Disapointed with my ungrateful son this christmas

[MrsSnape]

I feel quite ashamed of my son this year. He's almost 9 and has always been very "brutally honest" but I used to put it down to "kids being kids". I remember one christmas when he was about 3 we bought him all the stuff he wanted and then as a last minute thing, me and his dad decided to treat him to some suprises and spent quite alot on him (board games etc), just stuff he wasnt expecting. We were excited and so pleased with ourselves thinking he'd love them but when he opened them he just said "oh...I didnt want that" and put it aside. BUT as I say, he was only 3 at the time.

Anyway, this year he opened his stocking first, full of excitement, he'd been up all night because he was so excited and couldnt sleep, loved his first present from the stocking (boxer shorts), was thrilled to bits with the 2nd one (harry potter figure), smiled at the 3rd one (another harry potter figure) and then when he opened the forth one (another HP figure) he just said "another one...aww I really wanted snape" and put the others aside.

I let it slide but he was pretty unimpressed with the rest of his stocking so I made a mental note ("overkill on the harry potter stuff")

Then downstairs for the main presents. First he opened a DS game because he'd already guessed what it was and played on that for a bit but whilst opening the rest of his presents he seemed pretty unimpressed with most of them. No thank you's or anything.

Then he opened up a game thing that his dad bought him and said "oh great, he's got me the old one". I got cross and told him not to be so ungrateful and he made out as though he was just kidding but he wasnt.

Anyway he was like it all day.

Today we went to my mums and she had 2 presents there for both the kids each. Whilst DS was opening the first one he first sniffed it and said "it smells funny" and started lauging to which my mum got visibly upset and then when he finally opened it (harry potter quilt cover) he unrolled it very unenthusiastically, let it fall onto the floor and just laughed at it. I was so embarrassed and my mum was blatently offended.

I made him apologise for his attitude and after he'd said sorry he added "dunno what for like" (he DID know)

I just feel like never buying him anything again. Is this spoilt brat syndrome or does he just have an attitude problem??

Children get too much IMO. Mine included. Think they should just have one christmas present in total. That'd teach them. Not sure if I am brave enough to do it though.

It does sound fairly brattish, sorry. And although this would have been a BAD course of action, I would probably have binbagged a lot of it and given it to the local health visitor to give to a struggling family who would have been happy and grateful.

I'm not saying you should do that, of course, but that is how I would have reacted.

PS I'd have made him watch too.

I was thinking the same. You see all he really wanted was an xbox 360 and a DS game. I bought them and then went all out to buy every other little thing I thought he might like and by the end of it he just seemed as though he was bored opening presents, I suppose he thought that after so many, they all start to look the same.

Since yesterday he's not bothered with anything other than the xbox and the DS game.

I would have been very cross if my DCs had reacted like that, especially to a grandparent.

Does he have an awareness of how lucky his is in context to others?

If he's a factual character, perhaps he's benefit from learning about others who perhaps aren't as fortunate?

I'd also be tempted to pack up all the stuff he doesn't want, and take it to a charity shop, or a local women's refuge tomorrow morning.

It needed be a punishment, but he could go with you and see how well received the items would be.

Too much too young (in the wordsof the Specials)
We the parents, are to blame of course.

He sounds as if he has no idea how to receive a present.

Does he buy presents for you/siblings/grandparents etc?

I think that children are not automatically kind and generous and altruistic. As parents, one of our jobs is to teach them about caring for other peoples' feelings (including your own), and how "white lies" work.
I shan't use my own parenting as an example because my LO s very much younger than yours, but as a child if I had behaved in the way your little boy did about presents I would have had the presents taken away.

Mine are warned that they must appear gratefull even if auntie gives them paisley pattern pants. They know they would be huckled from the room and given a severe bollocking if not seen to be smiling graciously at this age (8 and 11). At this age I expect them to understand it hurts the givers feelings and makes them look like a brat.

Thing is I had a worry BEFORE christmas that his ungrateful side would show through at christmas and so I sat him down and explained that alot of children dont get christmas presents at all, even in britain some children dont even have food to eat on christmas day. He said "yeah only because they dont celebrate christmas so they're not bothered anyway" so I corrected him and said even kids that DO believe in santa and celebrate dont get presents because some are homeless, some parents dont have ANY money, some parents simply dont care about their kids etc etc....he seemed to understand so I really was shocked by his behaviour, especially today with his grandmother, I felt awful.

I have a younger child with ADHD and even he reacted gratefully towards his presents so I couldnt understand DS1 who is supposed to be "the good one".

