

Maybe the reaction to the quilt cover was a bit of harry potter overkill or the fact that it was a "boring" present (he doesnt care about his room or anything like that) but it still doesnt excuse it and I'm sure he would've know it was mean of him to act like that.

OP posts:

Blossomhill · 26/12/2007 23:30

As I said before I would have been very worried. have school said anything before?

Original poster

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 23:30

his dad never phones him or anything. I once asked him if he'd take DS to football once a week as he has a car and he said he was too busy (but had been playing football with his gf's son).

OP posts:

ahundredtimes · 26/12/2007 23:32

Yes, but he sounds like he's a bit confused. He sounds a bit like my ds1 too. Who is very proud I suppose, and wary of being thought of as a 'child' which is ridiculous because he is one. He talks about being a father too, and the other night he was worried about how he'd know how to read a map when he has to drive a car.

My ds1 will say 'thank you' sometimes and pull a face, a face that says 'that was phoney and embarassing', but he doesn't do it to his grandma, which is something!

He'd just rather be a grown-up I think. And he isn't, so when he tries to he gets it wrong.

How will you approach the quilt thing with him? You need to talk about it, but you need to find the right way I think. I think he needs lots of encouragement and surprising praise. I think he wants to be/thinks he ought to be a grown-up and is going about it All Wrong.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 23:33

The school have only ever said that he gets obsessed with things easy, fabricates storys, exagurates and finds it hard to make friends BUT he tells me nobody will play with him, he tells the school that nobody will play with him but the truth is the others invite him to play with them but if they wont play what he wants to play he'll go off in a huff and sit by himself. He would rather be alone than compromise.

His best friend is very passive and I think thats the only reason they're such good friends.

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 26/12/2007 23:35

On the other hand his grandma could have tried a bit harder to find out what he actually wanted. If he thinks he's "emo", he's going to find Harry Potter, particularly a quilt cover, a bit babyish.

I don't, I have a bit of a problem with children having to act grateful for things they don't really want just to protect adults' feelings - maybe because that's what I was forced to do when I was a kid. And if his dad really did get him an old version of a game, I think it's fair enough he was disappointed. His dad doesn't sound like he's making much of an effort towards him, so why does he deserve anything back?

WiFi · 26/12/2007 23:35

OH Dear, we had one like this, her mum went all over the place to get her the dora mermaid. Finally got it on Christmas eve. I bought her a 1.99 teaset in a hamper. She is obsessed with it. My DS last year, ignored all of the expensive presents and was obsessed with alight sabre from the poundshop.

You can't win. I suppose it comes from second guessing children. You are rarely right, what you think they want from you is scarcely what they actually want from you ie. I asked my DS what he wanted today and all he wanted was for me to play with him in the playroom. Luckily, I have my pc in there so I came on here, but he just wanted me to be there.

Elizabetth · 26/12/2007 23:37

I'd also be a bit worried about where he was finding out about "emo" from. I'm guessing the internet, but then that means he's on sites that are too old for him.

WiFi · 26/12/2007 23:38

Whats emo

ahundredtimes · 26/12/2007 23:39

I think he should be off the internet chat rooms too to be honest. They'll do nothing to help his social skills, especially if he's being untrustworthy on them. He doesn't need another avenue for rejection after all.

Work on RL with him MrsSnape.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 23:39

His grandma also got him an xbox game which he's playing on non-stop, the quilt cover was just an extra present. Thing is it did smell a bit funny to be fair but obviously you dont go and say that, thats what he seems to be missing think it, dont say it and I wouldve thought that at 9 he would understand this?

The game wasnt an old version, DS just jumped to conclusions when he opened it as the box was different to what he'd seen...what it actually said was "limited edition" version!

And to be fair, his dad seemed to really try this christmas, he bought them both a huge stocking filled with allsorts and lots of good presents but I suppose its still material when he needs emotional from his dad.

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 26/12/2007 23:41

Music for depressed self-obsessed teenagers. They wear a lot of black. Even less fun than goths.

emo

ahundredtimes · 26/12/2007 23:41

Yes, it is about the emotion isn't it? That's why he said that. He didn't want to say 'Way hay I love Dad, look what he got me' that's far too dangerous for him, he has to pretend not to care and to think it's a dud present.

Poor lad. And the quilt was smelly

Original poster

MrsSnape · 26/12/2007 23:41

the emo thing has come from my friends 15 year old daughter (another person he seems overly interested in).

I'm putting child protection back on the pc tomorow so he cant use chat sites, I dont think they help either.

OP posts:

WendyWeber · 26/12/2007 23:41

Take the Xbox away until he's learned some manners.

colditz · 26/12/2007 23:42

I may be jumping to conclusions, but it sounds like he's trying to be like his dad's girlfriend's son.

Which is heartbreaking.

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