Disapointed with my ungrateful son this christmas

[MrsSnape]

I feel quite ashamed of my son this year. He's almost 9 and has always been very "brutally honest" but I used to put it down to "kids being kids". I remember one christmas when he was about 3 we bought him all the stuff he wanted and then as a last minute thing, me and his dad decided to treat him to some suprises and spent quite alot on him (board games etc), just stuff he wasnt expecting. We were excited and so pleased with ourselves thinking he'd love them but when he opened them he just said "oh...I didnt want that" and put it aside. BUT as I say, he was only 3 at the time.

Anyway, this year he opened his stocking first, full of excitement, he'd been up all night because he was so excited and couldnt sleep, loved his first present from the stocking (boxer shorts), was thrilled to bits with the 2nd one (harry potter figure), smiled at the 3rd one (another harry potter figure) and then when he opened the forth one (another HP figure) he just said "another one...aww I really wanted snape" and put the others aside.

I let it slide but he was pretty unimpressed with the rest of his stocking so I made a mental note ("overkill on the harry potter stuff")

Then downstairs for the main presents. First he opened a DS game because he'd already guessed what it was and played on that for a bit but whilst opening the rest of his presents he seemed pretty unimpressed with most of them. No thank you's or anything.

Then he opened up a game thing that his dad bought him and said "oh great, he's got me the old one". I got cross and told him not to be so ungrateful and he made out as though he was just kidding but he wasnt.

Anyway he was like it all day.

Today we went to my mums and she had 2 presents there for both the kids each. Whilst DS was opening the first one he first sniffed it and said "it smells funny" and started lauging to which my mum got visibly upset and then when he finally opened it (harry potter quilt cover) he unrolled it very unenthusiastically, let it fall onto the floor and just laughed at it. I was so embarrassed and my mum was blatently offended.

I made him apologise for his attitude and after he'd said sorry he added "dunno what for like" (he DID know)

I just feel like never buying him anything again. Is this spoilt brat syndrome or does he just have an attitude problem??

Iv'e got my DS into a really good drama group, had a shot at another one but he was one of the youngest and far too many older ones. Tried another newly started one, badly organised and all girls.

The one he goes to now is a good age group, his age and only a couple of years older, seniors meet another night but they all get together for shows, there is a good mix of boys and girls.

Sounds like he might fit in with the drama types, OK there are all sorts there but there is a certain type there too, bit more sensitive perhaps. Def keep up with the karate though but hunt out a good drama group check if they do other nights nearby.

I am at the comments that kids should not have to act grateful. Even if it is a crap present, they earned the money to buy the present, spent the time choosing it, and dammit how does it harm a child to be appreciative of that ?

It sounds like MrsSnape's ds does need professional help. No matter why he is doing what he is doing, he still seems to have alot of heavy issues to deal with, and maybe could use the help.

I'm not too sure, but I think that children with dyspraxia can often have social issues as well - or at least they are part and parcel of being dyspraxic. It might be worth talking it through with the SENCO at school, or make an appointment to see the school counsellor and discuss it with them.

I'm fairly sure it is consistent with his diagnosis though

Mrs Snade, you deserve a big hug and next year, cancel christmas for ds1. you need the next season off.

it may also help him get some perspective.

Yeh purple, I think we all get that, teaching a child to show appreciation for a crap present is out of respect for the giver and shows appreciation for the thought. First step is to get the child to pretend they like it in the presence of the giver.

FGS - that's really sensible isn't it!

Take an emotionally damaged child and cancel next Christmas - what kind of warped thinking believes that will help things

The thing that stands out for me in this thread is the fact that he is allowed to go into chatrooms and that the OP semmed to have to sneak a look at the pc when he was out of the room. This to me shows a shocking lack of control. My nearly 9 year old is only allowed on the computer with my permission, and only on sites I decide he is allowed on.

sorry, didn't have time to read the whole thread, but do you think your ds might have some form of high functioning aspergers? i work with children with asc's and what you've said really resonates with me. Seems like he struggles with understanding social situations, particularly in relation to understanding emotion.

