DH self referred for therapy, and social services want to see us. I’m very upset. What will happen?

[Worriedandsad88]

DH has anger problems. It’s very rare, but every now and again he loses his temper and shouts and it’s not good. This isn’t something that has affected the children much, but the last time he shouted we talked long and hard about it and he agreed he needed therapy as we think this is behaviour learned in his childhood and we don’t want the cycle repeated.

He got his self referral through, spoke to an therapist who said he’d get someone to talk to in January.

Then she called again today and said that social services want to come and speak to me and maybe the children.

I understand they need to make sure they’re safe. But I have been crying about this since the call. DH is also very down.

Will they contact the children’s school?

Life feels a mess.

Nothing matters more than my children’s happiness to me. I can’t believe social services want to see them.

Any advice on what’s to happen next will be greatly appreciated!

Shame and embarrassment often stops people getting help. Don’t let it hold you or your family back. Your DH has asked for support, now let him get it.

Jesus, this is why people don't ask for help. Do they do the same if you self-refer for depression?

@StucklnAChimneyCantGetOutOflt

Jesus, this is why people don't ask for help. Do they do the same if you self-refer for depression?

If they think the depression means the children are at risk, yes.

SS aren't the enemy.

Can't believe ss would be in touch just because a parent is being shouty sometimes? Must be more to it

@StucklnAChimneyCantGetOutOflt

Jesus, this is why people don't ask for help. Do they do the same if you self-refer for depression?

And if the therapist didn’t refer and something happened to these children in a moment of anger? I guess you’d be on another thread saying “Jesus a man tells a therapist he has anger issues towards his family and no one thought to flag it to ss”

@trigo

Can't believe ss would be in touch just because a parent is being shouty sometimes? Must be more to it

Agreed. I think OP’s minimising and vague references to “occasional shouting and being a bit strict” will raise more red flags with SS than this initial referral.

It's just all contradictory, dh has anger problems, it's very rare - well everyone loses their temper sometimes? What makes dh different? What he does? He shouts - at what? Who? For how long? What's he saying? He copies his mother who shamed him, so he does the same to you? The children? It doesn't impact the children but He shouts and gets strict with who? You? The kids? That cat? Obviously ss don't get involved for just sweet FA, they haven't got involved with my situation yet and my own partner has self-referred for "anger problems"... something more is at play here.

@StucklnAChimneyCantGetOutOflt

Jesus, this is why people don't ask for help. Do they do the same if you self-refer for depression?

Only if they disclose things that suggest somebody else could be in danger - like situations where men murder their children because their wife has chucked them out for domestic violence.

I think if your (or anybody else's) husband were saying for example, they might as well blow up the house/drive in a wall/wish she was dead/am filled with a rage where he fantasises about killing her/will never let her take his children/will make sure she never sees them again/will regret it/etc in a session, you'd damn well want it to be reported rather than kept a secret until the Serious Case Review went ahead and they said 'Oh, yeah, he told me about it but, well, you know, privacy and all that'.

OP, he's obviously disclosed something very concerning to the therapist for her to do this.

Why do you see social services contact as a personal punishment? Your husband has sought therapy- that's fantastic and it must have been difficult making that call! Be open with children's services, they are there to check on the safety and wellbeing of your children, which, if you want the same for them, you should be grateful for.

Be prepared for the possibility that his behaviour has impacted on the children and you haven't fully understood or witnessed how. For SS to have the capacity to pick this up something is being minimised by or to you I think.

Well I finally spoke to DH in detail about what he said.

He told them that he is scared when he gets angry, is frightened he’ll hit the children because he has wanted to. He has not hit the children before to my knowledge. He says he hasn’t and I believe him - besides, the children would tell me instantly.

He also told them a story about how he pushed over a sitting baby when he was a child and it made him feel powerful and how that memory haunts him. I found the story a bit chilling too.

My guess is that’s why they’re coming.

I am definitely not minimising his behaviour. He’s getting the therapy with my persuasion.

I feel completely mentally exhausted.

