Real feelings of anger and dislike and resentment towards baby

[Nosleep21]

I feel as though I haven’t slept for the best part of a year, and I haven’t.

What worries me is my own feelings of anger and resentment towards my baby. I am co sleeping because I have to - he just refuses to sleep in his cot - but he seeks out my stomach with his feet and pushes down, kicking me all night. No matter how many times I move his legs he moves his feet back. He sometimes really hurts me. He also grabs my face and pulls my hair.

He hardly sleeps at all. Goes to bed at around 8, though often later, then wakes between midnight and 1 kicking and waving his arms around. He often nods off then something wakes him and he starts pushing down/grabbing me again.

My eyes sting with tiredness and I get no time to myself. As soon as I pick him up from nursery he’s grizzly and upset because he’s tired.

I do love him and I used to love spending time with him at baby classes and swimming and long walks but I work full time so we never get to do these things now. And the nights are beyond horrific.

Is there any end in sight?

I would suggest joining a cosleeping group on Facebook. UK cosleepers is good. Loads of members have been where you are and will be sympathetic and have suggestions to improve things.

They need to be in their own room in a cot. Honestly this is just not working for you. You need your space.

I had similar with my second. We co slept until she was nearly one after which I had to get her back into a cot because she was so wriggle and disturbed.

Turns out she overheats and gets hot so sleeping with me was a nightmare. I was over dressing her - she needed less than my eldest which confused me. Luckily now, age 9, she can tell me what she feels! Easier to deal with.

Also any change in sleeping arrangements will take a couple of weeks to bed in - so give yourself time. I would try a cot next to you, try different bedding for him (eg a thinner sleep bag. What bedding is he under when with you?

If it’s not the heat, rule out any physical cause eg reflux. How is he on solids?

Does he have a dummy?

Could not agree more with others who suggest sleep training. He needs his own space to sleep and now is a good time to address it before he gets much older.

Babies adjust really well and need to learn how to sleep independently. You mention his bedtime is 8:30 or later. I would move it to 7pm (something about this being the best time for them to sleep) and be super consistent with his routine.

I agree with some sort of training - we did CC at about the same stage with DS. Here's my logic - they need sleep, not giving them the tools to sleep isn't doing them any favours either. I'd sit down with your OH and come up with a plan, book some time off work and go for it.

What does his day normal look like? (Food, nap)

Sleep train FGS! It sounds like you’re utterly desperate so I don’t understand the reluctance at this point.

I do appreciate the replies but it’s no good saying over and over to sleep train. Sleep training is only any good if it works.

He does start the night in his cot, usually wakes about two to three hours later and then that’s it - won’t go back in it. He naps in it during the day (at weekends now, but before I went back from maternity leave he was fine in the day, you could set the clock by him.)

Am fairly sure he isn’t too hot as he has a summer sleeping bag and just a nappy underneath.

What worries me is how angry I often feel with him. It’s a horrible way to feel.

Sleep train. It's not cruel when your child is not sleeping and is tired. You don't want to be stuck sleep training a stubborn toddler, just do it now.

You haven’t tried sleep training, how do you know that it won’t work?
He needs his own bed in his own room, the chances are that he is waking because you are waking him.
If you are insisting on co-sleeping, I would disassemble your bed, put the mattress on the floor, buy another single mattress and put it next to yours. Sleep across both mattresses, give yourselves room.

I agree with you op. If you can sleep train your baby then you haven’t got a problem sleeper!!! Mine was awful and couldn’t in anyway be trained. No solutions, just time. I was so miserable, depressed, dozed off at the wheel in stationary traffic etc etc. Can anyone take him foe the odd night?

He wakes in his own room.

I explained over the page we have tried Lucy Wolfe and he gets utterly hysterical when left to cry. Even being in the same room / stroking / reassuring doesn’t work, if anything it makes him worse.

To be honest I didn’t really want or need several pages of ‘sleep train’ it was more about my own feelings.

I’m not sleeping on the floor - no idea what that will apparently solve!

No unfortunately - I would love a night off at the moment.

The problem is that once he’s woken it takes so so long to resettle him. So only wakes once say at 1 but then you get to sleep again at 3.

