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Original poster

lack of empathy or fear of consequences - horrible bad behaviour

114 replies

Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 12:59

Hi All,
I have a SD who is 9, I've been with her father for 5 years and we have 2 children together. The SD lives with us, and her mother is a nightmare and will do anything to be awkward even if it impacts her daughter, who she drops like a hot stone when she cant be bothered with her.
Everything was fine, even when our first child was born, but when SD's mother split from her BF at the time SD changed overnight into this frankly awful child, who doesn't care for anyone in our family.
I've left the room before for 2 minutes to put something in another room and returned to find my toddler grey choking on something, and the SD just calmly watching from a meter away, who when the "entertainment" was over just turned and walked away - never asking if the little one was okay.
She will go out of her way to steal, lie, bully, damage things, ignore you.
She has reduced her father to tears before but just watched without a care in the world until he snapped and shouted at her - then it was the tear act of woe is me, I'm being yelled at.
We've tried every reward or punishment system out there and stuck to each one for weeks and she just doesn't care.
We always say if you do A, then B will happen and consistently follow through, but she will moan you do B, but then do A straight away again.
Nothing works - both myself and her Dad now look forward to the weekends where she isn't there.
Her behavior has been like this since 2019, and I'm dreading her hitting being a teenager. It's so bad i've even discussed my partner moving out as her shocking behavior is not fair on the little ones. The youngest has recently been rushed to hospital, and no, she hasn't asked once if he's okay (he is). I'm at my wits end.
I know I sound really uncaring, but for 3 years hardly a day has gone by where she hasn't deliberately gone out of her way to ruin everyone else's day. (NB she knows if she behaved she would be included in family things, but that bad behavior results in her not getting them).
She seems to think she shouldn't be punished for lying, stealing, bullying, destroying things - and if she is, then she'll punish us for daring to do something to her.
Sorry this is a bit rambly any suggestions or constructive negatives greatly received

OP posts:
Flurbegurb · 10/11/2021 13:04

She's 9. Her mother sounds horrendous and she's had to get used to you and two new kids in 5 years. That is a lot for anyone to have to deal with and it's no wonder she's miserable and kicking off. What is she like at school?

Can you get some kind of family therapy as your post is very much her vs the rest of you and she sounds absolutely miserable.

Floundery · 10/11/2021 13:04

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Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 13:10

At school she is fine, but there are echo's of her behavior from home, such as in groups she must be the one in control. When the other kids wont do what she wants she will go off to the library, rather than do what someone else wants.
Generally she follows the teachers without incident.
She was starting to act up at the after school childminders and at her grandparents. So it isnt just at home, but i'd say we get 80% of it

I agree getting into a war isnt a good idea with a kid, but she can't just bully the little ones and make them cry because she is bored. Or get them to do something she knows is wrong just to enjoy watching them being told off, or destroy things...I'm currently waiting for my 5th dining table set to arrive because she destroyed the other 4

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Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 13:12

SD does have a referral into CAMS for her food issues, as during all the court stuff we had to go through recently to move her to a school close to home (Mother wouldn't allow it - even though she said she agreed it was better for her), it was noticed all the interaction with her mother was food, food, food, what are we having, are we baking, are we getting take away etc
We hope that the CAMS will roll into the other stuff but I've heard mixed reports from people

OP posts:
Flurbegurb · 10/11/2021 13:35

I think she/you all need professional help, seems like there is an awful lot going on. Can you go private and be seen urgently?

Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 13:50

@Flurbegurb

I think she/you all need professional help, seems like there is an awful lot going on. Can you go private and be seen urgently?
Unfortunately not Sad. I've tried to get her Dad to take her to the GP to get a referral that way, but for a long time he didn't realize she was as bad - I was on maternity, he was at work. He only really realized when everyone switched to WFM - now he does 90% of the disciplining) - and I only step between her and the others, when they need protecting. Now we are on the CAMS list taking her wouldn't do much more - that's why I was hopeful people might be able to suggest something we haven't tried
OP posts:
Flurbegurb · 10/11/2021 13:57

Can you ask for a meeting with the school and ask if they can provide any pointers or escalate the referral?

Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 13:58

@Flurbegurb

Can you ask for a meeting with the school and ask if they can provide any pointers or escalate the referral?
That is something that might be worth a shot, SD's new schools headmistress turned out to be my partners old primary school teacher
OP posts:
HellonHeels · 10/11/2021 14:08

You could be waiting ages for Camhs. Private family therapy would be my suggestion. If you do it, a spirit of openness and accepting that you might encounter really difficult stuff will help.

Your SD's behaviour does sound hard but she needs careful help to unpick and express what's going on for her and you need to hear it. You are suffering, but undoubtedly so is she.

