DH self referred for therapy, and social services want to see us. I’m very upset. What will happen?

[Worriedandsad88]

DH has anger problems. It’s very rare, but every now and again he loses his temper and shouts and it’s not good. This isn’t something that has affected the children much, but the last time he shouted we talked long and hard about it and he agreed he needed therapy as we think this is behaviour learned in his childhood and we don’t want the cycle repeated.

He got his self referral through, spoke to an therapist who said he’d get someone to talk to in January.

Then she called again today and said that social services want to come and speak to me and maybe the children.

I understand they need to make sure they’re safe. But I have been crying about this since the call. DH is also very down.

Will they contact the children’s school?

Life feels a mess.

Nothing matters more than my children’s happiness to me. I can’t believe social services want to see them.

Any advice on what’s to happen next will be greatly appreciated!

@Worriedandsad88

It’s really humiliating I try incredibly hard to be a good parent! It is so important to me. And one of my children’s teachers is an ex colleague of mine as well who I really respect. I honestly can’t stand the shame, and feel devastated that - no matter how much I try to give my children a lovely childhood - that social services is still getting involved in their lives. (I know I’m catastrophising!)

You’re not catastrophising, but you are making this all about your feelings and minimising the impact on your children. Your children are living in a household where one parent has admitted that his anger is so bad he needs therapy. This is very detrimental on their mental health and well-being which is most likely why SS have been notified. You need to see it for what it is - professionals ensuring children are safeguarded. Stop talking about being embarrassed or humiliated and start thinking about how you can work with SS to not only support your children but also your DH. In other words, be proactive.

In my experience in training to be a counsellor, it is drummed in that you must break confidentiality and flag to other authorities if you feel that your client is at immediate risk of harming themselves or someone else.
Something he said may have rang alarm bells about him potentially being scared of losing control of his temper etc.
The positive is, he is actively trying to help himself and that’s very encouraging.
This must be hard for you, but try and welcome SS in for them to see things are actually ok, and your husband just needs some support.
I think you’ll be just fine if he continues doing the work of therapy and making a conscious effort to apply everything he learns.

@Saffy123456 that’s what stood out to me too and I said up thread that my ex agreed to therapy only to shut me up.

This is the start of a new chapter for you both. You’ve both done such a positive thing for your future. If there is nothing for SS to worry about then they won’t. Seeking support shouldn’t be shameful it should be a positive experience.
I wish you and your husband the best. Don’t let this put you off working through stuff.

I know you're not feeling great, but honestly, all of your anxieties seem to be focused on being embarrassed about other people knowing about your situation rather than reflecting on why a professional is so worried about your children's welfare that she has contacted Children's Services, who have then agreed that the case meets threshold for an assessment to be completed.

There is very little regard in your posts to how your children may be being affected by what they are seeing at home. You seem adamant that they are fine and untroubled by one of the two most important and trusted adults in their lives shouting to such an extent that he has agreed that he needs therapy. You don't even seem that concerned that he sometimes feels so angry that he almost loses control and hits them.

I don't understand how you can have so much empathy for your husband, now an adult, having lived through difficulties as a child due to having an abusive parent but then show no recognition that this is now happening, broadcast live to you, to your own children.

Whatever you do OP, don't try to "coach" your children into following a specific line. Let them be honest with SS. If you try and coach them, it will show and raise 100 x more red flags. This is an opportunity to get support, they won't remove your children if your husband is seeking support and you're all safe. They often meet the children at school without parents present to get a true conversation, they do it all very child friendly etc often through play. So don't be too concerned about this. I get it's scary, but they are not the enemy. You may even get some decent family help out of them and they could be able to push for quicker and extra therapy for your husband

Don’t feel humiliated. The police and SS visited my DH and children when I attempted suicide. There are some things that cause an automatic referral. It’s mostly so that they can see for themselves that you and your children are alright and to assess what extra support you might need. It’s scary to be put in the system. I know exactly what you mean feeling like a failure. One of the reasons they went was to assess if I was a danger to my children as well as to myself. The process is brutal but it’s necessary for your DH to get the help he need and is asking for and for you to get any extra support you might need.

His childhood sounds horrible. Mine was too and one of the reasons I went off the rails was as my children approached milestone ages of when serious trauma had happened to myself as a child that would trigger all these memories and flashbacks and...well anyway...things I thought I had endured, survived and put behind me came back with a vengeance. Your DH might be having similar if any of your children are at or approaching an age when he was traumatised as a child.