@Nosleep21

I do appreciate the replies but it’s no good saying over and over to sleep train. Sleep training is only any good if it works.

He does start the night in his cot, usually wakes about two to three hours later and then that’s it - won’t go back in it. He naps in it during the day (at weekends now, but before I went back from maternity leave he was fine in the day, you could set the clock by him.)

Am fairly sure he isn’t too hot as he has a summer sleeping bag and just a nappy underneath.

What worries me is how angry I often feel with him. It’s a horrible way to feel.

Why would it not work? My youngest took ages to sleep train, weeks of getting up and down every two minutes but it did work eventually. It's not always a quick fix but a child isn't going to cry all night long for long.

My baby couldn’t bear to be put down or be on his own when we sleep trained. That’s exactly the kind of baby sleep training’s for. No-one claims it’s easy but until you’ve really given it a go it seems mad to condemn yourself to the current situation.

You have my sympathies! I co slept until DD was 13 months old and I couldn't take it anymore. Put her in her own room and only DH went to her until she slept through..took less than a week. She was utterly furious the first couple of nights.

@ManicPixie

My baby couldn’t bear to be put down or be on his own when we sleep trained. That’s exactly the kind of baby sleep training’s for. No-one claims it’s easy but until you’ve really given it a go it seems mad to condemn yourself to the current situation.

Agree. You can’t think straight about this, OP, because it’s impossible to think straight about anything when you’re so sleep deprived. I’ve been there, it’s hell, and you will look back when things are better and wonder how you survived.

People are telling you to sleep train because that’s the only answer. I second using a sleep consultant if that’s an option.

Hi @Nosleep21 this sounds extremely tough. Feeling angry towards your baby is scary and confusing. Its not surprising given that you must be totally exhausted with working and lack of sleep so give yourself alot of grace. As baby is still quite young have you been checked for post natal depression?

Sleep training isn't the only answer, and it doesn't work on every kid--I had one where it would never have worked (we now suspect he might be high functioning autistic).

You can also wait it out, My first didn't sleep through the night until he was 17 months old, and DH and I managed it by trading off--so when he woke early in the morning, DH would take him so I could sleep, but at night I got up. I was angry a lot of the time too, and I second the advice to try to get some good blocks of sleep at the weekend.

Not saying that you are depressed just something to keep an eye on!

I am fairly sure I have had or still have PND but I don’t think there is any available treatment.

I’m sure after several hours of crying DS would give in through exhaustion but I don’t think that’s a solution.

I really don’t think any form of sleep training will work, I don’t have any confidence that this is deliberate. I mean, I think if he could sleep, he would. It’s just I really expected him to be sleeping better by now.

Babies aren't born able to fall asleep or fall back to sleep during the night. You need to teach him.

I could have written your post six years ago. So nearly 7 now. You have to find the way that works for you. Sleep deprivation was awful, I felt really unwell and like I was going insane. Things that made a difference to the feelings: i read à science book called ‘Why Love Matters’ by Sue Gerhardt. Sometimes you might feel like he’s doing it on purpose. He’s not. He can’t. He just can’t help it. My son had a milk allergy and was deeply uncomfortable all night. In any case. Priority is you being able to sleep. I wouldn’t advise any harsh form of cry it out, but you can start to get baby used to a different way of sleeping. I read The Gentle Sleep book I think it’s called and it really helped me. Good luck!!

Sleep training is only any good if it works.

If done properly and consistently, it always works

Yeah - honestly I think I’ve read every sleep book on the market.

babies aren’t born able to fall asleep

But they are. I mean I am not being obtuse but they sleep all the time as newborns, it’s just they wake all the time too !

DS generally goes to sleep no problem at night and for naps. But then wakes and it’s this wake that’s the issue. It has been this way since he was around two months but when he was tiny I was off work and it didn’t matter as much. Now he’s bigger and harder to hold, he kicks and squirms and just seems to endlessly MOVE and he takes longer and longer to go back to sleep as a result.

I don’t think so @blink1eight2 but anyway it wouldn’t be effective here so shall we leave that particular suggestion?