Shewholovedthethebanhills · 10/11/2021 14:13

Previous poster is right on the arms race. This is why that style of discipline is so ineffective and ultimately harmful. You need professional support and I would really go private if you possibly can. I can recommend someone who helped us and I believe does virtual sessions at the moment. Send me a message if you’d like her details.

CovidPassQuestion · 10/11/2021 14:20

She's 9.
Of course she seeks control- everything in her life is done to her.
Hopefully therapy will help her process and deal with the changes she's had to accommodate.

Floundery · 10/11/2021 14:32

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Coronawireless · 10/11/2021 14:39

Not much empathy in your post for your little SD is there?

Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 14:41

Unfortunately we wont be in a position to do this until the second half of next year, so we have to limp along ourselves until then, or we get the one decent CAMs

OP posts:
VincaMinor · 10/11/2021 14:47

She sounds like a very angry, unhappy child and she needs help with that. What sort of family things is she excluded from as punishment?

Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 14:56

@VincaMinor

She sounds like a very angry, unhappy child and she needs help with that. What sort of family things is she excluded from as punishment?
If she misbehaves we wont or she wont (depending on the activity) go on a day trip planned that day (thats the big one), others include no TV time, or no xbox time. If she is acting up in the summer, and we are having a BBQ, she will stay inside and have her food inside. She is always told why - Doing X is unacceptable, because.... You were told before/earlier if you did X you would not be allowed to join in
OP posts:
Coronawireless · 10/11/2021 15:00

Excluded from day trips and made to eat separately from everyone else? In her own home? What on earth is her father thinking to allow this?
You and him are definitely a major part of the problem.

Billandben444 · 10/11/2021 15:07

I've got no experience of this but would some 121 with her dad on a regulars basis help? Does she feel that nobody cares about her so she might as well fulfill your expectations of her?

Colin56 · 10/11/2021 15:10

@Delfinn12345
So let me get this right - you have a 9 year old who is obviously distressed, trapped between two warring parents, with a step mother who she does not get on with (because she introduces random punishments) , two new step siblings and a family break up all within the past five years - so she was 4 when this happened and you wonder why she is unhappy????

Exclusion from day trips and eating seperately from the rest of the family? Really? You are the problem here. That poor kid.

You urgently need to change your tune and your husband too and get family therapy. She should be included and any negativity worked on with positivity. I get she is rude and unhappy etc. But she is 9!!!!!
9 years old and you expect her to process all this.

Words fail me when I read stuff like this. Everyone failing that kid and you call her the problem. Expect her to walk out as soon as she can - I would.

Colin56 · 10/11/2021 15:12

@Delfinn12345

Unfortunately we wont be in a position to do this until the second half of next year, so we have to limp along ourselves until then, or we get the one decent CAMs
God. Astounding. Lets wait till next year while she suffers because of us.... Go get private therapy FFS.
Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 15:21

First off let me clear some things up, I'm not the "evil step mum". Her Mother and Father broke up when she was 3, and I've raised her as my own since she was 4, she was integrated happily into our family unit, even when her little sister was born.
When her mothers boyfriend left her mam in 2019 it was like a switch was flipped - I suspect there is abandonment issues going on, as it was him, not her mother who did things and took her places.
Secondly neither her father or myself are going to let her physically hurt her younger brother or sister because she and i quote "feel like it" and then let her join in a family activity.
Thirdly if we could afford the therapy we would be in it, or are you suggesting we dont pay bills or buy food?

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Goldenbear · 10/11/2021 15:21

I agree with above. I have a 10 year old DD and she is still so young and innocent. If this has been going on since she was 4 why hasn't your DH shielded her from the turmoil, love bombed her. My DH would move heaven and earth for our DC and would never exclude his DD from meals, isolate her, harshly withdraw days out. It just sounds like endless consequences due to her behaviour around your DC that you see as little and vulnerable around her but she was little and vulnerable and still is and she is just an outsider looking in. How does she even begin to process all that even seems rejected by her own mother!!

Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 15:37

@Goldenbear this hasn't been going on since she was 4, I started helping to raise her at 4 when she moved in. Her behavior switched practically over night at the end of 2019. when she was 6 nearly 7.

It isnt linked to the arrival of her little sister, as again we had over a year of her little sister being here with no issues, and we were very careful to make sure she was included and had 1 to 1 time with both her father and myself

But if you think she shouldn't be punished for intentially pushing her little brother or sister down steps (there is 2 in the garden, before you say there should be gates) that's your parenting choice

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Coronawireless · 10/11/2021 15:47

You sound like the SM who is all gushy over the new man’s child until she had children of her own, then bam! Bye bye stepchild.

Original poster
Delfinn12345 · 10/11/2021 15:47

If everyones finished agreeing on how awful I am, does anyone actually have any constructive suggestions that might improve the situation?

Her father and I aren't stupid we know nothing we have tried so far has worked - but are open to suggestions

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