Bless you I'd be upset by this too. I really hope you find the experience supportive and constructive and your husband works on his issues to protect the children.

Counsellors only refer on to other services like SS if they believe that their client could be at serious harm to themselves or others, through eg. Suicide or murder, or when they admit to or intend to commit a serious crime eg. they admit to murdering somebody or are planning arson or a terrorist attack.

Can't help with most of this but from the perspective of worrying about them approaching the school.
I work in an SEN school, the nature of the children we have means a lot of social services involvement. However if there are concerns about a family then that is shared on a very need to know basis and is very much not gossip etc. Even if it was someone in my class I would likely not hear more than 'keep an extra eye on x' or 'listen to anything x says carefully and let me know if anything concerns you'. I wouldn't be told specific details of issues at home unless I really needed to know.

This isn’t something that has affected the children much,

Yes it absolutely will have done.

Therapists will only break client confidentiality and alert third party agencies if there is a very real and immediate safeguarding concern. Breaking confidentiality for less serious reasons could jeopardise the therapist’s accreditation, so they don’t do it lightly at all.

His own historical childhood traumas would be nowhere near the threshold for breaking client confidentiality. Therapists hear about historical childhood abuse and trauma all the time. ?

He must have told the therapist something that made them believe the children were at immediate risk of harm.

@Tippexy

This isn’t something that has affected the children much,

Yes it absolutely will have done.

Absolutely this

Having also had an angry ex in a similar situation, my advice would be:

• be honest with yourself. You already knew this situation wasn't ok, or you wouldn't have sent him to therapy. However, ignore some of the more dramatic suggestions - she could have referred due to the temper and anger alone (still not ok, but not what some are alluding to)
• be kind to yourself, this situation doesn't arise overnight, and not every abusive parent is the sadistic, escalating one that people talk about here. Many were damaged kids who grew up not knowing how to parent without damaging - and it's very very sad for everyone, but you have to save your kids from the same cycle. They have the responsibility too - but that will be a long journey and might not be able to happen in the same house.
• look up Boarding School Syndrome. It's a big deal, and often shows up as kids get towards the age that the person was themselves sent off to school
• BUT don't spend too much of your energy on supporting and consoling him. I bet it's what you've done for ages. You need to preserve your energy for you, and your kids, and what comes next.

They will do an initial assessment to explore how DH behaviour impacts on the children. The fact that DH is seeking therapy is a protective factor so will be seen as a positive iyswim. Work with them and they will probably disappear after the initial assessment as long as they are satisfied there is no risk to the children

'getting the therapy with my persuasion' - OP people have to want to get therapy for themselves, if they are there because someone else has made them go its less likely to be successful.

Have you thought about doing the freedom program?

Calling in SS doesn’t necessarily mean the children are at risk, although there may be an element of that depending o what he’s told
The therapist. They are also a service who can and do offer support to families who need it.

Your husbands anger issues must be quite severe and maybe you’ve become accustomed to them and don’t see them for what they are. It’s good that he is seeking help, that takes a lot of courage but who is there to help you and the kids? This is what social services will want to know and perhaps they can offer you support to help you through this too.

Social services aren’t just about taking kids away. I wish the narrative was more positive but the media don’t like to publicise their success stories.

They are following up to make sure he isn't hitting you or the children. Be proud of dh that he has taken this step.

What will you be able to tell ss ?

That the dc are doing fine at school? Are they?
That he has never hit you or them? True?
That his anger has never left you feeling scared? True?
That you have a plan or strategy when dh is angry? That you have family support?

"every now and again he loses his temper and shouts and it’s not good."

There may be support you can access
Ss are coming to see if you and d c are OK, day to day
And you can be honest about your concerns

He shouts and gets very strict

Can you elaborate on "gets very strict"?

I'm the safeguarding officer in a large secondary school. I have a child under a Child In Need plan because their (lone) parent is too strict. It's emotional abuse:

• too controlling
• ignoring the child's wishes
• devaluing the child's opinions/thoughts
• blaming outcomes of poor parenting on the child
• painting the child as "bad" for behaving in age-appropriate challenging ways.