Real feelings of anger and dislike and resentment towards baby

[Nosleep21]

I feel as though I haven’t slept for the best part of a year, and I haven’t.

What worries me is my own feelings of anger and resentment towards my baby. I am co sleeping because I have to - he just refuses to sleep in his cot - but he seeks out my stomach with his feet and pushes down, kicking me all night. No matter how many times I move his legs he moves his feet back. He sometimes really hurts me. He also grabs my face and pulls my hair.

He hardly sleeps at all. Goes to bed at around 8, though often later, then wakes between midnight and 1 kicking and waving his arms around. He often nods off then something wakes him and he starts pushing down/grabbing me again.

My eyes sting with tiredness and I get no time to myself. As soon as I pick him up from nursery he’s grizzly and upset because he’s tired.

I do love him and I used to love spending time with him at baby classes and swimming and long walks but I work full time so we never get to do these things now. And the nights are beyond horrific.

Is there any end in sight?

@Bowlofhotslop

And *@hopingbutlosing* what a ridiculous and downright fucking rude response! OP wanting to comfort her child and not have him distressed while falling asleep (to her own detriment) is nothing like letting him play with knives FFS!

Are YOU fucking kidding me?! The OP has said she is RESENTING and DISLIKING her child ffs. That is damn serious and time she does something about it. She doesn't want to sell train, fine. But she needs to do something.

I think you need to calm down @hopingbutlosing

I’m not being obnoxious but I have no idea why sleeping on the floor is being presented as a solution - this is the second post suggesting it and so it must be a ‘thing’, but why?

@Nosleep21

I don’t think I need anything really … just a vent / sympathy is all. Just so bloody exhausting.

It does sound rough.

That's fine. But I was not being rude by using a completely fine analogy. Good luck with however you decide proceed.

@Nosleep21

I think you need to calm down *@hopingbutlosing*

I’m not being obnoxious but I have no idea why sleeping on the floor is being presented as a solution - this is the second post suggesting it and so it must be a ‘thing’, but why?

You don't sleep on the floor. You get the baby to sleep on the mattress, then roll away and go to your own bed in your own room.

Some babies just hate cots. They'll go to sleep on a mattress but then get woken repeatedly by the other adults on the mattress. With the floor bed, baby gets to sleep on the mattress without being disturbed by you. Obviously you've got to make their room safe for them first though.

Oh OP. It’s rough and I’m sorry you are going through this.

Sleep is always hard, but it’s even harder when you don’t have a larger support network to come and help out. We all need a village. Could someone you trust take him for a few hours while you rest?

I totally agree with @olympicsrock - take a sick day/week. Excuse the platitude, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. I’ve done it - two days sick just to recover from sleep deprivation. Made me a much nicer person and made me like my baby a lot more!

You might also find it easier to think about the longer term solutions like sleep training if you have the headspace from a good snooze.

Sending love and solidarity. This too shall pass.

@hopingbutlosing You need to calm down with all this ridiculous hyperbole, it certainly isn’t going to help the OP and you seem to be getting very worked up.
I’d say it’s fairly normal to feel dislike and some resentment after months of lack of sleep. OP hasn’t said she won’t do anything she just doesn’t want to sleep train. Fair enough.
I’m not sure how you think your sanctimonious preaching about the seriousness of the situation will help.

Right - I see re the floor bed. I’m not convinced to be honest: it takes a long long time to settle because he has to be held. It would still take the same amount to settle if he was on the floor or in my bed or the cot.

You can get him back in the cot after a period of time - around three hours - but am too exhausted by then.

Unfortunately there isn’t really anyone to help, my partners parents don’t seem all that hands on and mine aren’t around.

What I'm getting worked up about is posters coming on with sleep issues and then getting angry and defensive and calling others rude when people suggest perfectly reasonable solutions that they just don't like for whatever reason.

It isn’t so much that I won’t sleep train but that everything tried has been ineffective or made things worse. I don’t think DS vomiting through distress is helping him self soothe!

@hopingbutlosing you compared this to a baby playing with knives.

I know the point you were trying to make but come on.

Mattress on floor is a safety suggestion- no height to fall from.

Totally fine! But posters suggesting it aren't horrible rude people. My initial point was that sometimes as parents we need to do things that upset or make our kids cry for their own good. I was trying to suggest you don't need to feel bad about trying. But see you have tried.

@Nosleep21 the idea with the floor bed is you get them to sleep, feeding, cuddling, whatever then roll off, go to your own bed. Tends to be a much quicker getaway than trying to transfer into a cot. I have one it’s a proper wooden frame just very low level.

OP, my eldest was one who just got increasingly hysterical to the point of being sick if left to CIO/ CC/ sitting by the bed/whatever. I can understand your frustration with those who say ‘it will work eventually if you’re consistent’; there are some babies it just won’t work for (unless you’re up for your babies being covered in sick while they sleep. I’m not.)

So you have my huge huge sympathies. It’s exhausting.

