Real feelings of anger and dislike and resentment towards baby

[Nosleep21]

I feel as though I haven’t slept for the best part of a year, and I haven’t.

What worries me is my own feelings of anger and resentment towards my baby. I am co sleeping because I have to - he just refuses to sleep in his cot - but he seeks out my stomach with his feet and pushes down, kicking me all night. No matter how many times I move his legs he moves his feet back. He sometimes really hurts me. He also grabs my face and pulls my hair.

He hardly sleeps at all. Goes to bed at around 8, though often later, then wakes between midnight and 1 kicking and waving his arms around. He often nods off then something wakes him and he starts pushing down/grabbing me again.

My eyes sting with tiredness and I get no time to myself. As soon as I pick him up from nursery he’s grizzly and upset because he’s tired.

I do love him and I used to love spending time with him at baby classes and swimming and long walks but I work full time so we never get to do these things now. And the nights are beyond horrific.

Is there any end in sight?

I was taught by a knowledgeable older midwife to swaddle to get the baby to sleep.
Your little one is probably a bit old now but wrapping them firmly with a very light blanket or a brush cotton sheet helps centre them so they can drop off to sleep. So not a full swaddle but firmly tucked in. Ultimately they can kick this off but they are usually asleep by then.

I said, we have to do things sometimes that upset our children. Some are no brainers (like the knives analogy), others maybe not so much. But the OP says "real feelings of anger, resentment and dislike". Strong and emotive words and seems more than just a vent.

Oh, my other advice is to leave baby with his dad and go out for the evening (or make the baby think you've gone out and stick some headphones in). There will be tears, but he will be comforted and held, which is far better than being ignored in a cot, and he will go to sleep eventually. If your partner can start to handle wake-ups, that'll help.

OP I had a baby like this, worse actually , I didn't sleep train and we ..... well we survived . It was shit and I remember googling 'can you actually die from exhaustion' but we got through it and he even has a little sister!

Re the pnd, again, I didn't want to face up to it and left it until after I'd had my second but doctors CAN help. Please consider seeking help for this- medication has never caused any sleep issues with me.

Also, try not bothering with a sleeping bag- they make my youngest kick more at night. He likes his legs further apart than the bag allows.

You feel the way you feel because you’re exhausted. If you want to focus on you not him then please, book a duvet day off work and sleep all day.
At the weekend get dh to take the baby out Saturday morning and you sleep.

My lo slept ok ish from 11 months but before that I got my sleep between 8pm and midnight and all of Saturday morning when dh took the baby out for a coffee and did the supermarket shop.

You can’t stop feeling your feelings without giving yourself some tlc.

@hopingbutlosing

I said, we have to do things sometimes that upset our children. Some are no brainers (like the knives analogy), others maybe not so much. But the OP says "real feelings of anger, resentment and dislike". Strong and emotive words and seems more than just a vent.

Oh, when you're properly exhausted you do feel like that, particularly at night. There were nights I had to stick screaming DD in her cot and leave the room, then tell DH to get her because I had reached my limit and the rage was building fast. There's a reason that hospitals make you watch a 'don't shake the baby' video before you leave with a newborn. Sharing those feelings in a safe space can help massively. Sometimes just having people tell you you're not alone can mean the world, particularly when everyone and his dog has a baby that apparently slept through from about 5 minutes old.

STOP THIS** right bloody now
*I’m sure I am the problem as after all who would want such a shit mother?

You’d probably wake up crying too.*

You are not a shit mother you are bloody exhausted. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

I know it's easier said than done but you need a break. A reset so you can have a recharge and then re try some methods you have tired before but on a clear mind and recharged.

I've just sent my 2 ds to my dads for the weekend, the baby is a bit much constantly wants to be held not happy up not happy down. Up in the night. Both me and Dh just need a few nights of sleep. Doesn't mean I don't love them but we all need a break, plus the wee devils have slept so much better while at my dads they always do for some reason 🤷‍♀️

Can you have a night away to yourself? Dad can deal with the baby for one night and you need a break. When the baby only settles with you it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. My sister went through the same thing, went away for a couple of nights and dad did the bedtime. From then on he would put the to bed and this seemed to work well for them.

OP I feel your pain. I had a baby who took a long time to sleep through, and I also co- slept. I didn’t sleep train as the one thing I find more stressful than a wakeful baby is a crying baby…
My dd would feed back to sleep though, will your ds do that ? I found if i got one reasonable block of four hours then I was ok even if the rest of the night was disturbed, if I didn’t then I would really struggle. I wasn’t working but I had a toddler as well and neither went to nursery, so I couldn’t nap in the day with the baby.
Really the only big help was time, and accepting that she would wake. I found that once I accepted it I felt less resentful somehow. However the smaller things that helped were making sure she was a comfortable temperature, as much of the disturbance was down to me cuddling her, her getting hot and throwing the covers off both of us, one or both of us then getting cold and waking to pull the covers back over, on repeat.
She had a wool sleeping bag with straps, no sleeves, that seemed to regulate temperature better than her previous one, ditto silk pyjamas. Both from here www.cambridgebaby.co.uk/catalog/
She slept on a sheepskin rug. I kept the bedroom quite cool. She had a long feed before bed ( I was breastfeeding) and then would feed her if she woke and she would go back to sleep.
The This Works pillow spray for babies didn’t exist when she was tiny, she is 14 now, but it did work really well when she was older if she couldn’t sleep so it is worth a try. Here www.thisworks.com/products/baby-sleep-pillow-spray
The adult one also works really well for me to get back to sleep if I have been woken or I am restless from stress.
I didn’t try an open sided bedside cot, but a friend found it good to co-sleep but avoid the kicky feet.
We did have a mattress on the floor and then added a single as suggested by a pp. it meant no worries about a baby falling out of bed, and gave us more space.
It feels never ending now I am sure, but this time will pass.,

If he is wide awake in the middle of the night then that’s a split night and either he is napping too much at nursery or he is going to bed too early. Some babies need more sleep than others and it is not uncommon for nurseries to force all their babies onto a one-size-fits-all nap schedule.