What is he normally like? Is he usually grateful for the effort people go to help/buy him things? Kids are usually bad at this time of year and we can usually recognise the time of the day that DD has had TOO MANY TOYS and becomes an UNGRATEFUL MADAM. Its not an excuse but they do have Christmas rammed down their throats with school, tv and the general public from about Bonfire night. Talk to him tomorrow about how he treated his Gran and ask him if he is proud of himself. If he wants apologise then it's the TOO MANY.....syndrome. If not then he's a stubborn one and you have work to do

You could hide his 'good' presents for a week and leave the 'bad' ones for him to play with. Might make him a bit more grateful.

Oh I have to say (sorry to be blunt) but after the attitude with the stocking there wouldn't have been any other pressies during the day until he sorted himself out.

He is totally old enough to know better.

I would really try to get a grip on his attitude now.

I would not hesitate to go with some of the suggestions on here about removing things and giving them to a less fortunate family.

Sorry if you feel I have been too blunt.

Message withdrawn

well he's actually quite spiteful normally. I just dont know whats up with him lately, when he was little he was really sweet, cheerful, friendly and loving and now he's just quite unlikable sometimes.

For instance at the moment he's lost his DS (through not looking after it) and because I wouldnt help him find it he hid his little brothers new DS game that he wanted to take to his grandmas.

His social skills just seem crap, the other day a boy from school was making an effort to talk to him about football (a boy that previously bullied DS but is trying to make it up) and DS just kept saying "yeah well I'm better than you at football, you're crap" etc ... the other kid was even putting himself down and agreeing with DS to keep the peace and still DS was being hostile.

We were walking home from school a few weeks ago with my friend and her daughter and he suddenly said "Cara is thick.." (my friends daughter). I told him off instantly and he didnt see anything wrong with it and explained his actions with "but she is! she's terrible at maths..."

He's like it all the time.

This thread could be about my nephew. Same age. Same attitude. Obviously every child is different, but in the case of my nephew I strongly feel that his parents need to stop softly explaining things to him and appealing to his better nature - it's not making any difference to his behaviour. He needs a firmer hand than they are taking with him, a (metaphorical) kick in the pants.

Agree with chuffinnora. ds1 is only 2.7 and this was his first Christmas where he was really aware of what was going on, but even with him I noticed that after a while he stopped 'reacting' to new presents or even wanting to open new ones, and trotted off to play with something he'd had before for a while. And he didn't even have all that much - it was only the presents from relatives/godparents/friends, not from us (we're spacing ours out over the 12 days of Christmas!). Yes, 8 is a lot older than 2 or 3, diferent worlds, and yes, he should not have behaved like he did. But children are children, and your description of Christmas morning really sounds like present overload more than anything else. I know I felt axhausted after opening my haul of 4 or 5! The really awful bit was (IMO) the way he treated his grandmother's present. That warrants a really nicely written apology and thankyou letter at the least.

(posted before your 22.38 post Mrs S - the social skills thing makes it seem like a bigger picture worry... sorry you're having a hard time)

Sorry to be blunt but I would be worried tbh It's not normal behaviour for a 9 yr old or any child for that matter.

When you say his social skills are crap have they always been?

He also seems really unresponsive to when people are trying to make him happy.

For instance at karate a few weeks ago the instructor was quite excited because he'd got DS a better suit than everyone elses, he couldnt wait to tell him and when he did DS just said "oh" with no expression on his face at all.

Last week he had to leave school early before the christmas party and was quite upset about it. The teacher then said "hey C***...I've just been talking to Mrs Smith and we've decided to have a special party just for you tomorow! what do you reckon?" and DS just looked at her before heading for the door, no response or emotion or anything.

My ds is younger, but he did make a gaffe at a friend's house which embarrassed me - dp and I tend to buy him a LOT of things at Christmas and I suppose as a result he expects that he will get a large number of things from everyone else as well. So when he had 3 presents to open from friends he said "only 3?" I did feel ashamed.

I spoke to him about it later, but realised also that I should have prepared him in advance and given him some cues of what to say if something was not quite what he wanted (ie just keep your mouth shut about it and say "thanks very much!") I noticed that when he was opening some more presents from dp and I after this, he was making some effort to be more polite about it. Eg he got a puzzle - he is not fond of puzzles but I buy him the odd one to see if it encourages him - and he said "A puzzle! Thank you. I don't play with puzzles much... but thank you for getting it."

I would think even a 9 year old could benefit from a brief pep talk before a visit from gps as to what to say, what to do to polite, how to think of what grandma will be feeling, etc.

Yes, I too posted before your 22.38 post, which IMO does put a bit of a different slant on it. The blurting out things is a little alarming. I'm afraid I've no advice beyond that, sorry (which probably makes my post worse than useless to you).

sorry, took me ages to post and I see you have explained much more about the situation since I read the thread

I would still think a bit of social coaching could help him out