We did end up finding one approach that made things a bit better and allowed me to retain some sanity, PM me if you want. But otherwise, just sympathies, it’s very hard.

OP, I wouldn’t discount the doctor though.

Why are you so convinced that pills won’t work?

I don’t mean that provocatively, I mean it as a genuine question.

I reckon a day off work to sleep will do you the world of good. Help you think out next steps, including how to tackle these feelings.

What’s worked for me is a combination of CBT, sertraline, gratitude journaling, fresh air, exercise and sleep. I’ve learned how to put myself first and I’m a better mum because of it.

I’m not saying those things will work for you, just offering my experience

I think it’s natural for poster to try and offer solutions when your distress is palpable in your post. Nothing will improve unless you want it too. I too have had PND and got to the stage where I felt beyond help but you have to do something.
If you don’t want to try sleeping training then floor beds etc are worth a try. If you don’t want medication or the GP why not try the health visitor?
It will get better but you also need to start helping yourself.

@Nosleep21

It isn’t so much that I won’t sleep train but that everything tried has been ineffective or made things worse. I don’t think DS vomiting through distress is helping him self soothe!

I do recommend the Beyond Sleep Training project on Facebook. It was set up to give sympathy and support for this sort of thing by people sick of being told to 'just sleep train'. It doesn't work for every baby (and tbh, I think it's pretty cruel, but appreciate that's a divisive opinion).

WRT the floor bed approach, the idea is that they stay down longer because when they do a mini-wake they don't identify they're in a cot and immediately protest. They're more likely to self-resettle. Also, they do tend to be easier to get to sleep because you don't have to do a cot transfer, and they tend to be happier because they can stay in contact with you as you fall asleep.

I had this with my eldest and we put her in a floor bed at 18 months. She went from hourly wake-ups to two wake-ups a night. We're currently getting my 12 month old's bedroom baby-proofed to try this approach.

*as they fall asleep (though sometimes you'll fall asleep too!)

Suggestions are fine.

you are the problem its like letting him play with knives sleep train fgs are not fine tbh.

Anyway - pills. I don’t want pills because they cause problems with sleeping: last thing I need and plus I don’t feel I want to discuss it over the phone or at all really.

Hey OP, I was in a very similar situation with my son and it's really hard. You don't sound at all like a shit mum. You're quite literally sleeping in a way that you believe is best for your son even though you are exhausted. You're working full-time and up all night. It's no wonder you're struggling. Having a child that's a bad sleeper can cause massive feelings of anxiety and powerlessness. You're responding as many, many parents do when in your position. I love my son to bits but when co-sleeping stopped helping I felt helpless and resentful too. We had split nights at well, when he'd be up for a few hours in the middle of each night and it was hell. He was exhausted all of the next day and so were we. I felt like I was cracking up and our marriage was awful. I don't think we're bad parents, just people at their limits. I felt resentful of parents out a d a out with their thriving kids and totally isolated.

Because I felt like I was failing as a mum and haddone something wrong, I found it hard to accept support or advice. I felt defensive and angry. It took me a while to realise our situation wasn't unique and that we could change things in a way that we felt comfortable with. If or when you're ready, we used a method called responsive settling with our son. It's slow and gentle and after about a month we were all feeling much better. We thought our son would cope with this approach better and we were right. It was a sanity restorer for all of us. Things can change. Good luck OP.

Suggestions are fine.

you are the problem its like letting him play with knives sleep train fgs are not fine tbh.

As if that's what I said! I never said not sleep training is like letting them play with knives ffs. Come on.

@hopingbutlosing

I mean this gently, but it's your job as a parent to do the best for you child and what you are currently doing clearly isn't. If he wanted to play with knives or eat candy you wouldn't let him even if he screamed the house down right? Teaching him good sleep habits is the same. It's time to sleep train for both of you.

That's what you said @hopingbutlosing. You clearly compared not sleep training to letting him play with knives.

I get the need to vent OP, and I get that solutions aren’t necessarily what you need. Sending strength.

But. If you are unwilling to even try the doctor, then it’s going to be difficult. It reads like you’ve made your mind up about everything. Maybe that’s just how it’s coming across.

But in my experience - docs will see you face-to-face if you have a need, it’s just a phone appointment first. They may recommend something other than pills. The pills had no effect whatsoever on my sleep.

These replies have been pretty relentless. It sounds so tough OP, please vent away. My DS is 15m and this past few weeks we've had very similar nights so I can't imagine how hard it is for you non stop.
I know you mentioned he won't settle for dad in the night but will he go to sleep for dad initially? Say if dad were to do bed time and get him in his cot for the first part? Then you could go to bed pretty much straight after work until he woke at 1ish. I know that's not an ideal living situation at all but just if it meant you could get a few hours undisturbed to start the night. You must be absolutely exhausted you poor bloody thing. I know GP appointments are hard to come by and HVs are hit and miss, but I do think you should consider asking for some help, whatever they offer. I think it's normal to feel resentful towards baby in these situations, I know I have on bad nights. But please vent away. I'm sure you're not a bad mum at all you know x