I would agree with Lyra here. His responses are not what you would expect, yet he doesn't sound like he is reacting to how he has been brought up or anything. It sounds mechanical iyswim.

Is there a chance you could get some kind of assessment?

My fingers couldn't type properly last night due to a rather large glass of Baileys, so I'll try again this morning !

Soapbox is right, this sort of thing can often be part and parcel of dyspraxia. My DD will be 9 in a few days and was diagnosed when she was 5, she has received a lot of support for the physical side of the condition with OT, physio, SALT, but there seems to be very little available for the social side. She struggles with the subtle social cues that other children seem to just pick up and will get fixated on things that make no sense to me - I can imagine her noticing that a present felt or smelt "funny" to her. I've worked my backside off on this aspect of her condition and we have now got to the stage where she has learned to act pleased with a present and has actually been a delight this Christmas. But DH and I often find that we present her with a treat, going somewhere for the day for example or if she is bought a magazine or something, then it's not quite enough, she wants something else/different.

I have completely lost the plot over this in the past but have now found that she really doesn't understand why this is wrong, she is beginning to get there with this but it is a slow process. She also seems to lack the ability to stop herself saying what she thinks, though again, this is improving. She has actually vastly improved when I think about it. Still struggles to maintain eye contact and with friendships at school but I feel she has come a very long way and am fairly confident that by the time she gets to 18, this won't be very much of an issue, if I continue to work on it as I have been. She does the same as your DS I think , would rather be on her own sometimes than compromise. As a result now she is trying harder, the other children do reject her when she asks to play as they say they are playing something she won't want to.

I read on here that someone was told by their child's paed to think of things like dyspraxia, aspergers etc as the Olympic rings and that there is a lot of overlap with these conditions. As I said before, I think there is a definite hole in help to deal with these issues. None of the professionals I have spoken to have been much help. She can cope with reading obvious facial expressions, the problems are much more subtle than that. There is a good book on Amazon which I have found quite helpful.

You need to sit your Mum down and explain to her that unfortunately his response is a lot to do with him having dyspraxia. I've found DD doesn't respond well to surprises so have given people an idea of what it is that she wants. I know people will say that she should be grateful with anything and she is now but when she was younger it just didn't work that way. Mum got her something she really really wanted and her face lit up and she gasped with surprise and delight when she got it, happy grandparent happy child. She has come a very long way and has actually been a complete joy this Christmas, which is lovely. But a huge amount of work has gone into getting to this stage and I often find this emotionally draining.

I definitely would stop the chat rooms immediately, he needs to engage in face to face contact with people as much as possible. Agree that drama is good if you can find the right group for him. DD did it for a bit and had an excellent teacher. I think it helped her a lot and gave another source of friends outside school, where it can all get a bit difficult as they are together for so much of the time.

When he goes back to school have a talk with the SENCO and voice your concerns and see if they can come up with suggestions to help. I personally don't think that taking toys away will help at all at this point and will do more harm than good, though I do understand why people who have NT children might say that.

Sorry this long, I hope it's fairly coherent, I am still a bit hungover !

MrsSnape - have you thought about not letting him go into chatrooms? As far as I know, there are very few that are suitable for this age, and most you have to say you're 13 before you can join. And if you do let him go there then I would make it clear that I have to right to monitor what's going on. Not sneaking a look every now and then, but openly checking who he's talking to and what's being said. He's 9 - I'm afraid you need to have absolute control over what they are accessing at that age.

chocolate teapot - your salt should be able to help with social development too. all part of the service! we are there to support all aspects of communication and some childen with asc's have social understandsing as their main issue.

Thank youLyra . I ended up with a fantastic private SALT as the NHS one that assessed DD wasn't much help. But she has had a baby recently so didn't have enough time to address the social side and I am reluctant to go back to the other one. She has made enough progress that I think I am OK with it now , but any suggestions always gratefully received.

Sorry, have not read the whole thread, but do second what chocolateteapot has said regarding the overlap between dyspraxia, AS etc. Would you consider getting him reassessed? My DS3 was initially dx with dyspraxia when he was 8, but has recently also been assessed as having AS too-he is now 18, and I really wish it had been picked up earlier. An awful lot of your DSs behaviour sounds like Aspergers-the sniffing of things for instance (its the first thing my DS3 will do if given something!) Children with AS are also often brutally honest about whether they like a present, and would also literally hate getting something they were not expecting. They often just cannot cope with suprises, even nice ones!

