Real feelings of anger and dislike and resentment towards baby

[Nosleep21]

I feel as though I haven’t slept for the best part of a year, and I haven’t.

What worries me is my own feelings of anger and resentment towards my baby. I am co sleeping because I have to - he just refuses to sleep in his cot - but he seeks out my stomach with his feet and pushes down, kicking me all night. No matter how many times I move his legs he moves his feet back. He sometimes really hurts me. He also grabs my face and pulls my hair.

He hardly sleeps at all. Goes to bed at around 8, though often later, then wakes between midnight and 1 kicking and waving his arms around. He often nods off then something wakes him and he starts pushing down/grabbing me again.

My eyes sting with tiredness and I get no time to myself. As soon as I pick him up from nursery he’s grizzly and upset because he’s tired.

I do love him and I used to love spending time with him at baby classes and swimming and long walks but I work full time so we never get to do these things now. And the nights are beyond horrific.

Is there any end in sight?

Newborns don't self settle, they feed to sleep generally.

Also, I said about falling back to sleep once worked during the night. Everyone wakes multiple times during the night, except we all just fall back to sleep without remembering.

Honestly OP, I know you're tired but you're not willing to change the situation apparently. Being stubborn and ignoring advice from people who have been there is really silly.

He’s having split nights, which can (helpfully) be caused by being both undertired and overtired. Which is your DS?

I had months of split nights with my DD and it was hell on earth. Of course you’re angry! You’re human! I felt angry, distressed, hysterical at times. I couldn’t see that it would ever, ever end. I felt hopeless and desperate and absolutely despairing. Your feelings are completely normal, given what you’re going through at the moment.

@Nosleep21

I don’t think so *@blink1eight2* but anyway it wouldn’t be effective here so shall we leave that particular suggestion?

Sounds like the problem is you tbh.

A breastfeeding specialist told me the pushing their feet against your stomach thing is something to do with comfort seeking, and that if you gently hold their feet at the soles it does the job. Not sure if the theory is true, but I tried it and it worked for me.

I understand you can't think straight but you can get help for PND (go to GPs) and you can sleep train this child. If you won't help yourself nothing will change.

I mean this gently, but it's your job as a parent to do the best for you child and what you are currently doing clearly isn't. If he wanted to play with knives or eat candy you wouldn't let him even if he screamed the house down right? Teaching him good sleep habits is the same. It's time to sleep train for both of you.

My son was like this and CC just resulted in him getting so worked up he would be sick and take at least an hour to calm down. It genuinely does not work with some children. We changed to a full single size Montessori bed before one. You have to secure the room as they can roam but it meant I could lie next to him while he fell asleep then get up and leave and repeat in the night. He fell asleep quickly and without a struggle with either parent lying next to him then we moved to sit by the bed, then by the door, then out of the room as he got older. Might be worth a try, all you need is a mattress on the floor in your son’s room.

If done properly and consistently, it always works

Agree. You can't give up just because the baby, you know, cries. Resenting you child is a thousand times worse than a few nights of crying and even being sick.

In your situation I would be looking at sleep training.

And @hopingbutlosing what a ridiculous and downright fucking rude response! OP wanting to comfort her child and not have him distressed while falling asleep (to her own detriment) is nothing like letting him play with knives FFS!

I’m sure I am the problem as after all who would want such a shit mother?

You’d probably wake up crying too.

Right, so you don't want to sleep train...

What time does he wake? What nap/s does he have and how long for? Where is he in terms of development and teething as this can impact sleep too? How well does he eat? How much outdoors time does he get?

I’m not seeking advice about his sleeping. I’m asking about me and largely just venting.

An attack on my parenting isn’t what I posted for.

@Nosleep21 Please don't be hard on yourself and I know it's frustrating when everyone is saying the same thing to you and you feel it won't work. It's like shouting into a void

I have been where you are, albeit slightly younger DS. Nothing worked and I had also tried a book (I can't remember which one, I think Happy sleep).

