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Original poster

DH self referred for therapy, and social services want to see us. I’m very upset. What will happen?

104 replies

Worriedandsad88 · 21/12/2021 17:57

DH has anger problems. It’s very rare, but every now and again he loses his temper and shouts and it’s not good. This isn’t something that has affected the children much, but the last time he shouted we talked long and hard about it and he agreed he needed therapy as we think this is behaviour learned in his childhood and we don’t want the cycle repeated.

He got his self referral through, spoke to an therapist who said he’d get someone to talk to in January.

Then she called again today and said that social services want to come and speak to me and maybe the children.

I understand they need to make sure they’re safe. But I have been crying about this since the call. DH is also very down.

Will they contact the children’s school?

Life feels a mess.

Nothing matters more than my children’s happiness to me. I can’t believe social services want to see them.

Any advice on what’s to happen next will be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
catlovingbeth · 21/12/2021 18:45

I’m a school safeguarding lead and we are often contacted for welfare checks on children - barely anyone else at school is told and it doesn’t change how I look at families. I know it’s hard not to worry, though. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Worriedandsad88 · 21/12/2021 18:50

@catlovingbeth

I’m a school safeguarding lead and we are often contacted for welfare checks on children - barely anyone else at school is told and it doesn’t change how I look at families. I know it’s hard not to worry, though. Good luck with it all.
Thank you that’s really reassuring. I have a feeling my elder’s teacher (not my ex colleague, who is my younger’s teacher) might be the safeguarding lead. I really like that teacher. I can’t help but think they’ll judge everything my elder does differently now.

Is there any way I can find out who the safeguarding lead is? Do schools put it on their sites generally?

Your comment is really reassuring though.

I feel absolutely gutted. This is all making me resent my husband. Not healthy of me! As I’m glad he’s finally talking to someone about his childhood and what effect it’s having on his adult life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedandsad88 · 21/12/2021 18:52

Ok I googled and the school does say who the safeguarding lead is and it isn’t my child’s teacher. Will the teachers be informed by the safeguarding lead?

OP posts:

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catlovingbeth · 21/12/2021 18:56

Are your children at a primary school? If I am contacted for a welfare check and I don’t already have any concerns about the children, I would normally ask the class teacher for some information about how they are (we are normally asked standard questions about children’s attendance, punctuality, how they seem in school, how parents engage with school etc). I personally don’t normally say that it is a children’s services enquiry to the class teacher but that will depend on the school. We are often not told what has prompted the enquiry unless something more comes of it.

Oblomov21 · 21/12/2021 18:57

"He said the woman who called today was nice, and gentle, but this feels enormous."

Don't be lulled into a false sense of security OP. He clearly said something to her that raised alarm bells. If he doesn't know fear he was he said that was a red flag, that would be worrying.

Saffy123456 · 21/12/2021 18:58

All therapists have to report if they have concerns that a child is at risk of harm, so your husband must have said something in the initial conversation/referral. How bad is the shouting / strictness?

Artichokeleaves · 21/12/2021 19:00

They'll want to know you're safe too, and that you're in a position to put the children first if necessary to protect them and yourself. They may well liaise with school, it's a quick way to know if there are wider concerns/observations and also because they will want to make sure you and the children have support, however they will also be aware this is very sensitive information for you. Safeguarding information is shared between school staff only as necessary and with strict confidentiality. Flowers Its scary I know, but SWs are there for safety and for practical advice and help, and you could use the support.

Original poster
Worriedandsad88 · 21/12/2021 19:02

He’s still working (at home) so I can’t get much out of him now (on and off zoom calls as a deadline tomorrow). He said he didn’t say anything to her apart from about his childhood and how he doesn’t want to be like that to his children. But he must have said something alarming? I don’t know what!

All this is really upsetting Sad

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 21/12/2021 19:02

Social services is just going to check in. Everything will be fine in that respect.

Where you are wrong is that your children are not being impacted by your husband’s anger issues. If they live in your home, they are being impacted.

They are learning to watch their own behavior so as not to risk setting him off. Feeling responsible for the emotions of another person, especially a person in authority is very damaging.

They are feeling fear every time they hear him yell, even if the anger is not directed towards them and even if they are in another room.

Justkeepon · 21/12/2021 19:03

This isn’t something that has affected the children much

How would you be sure of this OP? An angry parent will definitely be affecting the kids, and it obviously affects you enough to tell him he needs help from a therapist. The Social Services will have to make sure that his anger isnt affecting the children, I would imagine.