My 7 month old gets split nights if he goes to bed before 9pm or if he naps for more than hour in the day. His natural pattern is to go to bed around 10pm, have a couple of quick night feeds, wake around 8am and then barely nap at all. On that schedule he’s happy and I get enough sleep.

The difficulty is that the reason you feel angry is because you're chronically knackered. So the answer is to sleep train, really. I understand you have tried. But you tried one way, at one time, this is a new time, and there are other ways. As an alternative then my sister coslept, tried to sleep train but couldn't /wasn't working /wasn't right for them, so stayed cosleeping, moved to a floor bed, then 2 single mattresses next to each other on the floor, then a bit of distance between them. This is how things still are, her ds is 4 in Jan, she's also got 6m old twins. Her eldest still won't go to sleep on his own, but does now tend to sleep through the night.

My first was an awful sleeper and we ended up doing our own version of sleep training at about 18 months. I wish we had done it sooner.

She just didn't know how to settle herself as we had always been there to help her. I started sleeping on the floor next to her cot and would feed her then rub her back etc to settle her but not pick her up again.

Then I started leaving the room once she was asleep and going back to my bed, then when she was just sleepy, then when she was awake.

It was hard going for a few weeks and fortunately my partner was on board and we could take turns. It was so worth it though and my mental health drastically improved. She didn't sleep through fully until she was 3 but it was manageable after the sleep training.

Have you got any local support other than DH? Wondering if a parent or aunt/uncle could take over one night a fortnight/month to let you catch up.

How are finances? Could you find some private help (therapy) for PND?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You aren't a terrible mother. You're just struggling.

Do you still find moments, eg at weekends, to do those lovely things with him?

He definitely isn’t sleeping too much. He slept for less than two hours in the day yesterday and then he only went to bed at 830.

I don’t really want therapy, it would be one more thing to be charging around frantically trying to fit in!

I have tried the being in with him and rubbing back / reassurance but it just makes him more upset as he doesn’t understand why he isn’t being held.

I go to bed when DS does which is a bit miserable to be honest as I get no adult time but it’s still exhausting as like last night I only managed three and a half hours before he woke up.

It will come right I am sure but it is very knackering and I feel a bit sick with exhaustion today!

DS just won’t settle for him overnight, he does during the day but at night he cries and cries until I get him.

You are making a rod for your own back. Sleep training would help massively

Literally no one has suggested that yet. Thanks.

@Nosleep21. Huge amounts of sympathy. It is so hard at that age. I had a non sleeper and things felt pretty unbearable for a while. It does get so much better.
Vent away, lots of support and kindness from me. I wish I was near enough to make you a cup of tea and tell you how well you are doing

Because it works and you’re making excuses. Babies are difficult but how will anything improve if you don’t actually do anything about it.

Well, it will eventually. What you read as making excuses (am I a schoolgirl?) is actually just me explaining what life is like.

@Nosleep21

I do appreciate the replies but it’s no good saying over and over to sleep train. Sleep training is only any good if it works.

He does start the night in his cot, usually wakes about two to three hours later and then that’s it - won’t go back in it. He naps in it during the day (at weekends now, but before I went back from maternity leave he was fine in the day, you could set the clock by him.)

Am fairly sure he isn’t too hot as he has a summer sleeping bag and just a nappy underneath.

What worries me is how angry I often feel with him. It’s a horrible way to feel.

Yes, it is horrible having those feelings. I remember them too. Looking back I clearly wasn’t well mentally with both dcs and it was compounded by the lack of sleep.

The only thing that solved it was getting sleep! So yes, I had to go to bed early, I struggled though as I work with a commute. Being part time helped and some days I took a day off when dcs were at preschool/childcare. But it was a fucking grind.

@Mymapuddlington

Because it works and you’re making excuses. Babies are difficult but how will anything improve if you don’t actually do anything about it.

Sleep training actually doesn’t always work.

If you’ve read the whole Ferber book (I have), he explains that you shouldn’t jump straight to sleep training. Which most people do. Some get lucky and it works, others don’t.

Babies wake up, kids wake up in the night! Mine still do and they’re 9/12 but at least it’s easier to deal with.

It will get better OP, it just feels endless right now x

As someone who was utterly desperate and used sleep training as a last resort, I think you can only say it doesn’t work on your child if you’ve tried several methods and given each at least a week to work.

We can take it as read no-one likes hearing their child cry, but a couple of nights of it doesn’t mean the strategy is a non-starter. It’s naturally difficult because the situation is already difficult.

(I appreciate the OP has no interest in sleep training, and it’s fair enough to post on this forum just to vent. Although well-meaning advice is inevitable too.)

It isn’t so much that I won’t sleep train but that everything tried has been ineffective

I very much doubt you've tried everything though. That's what posters are pointing out.

You seem defeatist. And that's understandable, genuinely, but you either carry on as you are, or you try and change it.