BUT, when I looked back, I hadn't really tried it. I had a bit of an inconsistent sleeping routine, I cut corners and gave in quickly when DS cried and I was still helping him get to sleep so when he woke in the night he still needed me. I think I actually only tried it for 4 nights and 'loosely'

I have just read the thread posted by @chairofindefinitestudies up thread and this is actually what we did when I just snapped one night. I was rigid..,I did not stray from it one bit and after 6 nights he was a changed baby. He went from waking 3/4 times a night for half an hour at a time and being brought into our bed to sleeping 7.30-6.30 without a peep in the space of a week. And I wouldn't have believed it was possible!

So I know you say it won't work and you have tired it but each baby is different. Some respond to different methods better so it's worth researching and picking one you think will fit and then sticking to it.

Otherwise, I echo others on sleep consultant. My friend recently spend £300 and said it was the best money she's ever spent.

Best of luck with getting a better nights sleep!

@Nosleep21

I’m not seeking advice about his sleeping. I’m asking about me and largely just venting.

An attack on my parenting isn’t what I posted for.

OP, you have had some harsh replies but people are focusing on trying to help you get your child sleeping better as your feelings of anger and resentment are completely in twined with lack of sleep!

Do you think you'd still feel this way if you got 7.5hours solid a night? Do you think your DC would still be grizzly if he got a full night?

So people are focusing on what is probably causing you to feel this way and trying to offer advice to improve it

Yes, I have had some very harsh replies which have not helped with my feelings of anger and frustration and unhappiness (which was my reason for posting - not about sleep training) at all. So I refute people are trying to help.

Some are of course.

At 11 months we sleep trained my twins. We would wait 4 mins when they cried then 6, 8 then 10 never going over 10 so would just go in every 10 mins. I would sit sobbing outside their door but it needed to be done so I could enjoy being their mummy. We are all so much happier now that everyone is well rested. They are two and are going through a bad sleep phase again but we just never rush in when they are upset. They feel happy and safe in their cots now and apart from the usual regressions and illness are excellent sleepers.

I am pregnant again and will not be taking any shit from this kid now I've seen how much better it is for us and the children to sleep train.

I see you want advice regarding how you feel. Do you have depression? Have you told your doctor about how you feel regarding the baby?

People always ask me how they sleep so well then judge for sleep training and are like 'oh I couldn't do that'. It's upsetting as it was f* hard to do to my babies who are my favourite people in the world but it was what is best and is how we have kids who happily go to bed and stay in bed 7-7. If you ask advice like this the advice will be sleep training. If your baby hasn't learnt at 11 months then they need teaching using a bit of tough love or you will have a bad sleeper forever.

The other thing that really needs saying, imo, when it comes to sleep training is that people can get hung up on 3/4/7 nights of distress/difficulty while going through it, totally disregarding the months or years of disturbed sleep to child and parent, emotional impact, consideration of how a young brain is supposed to learn and grow when totally knackered.

In real life people will be polite and make sympathetic noises about broken sleep as though it’s some unavoidable thing (which it rarely is for a NT child) but really, why put up with this? You wouldn’t feed your kid junk food every day of the week or let them play in the road - why is this behaviour ok?

You can’t get a doctors appointment - it’s telephone only and I don’t feel comfortable discussing something like this on the phone. Plus I’m not sure what they can do to be honest: I doubt pills will help.

It’s nice when people understand really. I’m not seeking any solutions here. If you look at the time stamp you can see I posted very early in the morning and has been up since before 1. Then up again at 6. It’s pretty relentless!

Can we please stop with the sleep training?

It worked for you, great, it didn’t work here. It doesn’t have to be an argument or a big deal.

There's a Facebook page called 'The Beyond Sleep Training Project' which is based around not sleep training. You might get better tailored advice there (they're huge fans of sleep training on MN).

I don’t think I need anything really … just a vent / sympathy is all. Just so bloody exhausting.

FWIW, I wouldn't sleep Train with either of mine. My advice would be to completely baby proof his bedroom, get rid of the cot, put a mattress on the floor (preferably a double, but a single will work fine), get him to sleep on there with you and then ninja roll away and head to your own bed.