So handhold from me and you can get through this. You will both be stronger and better parents by going through the process. He’s done the right thing to admit he needs help. They’ll see that you’ve been a huge support and an anchor for him.

@StucklnAChimneyCantGetOutOflt

Jesus, this is why people don't ask for help. Do they do the same if you self-refer for depression?

No. Schools would need a full time person to deal with SS if everyone who saw their doctor or a counsellor for depression got a SS follow up. And SS would need ten times the staff.

@Cuwins

Can't help with most of this but from the perspective of worrying about them approaching the school. I work in an SEN school, the nature of the children we have means a lot of social services involvement. However if there are concerns about a family then that is shared on a very need to know basis and is very much not gossip etc. Even if it was someone in my class I would likely not hear more than 'keep an extra eye on x' or 'listen to anything x says carefully and let me know if anything concerns you'. I wouldn't be told specific details of issues at home unless I really needed to know.

I could have typed this. Also from a specialist school perspective. I barely know anything. Absolutely nothing is shared outside the safeguarding lead or family worker, unless it's absolutely necessary, even then I wouldn't know any details.

What @Blossom64265 said. Great that he's now getting help but don't downplay the effect/don't let him downplay the effect his behaviour has or will have.

Also, as an ex SW I'm very surprised that they're getting involved at this stage without something having being said. I know his therapy is confidential but you two need to be having open and honest conversations now about how he's feeling genuinely.

They will just want to chat, probably to you both together and maybe separately too. They will likely want to speak to the kids, privately. The important thing is to let the kids speak to them naturally and say what they need to say, don't coach them, it's really obvious when parents do this. If he's committed to getting help and the kids can be kept safe by you both, and nothing major has happened as you say, then please don't worry.

You have no idea how much it’s an an impact on your children. Something has prompted the referral.

They can only break confidentiality for serious safeguarding concerns. It’s the same whether private or public funded. He must have said something concerning I guess? Or it could have been misinterpreted. I think you just have to remember that they always need to investigate, most of the time it turns out to be nothing but without an investigation it could be. It’s probably much more common than you think and people just don’t talk about it.

I must say it is unusual that SS would get involved like this simply because someone has been referred and assessed for counselling.

Something that your husband said during an assessment/1st session must have been a red flag. As a result they are likely concerned that he is not controlling his anger with your kids and that this might turn into physical violence.

See it from their point of view: they have to check that your kids are fine. That's their first priority. Hopefully they will just talk to you and your kids to confirm that there is no abusive/violent behaviour and be satisfied that he is addressing his issues.

@Abbsie

He shouts and gets very strict

Can you elaborate on "gets very strict"?

I'm the safeguarding officer in a large secondary school. I have a child under a Child In Need plan because their (lone) parent is too strict. It's emotional abuse:

• too controlling
• ignoring the child's wishes
• devaluing the child's opinions/thoughts
• blaming outcomes of poor parenting on the child
• painting the child as "bad" for behaving in age-appropriate challenging ways.

Would you mind giving some examples of those behaviours? Your post has made me extremely paranoid! 😱

@Worriedandsad88 What your DH said to the Therapist sent chills down my spine. I'm not at all surprised they're involved, that's scary.

I have been asked numerous times by Social Services about children in my classes. I think sometimes the parents would be shocked by how their behaviour and their partner's behaviour affects the children. It's a good wake-up call for these parents to have an outside agency scrutinising the situation and offering support and guidance. It's a reminder that their actions have real consequences for the children.

OP, you may well have little to worry about here. But if I were you, I would be open to hearing an impartial opinion about your dh and about your reactions to his anger. It's easy to normalise behaviour you should not.

It's all about what is best for your dc. Not for your dh. You just have to remember that this is not about rewarding dh for being 'good' in seeking therapy or punishing him for behaving badly when angry. It is about the effect on your dc, and to an extent the effect on you.

Lots of people go to boarding school and lots of people have shouty parents at some point.
Something has seriously troubled him and I dont' think you should be quizzing him really. Poor man he obviously has a lot to work through.

Is there something in your past that makes you feel you must be seen as above reproach parents? (I was like this as I had an alcoholic parent which caused me much shame growing up) I'm sure much of the SS interest is routine, sadly this is uncomfortable for you but the DCs come first.
Following the recent news items about battered and murdered babies the Social Services are bound to be cautious.