My dd also has an overlap with dyspraxia and AS, very common I think and I have to say I agree with Tiggi that lots of things you have said about your ds rang bells regarding AS with me too.
Children very rarely have a straightforward AS/dyspraxia/ADHD dx. If your younger ds has ADHD then possibly it is hereditary and now adays ADHD is seen as being part of the autistic spectrum anyway.
I really hope you manage to get to the bottom of it all xx

We had a bit of this but only from the 4yr old! Which is quite bad enough and he got a dressing down from my mum and from me. I think it's about time you made damn sure he does know 'what for like'. Does he give gifts to other people? How would he feel if something he had chosen and given was sneered at? Empathy is such a vital skill and never learned too young.

However I think that fewer presents would have been a good idea. It can all get too much.

Ah. Just read further. More than meets the eye obviously. Poor kid Hope you find a solution MrsS.

my ds aged 8 ocassionally makes ungrateful comments which make me furious.

We too often explain that many kids have nothing and even his dad and i didnt get anywhere near what kids get today.

he watches things like children in need and volunteeers to give money so he knows right from wrong. In his case i do think its bratty behaviour- always getting too much.

THis year is was grateful when opened his presents and v.excited (kissing us after opening every one) but i was cross becuase after opening his xbox 360 and a couple of games he asked if he could go to shops and spend his money on another xbox game he didnt get but wanted. thats just spoilt but we can only blame ourselves.

My dd has just tol;d me all her presents are rubbish this includes a portable Dvd player and an mp3 player

I hate Christmas and my DD is a brat

pyjama girl I would take them off of her for saying that!

She has really upset me her nan also bought her a phone which I wasn't too happy about ,but she has just thrown it across the room all the other dc are laying nice but she is just been a little madam . I have confiscated the phone and dvd palyer though .

how old is she pj?

dont they upset you when they are brats like that? Im determined things are gonna change in our house. Totally spoilt kids today. My ds often asks to go and spend birthady and Xmas money like straight after he has opened presents. As if he hasnt had enough and needs more. Makes me mad cos his dad and i are nothing like that. Sometimes i have to warn him before recieving presents off realtives in case he says something ungrateful. He is mostly very grateful but he has said the odd thing which is very embarassing.

HIYA MRSSNAPE.
I THINK YOUR SON PROB WAS A BIT BORED WITH OPENING SOOO MANY PRESSIES MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT SOME ASIDE FOR BOXING DAY. I WOULD GET HIM TO RING AROUND RELATIVES AND THANK THEM FOR THEIR GIFTS WHICH WOULD OBVIOUSLY MAKE THEM FEEL A LITTLE BETTER .
MAYBE ALSO TRY AND GET HIM INVOLVED IN SCOUTS OR ARMY CADETS WHERE HE WILL LEARN THE DISAPLINE AND ALSO LEARN TO WORK WITHIN A 'TEAM ENVIRONMENT' I ALSO THINK THAT HE MAY BENEFIT FROM JOINING A LOCAL YOUNG CARERS GROUP WHERE HE CAN GO ON OUTINGS ETC AND HAVE SOME RESPITE FROM HIS ADHD SIBLING.
WHEN YOU ARE A LONE PARENT WITH A DISABLED CHILD IT IS VERY EASY TO 'MISS' THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER KIDS .....I KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE, WHEN MY SON WAS 5 AND HIS SISTER WHO HAS C.P. WAS A BABY HE WOULD ACT LIKE A LOON WHEN 'PROFFESSIONALS' CAME TO VISIT HIS SISTER BECAUSE OTHER THAN THE INITIAL 'HELLO' HE'D BE IGNORED BY THEM HE'D BE AS GOOD AS GOLD WHEN THEY LEFT.
THE WAY YOUR SON IS ACTING IT COULD BE AN EXTREME FORM OF ATTENTION SEEKING.
GET SOME HELP SOON. GOOD LUCK.