Real feelings of anger and dislike and resentment towards baby

[Nosleep21]

I feel as though I haven’t slept for the best part of a year, and I haven’t.

What worries me is my own feelings of anger and resentment towards my baby. I am co sleeping because I have to - he just refuses to sleep in his cot - but he seeks out my stomach with his feet and pushes down, kicking me all night. No matter how many times I move his legs he moves his feet back. He sometimes really hurts me. He also grabs my face and pulls my hair.

He hardly sleeps at all. Goes to bed at around 8, though often later, then wakes between midnight and 1 kicking and waving his arms around. He often nods off then something wakes him and he starts pushing down/grabbing me again.

My eyes sting with tiredness and I get no time to myself. As soon as I pick him up from nursery he’s grizzly and upset because he’s tired.

I do love him and I used to love spending time with him at baby classes and swimming and long walks but I work full time so we never get to do these things now. And the nights are beyond horrific.

Is there any end in sight?

@Nosleep21

Suggestions are fine.

you are the problem its like letting him play with knives sleep train fgs are not fine tbh.

Anyway - pills. I don’t want pills because they cause problems with sleeping: last thing I need and plus I don’t feel I want to discuss it over the phone or at all really.

Which pills? There are different kinds, dosages etc.

Again, defeatist.

Agree with pp you need to give something at least 2 weeks to work. No one likes their little one crying. No one has a baby and thinks great, really looking forward to sleep training! I'm my honest opinion though a couple of weeks where you do supported sleep training, accepting they will cry but you won't abandon them, is much the lesser evil than potentially another year plus of them not sleeping well and you feeling anger and resentment towards them.

I also think 11 months is a great time to make this change. When they're 18m or 2.5yrs, so much harder. I had to get expert help with my daughter when she was 4yrs old. Didn't want to end up there again so did sleep training at 12m with ds. I didn't think it would work but it did, and hardly any tears either. I was really surprised.

Do you drive? Could you not take him for a drive to get him off to sleep and put him in his cot or crib next to you on your return. Not every night but as a last resort it may help to settle him.
It’s sad you feel anger and resentment towards him but sleep deprivation is horrible.

It isn’t so much that I won’t sleep train but that everything tried has been ineffective

He’s not old enough for you to have tried. You have to be consistent over weeks, even months. You said you didn’t post about his sleep but you’re exhausted, resentful, angry because you have no sleep.
So surely getting child to sleep through the night by not mollycoddling him and letting dh put him to bed is dealing with the source of the issue? Persist and you will have more sleep, be less resentful and angry which makes for a happier you and a happier baby.

It’s really difficult I know, OP, sending you a big hug. My DS2 was an awful sleeper and combined with having DS1 under two, it was really tough. I don’t think people always understand how difficult it is, when you have a bad sleeper, DS1 was a good sleeper, DS2 certainly made up for that & some! I can remember it well. No golden answer I know, I tried everything with DS2, GP, cranial osteopath, white noise, crib, Moses basket, he still came into my bed every blooming night, it’s totally awful, but it will get easier. Sounds like you are doing you best, you can’t do anymore than that.

Op the reason you’re feeling so shit is because you’re not sleeping. If you can sleep you will feel completely differently about your baby. That’s why people are going on about how to get your baby to sleep.

At first the sleep training will be really difficult and you don’t want to continue. If you push through it you will eventually have a child that sleeps.

I had no problem with my first, but my second damn near killed me. Never did I co sleep though. I’d breast feed when he woke up, but he’d always go back into his cot afterwards. I think we eventually cracked it once he went to school. He is a very bright child and needs the mental stimulation to wear him out. When he’s off school he’ll wake in the night again no matter how physical he’s been in the day.

I haven't read the whole thread. You need to sleep train - best thing we ever did for DS when he was 11 months. He kicks you in bed because he's next to you, the solution is to move him! I'm all for cosleeping if it means a better night's sleep for both but it's clear it's not working for you.

Hey OP

It’s going to be hard for anyone to offer suggestions and advice when you discount everything that’s being offered.

But still, a note that you are heard and not on your own.

Good luck and take care

OP I’ve been there, I have felt very angry and resentful with my DS, and also was self harming in the middle of the night out of desperation, I didn’t recognise myself during extreme sleep deprivation. Similar situation, co sleeping but he was thrashing around and constantly restless, also where when he was younger I could wake up and put a boob in his mouth and both go back to sleep that stopped working and he needed to be sat up and rocked.

I know you don’t want advice really but I don’t know if anyone has mentioned habit stacking, I had to get my DS to sleep in his cot because of the impact of my mental state on him, habit stacking to get him to fall asleep in his cot on his own for the first part of the night helped a lot and then we did gentle sleep training. Lynsey hookway on Instagram has info on habit stacking. If he has never fallen to sleep on his own in his cot, he will get incredibly distressed at being put in there so getting him used to that first will help, it will take weeks though it’s not a quick process.

