DH self referred for therapy, and social services want to see us. I’m very upset. What will happen?

[Worriedandsad88]

DH has anger problems. It’s very rare, but every now and again he loses his temper and shouts and it’s not good. This isn’t something that has affected the children much, but the last time he shouted we talked long and hard about it and he agreed he needed therapy as we think this is behaviour learned in his childhood and we don’t want the cycle repeated.

He got his self referral through, spoke to an therapist who said he’d get someone to talk to in January.

Then she called again today and said that social services want to come and speak to me and maybe the children.

I understand they need to make sure they’re safe. But I have been crying about this since the call. DH is also very down.

Will they contact the children’s school?

Life feels a mess.

Nothing matters more than my children’s happiness to me. I can’t believe social services want to see them.

Any advice on what’s to happen next will be greatly appreciated!

Now wishing he’d contacted a private therapist and just spent more money. This all feels so huge and so hideous.

I don't have much advice, but can offer a hand-hold and sympathy. We had SS visit us a few years ago when one of our teenagers had severe mental health problems. It did feel intrusive and frightening, and I felt like a failure etc (I tend to catastrophise anyway)

It wasn't traumatic in itself though, they were very quickly satisfied that nothing was amiss at home and were quite happy to close the case - they're so overstretched, they won't spend any more time on you than necessary. Ours did involve the school, as part of the local MASH team, but honestly schools are used to this and won't bat much of an eyelid

A private therapist still would have called Social Services, they are duty bound to.

Are you sure you’re not downplaying your husbands behaviour at all?

I’d say that they are just checking on the well-being of you and the children. As long as there isn’t anything affecting them, I’m sure it will be ok. They may contact the school, just so that pastoral care can keep an eye. It’s something that is being flagged up now due to recent high-profile murders of children.

I’m really pleased that your DH recognises that he needs help and is taking responsibility for it. That’s hugely positive.

Definitely not downplaying as I am the one who told him he needed to do this therapy as I want this anger out of my house and out of my children’s lives for good.

Thank you for the handhold sadpapercourtesan, I feel like a failure somehow too. I would be devastated if they involved the school, who I greatly admire and have a great relationship with.

@QueenofLouisiana

I’d say that they are just checking on the well-being of you and the children. As long as there isn’t anything affecting them, I’m sure it will be ok. They may contact the school, just so that pastoral care can keep an eye. It’s something that is being flagged up now due to recent high-profile murders of children.

I’m really pleased that your DH recognises that he needs help and is taking responsibility for it. That’s hugely positive.

Thank you. It sort of feels like he’s being punished for it. However, I know they need to make sure the children are safe. But still.

They probably will talk to the school, but the school are definitely used to this sort of thing. You won’t be the first or the last time they’ve talked to social services.

It probably is invasive and scary, but social services aren’t the childcatcher, they're also going to prioritise your children’s happiness, and hopefully you can all make a plan together. Social services got involved with my niece because of problems she had at home and school and they just made a plan with her parents.

Therapy is definitely the best thing for your husband, rather than hushing up his problems, so I just advise you to keep calm and try and get through it with the kids best interest.

I know, it's humiliating and horrible to go through. You'll look back on it in a few years and be glad you did the brave thing and got DH the help he needs, though - this bit will pass xx

I used to downplay my ex's 'anger issues'. He also self-referred. It helped for a time. The more counselling I had and research I did on domestic abuse, the closer I got to leaving. It escalated. It always escalates.

Where do you draw the line OP? One day it's name calling, another humiliation in public, the next it's pitting the DC against you and making threats. A few months or year down the line it'll be a shove and hand round the throat, then eventually punch in the face.

Good luck OP.

It’s really humiliating I try incredibly hard to be a good parent! It is so important to me. And one of my children’s teachers is an ex colleague of mine as well who I really respect. I honestly can’t stand the shame, and feel devastated that - no matter how much I try to give my children a lovely childhood - that social services is still getting involved in their lives. (I know I’m catastrophising!)