I think what you.and your dh have done is really brave. Social services will no doubt see that everything is OK and also be impressed that you're both so self aware and very keen on breaking negative learned behaviour so your children are as happy as possible

@Worriedandsad88

Well I finally spoke to DH in detail about what he said.

He told them that he is scared when he gets angry, is frightened he’ll hit the children because he has wanted to. He has not hit the children before to my knowledge. He says he hasn’t and I believe him - besides, the children would tell me instantly.

He also told them a story about how he pushed over a sitting baby when he was a child and it made him feel powerful and how that memory haunts him. I found the story a bit chilling too.

My guess is that’s why they’re coming.

I am definitely not minimising his behaviour. He’s getting the therapy with my persuasion.

I feel completely mentally exhausted.

This in itself is cause for concern but the shouting and being overly strict can emotionally abuse depending on what is exactly is happening.

Your family is going the right thing in seeking help. X

As pp said, a private therapist would have also called ss.
We had a visit from SS when a women's organisation reported me when I fled DV. Honestly, it wasn't that bad but I do understand the feeling like a failure, and it's hard to talk about given the stigma. They just want to analyse the risk to you and the kids. With me they just came to the house when ExH was at work to see DD playing and look at her development, school was not told. SS then wanted to see ExH at the offices and had an interview with him, then signed us off and gave me a direct phone number just in case I ever needed it.

OP, I can’t tell you how much I wish I had been as brave and honest as you, and how much I wish my ex had been as caring as your DH has been in seeking help.

SS aren’t a punishment or a sign of shame. They are carrying out due diligence protocols and will see quickly that the children are not in danger and that as a family you and your DH are doing such a positive thing in seeking to address his issues.

@GrannytoaUnicorn

[ QUOTE]
Abbsie

Can you elaborate on "gets very strict"?

I'm the safeguarding officer in a large secondary school. I have a child under a Child In Need plan because their (lone) parent is too strict. It's emotional abuse:

• too controlling
• ignoring the child's wishes
• devaluing the child's opinions/thoughts
• blaming outcomes of poor parenting on the child
• painting the child as "bad" for behaving in age-appropriate challenging ways.

[/ QUOTE]

Would you mind giving some examples of those behaviours? Your post has made me extremely paranoid!

----------------

I can't give you a specific examples because this is a real child in need I am supporting. But I found this quote on the NSPCC website that may help you understand emotional abuse:

"My dad's controlling behaviour really upsets me. He controls everything; what we eat, where we go, what we do, even when and what we watch on TV. I am only allowed out to go to college. He won’t let me have a phone or laptop. He calls me horrible names and just makes life at home unbearable for us all... I feel like my dad is stopping me from achieving what I want with this controlling behaviour and then he'll blame me for being a failure.”

(Girl, 16, NSPCC 2019)"

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/emotional-abuse#article-top

Kraken makes a good point; it can be sobering for your husband to see how his behaviour is perceived by outside agencies. When something like this forms part of the fabric of a family dynamic, family members can be enmeshed in little protection rackets, which make it hard to reflect on impact.
Try to relax, and know that you have done the right thing calling time on your husband's outbursts; he's being out of line, SS involvement confirms this, and they've got your back. It is counterintuitive to switch allegiances when you have been invested in supporting and emphathising with a person who has made transgressions, for the sake of keeping together and protecting a family, which, incidentally, your husband has shown much less regard for.

You're not a bad parent and neither is he. He has a problem which he has recognised and is getting treatment for. There is absolutely no need to feel shame about this - everyone has shit that happens in their lives, no one will judge you and if they do then they're not worth your worry.

I know it's hard but once the shock has worn off, you'll feel much better and calmer.

We went through a very similar thing this year, my dp sounds exactly the same as yours, aside from the fact that my dp did end up hurting one of our dc. Not badly, but obviously completely unacceptable and an inevitable escalation without any intervention in my opinion. I made him call the Drs (who prescribe his meds) and we knew full well ss would be called. They were lovely and helpful and a good source of support and information. It's great your dh is being so open and honest and wants to be better, honestly for a very shitty situation I think you're in the best starting place you can be.
Having said that, it is scary, and I did cry when they called until they reassured me the kids would definitely not be taken!!