Unsure33 · 21/12/2021 19:03

Treat this all as a step forward. Every one will be trying to help not judge .

Faevern · 21/12/2021 19:04

@Saffy123456 I was just wondering this, surely not everyone with children who refers themselves to therapy has social services involvement? Does there have to be a trigger or red flag?

The fear of social services intervention is what stops many mothers seeking help when they need it. Are social services are contacted as a matter of course?

inheritancetrack · 21/12/2021 19:05

Please don't worry about this, it's just a normal thing to do which the therapist must report. It's just to chat about how the children may be affected and I'm sure you can reassure them and they will discuss any issues they may feel important

PartyPrawnRingGames · 21/12/2021 19:08

You need to be honest with yourself about if his behaviour really is not affecting the dc. Are you sure you aren't minimising anything? These things can affect them more than you might think.

At the same time I must say it wouldn't make me keen to continue with this therapist if I were him.

Makingnumber2 · 21/12/2021 19:08

@Worriedandsad88 try not to be worried about them contacting school or think that if school were to be told they would be judging you negatively. I work in a pastoral role in a school and if a parent told me their partner had self referred for therapy to try and break a childhood cycle of poor anger control I would be thinking how positive that was and wishing more parents were reflective about their behaviours and how they impact the family and proactive enough to reach out for help. I hope your DP finds the therapy really beneficial

squashyhat · 21/12/2021 19:08

How hypocritical people are. Haven't recent high-profile cases had the wolves baying for SS blood because they didn't get involved quickly enough? They can't win can they?

BoredZelda · 21/12/2021 19:08

Now wishing he’d contacted a private therapist and just spent more money. This all feels so huge and so hideous.

Your husband referred himself for therapy for his anger, and this is what you wish?

Anyway, wouldn’t matter, a private therapist would have the same professional responsibility for safeguarding of children. Whatever he has said, it caused them concern. Maybe that should be your concern.

girlfrombackthen · 21/12/2021 19:12

Hi OP. All the professionals involved here (the therapist, teachers and social workers) have a duty to ensure the safety of your children and they are simply doing their job.

It is great that your DH has recognised he needs support and is taking steps to address his behaviour... You may not feel your DH's behaviour impacts on your children or is abusive; they may feel differently and they have the right to have their voices heard.

I understand you are worried but with respect, this isn't about you or how others perceive you as a parent... it's about your children.

FusionChefGeoff · 21/12/2021 19:16

It's such a shame that there's such a stigma attached to help from social services - it should be considered a real perk to get seen but I do completely understand how you're feeling.

Can you try to change your perspective and see them that as maybe offering part of the solution to get DH the help he needs rather than assessing your parenting??

tara66 · 21/12/2021 19:18

You should be glad SS are checking up on your children - so many have fallen through the net in the most awful way recently.

Saffy123456 · 21/12/2021 19:19

The red flag is if the therapist thought a child was at risk of harm, abuse doesn't have to be physical to still be abuse.

sadpapercourtesan · 21/12/2021 19:22

OP, all these posters saying "you should be pleased" would be just as horrified and upset as you are if SS came knocking on their doors. Yes, we all understand that checks and balances are necessary to protect children at risk, but that doesn't mean it isn't traumatic, frightening and embarrassing when it's your family under the microscope. There's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling.

minipie · 21/12/2021 19:28

Look at it from the perspective of SS, OP.

At the moment they have no idea whether your H has been regularly beating the children and has self referred for therapy in a moment of regrets, or whether he is nowhere near abusive but has self referred out of an abundance of caution and to be a better parent.

From your posts it sounds like he is closer to the latter but they don’t know that yet. The self referral is a sign they need to find out more information, nothing more nothing less.

Hopefully once they have asked more questions it will become clear that there is no danger to the DC and they will close their file. Equally, the SS referral may help your H be extra careful about his behaviour. Silver lining.

Franklyfrost · 21/12/2021 19:32

I think he said something honest like that he’s worried he’ll be lose it and do something violent or that he thinks he might be emotionally damaging the children. The therapist is then obliged to check that the children are okay and that your partner is being honest about his fears rather than downplaying the reality. It will be stressful until it’s done, don’t give up getting help.

FAQs · 21/12/2021 19:43

Good for him for seeking help, it's hard having had a shit childhood and having your own highlights had bad your own were. It's a positive thing he is doing and very hard to take that step. Especially as he might have to raise long hidden memories.

I'm sure this would be seen as a good thing.