@TerraNovaTwo

I used to downplay my ex's 'anger issues'. He also self-referred. It helped for a time. The more counselling I had and research I did on domestic abuse, the closer I got to leaving. It escalated. It always escalates.

Where do you draw the line OP? One day it's name calling, another humiliation in public, the next it's pitting the DC against you and making threats. A few months or year down the line it'll be a shove and hand round the throat, then eventually punch in the face.

Good luck OP.

This is not how he acts at all. He doesn’t humiliate or call names or hit. He shouts and gets very strict. It isn’t often, but I know it comes from his own childhood (his mother struggled) and I do not want my children around that so it has to stop and now.

Trust me, if he was abusive in any way, I’d go.

I felt exactly the same, OP, I cried buckets over it. Felt like the worst parent in the world, and also felt like there was a neon sign over my head proclaiming it to the world.

It really wasn't as awful as all that in reality, nobody in school was judgemental - only a very few people knew, and they didn't know details. And remember that by going through this, to get your DH to address the anger issues, you're doing what's best for your children - hold onto that.

Honestly. It’ll be a light touch visit or phone call to assess the situation. The fact he has self referred is a very positive factor.

You'd be surprised how many meetings the school would be involved in like this, so you wont be standing out from the crowd.

Its just making sure your kids are okay, given the news lately with angry adults hurting kids it's a wise precaution.

He hasn't had a session yet? He's never met the therapist? What on earth did he say on the phone to make SS want to come round?

Also, it's just your ego that's hurting. Let it go. It will all be OK.

There is absolutely nothing humiliating about asking for support. And nothing humiliating about a welfare check being done on your family. They are keeping your children safe. This is absolutely how the system should work.

But if everything is as you say, you have nothing to worry about. This is exactly what being a good parent looks like.

@Woofwoofbarkbark

He hasn't had a session yet? He's never met the therapist? What on earth did he say on the phone to make SS want to come round?

Also, it's just your ego that's hurting. Let it go. It will all be OK.

I don’t know. He told them about his childhood - he went to boarding school at age 8, he was hit when he was “bad” and his own mother used shaming as a way to get him to behave a lot. I thought that’s what he’d talked about. Perhaps he said all that scares him now he has children, I actually don’t know.

Thank you everyone for your comments so far. I feel a tiny bit better! But honestly still so devastated. As is DH.

I’d be devastated too.

I’m amazed SS have the capacity to get involved with this at this stage tbh!

Is it odd that they have? I’m really concerned. I am going to ask him exactly what he said in the referral conversation.

He said the woman who called today was nice, and gentle, but this feels enormous.

I understand it's embarrassing, but focus on the fact that it's a good thing they're checking because for the 99 times everything is fine, there will be 1 where it isn't. But if they're going to find that 1 they need to see the 100.

So whilst your kids are fine, this cautious approach means that a child that desperately needs help will get it.

Hopefully this will drum it into your husband that he must continue with therapy to sort his anger out, it’s great that he has engaged but it would have been better if he had recognised he needed help himself rather than doing it because he’s been told to. My ex sought counselling after I said his jealousy was out of control, he didn’t continue with it and said he only did it to shut me up.

Anyway, he seeking help so that’s a good thing and I’m sure all will be fine with SS.

You have no idea what your husband said to the therapist, for all you know he might have said he hits the children when he's angry. A referral wouldn't have been made for no reason.

@NotVictorianHonestly

I understand it's embarrassing, but focus on the fact that it's a good thing they're checking because for the 99 times everything is fine, there will be 1 where it isn't. But if they're going to find that 1 they need to see the 100.

So whilst your kids are fine, this cautious approach means that a child that desperately needs help will get it.

I know you’re right. I just feel so sad and awful that they think my children might be one of the ones who are suffering

I know it’s great that they’re double checking and it’s so important. And I know I’m catastrophising. I feel like I’ve got rocks weighing me down i feel so low about it. Thank you all for your replies so far though.