I know you just want to vent and I understand you’ve had some unhelpful replies but I will say this, it is normal to feel anger and resentment to your DS when you are not sleeping. But just because it’s normal it doesn’t mean it’s healthy for anyone. I appreciate you don’t feel able to change your sleep situation at the moment, that’s fine, but then you need help to cope with it. Medication or CBT would help you manage those feelings. I don’t think it’s fair to feel that way to your DS and do nothing about it. You could have another year of poor sleep ahead of you. I have suffered with PTSD so I know what it’s like to struggle and how hard it can be to seek help, but there will be medication options that could work for you. I know if we hadn’t managed to improve DS’s sleep I would have had to go down that route.

Sleep training also hasn't worked for us so far. I am very tired. I don't have any good advice but I do wish you the best. If you have a partner could they take baby one full night just to let you sleep? Even if they don't get much sleep you might feel a lot better just having one good night.

Totally understand why you feel like this. I felt this way too. It's also completely fine to want to vent and not have to listen to advice you don't want to hear.

But - if you do want to change the resentment you feel towards your baby, I think the only real solution is for you to get more sleep. Tiredness distorts everything, it makes the achievable feel insurmountable, it can make you angry. You know all this, it's there in your OP. Of course the solution to getting more sleep needn't necessarily be sleep training - but it's the most obvious and the fairest to your baby, who needs to learn this skill. It's your job to teach him. Saving medical issues, which I'm assuming you've checked out, it's too soon to write it off. First because you can't have tried everything, and second because your DS is developing all the time and what didn't work a few weeks ago might do the trick exactly now.

Apologies, because I know you don't want to hear any of this - I didn't either! But I was wrong, mired in exhaustion and the PND that came out of that. And with respect I think you're wrong as well.

I get you @Nosleep21. My 13 month old sounds very similar. Still wakes 6-7+ times a night, were going through a particularly rough patch at the moment. I can count the number of times he's slept longer than 3 hours in a row on one hand. I am exhausted, I have a constant headache, my eye sting, my body aches. Have tried various gentle sleep training methods, they didn't work. Even paid for sleep consultant advice, didn't work. CIO is not an option for us either. Have fiddled endlessly with naps/ bedtime/ sleep environment, nothing makes any difference. I've come to the conclusion that he'll just sleep through when he's ready too which removes the worry that I'm doing something wrong but is no help in the short term. I am utterly evil To DH when he has split nights or an especially bad night, it's rough but that's what lack of sleep does! I expect nothing, I mentally prepare myself for a few hours of sleep and anything else is a bonus. We go to bed as soon as baby is down to maximise chances of sleep. It's grim, sending hugs x

If you can afford it I’d definitely look at a sleep consultant who can actually look at your baby and figure out something that will work for him.

Pick up/put down was the only thing that ever worked for DS1 as like your boy he had a real need to be held to be comforted. Exhausting the first few nights but it did work for us.

but he seeks out my stomach with his feet and pushes down, kicking me all night. No matter how many times I move his legs he moves his feet back. He sometimes really hurts me. He also grabs my face and pulls my hair

He doesn't "seek out your stomach " and the grabbing your hair and face is normal. You should really seek help and counseling 💐

OP I had a child who did not sleep through the night till she was 7 years old. She did have eczema though and I was actually told by obstetrician before she was even born that she was an '' irritable baby''. Those years are just a blur to me now.

8 is very late. Try creeping his bedtime earlier. He may be an overtired baby which is causing his wakings and unsettledness.

That sounds so hard For the kicking, could you try a sleeping suit rather than a sleeping bag (I.e. one with legs) Our son has a Jojo sleep suit as he kicks around and gets frustrated in a sleeping bag.

A bucket load of sympathy for you OP because none sleeping babies are just the absolute pits. Ruined my maternity leave if I’m honest - maximum respect to you for being back at work and surviving. I remember audibly cursing the NCT for “tricking” me into breastfeeding at 3am one morning when DS had been latched all night long. Ive got a picture of me baking a cake at 5am - DS had finally crashed out but I was a complete insomniac at that point. I laugh now but at the time I was depressed and anxious. Nearly a year on, I still have unread WhatsApps from concerned acquaintances (only had the mental capacity for close friends, at that point).

Didn’t sleep train. Not because we were fundamentally against it. Can’t even really remember why - I think I was worried about breastfeeding ending maybe? Or maybe that I just couldn’t actually face making any actual decisions. Rocking the already overturned, sinking, on fire boat if you will.

Its all been okay in the end. I hope it will be for you too

@tara66

OP I had a child who did not sleep through the night till she was 7 years old. She did have eczema though and I was actually told by obstetrician before she was even born that she was an '' irritable baby''. Those years are just a blur to me now.

Is this even English

Sleep deprivation is actual torture. I hope things get better for you.

Is this even English

It clearly is English. Unnecessary and nasty.

Well excema can make anyone irritable especially if it’s severe.

@Malibuismysecrethome

Well excema can make anyone irritable especially if it’s severe.

Yes, but the post said the baby was said to be irritable before birth

Yes, but the post said the baby was said to be irritable before birth

I imagine it was in the context of an ultrasound- baby reacting strongly to the exam. It would be more usual (and polite!) to say lively or energetic, but I can imagine irritable being chosen as an adjective too.